"She's a Were-cat, Tarrin," Jesmind smiled, as if predicting the question. "She's normal for her age. Remember, she'll be a fully grown adult by the time she's ten. We're not like humans."
"How old is she?"
"About a year and a half," Jesmind replied. "But she has the mind of a six year old. We mature just as fast mentally as we grow." She gazed into his eyes for a long moment, then blinked and looked away. "My turn. What happened to you?"
"This?" he asked, holding up an arm, with the fetlock dangling from his outer wrist and forearm. "I came out second best in a fight with a Succubus. This was the result."
"I'd like to hear that story."
"There's not a whole lot to tell," he grunted. "Why here, Jesmind? Why did you bring her here?"
"Because this is your home," she said seriously. "This is where I wanted her to be. I didn't want her to grow up without knowing her father. If you wouldn't have come back, at least this place would have told her all about you."
"Mama likes it here," Jasana said. "We fish and we hunt and we make things, Mama teaches me all about the forest and the humans and things, and sometimes the Drew-weed and the funny humans comes from the forest and visits with us."
"Druid, dear," Jesmind corrected absently. "You call him a drew-weed, and he's likely to smack your bottom."
"Funny humans?"
"That old man, Garyth," Jesmind answered. "He's holed up in the Frontier with some of the villagers."
"I heard about that," Tarrin grunted. "I've already started fixing the problem."
"You didn't--"
"Oh yes I did," Tarrin said hotly. "I'll make Aldreth safer than the Heart. Nobody comes into my village and burns down houses and kills people. Not without dying for it, they don't."
Jesmind looked into his eyes. "You've changed, cub."
"I'm not a cub anymore, Jesmind," he said bluntly.
"No, I guess you're not," she sighed. "You're nothing like what I expected, though."
"What did you expect?"
"The same innocent little cub that needed me," she said, looking into his eyes.
"That Tarrin died a long time ago, Jesmind," he said distantly. "Along with alot of what you remember."
"Mother's been telling me about what happened to you. I'm sorry--" she broke off, looking away. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
Tarrin put a paw on his daughter's torso. Part of him could understand why she left him, but the rest of him was still angry and betrayed by it, by her not telling him. The only thing keeping him from strangling her was the fact that Jasana was sitting on his lap. He was going to settle with Jesmind--oh, yes, he was--but not while Jasana was around.
"I see that not everything is a bad thing," Jesmind said, reaching out and grabbing his other paw. He flinched slightly at her touch, a touch that brought back memories of both sweet sensualness and anger and rage, a mixed confusion of emotions that had always defined his relationship with his fiery first mate. "I see the manacles are gone. Mother told me about them, told me what they meant. I'm happy to see that you gave them up, and everything they represented."
"It," he said after a moment, then blew out his breath. "It wasn't easy. I still think it was a bad idea."
"It's a good sign. Mother said you were nearly as feral as Mist, but I don't see it in you. You've managed to regain yourself since the last time she saw you."
Tarrin looked at the top of Jasana's head, at her pert little ears. She was such an adorable little girl.
"She also told me about what happened with Mist," Jesmind added, and that made Tarrin blush slightly. "Don't worry, I'm not jealous. I think it was a wonderful thing you did."
"Jealous? What right do you have to be jealous?" he flared. "You abandoned me a long time ago, Mother."
Jasana put her paws over his casually, patting it, and her touch had a powerful effect on him. It soothed him almost immediately, and it reminded him again how much control this little girl seemed to be able to enact against him, whenever she wanted.
"You have no idea how much it tore me up to do that, Tarrin," she said earnestly, gazing into his eyes. "I was torn between my duty to you and the safety of our daughter. Can you appreciate how that made me feel?"
He could appreciate how it must have made her feel, but it didn't make him feel any better about it. Jesmind's abandonment of him had hit him very hard, and even now he was still feeling the effects of it. A part of him even felt that feeling jealous over the little girl in his lap would have been perfectly acceptable, but there was no way he could harbor any negative emotions against the precious little girl.
