Her lips curl up into a gentle smile that spreads slowly to the rest of her face. For the first time outside of photos from before the Very Bad Day, I see that got-my-whole-life-ahead-of-me grin. At the same time, the Girl seems to be fading somehow, the image in the glass growing fainter.
Now, when I look at her, I see a little bit of myself too.
I might never get all my past back, I know. The memories may stay stubbornly stuck in the shadows of my mind forever. Or they may come back to me in bits and pieces, or in one huge wave when I least expect it. Whatever the future brings, I owe it to both of us to give this life of ours a real shot.
Because I do remember. I remember everything that’s happened to me since I came out of the Big Sleep, and how wrong it felt to be away from home. Most of all, I remember how, when Mom, Dad and Stephen wrapped their arms tightly around me, a feeling of warmth, of what must be love, flooded over me and filled me up.
And maybe this is the only memory that matters.
Author’s Note
What happened to Jessica in Blank is fiction. Writing her story was a way for me to explore unanswered questions I had after completing a degree in psychology, such as how chemical reactions in the brain shape personality and what role memory plays in the development of our sense of self. There are, however, millions of people around the world who face the very real challenges of living with Traumatic Brain Injury (tbi). In the United States, about 1.7 million tbis occur each year, with 52,000 resulting in death. In Canada, approximately 2.4 percent of the population sustained a head injury in 2009–2010. tbi is shockingly common. *
The main causes of brain injury are sudden jolts or blows to the head during sports and recreational activities, motor vehicle collisions, falls, acts of violence and workplace accidents. The effects of tbi can include fatigue, impaired speech and motor control, cognitive challenges, hearing and memory loss, headaches, difficulty managing emotions, seizures and myriad other symptoms. Every case of tbi is unique, and unfortunately, there are no easy fixes.
While the retrograde amnesia Jessica faces in the story is very rare, it’s not merely a cliché. People around the world have shared their personal stories of struggling with this kind of amnesia, in books and documentaries. One such account is The Man Who Lost Himself: The Terry Evanshen Story, by June Callwood. Terry is a retired cfl player who lost all memory of his past after a car accident but was able to rebuild his life with the support of his family. Captain Trevor Greene, a Canadian peacekeeper who suffered a tbi in Afghanistan, also shared his story, in a documentary called Peace Warrior. Though I can’t pretend to understand what having tbi or amnesia is like, such inspiring stories helped me do my job as a writer and try to put myself in their shoes.
Many organizations exist to help if you or a loved one is dealing with brain injury. The Brain Association of Canada can be found at http://biac-aclc.ca/, and the Brain Association of America at http://www.biausa.org/.
Please take care of your brain. Wear a helmet when biking, skateboarding, skiing and playing contact sports, and always wear a seat belt. For more information, check out www.protectyourhead.com.
* Sources:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Traumatic Brain Injury in the United States: Fact Sheet.” http://www.cdc.gov/traumaticbraininjury/get_the_facts.html
Statistics Canada. “Injuries in Canada: Insights from the Canadian Community Health Survey.” http://www.statcan.gc.ca/
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all the teachers who inspired me to love books and the act of creating with words, from elementary teachers in Wandering River to the faculty of the Vermont College mfa program. Thanks, too, to my graduating class (the Zoo) for giving me a sense of belonging in a fantastic community of writers, and special kudos to Shen for her help and encouragement with Blank.
Much appreciation also to all my friends and family members over the years who listened to or read my stories, asked about my writing or told me not to give up. You know who you are. It meant a lot.
A huge thank-you to Andrew Wooldridge and everyone at Orca Book Publishers for taking Blank on, particularly Sarah Harvey for her sharp eye and astute suggestions and for simply being a dream editor.
I’m extremely grateful to my parents, Ron and Jackie St. Jean, for giving me the priceless gifts of a happy childhood and a lifetime of unconditional love and support, and to Mehdi, Elianne and Anissa for making me ridiculously happy to wake up every morning. Merci beaucoup!
Trina St. Jean grew up in northern Alberta but later moved to pursue degrees in psychology and education. She also holds an mfa in Writing for Children and Young Adults from Vermont College. She now lives in Calgary, Alberta, where she teaches esl and evades grizzlies in the nearby Rockies with her husband and two daughters. Blank is Trina’s first novel. For more information, visit www.trinastjean.com.
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