And in a way, it conjured up memories of his own evil deeds. That caused him pain, and he transferred that pain onto Jesmind's shoulders. He had done things like that himself, and when he did them, there had been a grisly...eagerness about it. More than once, he had acted like that for the sheer need to inflict pain, like when he had fought and beaten Jula. It eroded a bit of his image of himself and his own kind to know that they all shared that tainted trait. He had seen Jesmind lower herself to a level he hoped he'd never see either in himself or any other, and that hurt.
Maybe he'd been fooling himself all along. Jesmind was a Were-cat. She wasn't the pristine little doll he had created in his mind as an impression of her, an impression fueled by her recent flexibility, her desire to accommodate his peculiar nature to keep him as her mate. He had known what she was like, even if he didn't want to face it himself. She was the same Jesmind as before, with the same fiery nature and rather ruthless approach to things. She had been very tranquil lately, but she had never tried to hide who she was from him. The truth of her had always been right there, only he chose to cover it with an illusion that she wasn't as bad as he was, that she would give to their daughter a gentleness that he no longer had inside, an innocence lost. He had to face the fact that she was just like him, that she was just as capable of evil and monstrosity as he was. He didn't want to believe it, but he had no choice.
Jesmind had become a mirror of himself, and he found that he couldn't bear to face the reflection of himself he found in her.
Just another shattered illusion. And the shards of it cut into him.
So he sat on that rock, well away from the camp, well away from everyone else, and struggled to rebuild his image of his mate. She was still Jesmind. Even after this, the Cat in him wouldn't allow him to hold it against her. He was still drawn to her, attracted to her, wanted to be with her. That seemed slightly ghoulish, considering what she had done to Rahnee, but the truth of it was undeniable. He was just angry with her, for what she did, that was all. And that would pass. All things passed with Were-cats. Even Rahnee would eventually forget about what Jesmind did to her--well, maybe not forget, but she would let it drop. For them, the matter was settled, at least for the moment, but Tarrin wasn't sure if it would stay that way. Had Jesmind simply beaten her and been done with it, they would have been talking and laughing together moments after the injuries healed. But Jesmind had gone farher than that, and he wasn't sure if Rahnee would ever forget it. Were-cats could hold grudges, and they could be very nasty. Tarrin would know, he had more than a few grudges against various assorted people at the moment.
Rahnee wouldn't forget...and he knew that he never would either. But he could forgive, even if he couldn't forget.
There was a stir behind him, and when the wind shifted, he caught Kimmie's scent. He glanced in her direction as she stepped from the brush and padded over to him, but he said nothing. He wasn't surprised to see her.
"Both of them are pretty shamefaced," she told him gently. "Jesmind is pretty upset that she made you angry, and Rahnee is upset that she caused a fight between you two. She only challenged Jesmind because she wanted you to think about her after you and Jesmind broke up, the same way I've been talking to you about it. Only Rahnee acted with her muscles instead of her brain. Rahnee knew that even if she won, you wouldn't have left Jesmind."
"Jesmind should be upset," he growled. "How could she do that?"
"Tarrin, you have to know the history between them to know why she did that," Kimmie said, seating herself on the rock beside him. "Jesmind and Rahnee have had some bad blood between them for a while, since the last time Rahnee tried to steal Jesmind's mate. What happened out there was just them settling an old score along with a new one. It's over now. Rahnee's a little angry that Jesmind actually threw her in the fire, but she'll get over it. She's been beaten, and she knows it. Jesmind and Rahnee were good friends before this mate thing cropped up, and now that they've fought it out, they probably will be again." She put a paw on his shoulder. "If anyone understands, I know you do, Tarrin," she said gently. "I know it offends your human sensibilities, but remember that we're in their world now."
"How can you say that, Kimmie?" he demanded, looking at her. "How can you defend Jesmind after she threw Rahnee into a fire?" he said with consice emphasis on each and every word.