His daughter.
"It's getting late," Jesmind said, looking out the kitchen window. "Why don't you stay here tonight?"
"I'm not about--" he started, but he was cut off.
"Please, papa?" Jasana asked, looking up at him with those adorable eyes. "Please stay with us tonight?"
He found himself to be defenseless against that. "I--alright," he huffed.
Jesmind and Jasana did their nightly chores while Tarrin sat at the table, chin on his paws, trying to make sense of everything. He was both happy and furious, relieved and annoyed, felt both accepted and betrayed. It was simply too much for him to deal with at one time. He was angry with Jesmind, but he couldn't deny what they had once shared. She had abandoned him, betrayed him, and though his heart rebelled at that, his mind fully understood and agreed with her decisions. Had he not come from slaughtering twenty one Dal soldiers in Aldreth, he may not have acted so harshly towards Jesmind and wouldn't have upset his daughter like he did. Seeing her, hearing her voice, incited memories of the Tower in him, both good memories and bad memories. It reminded him of the unmitigated hatred that they had had for one another, and then it reminded him of the tenderness and affection they had found for one another after that. It reminded him of the long thoughts of her while she was away, thoughts of lustful need, thoughts of company and warmth, and fury at how she had left him. His feelings for Jesmind had always been a chaotic whirlwind, and that had only increased now that he knew why she had left him in Suld.
Home. That was one thing. He was home, even if he found something waiting for him here that he hadn't been quite ready to accept. This was the same room that he and his mother and father and sister had spent many an evening, reading, listening to his father play the lute, learning things, telling stories, or just watching the fire burn in the hearth. This was where he had grown up, where he had always thought he would be, at least until he was fifteen. Only four years ago, but it seemed like a lifetime ago.
At that moment, he truly felt old.
Things were different. Jesmind had moved the table, and his parents' chairs were gone. So was the little table that sat between them, chairs just in front of a thick bearskin rug sitting in front of the fire, a rug that had a few blackened burns in its backside from the popping fire. Tarrin had always liked the musty, warm smell of that old rug. He wondered where it was now. In their places now was a single chair facing the fire, with a small wicker basket sitting beside it, and three large pillows spread out near the hearth. The kitchen was bare compared to what he remembered, for Jesmind only seemed to have a few pots and pans, a few baskets and bins for food. It looked empty.
"Go take your bath," Jesmind said to her daughter sharply, shooing her off with a paw on her bottom.
"Aww, mama, I hate baths!" Jasana protested.
"Tough. Now get moving."
Pouting a bit, the little girl shuffled into the back room, where his sister's bedroom had once been.
"She's getting to be a handful," Jesmind sighed, sitting at the table. "She's a devious little monster, to be honest about it, cunning and sneaky."
"Sounds like Kerri," Tarrin said absently. "She's certainly smart."
"I have trouble keeping her interested in things," Jesmind admitted. "She learns so fast, I'm running out of things to teach her."
"She's a Sorcerer," Tarrin told her bluntly.
"I know
," Jesmind replied. "I can feel it in her. And if I can feel it in her, she must be pretty strong." She blew out her breath. "I know you're very mad at me, Tarrin. I just hope you can forgive me for all this."
"I'm not sure I can," he said stiffly. Without Jasana there, his anger had free reign to rise up again.
"That's your decision, but I'm not going to let our problems stand in the way of our daughter," she said bluntly. "Jasana needs both of us."
"I thought females didn't let males interfere."
"Not usually, but she's a Sorcerer, Tarrin," she said with a little fear in her voice. "I don't know what to do about that. You're a Sorcerer, so I was hoping that you'd know what to do. She's starting to be a problem."
"What do you mean?"
"She's starting to use her power," Jesmind told him, reaching out and putting a paw on his forearm. "I don't think she understands what she's doing yet, or if she's aware of it, but I've caught her using her power three times so far. That doesn't count what I haven't seen."
"She shouldn't be able to do that. She's just a girl. Sorcery doesn't manifest until puberty."
