by L.H. Cosway
“Yep. I’m giving her a completely blank canvas to put her mark on.”
“She’s going to be over the moon,” I said.
I thought of Diana, with her stylish, razor-sharp bob and expensive wardrobe. I’d only met her a couple of times, but she was so confident, so sure of herself, not to mention beautiful. It was no wonder James had fallen for her.
A few moments of silence elapsed before James cleared his throat. “I hope you didn’t mind me taking your hand back there,” he said, and I blinked.
“Um, no, it was fine.” I chewed my lip. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t with me. Those men didn’t look too friendly. Well, actually, they did look friendly, but the wrong kind of friendly.” Great, I was rambling.
“They were definitely the wrong kind of friendly,” James agreed. “I can’t understand the mindset of some men and why they think it’s okay to catcall women on the street.”
His statement reminded me of something Dad would say. As if I needed another reason to feel weird about fancying an engaged man.
“What’s that look about?” James asked, a curious tilt to his mouth.
I took another bite of my sandwich. “It’s nothing.”
“Well, now I know it’s something. Come on, tell me.”
I exhaled a small breath and met his gaze, flushing slightly. “This is going to sound odd, but you remind me a little of my dad sometimes.”
At this, James barked a laugh. “Is that a roundabout way of calling me old?”
I shook my head profusely. “No, not at all. I meant it in the sense that you say the sort of things my dad does. He’s a vicar.”
James laughed again. “It gets better.”
“No, seriously, I love my dad,” I said, then realised how that sounded before trying to backtrack. “I just mean, my dad’s a great person. When I said you reminded me of him, I meant it as a compliment.”
James glanced at the table a moment before his gaze flicked to me. “So, you’re not in love with me then?”
I lost the ability to speak, my chest thrumming as I blinked rapidly. My mouth went dry, and I just stared at him, completely flustered. Had he really just asked that? James held my gaze for a prolonged moment, his expression serious before he broke into a wide smile. “I’m playing with you, Michaela.”
Just like that, I exhaled, letting out a nervous laugh. “Clearly. I knew that.”
A minute went by before he spoke again. “So, what was it like growing up the daughter of a vicar?”
“It was great. I grew up in a small village, so it was an uneventful but happy childhood for me.” A pause as I amended. “Mostly.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Two brothers, but they’re both a lot older. Mum and Dad adopted me when I was four.”
James’ eyebrows jumped. “Really? Do you know your birth parents?” When I didn’t respond right away, he went on. “Sorry. I’m being nosy. You don’t need to answer that.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine. It’s just not something I talk about a lot. And no, I don’t know my birth parents. They died in a car accident when I was two. I was living in care before my parents adopted me, though I can’t remember much of that time since I was so young.”
“It takes a lot of selflessness to adopt. We need more people like them in the world,” said James.
I nodded. I was definitely lucky to have such amazing parents. “Yes, we do.”
He held my gaze, smiling back at me, and I felt a little breathless for a second. My chest heated and I rubbed my sternum. Um, what had we been talking about again? A heavy brick sank in my gut at the idea that I might like James a little more than I thought, and that perhaps it wouldn’t be something that would pass with time like I hoped.
Seeing him get married and ride off into the sunset with Diana was going to hurt, wasn’t it?
Suddenly, my phone started vibrating like crazy in my handbag. James’ phone dinged loudly, his signal coming back as well. I found a bunch of calls and texts from Leanne. She’d been worried sick wondering where we’d gotten to. I quickly replied to her texts to let her know all was well. She wrote back with the address of a bar she and Callum were currently camped out in.
“Leanne and Callum are at a bar close by.”
James nodded and we finished up our sandwiches before heading out. He went to the edge of the path and flagged down a passing taxi. As I climbed into the back, I was overly aware of him climbing in behind me. We sat with at least a foot or two between us, and yet, his closeness affected me. It made my skin feel hot, my heart all achy. Maybe I was just feeling overly grateful for him pretending to be my boyfriend when those men shouted at me.
Life would be pretty rosy with a boyfriend like James Khan, I mused wistfully before pushing away the thought.
His attention was on his phone as he replied to all the messages he’d missed over the last hour. Had we only been alone together for an hour? Somehow it felt like so much longer. Without thinking, I reached out and placed my hand on his forearm. Aaaah! What was I doing? Stop it. Stop it now.
James’ attention left his phone, his eyes rising to meet mine, questioning.
“James, I…” My words faltered as I swallowed. What the hell had I meant to say?
“Michaela?” he asked, eyes searching.
My pulse pounded in my ears as I came back to my senses. “I’m glad you were with me tonight when that fight broke out. Thank you for getting me out of there.”
I watched as his lips pressed together, his eyes still on mine. Finally, he spoke. “I’m glad, too.”
I gave a stiff, awkward nod and turned my attention to the window. Why did I have to feel this way about him? It made no sense. I’d never been someone who engaged in risky behaviour. I followed rules, stuck to a set of principles, and knew the difference between right and wrong.
