by L.H. Cosway
“You don’t have to hide from me,” he said tenderly.
My heart squeezed. “Look, this isn’t the right time. We have to go inside.”
His hand fell away.
Needing a private moment to gather myself, I hurried to the ladies’ bathroom. I shut myself inside a stall, sat down on the closed seat and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t stop the tears now. They came out in big, heaving sobs. Thankfully the bathroom was empty. Everyone was inside the theatre.
I was pathetic. What cause did I have to cry? James was the one who’d been treated poorly. I just had so much love for him, but I didn’t deserve him. James was too good and too loyal for me.
My makeup was a mess. I could feel the mascara caked under my eyes. Then I heard the door open and someone walked inside. The step sounded heavy, like men’s shoes. A second later, they came to a stop outside the stall I was hiding in.
“Michaela, are you in there?” James asked gently.
My pulse spiked. I tried using toilet paper to clean myself up, but it was no use. My face was probably red from all the crying, my makeup smeared.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I said, trying to make my voice sound normal. “I’m just…peeing.”
“Okay,” he said, falling silent.
“You shouldn’t be in here, you know,” I went on weakly.
“I thought I’d break the rules this once.” I heard the faintest hint of a smile in his voice. How was he still so kind after all I’d done to him?
There was another silence, then, ever so softly, “Michaela, please come out.”
He was being so patient and that just made me feel even worse. Deciding I needed to face the music, I stood and turned over the lock. I stepped out, but before I could utter a word, James pulled me into his arms, knocking the wind out of me. My chest pressed flush to his, and for a moment, my body overwrote my brain as I sank into the embrace. It felt so good to be held by him. He wrapped his arms around me tight, not letting go, and I pressed my cheek to his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“I’m so sorry Diana got to you,” he said, speaking into my hair. “You have to know, everything she said was wrong. You never took advantage of me, Michaela. Everything that happened between us, I wanted it. I might’ve been going through a tough time, but my head was clear when it came to you.”
“You only think that because you don’t know everything,” I said, drawing away. I forced myself to meet his gaze. “I liked you from the beginning. I wanted you all those months when you were still with Diana. I was a little creep, lusting after you, waiting for you to become available so that I could swoop in. I’m a horrible person.”
James reached out, tucking some hair behind my ear. Tingles skittered down my neck at his touch. “You’re not a horrible person. Do you think it was all one-sided?” he asked and my heart skipped a beat. His eyes beamed down at me with so much warmth I could hardly take it.
“I liked you, too, even when I really, really shouldn’t have,” James said, his low voice rumbling through me. “You didn’t force me to spend time with you, Michaela. In fact, I’m pretty sure I sought you out just as many times as you sought me. We were drawn to each other. If I was single when I met you, I know for a fact you wouldn’t have stayed my assistant for long. I would’ve asked you out long ago.”
His words filtered in, warming the parts of me that had been cold the last two days.
His hand came up to stroke my cheek, his honest brown eyes flickering back and forth between mine. “You say you liked me from the first time you saw me? Well, the first time I saw you I thought you were stunningly beautiful. That day in the lift I told myself it was simply my brain recognising beauty. That it didn’t mean anything. I was an engaged man and I should only have eyes for one woman. Then I got to know you and I saw that beauty ran deep. My mum used to teach me to look for the people who sat in the background, that sometimes you’ll find a gem who isn’t brave enough to step into the light. Following that lesson was easy because I like people. I like learning from them and letting them show me who they are.
“You showed me who you were. Sunlight who preferred the shadows. Soft and strong. Caring and honest. There wasn’t a single thing I didn’t like. I found more and more reasons to spend time with you. I spied to see what articles you were reading and read them too, just so that we’d have something to talk about. All these things I did, knowing full well that I shouldn’t. Knowing it should be Diana I wanted to spend time with, Diana who I should be going out of my way to please. But it was you.”
He cupped both my cheeks now, using his thumb to wipe away another tear that fell. “James, I—”
“There’s more. Let me finish,” he said, his warm hands soothing the ache that had been in my stomach for days. “You think that my grief for Mum means I’m not thinking clearly? It’s true that when she died, I’d never felt a loss like it. I’m still feeling that loss. She’s the first person I’ve ever grieved for and my heart is in two. But the heartache brought clarity. I realised being with Diana felt like a trap, our impending wedding seemed like stepping into a prison sentence just for the sake of not hurting anybody’s feelings. I kept picturing myself standing by the altar, but my soulmate wasn’t in front of me. She was sitting behind me in one of the pews.”
My lip trembled. Everything he said contradicted all the things I’d convinced myself of these last two days. James was right. I’d allowed Diana to get to me, to put a shroud of ugliness over what he and I had.
“You were one of the reasons I called off the wedding,” James continued and I gaped at him. “Yes, you. So don’t give me that taking advantage bullshit. I wanted you just as much as you wanted me. For a long time my subconscious was pushing me towards you, so I finally decided to let it lead the way. I gave my heart what it wanted, even if it meant hurting the woman I’d promised my life to. I never should’ve made that promise to begin with. And believe this when I say it, I don’t need to spend a single second away from you to know how I feel. Why would I when I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you?”