"I'm not defending her. I'm just saying that it's something that all of us have done at least once before," she replied. "All of us. Even me. We're all prone to things like that, and we know that it's not that it's personal, it's just that we got a little too angry. Rage is part of being a Were-cat, turned or natural. Jesmind's anger got the best of her because of what happened between the two of them in the past, and what she did reflects that. After all, we both know that Jesmind would never do something like that to someone without being in a rage. Rahnee understands. And I think you do too." She turned his chin to make him look at her. "None of us are happy about what Jesmind did, but then again, we won't condemn her for it. Because we've all been there."
Tarrin blew out his breath. Damn Kimmie and her calm logic! She had surmised everything he had felt himself, surmised it and explained it in a way that made it hard for him to remain angry with his mate. Triana had told him that all Were-cats suffered rages, lived with it all their lives. Even Jesmind. He couldn't blame her for losing her head, because it was something that could and did happen to Were-cats, no matter how old or experienced or controlled they were.
He hadn't actively considered the idea that Jesmind was in a rage, but now that he thought about it, it was a rational explanation. The Jesmind he knew wouldn't throw Rahnee in the fire. No, it would take something like a rage to cause her to do something like that. That rational explanation satisfied the Human's need to understand what caused it to happen, and the two parts of him suddenly found a concensus upon which to agree.
"Is, is Rahnee alright?"
"Fine," Kimmie assured him. "Whatever you did to her healed her completely. She doesn't even have any scars."
"Why is she upset that she caused a fight between me and Jesmind?"
"None of us like to see another upset, Tarrin," she said gently. "Rahnee knows she's the reason you're angry, because she picked the fight. Jesmind is terribly upset because you saw her when she was at her worst, and you rebuffed her when she tried to explain what happened. Believe me, Tarrin, we don't like to see any Were-cat when they're in a rage. It's a reminder to us of the skeletons in our own closets. Since you were born human, Jesmind knew that you wouldn't understand, that you've never seen another Were-cat in a rage before, and that you'd react exactly the way you did. And she was right."
Tarrin sighed. "Don't make me feel any worse, Kimmie," he asked in a low voice.
Kimmie chuckled. "Sometimes I'm impressed by how well Jesmind knows you, Tarrin," she admitted. "Her understanding of your mind is remarkable, considering she's a natural Were-cat. Her ability to predict how your human mind is going to operate impresses me." She stood up and held out her paw. "Now come on. Jesmind is very upset, and she needs to know that you don't hate her."
"If she knows me so well, she knows that."
"Tarrin, Tarrin, Tarrin," Kimmie sighed with a chuckle. "Of course she knows it, but she needs to hear it. She may be a natural Were-cat female, but she's also a woman. Women need to hear these things, whether they know it or not."
Tarrin looked at her, then stood up and took her paw. "I'm still a little angry," he grunted.
"Anger isn't much to Were-cats, Tarrin," Kimmie smiled. "Jesmind can live with it if you're angry, but she can't if you hate her. She really loves you, you know. I've told you that before. Your good opinion of her matters as much to her as Jasana, or breathing."
"Well, let's go make sure that she keeps breathing, then," he said, feeling much better. Kimmie was alot like Allia, he realized. Always there with a gentle word and a kind paw to make him understand things, to make him feel better about himself and the world. Her calm reasoning had e
xplained things to him in a way that made sense, had calmed his fears and eased the troubled tumult rolling through his mind.
The camp was empty and quiet. He could scent the others in their tents, clearing the way for him to come back without facing a gauntlet of concern. He could smell that the fire had been doused with water, but not before it was used to roast the deer. Kimmie shooed him towards his tent, then went to her own and ducked inside.
Jesmind had her back to the tent flap, kneeling on the ground, but she whirled around to face him when he opened it and ducked in. He was surprised to see that she'd been crying, and that caused what animosity he'd felt for her and what she'd done to melt away. He realized that Jasana wasn't in the tent, that she was probably with one of the others while her parents worked things out.
