by CJ Butcher
“Hey Marisol, Dr. Maddox is outside waiting for you.” Mindy said loudly. Marisol closed her eyes and counted to ten. That was all she needed was a bunch of rumors getting started.
“I’m coming.” Marisol said just as loudly. She might as well just go with the flow. She was sure that it would get out sooner or later. She grabbed her stuff and headed towards the door.
Mindy looked at her quizzically. “Are you going out with him?” She asked.
“Something like that.” Marisol said. She went out the door and saw Josh leaning back on the hood of his car. She stopped at the top step and just stared at him. He looked good in his jeans and dress shirt. She felt her stomach flip-flop. He smiled and touched his forehead in a salute. Marisol smiled and bounded down the steps. She didn’t care who saw her, she ran up to him and he caught her in his arms and hugged her to him.
“I figured if I didn’t pick you up, you’d chicken out.” He said laughing.
“I almost did, but then I saw you standing there and to be honest it flew right out of my head. I wanted to run all of 3 seconds.” Marisol said honestly.
“We have an audience, not that I mind - because I don’t.”
“Let them look because I’m throwing caution to the wind.” Marisol looked over her shoulder and 12 pairs of eyes were staying at them with their mouths hanging open. Marisol just smiled as Josh opened the passenger side door for her. “This is a big step for me you know.”
“What going out with me?”
“No, letting you drive. I usually have to be in control.” Marisol stated.
“You can drive if you want. I just thought you might like to sit back and relax and listen to some tunes and close your eyes.”
“Not likely. I’m too nervous for that.” Marisol got in and put on her seatbelt and watched as he crossed in front of the car. Gosh, he looked good in those jeans. Marisol closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
“Meditating?”
“Not exactly. I wish I were that calm. Nice car…when did you get it? I remember the old Jetta.”
“I had to get rid of that old rust bucket. I bought this about a month ago. Didn’t really want a car but didn’t want a truck so I settled on a SUV. Volkswagen Touareg’s got a really good reputation. I had the Tiguan and Jetta so I thought I’d stick with Volkswagen.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m working on Infiniti number 4. So I stuck with that brand.” Marisol said. They were both really nervous…they were sitting here talking about their vehicles. Josh looked at Marisol out of the corner of his eye.
“You know we’re making small talk about cars right?”
“I was just thinking that. How nervous are you?” Marisol asked looking over at him.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Josh said seriously.
Josh glanced at Marisol in amazement. She didn’t know how nervous he was. His hands were shaking and he was sweating like a pig and it was cold outside. She had to know the effect she had on him. He had always been interested in her, even when he probably shouldn’t have. She was smart, funny and had a beautiful smile that lit up her whole face. When she smiled her eyes twinkled with mischief. When he had suggested going out he hadn’t thought she would actually say yes. It had been a shock to his system when he had seen her at the office. He had known she worked there, but he hadn’t been prepared when he’d seen her. After all, it had been several years and those years had changed her immensely. She had lost a lot of weight and had gotten rid of the glasses and her long reddish brown hair was in a flipped out wispy style that he just wanted to run his fingers through. She looked amazing to him, but then she always had and he had fought that interest for 5 years. Looking back, he almost wished he’d acted on it, but his morals wouldn’t have let him. He had been in love with her when he had left and it had almost killed him to leave, but he had. His marriage had fallen apart not long after that. He had tried, he really had. He’d loved Jessica and he had tried to make it work even after he left, but his marriage had still failed. Things just hadn’t been the same. He hadn’t been happy at work or at home and things had gone downhill from there. Sure, he had talked Jessica into counseling, but after a couple of months she had decided that it wasn’t worth it. He guessed she was right on some level, but he had married for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part and he couldn’t keep that last vow. He took marriage serious, but in the back of his mind he always knew that Marisol had been his soul mate from the day he had met her. He had known she was the one when they had talked about religion and marriage. Marisol had been a very spiritual person, she had loved God more than anything and didn’t want to put him second and she had made it very clear to him on more than one occasion. That’s what he loved about her, her relationship with God and her views on the subject. He glanced over at Marisol and saw her leaning her head back with her eyes closed.
“Are you asleep over there?”
“Not hardly. I’m trying to keep from making a fool of myself. I have so many….” Marisol said quietly letting her sentence drift off.
“Questions?”
“What happened with your marriage?”
“Right to the point, I like it. It ended. We grew apart and couldn’t make things work. It happens. I tried to get her to do the counseling thing and she did for a while and then she didn’t want to anymore. She didn’t want to try anymore. I don’t really blame her.” Josh said sincerely.
“I’m sorry. I know how much you loved her.”
“Actually, there’s a confession I need to make. There was someone else.”
“Oh.” Marisol said, sitting straight up in her seat. That was the last thing she thought he would say.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. When I left you I didn’t realize how hard that would be. I kind of shut myself down and wanted nothing more than to see you and hear you and I let her know it. I didn’t come right out and tell her, but I might as well have.” Josh said. He clenched both hands around the steering wheel and then flexed his fingers. He glanced at her expression and saw sympathy and a little brightness in her eyes. He might as well just lay it out there. This was real life and in real life sometimes things just needed to be said. He might scare her off, but at least he’d let her know how he felt. Maybe it was quick in coming, but it wasn’t really. It had been 10 years in the making.