Air got stuck in my lungs. I felt like I might be dreaming. Had he just said he loved me? Now my tears fell in earnest. James ducked down, bringing us to the same level. “Hey,” he whispered. “Please don’t cry.” He wiped at my tears and I wondered what on earth I’d done to deserve him and how I could’ve possibly been so foolish to believe Diana.
I stared at him, speechless, as I willed my brain to start working and find some words.
“You’re too good for me.” I buried my face in his chest and felt the rumbling vibration of his laughter.
“That’s not true,” he whispered. “I’m perfect for you, and you’re perfect for me.” His hand stroked my hair, his voice deepening, “And I meant it, I love you with all my heart, Michaela.”
His words stole my breath. “I love you, too,” I whispered into his jacket.
He caught my chin between his thumb and forefinger, a tender smile shaping his lips. “Look at me when you say it.”
I exhaled shakily, meeting his gaze. “I love you. Completely. Irrevocably. I’ll never stop.”
He leaned down again and pressed his lips to mine, whisper-soft. I kissed him back, allowing him to slowly deepen the kiss. Before long he had me backed up against the bathroom stall, hands roaming, lips seeking. I pulled away, sucking in a breath.
“We should go. Everyone’s probably wondering where we are.”
James brushed his thumb over my bottom lip and nodded, then held out his hand. I stared at it a moment. It felt meaningful when I finally linked my fingers with his. We walked out of the bathroom, and somehow I felt like I was walking into the light. There was no going back to the shadows now. James loved me and I loved him, and I needed to stop being scared and trying to find reasons not to be with him. Our start might not have been perfect, but it was ours and whatever happened in the future, we’d face it together.
For a second, my world tilted. I couldn’t b
elieve this was real.
When we entered the theatre, the lights had already been dimmed, the episode playing on screen. James led me to sit in the back row, where Afric was lounging with a bucket of popcorn, her feet up on the empty seat next to her. Neil sat in the next seat over, eyeing her disapprovingly. Afric saw us and a wide smile spread across her face. She’d supported my decision, but she hadn’t agreed with my logic for my self-imposed separation from James. She waggled her eyebrows and I shot her a small smile in return. I’d fill her and Sarita in on everything later when I got home.
James and I sat down in the last two available seats. It was slightly strange to be sitting next to him while a giant version of him was projected on the screen.
The group was getting ready for a late-night stunt here in London, one they’d filmed a few months ago. They were on a rooftop, all gathered around as they carried out a conversation. I remembered standing behind the cameras while this part was being filmed. They were talking about a book Paul later loaned to me called “The Hidden Life of Trees.” Which reminded me, I still had to return it.
“You all should read this book,” Paul said on screen. “I’m telling you, it’s fascinating. Trees have families just like humans. They’re basically people.”
“So, there’s a bunch of trees out there like us?” James said. “Because we’re a family, too.”
“Aww, James is having a moment,” Trevor crooned.
“No, I’m being serious,” James went on. “Think about it. I’m obviously the dad. Trev is the eccentric uncle. Cal, Paul, and Leanne are the teenagers, and Isaac’s the baby.”
“Hey! Why do I have to be the baby?”
“Yeah,” Leanne put in. “Isaac’s more like the crazy ten-year-old who’s constantly sliding down the bannister and trying to jump off the roof of the shed just to see if he can fly.”
Isaac chuckled at the description. “Okay, you’re right, that’s me.”
“Who’s the mum then?” Callum asked.
“Ah, now that’s actually a joint role,” James answered, shooting a smile to a spot off the camera. “Neil and Michaela are the mums.” The camera momentarily panned to me and Neil, who didn’t appear pleased to be given a female role. “No, thanks. I’m not being your mother. I already do enough for you lot,” Neil joked.
“That’s exactly why,” James said. “You and Michaela organise our lives, make sure we’re fed, have clean clothes, make our appointments on time. You’re the mums.”
I laughed, remembering how Neil had turned to me, whispering, “If Callum, Paul, Isaac, and Leanne are our kids, we’re totally screwed.”
James squeezed my hand and I met his gaze in the dark of the theatre. He never let go of my hand for the entire hour. I was so aware of him, it was hard to concentrate on the episode. In fact, I barely paid attention to anything else that happened on the screen. The whole time I kept sneaking glances at James. I couldn’t seem to get enough of him.
When the house lights went up at the end of the screening, people started making their way out of their seats. James and I stood, and Afric shimmied up behind me. “I’ll see you at home,” she said with a wink and then she was gone. If it had been Sarita, she would’ve dragged me away and demanded to know every detail of how James and I reunited. Afric was less high maintenance. If you wanted to tell her something she listened, but she never forced you.
The first person to approach us was Leanne. “I see you two have made up,” she said, her astute gaze wandering from James to me. I felt like she was trying to decide if we were okay. Leanne was my friend, but she also cared a great deal for James. She wanted him to be happy.
“It was my fault. I was being an idiot,” I started to say, but she held up a hand.
“No need to explain,” she said, cutting me off. “Whose shoulder do you think this one has been crying on these last few days?”
