by L.H. Cosway
“Hey, Shan,” he said, then paused. “Sure, I can drop over now. I’ll be there in about half an hour.” His eyes came to me. “Is it okay if I bring a friend?” Another pause. “Okay, see you in a bit.”
He hung up and turned his attention back to me. “How do you feel about coming for dinner at my dad’s house?”
Nerves fluttered inside me at the invite. “Sure, I can come.”
“Good,” James nodded. “Come on. We should go now in case there’s traffic.”
We climbed into his car, both of us quiet for a few minutes before James told me quietly, “This is our first Sunday dinner since Mum passed away.” I studied his profile while his attention remained fixed on the road.
“Oh,” I said, taken aback. “Are you sure you want me to come? Honestly, it’s fine if you’d prefer to just drop me off at the house. I don’t want to get in the way.”
“No, I’ll actually feel better with you there,” he confessed. “Things have been tense. We’re all feeling guilty that none of us realised Mum was sick until it was too late. It’s fucking awful, to be honest.”
“You can’t predict things, James. They just happen,” I said gently.
Whenever James used to talk about his mum, he’d always spoken with such warmth and love. She was a big part of his life. Now that she was gone, it was obviously going to take him time to figure out how to navigate the loss.
“I know that, but it’s still hard to accept it,” he said, his expression sombre.
When we reached his dad’s house, he cut the engine and silence filled the car. Then he inhaled a deep breath, perhaps for courage. I sensed James drew strength from my presence, but he didn’t need me to fill the quiet with lots of talk. Sometimes silent support was better.
His sister Shanise answered the door and welcomed us in. She gave James a long hug before turning her attention to me. “Michaela, right?”
I nodded. “Hi. Thanks for having me.”
We’d met briefly the night their mother died, so obviously we hadn’t exchanged much more than names. “You’re welcome anytime,” she replied, her smile kind but tired. “My brother tells me you’ve been a godsend to him lately. The least we can do is feed you after all you’ve done for him.”
“It’s nothing,” I said as she led us into the dining room.
James’ dad sat at the head of the table. Like Shanise, he also looked tired. I guessed they hadn’t been getting a whole lot of sleep. I met his brother, John, and his other sister, Gabrielle. They were all in their early to mid-twenties, with James being the eldest. I could see how they looked to him for guidance, even though I’d only been sitting with them a short while.
“So, what’s it like working for our brother?” Gabrielle asked once the food was served, a delicious, spicy chicken with mashed potatoes and green beans. I noticed that I was the only one at the table who was eating and not just picking at my plate. I supposed they still hadn’t regained their appetites after such a shocking loss.
“Oh, he’s horrible to work for,” I teased, hoping to eject a small bit of humour into the melancholic atmosphere. I forked up some green beans and shoved them in my mouth. “The only reason I’m here is because James threatened to dock my wages if I didn’t come.”
They all chuckled, and I was glad I’d made them laugh. I knew what I said wasn’t hilariously funny or anything, but I think they were grateful for the break in tension. Even James’ dad, who sat quietly at the head of the table, cracked a tiny smile.
I chanced a glance at James and he was looking at me in a way that made my chest feel funny. He looked at me with such warmth that I had to focus my attention on my plate to keep from blushing furiously or hyperventilating or both.
Sixteen
James
Michaela was so fucking sweet it hurt. I knew it had to be strange for her, being here with my family while we were in the midst of our grief, but she had no idea what a breath of fresh air she was. We’d needed an outsider, someone who could break us from the sadness that threatened to drown us. I didn’t know how to thank her for being completely charming and adorable and distracting my family from the fact that Mum’s chair sat empty, a stark reminder of what we’d lost. Even Dad seemed more himself, some of the life returning to his eyes. It was heartening to see.
Michaela being here also meant my family might be less inclined to bring up Diana. Yes, they were shocked when I’d called off the wedding, though surprisingly they weren’t particularly sad about it, and that told me all I needed to know. Sure, they’d expressed some small misgivings about her over the years, but they’d never come out and said I was doing the wrong thing. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t have listened even if they did.
“Oh, it was so scary,” Michaela said as she regaled my family with the story of how we’d gotten lost together in Johannesburg in the middle of the night, with no reception on our mobile phones. “I was just glad James was there,” she went on, casting me a grateful glance. “I’m not sure I would’ve found my way without him.”
“Sounds like it was a good adventure though,” Shanise said, catching me staring at Michaela. I quickly schooled my expression, but I wasn’t fast enough to escape the scrutiny of my far-too-perceptive sister.
“It definitely makes for a good story,” Michaela agreed.
I stood and began gathering empty dishes to bring into the kitchen, not realising my error until I turned around and found my sister standing behind me, arms folded.
“You like that girl,” she said, scrutinising me closely.
“She’s been a good friend.” I tried to move by her.
She side-stepped me, eyebrows raised. “Are you sleeping with her?” Shanise was never one to beat around the bush. “Is she the reason you broke things off with Diana?”
“Of course not,” I said, keeping my voice low. I didn’t want anyone overhearing us, especially Michaela. “She’s my assistant, Shan. What sort of person do you think I am?”