This crush of mine was a silent avalanche I was completely unprepared for, but come hell or high water, I’d keep it inside. Even if it meant that someday, somewhere, I might spontaneously implode.
Twelve
Michaela
Present
Despite my efforts to focus on work, I’d spent most of the day with James on my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about Diana hitting him. The image affected me deeply. Was that the only time it happened, or were there more instances? I couldn’t help wondering if perhaps someone should talk to James about why exactly he’d called off the engagement. If there was abuse in the relationship, then he might need to talk to someone who could help him through the emotional affect Diana’s actions had on him.
But then, I could also be blowing things way out of proportion. It was most likely a one-time thing, a moment of insanity on Diana’s part when James told her he wanted to break up. That didn’t make it right, but I could also understand why she’d erupted like she did.
When I got back to the house at the end of the day, I found two large suitcases in the entryway. James was already there, and the knowledge sent my anxiety into overdrive. How was I supposed to act around him? Would he be staying in the front room, or would he prefer the larger back room that I currently occupied? Perhaps I should move my things.
I found him in the kitchen on the phone. It sounded like he was talking to his sister.
“Okay, let me know if you need me to come back over and help with Dad. Any time. I’ll be there. Right, bye, love you.” He hung up and his body seemed to slump. He hadn’t yet seen me standing in the doorway. My heart squeezed because I could see the grief almost as though it were pouring out of him in waves.
I cleared my throat. “Sorry to interrupt.”
He quickly straightened. “You’re not interrupting…um, come in.”
“I was just going to make something to eat. Are you hungry?”
“I think so,” James said, frowning. “I can’t seem to tell these days,”
I guess grief did that. Stole your appetite.
“The cooker still
hasn’t been installed, but I can warm some soup in the microwave,” I said as I stepped into the kitchen.
“Soup is fine,” James said.
I went over to the counter, buttered some bread and tried to think of an appropriate topic of conversation. The silence was deafening. All I wanted was to ask him about the incident Callum had witnessed between him and Diana, but I knew I couldn’t just throw something like that out there. It was a highly sensitive subject, which meant I needed to wait for the right moment. James sat staring off into space.
“Have you thought about what style of cabinets you want for this room?” I asked casually. It seemed like a benign enough question, but James frowned deeply when I asked it.
“No, I…” He trailed off before focusing again on answering. “I don’t plan on living here for very long. Once the renovations are complete, I’ll sell it and see if I can make a profit.”
“Right, that makes sense,” I said, struck by how definitive he sounded. So he and Diana were really done. If he was so sure about selling the house, then he definitely didn’t have any plans to get back together. After all, this house had been intended for her. For them. Living in it alone would feel too strange.
I swallowed and replied, “You’ll probably want to go for simple fixtures and fittings then. If the countless property shows I’ve watched have taught me anything, it’s that houses with plain and classy interior design sell better. That way potential buyers can visualise putting their own stamp on it. That’s hard to do in a house that already has a distinctive style.”
James looked at me funny and I grew self-conscious. “What?”
He shook his head. “Nothing, it’s just…I’m glad you’re here. With you around, this place will be finished in no time.”
“I have been getting a lot done,” I agreed, eyeing him. “I guess you’re pretty eager to sell.”
The look he gave me showed his exhaustion. “I just want to move on, you know?” He looked around, his brows drawing together. “I thought it was such a great idea at first, but this house has been a weight on me. Once it’s sold, I’ll be able to start fresh.”
I stared at him, trying to see into his head, figure out what he was thinking, but it was useless. I couldn’t read minds. “That’s what you’re after? A fresh start?” I asked.
His focus went to the ceiling. “I guess I want to remember what it’s like to make my own decisions.”
I tried to keep my tone light when I questioned, “You haven’t been making your own decisions?”
He looked back to me now, his eyes sad. “I thought I was. Then Mum died and I suddenly saw things more clearly.” A pause as he blew out a breath. “If I was a car, then Diana was behind the wheel.”
“She made a lot of choices for you?” I went on. This could be a good moment to ask him why he broke up with her, but I had to be gentle.
James stared at his hands. “Those sorts of things can happen in relationships. You’re so busy trying to make the person you’re with happy, then one day you realise you’re living someone else’s life.”
“This isn’t the life you’d choose?”
Now he frowned. “It is and it isn’t. I love my career. I get to make a TV show about parkour, one of my favourite things in the world, and I get to do it with my best friends. Not many people are so lucky…” he trailed off, looking frustrated.
“Life is a mixed bag of good stuff and bad stuff,” I said, hoping for profound but mostly sounding stupid. James’ gaze came to mine, holding a moment, and then the microwave pinged, a loud interruption. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I wasn’t the one James should be talking to. His friends knew him far better and far longer than I did.
I turned to dish up the soup, dividing it out into two bowls. We fell into silence as I placed James’ food down on the table.
“I’ll go eat in my room,” I said quietly.
“Don’t do that. Sit with me. Please,” James said. He looked like someone who really didn’t want to be alone.
I sat and ate a spoonful of soup.
“Talk to me,” he said, and I saw the plea in his eyes. Distract me.