“I didn’t know. I mean, I knew how I felt, but I never knew how you felt. You kept it pretty well hidden. My mom always told me how you talked about me when she saw you but I always thought it was just you being nice.” Marisol said quietly.
“I’m never just nice without a reason.” He grinned wolfishly.
“Liar. Since we’re being honest, I was interested but I couldn’t get past the fact you were married.”
“That’s what I loved about you. The way you would always put God first and you had morals. You wouldn’t have compromised yourself for anything.” He pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and turned off the engine and turned to her. “I remember thinking how you never wavered in your beliefs and how I wished I had that.”
“Wow how things change.” Marisol said looking anywhere but at him. Josh looked at her quizzically and before he could ask her what she meant she unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out of the SUV.
“Hey, wait up. What did you mean by that?” He asked.
“It’s just that I’m not that believing girl anymore.” She then turned and walked into the restaurant without waiting for him to catch up. Josh was left standing there in puzzlement. What had happened to the happy-go-lucky girl he had known? What had happened to the unfailing faith of the woman walking away from him? When had she become so jaded? Josh was going to find out because that was an important part of her. She might have gotten a little lost, but Josh was going to help her find herself and maybe help him find some of himself in the process. All these years he’d questioned why things had happened the way they do, maybe he was getting a second chance to find
out why.
Marisol strode across the parking lot without waiting for Josh. She shouldn’t have just blurted that out, but she had to be honest with him. What was she supposed to do? Just act like she was the same person. She wasn’t. She may never be the same again. She had prayed a lot of prayers in her life and she knew that God wasn’t a genie. He couldn’t grant her “wishes” or “prayers” but sometimes she just wanted to know that he was there. It’s not like she treated God like he was drive through – “Hey God, I’d like an order of godly man with a side of love and I’ll pull right on up and you can hand him to me through the drive through window.” She knew it didn’t work that way. That still didn’t keep her from getting upset sometimes. All her ‘so called’ friends around her were married and had children of their own and were happy and she had none of that. Part of her was ticked and part of her was broken.
She had gone through more in the last 10 years than she cared to think about and most times she could put it behind her and go on. She could deal with the fact that she was almost thirty-five and single. She could deal with the fact that she had no one to love and no one to love her back. She could deal with the fact that she still lived with her parents and that other people looked down their nose at her because of it. What she couldn’t deal with and what she hadn’t told anyone was that when she was thirty she had to have a total hysterectomy because she’d had a tumor on her remaining ovary that could have been cancer. When the doctor had gone in she’d had endometriosis so bad that they hadn’t had any choice but to take everything. It wasn’t as if she’d ever wanted children because she hadn’t, but she would have liked to have had the choice. Now she never would. It hadn’t been that one thing that had caused her to walk backwards a couple of feet…it had been several things. She believed in God and she loved him more than anything, but somewhere along the way she had started relying more on herself than on God. She hadn’t put her full trust in him in a long time. Hearing Josh talk about her like she was Miss Goody two shoes had made her feel suffocated. He might not even want anything to do with her now that she’d blurted out she didn’t believe like she used to. She wished she could. She wished she could go back and be that girl who was on fire for God and who took everything to him in prayer, except she wasn’t and she didn’t know how to get back there.
“Hey wait up!” Josh called.
“Sorry. I had to get out of there.”
“You have some explaining to do. What happened? You looked like you had bees in your pants and then you took off running.”
“More like I felt like I got slapped in the face by the truth and it hurt. Look, I don’t know how to tell you that I’m not the same person you knew back then. I’ve made a lot of decisions and I’ve walked away on a lot of things that I’m not proud of.” Marisol said rushing it all out at once. Josh grabbed her hand and pulled her to him.
“I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve made decisions that have literally changed other people lives and I can’t go back and change it either. I’m not asking for perfect. I’m not even asking for semi-perfect; just normal, well as normal as you are that is.” He smirked at her and she grinned.
“I walked away Josh.” Marisol said hardly above a whisper. He held her hand to his heart and she felt it hammering. She knew the feeling. Hers was going like a racehorse.
“You know what? Why don’t we get takeout and go to my house? We’ll be able to talk without any interruptions. I don’t think that we’d get to really have a serious discussion if we’re out here in the middle of a restaurant.” Did Marisol really want to talk about this? She could just say no and they could just go into the restaurant and she could put on her happy face.
“Take-out is perfect.”
Chapter 4
Pulling into Josh’s driveway 20 minutes later, Marisol was a bundle of energy and nerves. She didn’t know why she’d agreed to this. Yes she did, she wanted him to know the real her – warts and all. He opened the front door and turned on the hall light.
“Be careful, I have stuff in the middle of the floor.” Josh stated and maneuvered her around it.