"Oh, Tarrin, I'm so sorry!" she said immediately as he knelt beside her, and he was startled when she reached out and embraced him so tightly that it threatened to break his ribs. "I didn't mean to--"
"Kimmie explained it," he interrupted in a wheezing voice. "Could you let go before your paws meet in my middle?"
"Oh!" she said in surprise, releasing him. He put his paw to his chest and took a deep breath, then he looked into her teary eyes calmly. "I'm sorry I reacted that way, Jesmind. I knew you'd never do something like that willingly, but when I saw it happen--" he looked away. "It's not you. When I saw that, it reminded me of the things I've done, and I was angry with you because it made me remember. Kimmie said no Were-cat likes to see another lose control for just that reason. I believe her."
Jesmind sniffled, wiping at her face with the back of her furry white paw. "I never wanted you to see me like that," she said in a quiet tone.
"It's alright," he assured her. "I'm a little angry, but that's natural, considering things. I'm not going to hold it against you, and I don't hate you for it. If Rahnee can forgive you, then so can I. What kind of mate would I be if I couldn't accept you for your faults as well as your strengths?"
The look she gave him was one of unparalleled gratitude. Then she reached up, grabbed him by the back of his head, and pulled him down into a fierce kiss.
Kimmie had been right yet again.
The bad event of the last evening had either been forgotten, or nobody cared to talk about it the next morning. The Were-cats gathered together for breakfast without much conversation, and then they were off before the fire had a chance to burn down to coals. Rahnee and Jesmind did talk with one another for a moment after they woke up, doing so privately, and when they returned they were actually smiling at one another. Kimmie had been right once more when she said that Rahnee wouldn't hold what happened against Jesmind. The two of them seemed to have made peace with one another, but Tarrin knew that was going to last just as long as Rahnee thought that Jesmind wasn't keeping an eye on her.
But there were other things on their minds that day, and that was war. The entire host became quieter and quieter as they neared Torrian, and they began to move faster. Even the humans seemed to sense the quiet urgency catching up the Woodkin, an urgency to set right a wrong ignored too long, a need to strike a blow against foes that sought to destabilize the balance of things. They were almost running as the sun began to set, and Arren pulled them up behind a small rise. Tarrin remembered that rise from long ago, and he knew that Torrian was just on the other side of it, in a wide, shallow valley split in half by a river. That river flowed directly through Torrian, going under the log wall, and it formed a part of the formidable defenses that protected the castle in the middle of the city.
"This is it," Arren announced. "The other Rangers should be around here somewhere. Tarrin, could you call that winged woman down so she can tell us what's out there?" Arren called.
"Yes, Arren," Tarrin complied, calling out to Ariana with the amulet. She responded, then swooped in to land just in front of them not a moment later.
"I was circling over a large camp of Rangers about a longspan over there," Ariana said, pointing south. "They had scouts out, and that camp is breaking up. They know we're here, and they're moving out into the forest."
"Did they set up the traps as I ordered?"
"This morning," Ariana replied with a nod. Tarrin realized that Arren must have sent Ariana ahead with orders from him. It explained why he hadn't seen her much for the last two days, she'd been spending her time flying back and forth. "They're all in the camp now, so they must be moving to deploy like you told them to, since they know we're here."
"Good. Alright, let's get Mikos, Sathon, and Audrey up here. It's time to get set up."
Tarrin looked towards Jesmind, who had Jasana up on her shoulders. They hadn't spoken much since the night before, and that ended without much conversation. Jasana had been curiously quiet all day, which surprised him. He figured that she'd ask a thousand questions about what happened the night before, but she hadn't. She'd been downright silent all day. He found out that Kimmie had watched her last night, her being the only Were-cat that Jesmind would trust with their daughter, and that told him that Kimmie had probably explained some things to Jasana in a way that both made her understand and prevented her from talking about it today, bringing up things that everyone knew were better left dropped. They had talked about this last night, about what would happen next. Jesmind had argued vociferiously about it after she got over her bout of guilt, reverting to her old ways as soon as she realized that her place with him was still secure, but in the end she could not move Tarrin an finger. So she would spend this battle well outside of it, away from danger, and she would have Kimmie to help her protect Jasana from harm. Tarrin would settle for no less than two Were-cats defending his child, and it was probably best to keep Kimmie out of the fighting anyway. She didn't have the temperament for it.