“Hey, don’t ruin my tough persona,” James protested with a laugh.
I laughed, too, a sense of contentment rushing over me.
Slowly, the others came to join us, and their immediate approval was a pleasant surprise. Trevor and Reya appeared last, and Reya didn’t look too good. In fact, there was an air of panic about both of them as Trevor rushed her to the front of the theatre.
“Her water just broke,” he announced loudly, to which there were several exclamations of shock and surprise.
“I’ll call an ambulance,” Leanne said, pulling out her phone.
“No need. I drove here tonight. My car’s outside,” Trevor replied.
“Everybody, out of the way,” Callum shouted loudly and we all moved aside. A few minutes later, we stood on the footpath outside, waving Trev and Reya off, their family members hustling to flag down taxis to follow them to the hospital. My stomach was all in knots as I prayed everything went well. I glanced at James, who stood next to me.
“Can you feel it?” he said and I eyed him curiously.
“Feel what?”
“The magic in the air. It’s a special night.”
He was right. There was magic in the air. This was a night I’d never forget. It was permanently etched into my memory. Not only because Reya had gone into labour, but also because it was the night James and I said I love you for the first time.
“Come home with me,” James murmured in my ear and I flushed, my stomach fizzing with nerves and excitement.
“Okay,” I whispered back.
When we arrived at the house, I noted several new items of furniture. James had installed some coat hangers by the door, and a side table in the hallway. I walked into the kitchen and saw a brand-new table and chairs.
I turned to him. “You bought furniture?”
He rubbed a hand along his jaw. “Just a few pieces.”
I stared at him. “Why?”
His eyes were on the floor before he lifted them to me. “I’ve been thinking about staying.”
“You’re going to live here? But I thought—”
He came to stand in front of me, taking my hands in his. I savoured the warmth of his touch. “I thought I couldn’t stay. I thought this place would only ever remind me of Diana. But it was never hers. You were the first person to really live here. Every single room makes me think of you. I could never give that up.”
I sucked in a gasp, my pulse hammering. James had said so many sweet things to me tonight, but this was by far the sweetest. I was sure my disbelief was written all over my face. “You’re being serious?”
“As serious as I’ve ever been,” he answered.
My heart wasn’t sure what to do with this information. I went up on my tiptoes to kiss him. He grabbed the back of my neck while I gripped his shoulders. The house was so quiet, and all you could hear was our laboured breathing.
I broke away, trying to catch my breath. “So you’re going to live here all by yourself?”
He started to smile. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“It’s a big house for one person.”
His smile grew. “Are you hedging for me to invite you to move in?”
My eyes bugged. “What?! No, that’s not what I—”
“Is it such a crazy idea?” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to my jaw. “We’ve known each other almost a year now. I’m in love with you. I want to wake up with you every morning, go to bed with you at night.”
Tingles filled my stomach. I stood in front of him, not knowing what to say. The prospect of moving in with James, of living together as a couple, made everything inside me come alive. I wanted that future for us. The idea of it filled me with the purest kind of hope.
“Let me think about it,” I said and his gaze darkened.
I saw several emotions flit behind his eyes; arousal, desire, need. His focus ran along the silk scarf around my neck. He reached out, fingering it before slowly dragging it off over my shoulders. He draped it along the back of a chair then helped me out of my coat. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, allowing him to undress me while he still ha
dn’t so much as taken off his jacket.
Goose bumps covered every inch of my skin. It felt like an eternity since he last touched me. He walked around me, his movements lithe and efficient. I was in only my underwear now, my clothes carefully placed on the back of the chair. James was a man who knew how to tease, how to take his time.
His eyes lingered on the swell of my breasts as I held still, hardly daring to breathe. He moved behind me now, his hand sliding down the curve of my spine, feather-soft. I inhaled sharply when his lips met the hollow of my neck, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin.
“Look,” he whispered and I suddenly saw our image reflected through the large glass window in front of us. James’ eyes held mine in the reflection, his desire evident. It was too dark to see out. Anyone could’ve been watching us, but I didn’t think about that. I let my self-consciousness trickle away and allowed James to take me in. His heat left me and a second later the room was encased in darkness.
Every tiny hair on my body stood on end.
I closed my eyes, waiting for what he might do next, then heard the slow clip of his shoes approach. I rubbed my thighs together, nervous but turned on. I expected his touch but instead felt silk. My scarf? He slid it along my arms and neck, a seductive texture, and then it was gone.
His hands braced my hips as he moved me so that my back hit the wall. My eyes started to adjust to the dark when he lowered to his knees then nuzzled my stomach. I gasped at the tender sensation. He pressed kisses to my hips and upper thighs, taking one of my legs and settling it over his shoulder.
James slid my underwear to the side and pressed his mouth to my sex. My moan pierced the quiet. He tongued my clit and a tremble moved through my body. James groaned, like he was enjoying what he was doing to me just as much as I was.
“Tell me when you’re going to come,” he said, breaking away a moment before returning his attention to my clit. I nodded, words failing me. I’d never come standing up before. The pleasure was somehow more intense. Sharper. His tongue drew circles on my sensitive skin and I felt a release building.