I searched my brain. “There was this story on Atlas Obscura about—”
“No,” he stopped me. “Tell me about you, how you’re doing.”
I rubbed my chin self-consciously. “Well, there’s not a whole lot to tell. Work’s keeping me pretty busy.”
“That’s my fault,” he said, sounding guilty. “I’m eating up your social life with this house.”
“That’s not a problem. I still have some free time to do things,” I said, searching for an example. The main thing that popped into my head was gaming with Sarita and Afric, but I guessed James didn’t want to hear about my online social life, which wasn’t very exciting unless you were into that sort of thing.
“What about that bloke Louis you said you were seeing?” James asked.
I felt a flush coming on at the prospect of discussing my romantic life with him – or lack thereof. “We’re not really seeing each other. We text sometimes, that’s all.”
James leaned forward, seeming interested. “He hasn’t asked you out?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure he likes me in that way. He probably just wants to be friends. Navigating the social mores of dating is kind of confusing to me.” You could say that again, my brain added. I didn’t mention the fact that it was even more confusing trying to date when you already had feelings for someone who was off-limits.
He blew out a breath. “Yeah, I was never great at all that either. Diana was my first proper girlfriend.” His expression clouded and I blinked in surprise. If Diana was his first relationship, then that meant he’d been single until his mid-twenties.
“I guess guys in their early twenties don’t really aspire to long-term relationships,” I said.
“Oh, no, it was nothing like that. I actually didn’t get out much at that age. I was on an athletic scholarship at university, so my days were very regimented. If I wasn’t studying, I was training and vice versa.”
Right. James had been a long-distance runner before he got into parkour. “Why did you give up running?”
He got a look in his eye like he was casting his mind back. “I was good, but it was apparent that there were others far better than me. I placed well in a few races, but I was never going to be good enough for the Olympics so…”
“You stopped?”
“Not exactly. I got into parkour shortly after I finished Uni. Since it involves a lot of running and physical strength, I don’t feel like I stopped, but more like one thing evolved into another, related but different. I’m always running in some form or another for the show.”
“I don’t know how you guys do it. Just watching some of your stunts makes me feel dizzy.”
He seemed surprised by that. “It does?”
“Of course! One of the first stunts I saw you do was at Ponti Tower in Johannesburg. I swear I had to force myself not to look down and see just how high up you all were. I think I had acrophobia by association.” I thought of the trip to South Africa. It had played a big role in mine and James’ friendship, in getting to know each other better, but I felt like so much had happened since. In reality, it was only a few months behind us.
James gave a light chuckle, and it felt good to hear him laugh, even if there was still a sense of melancholy behind it. “That was a fun day,” he said. “Good memories.”
“I felt like such a fish out of water. You all were a lot to take in.”
“What did you think of us when you first met us?” James asked.
I blew out a breath. “Gosh, I don’t know. I’d never watched the show, so I had no clue what to expect. Callum, Trevor, and Paul are such big personalities. They can be pretty full-on. Then there’s Leanne, she has that kind of laidback, tough attitude going for her, and Isaac’s like everybody’s favourite kid brother.”
“And me?” he prodded.
Was it just me or had he gotte
n kind of intense? I wasn’t certain how to answer his question. James was a quiet, reassuring presence. He rarely took the limelight. He tended to take a back seat, letting others enjoy being the centre of attention. Perhaps that’s why I was so drawn to him. We were cut from a similar cloth.
“You were…quiet,” I said, my mouth going dry all of a sudden.
His eyebrows jumped. “Quiet?”
I nodded. “Like I said, Callum, Trevor, and Paul can be a little over-the-top. You prefer to hang back and get the measure of people from a distance.”
“Huh. I guess you’re right.”
“It’s a good thing,” I was quick to add. “Shows confidence. You don’t feel the need to shove yourself in people’s faces. It’s what I like most about you.”
A small, barely-there smile graced his lips. “What else do you like about me?”
What didn’t I like? My chest heated, and I resisted the urge to lower my eyes. This was slightly embarrassing, but maybe James needed a pep talk. He was going through a tough time.
“Well, I like that you always seem to have time for others when they need help. You’re polite to waitstaff and you talk to me and treat me like an equal even though I’m just an assistant. You’re kind to everyone, and I’ve never heard you say a bad word about another person, even if they might deserve it.”
I grew self-conscious when James didn’t respond, only staring at me like I’d grown two heads. “Was that too much? I’m a big watcher of people, so I tend to see a lot. Sorry if I freaked you out.”
“No, not at all. It’s just…interesting to hear how others see me.”
“Surely, you’re aware of what kind of person you are?” I said, still embarrassed about all I’d said. Did he think I was obsessed with him now? Well, technically I was, but…
“How people perceive you can be very different from how you feel inside,” James said. There was so much sadness in his voice, my heart clenched.
How did he feel on the inside? What exactly had Diana done to him? I wanted to ask, but I was afraid he’d withdraw. He hadn’t been talking to anyone since his mum’s funeral, and this felt like a breakthrough. I didn’t want to scare him off.