Sathon and Mikos arrived a moment after Arren summoned them, and Audrey a moment after them. "Alright, we're here," Arren announced. "We're going to do this as we planned. All of you know what to do. Audrey, did you explain the concept of officers to the Were-kin?"
"It wasn't easy, but they understand," she replied. "They don't like not knowing every part of the plan. Were-kin have a problem following orders blindly."
"I've noticed," Sathon said with a grin. "I think they don't like following orders from humans more than following orders in the first place."
"That's probably true, Sathon," Audrey agreed with a straight face.
"I chose strapping Rangers that can keep up with the Were-kin in a fight, so that shouldn't be a problem," Arren told her. "Tarrin, are you ready for you part?"
"There's not really much need to prepare," he said mildly. "Since there's only one gate on this side of the river, I know where to go and what to do. I just need to know when."
"When I send you off with Lady Ariana, it'll be time," Arren told him calmly. "My dear, you flew over the city?"
"Several times, my Duke," Ariana smiled. "You're going to be facing about five thousand Dal troops. Most of them are quartered either on the walls or in the castle. They're using ten man patrols to keep control of the city, but I suspect they'll all head for the walls when the alarm goes out."
"That would be the logical thing to do," Arren agreed. "All right then, my officers have already received their orders, and they'll be spreading out to take command of your groups. Uh, you did divide them up into units, didn't you?" he asked.
"My Centaurs are already organized like that, Duke Arren," Mikos told him calmly.
"I had a hard time convincing the Were-kin to divide up, but they eventually agreed. I barely had to bite anyone to do it, either."
"I'm so glad to know that," Arren murmured. "The officer I'm sending with the Were-cats should--"
"Don't bother, Duke Arren," Tarrin grunted. "They wouldn't listen to a human officer. Just tell them where to go and what to do, then let them do it. They'll find a way to be useful."
"Well then, I'll take your word for it," Arren chuckled. "They know the signal?"
"When they see the others attack the gate,
they'll know."
"Well then, there's no more need to stand here talking. Let's get into position. Everyone remember that we can't be seen, so move carefully and be quiet. Tarrin, you and Ariana stay with me. Everyone else, you know what you have to do."
Tarrin, Ariana, and Arren moved forward more slowly than the others, at a walk, allowing their forces to get into their assigned positions, but with a short look at him, Jesmind took Jasana and Kimmie and went the other way, away from the city. Arren took them to the top of the rise just as darkness claimed the sun, hiding them from view from the city below as they looked down upon it. There were many, many torches, many points of light shining over the walls of the city, and they looked a little...hazy. Tarrin had a strange, nagging sensation that he couldn't quite explain while he looked down at the city, and it made him feel distinctly uncomfortable. He didn't know why, but he did.
They waited in grim silence for nearly half an hour, and then Arren mounted his horse deliberately. "Give me five minutes," he told them. "Five minutes, and then go. Remember, be quick, be careful, and be true. We only get one chance at this."
"One chance is one more than what's necessary, Duke Arren," Ariana said confidently. "What you're asking is child's play."
"Let's hope you're right, my lady," Arren grunted. "I suddenly have a bad feeling about this." And then he urged his horse to a slow walk, disappearing into the trees on the left side of the road.
"Worryer," Ariana snorted, shivering her wings. "When will it be five minutes?"
"You'd think that people who have to navigate by air had a sense of time," Tarrin muttered, looking at her.
"Tell me what a minute is, and I'll gladly tell you how many have gone by since he left," she said sharply.
Tarrin glanced at her, then chuckled ruefully. "Nevermind. By the time we talk about what we'll do, it'll be ready to go."
Tarrin Kael Firestaff Collection Book 3 - Honor and Blood by Fel © Page 113