"Should or shouldn't, the fact is that she is doing it," she said calmly. "I'm afraid of what might happen. I remember what happened with you, and I don't want her to be in any danger."
"What is this I hear? Jesmind is admitting that she was wrong?"
Jesmind gave him a hot look. "Of course I can admit it when I'm wrong. I let my hatred of the Sorcerers cloud the fact that you were better off with them than with me. Does that make you happy?"
"No, it doesn't. What would make me happy would be for us to go back to that time and have you not leave," he said gruffly, glaring at her. "That hurt me, Jesmind. Alot more than you think it did."
"The past is past," she huffed. "I made my decision, and I have to live with it just as much as you do. We can let it poison us, or we can accept it and move on with our life."
"I don't forgive that easily, woman," Tarrin said ominously, his ears twitching.
"I'm not asking for your forgiveness," Jesmind snapped. "I apologized for leaving you, but it was the best--the only--thing that I could do under the circumstances."
"That doesn't help, Jesmind!" Tarrin told her in a rising voice. "If you had even an inkling of what I've been through the last two years, you'd never have left in the first place!"
"Am I a psychic now?" she asked archly. "I did what I had to do at the time!"
Tarrin rose to his feet, slamming a paw down on the table with enough force to crack it. He looked down at Jesmind with rising anger, but she stood in the face of his wrath calmly, stoically. "How would you feel if you came home after two years and found your old mate living in your house with a child you never knew you had!" he raged at her, pushing his paw down into the table with enough force to split it in half. "Do you have any idea how tired I am of surprises! How tired I am of having my life turned on its ear every two months?" he asked her as the two sides of the table clattered to the floor. "I'm trying to stop an army from overrunning Suld, and I find you and this waiting for me on the road back!" He threw up his paws. "Damn it all, I give up!" he said in exasperation. "I'm going to go into a monastary!"
Jesmind looked at him for a long moment, then she suddenly burst out into helpless laughter. Tarrin fixed her with an unholy stare, but she kept right on laughing, even going so far as to tip backwards in her chair and fall to the floor. Tarrin's fury with her melted into an indignant kind of embarassment, because he had no idea what she found to be so bloody funny.
"Ohhh, my," Jesmind managed to heave, then she laughed a little more. "No matter how much you say you change, Tarrin, that tells me that you're still the man I remember. You're still my Tarrin."
Tarrin glared at her.
"I'm done with my bath, mama!" Jasana called, coming out of Jenna's old room. Tarrin glanced at her, then shook his head.
Jasana forgot to put clothes on.
"Why are you on the floor?" she asked her mother.
"It's alright, cub," Jesmind chuckled. "Go put your nightshirt on."
"Yes, mama," she said obediently, then padded into his parents' old room.
Jesmind pulled herself off the floor, looking up at Tarrin with slightly mischievious eyes. "I know you're mad, but you're a Were-cat, Tarrin. You'll get over it," she grinned.
"Don't count on it," he snorted, crossing his arms defiantly.
"Well, I seem to remember this one time that we hated each other," she smiled, "and it didn't last as long as I thought it would. Face it, Tarrin. You like me, I like you. You may be mad at me, but that will pass, and we'll be nice to each other again."
Tarrin glared at her again.
"I may not be your bond-mother anymore, but I know you, Tarrin. I know you better than you think. Look me in the eye and deny that you feel anything for me."
He couldn't do that, so he simply looked away from her.
"That's what I thought," Jesmind chuckled. "Don't worry, Tarrin. Anger is natural for our kind. I've tried to kill my own mother, and I meant it at the time. It keeps our relationships invigorating." She put a paw on his forearm. "You'll come to realize that I did what was best for Jasana at the time, and that I'm sorry that it hurt you," she said gently. "Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't think of any other way to protect Jasana."
"I, I don't know, Jesmind," he said gruffly.
"Just sleep on it, Tarrin," she said. "Stay with us tonight. Get to know your daughter. I promise you, you won't feel so angry in the morning."