She scrutinised me some more, eyes narrowed. “Okay, so maybe you haven’t slept with her, but you want to. It’s written all over your face.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“I don’t imagine. I see clearly, and you, brother, are smitten.”
I sighed heavily, my posture slumping. There was no point in denying it. Shanise was like a dog with a bone when she caught on to stuff like this. I knew she wouldn’t let up until I admitted it. “Even if I am smitten,” I whispered, “I’m not going to do anything about it, so you can rest easy.”
“And why not?”
I frowned at her. “What do you mean, why not?”
“Well, you’re not marrying Diana anymore, so why can’t you pursue Michaela? You’re obviously falling for her.”
My mouth fell open. “I’m not falling for her. I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and Mum’s gone.” I paused, emotion catching in my voice. “I’m in no position to be pursuing anyone, and certainly not my PA. Do you have any clue how bad that would look if things went wrong? I can’t take that chance.”
“What about Callum and Leanne?” Shan argued. “They work together and managed to figure things out.”
“That’s different. Cal and Leanne had an on/off relationship for years. Now can you drop this? Whatever you think you see between us, it could never work.”
Shanise looked sad, like she felt sorry for me. “Sometimes you can’t stop these things, James,” she said, reaching out to give my arm a squeeze. “When you develop feelings for someone, it’s a slow slide that turns into an avalanche. Before you know it you’re buried in snow.”
Her metaphor made my lungs burn. I drew away. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going through too much right now. I won’t put that on Michaela.”
“I thought you liked taking risks,” Shan went on. She really wasn’t going to let up on this. “Isn’t that what parkour’s all about?”
“I don’t take risks with parkour. I weigh my options, plan methodically. I’ve don
e the same in regard to Michaela and unfortunately, the risks far outweigh the rewards.”
Do they though? A voice in my head asked as I moved past my sister. I wondered if I’d regret letting Michaela slip through my fingers. I thought of the jealousy that slithered through me earlier today when she’d told me the store assistant at the sofa place had asked for her number. I’d wanted to march across the store and tell the bloke to back the hell off. Obviously, I didn’t do that, but the instinct was still there.
Shan’s encouragement made me question myself. If it turned out I never met someone like Michaela again, would I look back and wish I’d made a move? Taken a chance?
I was quiet on the drive back to the house, lost in thought. I couldn’t stop replaying my sister’s words over in my head until they festered, eating away at me. Was I falling for Michaela? No, I couldn’t be, not when I was still grieving, still processing my breakup with Diana.
But then, like Shan said, feelings could develop like an avalanche and it wasn’t in your power to stop them. Plus, I’d known Michaela for almost a year now and I was around her constantly.
Fuck, this was the absolute last thing I needed.
At the house, she disappeared into her room while I sat on the uncomfortable folding chairs in the kitchen, my emotions all over the place. I stood up and paced, then glanced at the ceiling when I heard her laughter.
Who was she talking to?
Was it that Louis guy?
Unable to help my curiosity (and jealousy), I went upstairs and found her door ajar.
“I’m not spending my G-coins on a gold suit of armour. All the nymphs in Shadow Lake will think I’ve gotten too big for my boots.”
Shadow Lake? I peered around the door and found her sitting in bed, wearing one of those headset microphones, her laptop open in front of her.
“Oh, look! Grab that brownie before he gets away. He’s worth a hundred points. Crap, you lost him.”
I rapped my knuckles on the door, causing her to startle and pull off the headset. “James! You frightened the life out of me,” she breathed.
“Sorry.” I stepped into the room. “I heard you talking and got curious. What are you doing?”
“Oh,” she replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “I’m just gaming with Sarita and Afric.” She must’ve sensed I needed more information because she patted the space beside her. “Come here and I’ll show you.”
I approached and lowered to sit next to her on the futon. Her hair had been tied up all day, but now it hung in messy, silky waves around her shoulders. My fingers itched to reach out and touch. I tucked them safely under my legs to stem the urge.
“This is an online game. It’s called Greenforest,” Michaela explained. “The main quest is to free the Mapletree Fairies from their oppressive dictator, the Great Maz, but there are lots of other side quests you can do, too.”
I realised I hadn’t even looked at the screen yet. I’d been too busy studying her, marvelling at the delicate swoop of her nose and the rosy tinge of her lips. I brought my attention to her laptop, which displayed a rural CGI landscape with characters dressed in medieval garb. She pointed out a tall, white-haired warrior woman wearing a full suit of armour.
“That’s me, Lady_M. And yes, before you ask, she is heavily inspired by Brienne of Tarth.” She laughed before pointing to a small, ugly, impish looking creature. “That’s Afric.”
I peered at her name questioningly. “Afric_Is_The_Biggest_Ride_In_Greenforest?”
“A ride to Irish people means you’re, um…” She paused to bite her lip, which was quite distracting. “Good looking in a sexy way.”
I chuckled as I studied the very ugly avatar.
“Afric enjoys sarcasm. She’s also got a weird sense of humour.”