“Your home is a lot cleaner than I thought it would be. Not that I thought you were pig or anything. I just figured living the bachelor lifestyle would make you a….you know what – I’ll shut up now.” Marisol shut her mouth abruptly. Josh laughed and said:
“You always were outspoken. Why stop now? I don’t really like clutter, so I keep things straightened up.” He grabbed plates out of the cabinet and waved Marisol away when she tried to help. “I got it. You head right through there and I’ll bring everything in.” Marisol did as she was told and sat at the table. He came in with the takeout bags, plates, silverware and juggling glasses on top. He placed them on the table. “See green eyes, I got skills. I didn’t even drop a glass. I have tea, coke, orange juice, milk and water. Whatcha feel like?”
“Tea.”
“Here you go. It’s really sweet just to warn you.” He said.
“Thanks but that’s the way I like it.” He reached into the bag and drew out the Chinese food they had gotten. He had 10 cartons set on the table like an offering.
“Dig in, darling.” He passed the cartons to her and when she had gotten what she wanted, he began pouring a little of everything on his plate. “So you want to tell me…” he let the sentence drop off as he took a bite of sweet and sour chicken. Marisol held her breath and waited for the question she knew he wanted to ask. “What you’ve been doing the last couple of years?” he finished. Okay that was not what she thought he was going to ask.
“Working, working and more working. I’ve gotten pretty good at it.” Marisol said rolling her eyes at him. “I sleep, eat and dream work. I’m very boring.”
“I doubt that. If I remember correctly, you were always doing stuff with the singles at your church when we worked together. You never stayed home.” He looked at her questioningly.
“Things change.”
“You said that, but what changed? Is your mom and dad okay?” He asked
“They’re great. Dad’s retired now and enjoying it, but he’s starting to get bored. Now he’s up under mom like a chigger. I like to think of myself as a buffer between them. They don’t argue, but you remember that my dad’s not really a talker. At least with me there, mom has someone to talk to.” Marisol rambled.
“Yeah I remember. I loved your mom. She’s so awesome. She knew how I felt about you, you know.” It wasn’t a question.
“She loved you too. She was really upset when you left. So was I.” Marisol finished up what was on her plate and put her fork down. “It took me a long time to get over losing you. I mean, I never had you, except I wanted too.” Marisol’s mouth dropped open and Josh laughed out loud. She could not believe she just said that.
“See that’s what I missed. That mouth of yours.” He leaned over and tapped her lips with his finger. “You always spoke before you thought and I loved it, I especially missed the blushing part.” He let his finger linger against her lips and she had the urge to nibble it.
“I guess some things haven’t changed. You still flirt with me and I’m left walking away with rosy red cheeks.” Marisol got up and walked into the living room.
“Speaking of walking away…” Josh said quietly, following her over to the couch where she sat down and tucked her feet under her.
“Ah. I didn’t think you’d let me get out of that so easy. So you want to know what I meant. Okay. I walked away several years ago. I didn’t walk away from God or anything. I walked away from church and religion. I walked out the front door one Sunday morning and I didn’t look back. I looked around me and realized that all my friends were getting married and having kids. They were happy and I wasn’t. I got mad at God for something that wasn’t his fault and I just gave up.” Marisol said softly.
“We all give up and we get mad at God, but he understands we’re just humans. I could have walked away, but I think I would have regretted it.” Josh said soothingly.
“I regretted it, but the problem is once you walk away it’s hard to find your way back. That’s the way Satan works. He sneaks in and by the time you realize it, it’s too late. I didn’t just get mad, I got bitter. Do you remember when I had to have surgery when you first came to work with us? I had to have my one ovary taken out?” Marisol asked.
“Yeah, I remember.” Josh said.
“Well, about 5 years ago, around the time you left I got sick. It started with back pain that was so bad that I didn’t even want to move and then I started cramping. I thought I had a kidney stone and Dr. Lowery sent me for a CT. It came back that I had a tumor on my other ovary. They ran cancer markers on me and my ovarian cancer screening came back high and Dr. Lowery wasn’t happy with the results. He wanted to take it out because it was a mixed complexity tumor. He gave me a choice and basically told me that we could watch it for a couple of months or we could take it out now. After the first time around, I just wanted whatever it was taken out. I didn’t want to wait 6 months and do a repeat test. I was stubborn and just the thought about what was in me. Well I thought that I would handle everything like I did with the first surgery.” Marisol held her head down as she spoke.
“I remember. You handled the first surgery with a lot of bravery and you recovered really quickly. I remember you coming back after 2 weeks.” Josh said.
“Yeah, well this time I wasn’t so brave and I didn’t recover quickly. It took 8 weeks to recover and then I only came back part-time. Dr. Lowery was going to try and do everything he could to save everything else, so that I could at least carry a child if I tried for artificial insemination. When he got in there the endometriosis was so bad he had to take everything. When I woke up he told me he was sorry, but there wasn’t anything he could do. Josh, I never wanted kids - but I wasn’t really a woman anymore either. At least the first time around, I only had the one ovary taken out and I still felt like a woman.” Marisol said softly.