Jasana padded out from the room and immediately set herself in front of her father, arms out expectantly.
Tarrin reached down and picked the little girl up, holding her close to him, letting her scent and the sense of her saturate his senses. He couldn't deny the love he felt for this unexpected bundle of joy cast across his path. Despite the seething anger he felt for Jesmind at the moment, he couldn't ignore the powerful feelings that the little girl inspired in him. This was his child, his daughter, and he wanted to know her.
There would be reckoning with Jesmind later. And probably reckoning with the Goddess, who had no doubt sent him here to find them.
"So, the rabbit went down into the hole, but mama reached in and grabbed it," Jasana chattered along exuberantly. It was later that evening, and Tarrin laid on the floor where the old rug used to be, laying on the pillows with Jasana just beside him. Jesmind had quietly withdrawn from them to allow Tarrin time alone with his daughter, time to talk to her, get to know her.
He'd discovered several things about her already. She was bubbly, for one, full of energy and life, always racing around. She talked alot, which reminded him of Sarraya, chattering on about things that had great importance to a child, yet meant very little to an adult. He wasn't sure if that was normal for her, if it was just excitement at having him with her. She liked to touch people, touch things, touch everything around her. And she was very affectionate, having seemingly formed an immediate bond with her unknown father, acting like he had always been a part of her life, like it was nothing special that he had finally shown up for the first time in her life.
And he had learned much about the workings of her mind. She was only a year and a half old, yet she had the maturity and ability of a six year old human child. Maybe even more so. From talking with her, he had come to realize that Jasana's mind was not normal, even for a child of six. She was very intelligent, exceptionally so, admittedly much smarter than he was. She had a keen understanding of things that seemed to be out of place for such a tender young age, an insight into the subtle signals that passed between her parents that allowed her to effectively control Tarrin's temper any time she wished, usually by little more than a touch and a smile. She didn't seem afraid of her father's volatile temper at all, and he realized that that was because she had no reason to fear something she could utterly control.
Tarrin had never been wrapped around someone's finger before, and he found it to be both annoyin
g and embarassing.
But the truth hurt. Jasana's gentle presence had a dramatic effect on her father, calming him where nobody other than his parents, Allia, or Keritanima could hope to calm him. She conjured up images and feelings of Janette, his little mother, causing the same powerful motivations in him that he had for that darling little human girl. He found himself completely in her thrall as he sat there and listened to her talk about when Jesmind had taken her out hunting the day before, teaching her how to pull rabbits out of burrows without getting bitten in the process. Such savage training seemed out of place for such a sweet little girl, but Tarrin knew that Jasana was a Were-cat. Hunting and killing were instinctual responses in her, and as such they were things that would be a part of her life. It was only natural for her mother to teach her all about killing prey.
It seemed surreal, lying there on the floor, a floor ingrained in his deepest memories, lying there with a little girl that was his own flesh and blood, his own daughter, listening to her prattle on aimlessly. Laying there told him how tired he was, how hard he had pushed himself, how draining that day had been both physically and emotionally. He was tired. Goddess, he was tired.
"Papa, you're not listening to me," Jasana said sharply, nudging him.
"I'm sorry, cub," Tarrin said blearily. "I'm just very tired."
"That's alright, papa," she said with a giggle. "You just put your head down and I'll read you a bedtime story, just like mama does for me."
"I'm a little old for stories, cub," Tarrin chuckled wearily, putting his head on his paws and staring into the fire.
"You're never too old for stories. Mama says so herself."
"Really? And what's her favorite story?" he asked with a slow smile.
"Her favorite story? Well, she likes telling the story of the Wanderer."
"I didn't ask what story she likes to tell, I asked what story is her favorite," he corrected her.
"Her favorite story is the one she tells me about you, papa," she replied, her expression turning sober. "She tells it to me almost every other night."
"A story about me? I'd like to hear it."
Tarrin Kael Firestaff Collection Book 3 - Honor and Blood by Fel © Page 89