“I can see that.”
Finally, she pointed to an avatar with the upper body of a woman with very large breasts and the lower body of a horse. “And that’s Sarita. She’s obsessed with horses. And boobs.”
I chuckled, studying her a moment. Most people thought Michaela was sheltered and shy, but I was starting to see that wasn’t entirely true. She was merely reserved, which made her come across that way if you didn’t know her very well.
“I never really got into gaming,” I admitted. “Trev and Paul play some sports and shooter games, but it just felt like a waste to spend so much time on something that doesn’t amount to anything.”
“I can understand that, but it’s not really about it amounting to anything. It’s more about doing something fun in your free time, a little break for your brain. Some people meditate or go for runs to de-stress. I prefer to play Greenforest.”
“How long have you played?” I asked.
“Since I was twelve or thirteen. It’s actually how I first met Sarita and Afric.”
“Seriously? I thought you met in college or something.”
She shook her head. “Afric never went to college, which goes to show it isn’t everything, since she has the most successful career of the three of us. And Sarita went to the Royal Academy of Music. I don’t have a musical bone in my body,” she paused to laugh, shooting me a little grin. “Anyway, they’re the best friends I’ve ever had. You bond pretty quickly when you join forces to save the fairies.”
“Teach me how to play,” I said impulsively. Something in how she spoke about it intrigued me. This game seemed like the perfect distraction and I needed something to take me out of my head for a little while.
She seemed surprised by my request. “Okay, sure. I can teach you. But first, we’ll need to create a new account and avatar for you.” She started logging off, then found the sign-up page and handed me her laptop. I quickly filled in my details, choosing the screen name James_the_Conquerer and Michaela smiled her approval. A minute later, I had my very own Greenforest account.
“Just keep scrolling through the options until you find something you like,” she said.
A half hour later, I’d created an avatar that looked a little like me, except he had long black hair, neck tattoos, and wore a lot of leather. Okay, so he didn’t look anything like me.
“The nymphs at Shadow Lake are going to be all over you,” Michaela said with a chuckle.
I just want to know if Lady_M will be all over me.
I batted at the intrusive voice in my head. Michaela guided me around the game for a while, showing me all the best locations and how I could win points. I felt way too comfortable just sitting with her, being close, and smelling the faint notes of her perfume.
When her phone vibrated with a call, she let me continue exploring the game while she went to answer it.
“Hey, how are you?” A pause. “Oh, really! That sounds exciting.” Another pause. “Seriously? You want me to come with you?” She stole a quick glance in my direction. “Um, okay, sure, I’ll go.”
I listened surreptitiously as she finished up the call, more than a little curious about who she’d been talking to. She stood for a minute after she hung up, looking nonplussed.
“Everything okay?” I asked, eyebrow raised.
She glanced at me. “Yeah, I’m just…surprised. That was Louis. You know, the guy I’ve been texting?”
How could I forget? I didn’t even know him and I already hated him. “The same one you meant to send that selfie to?” I questioned casually. On the inside, jealousy reared its ugly head again. It wasn’t a feeling I was used to.
Michaela nodded. “He got tickets to see Twenty One Pilots next week and invited me to come.”
I tried to look encouraging while what I really wanted to say was, Don’t go! It was selfish, I knew that. Michaela deserved to be out there meeting people. She was too young and beautiful and smart to hide away indoors, even though a large part of me wished to keep her all to myself.
She seemed to be the only person who could make me forget to be sad.
“I saw them live a few years ago,” I said instead, “and they were amazing. You’ll have a great time.”
/>
Each word felt like swallowing glass. Shanise was right. I might not be falling for her just yet, but I had definite feelings for Michaela, and that put me in a very tricky situation. I didn’t want to lose her as an employee, and certainly not as a friend. She was important to me, right now more than ever.
The problem was I had no idea what to do. Did I tell her how I felt and take the risk of freaking her out, possibly losing her completely? Or did I play the long game, see how things panned out. Perhaps these feelings I was having were just temporary. Maybe I only wanted her because I felt so torn up inside over Mum, and I was still very much in a transition period after breaking up with Diana.
Waiting things out and seeing how I felt in a few weeks or months’ time seemed like the best option, but what if this Louis person swept her off her feet?
What if she fell for him and I never got another chance? What if waiting was wrong and it was do or die? Act in this very moment or spend the rest of my life regretting it.
I watched as she moved across the room, grabbing a cardigan from her suitcase since there wasn’t a wardrobe yet for her to put her clothes in. Maybe I should be impulsive, take a chance. I knew I risked fucking things up irreversibly, but I also stood to gain if my risk paid off. Quite like jumping from a new and untested height, there were very many things that could go wrong. But when it went right, there wasn’t a feeling like it in the world.
What would happen if I went over there right now and kissed her?
Only one way to find out.
Seventeen
Michaela
Feeling a chill, I pulled on my cardigan. When I turned around, James was standing right behind me, an indecipherable look on his face. Was he…staring at my mouth? I blinked, convinced I’d imagined it, but no, he was still staring at me with an intense, heated expression that made my neck and face feel warm.