by A. M. Wray
My room was relatively bare. It had a mini-fridge, which was great, but it had nothing inside. I decided that I’d probably have to go to the store and grab a few things to make the coming days bearable. Groceries would have to wait, however. Before heading to the store, I drove around the town. There was a baseball stadium, which delighted me to no end. I made a mental note to look it up and see if there would be any games that week. There was a zoo nearby, another plus, and several amazing restaurants. Outback was definitely on the list. It seemed that the town had no shortage of fun things that I could do to bide time while she was away at work. There also wasn’t a shortage of things that I could take her to go do as a way to break the ice. I wondered if she had a boyfriend or if she’d started dating. That could certainly be awkward.
I put myself in his place for a minute. Some strange man hanging around and pledging his loyalty to my girl? Offering to do whatever she needed and always checking on her…
Suddenly, I wasn’t sure about how I’d feel about that, if I were in his shoes. I also began to rethink my approach. The entire thing was becoming very stressful. All the things that I wanted to do seemed totally natural right after the fact, but worrying about a boyfriend factor made me see it differently. I sighed. One of my worst traits was that either I didn’t think enough, or I thought too much. This was certainly one of those times.
Desiree
When I got home that evening, I was met with salad, homemade bread sticks, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. My belly growled as soon as I smelled the seasoned chicken that Elizabeth had made for the salads. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have her around. I loved to cook, but she definitely had me beat. She was like your favorite grandma. She couldn’t stand for anyone to be hungry. She’d kill me if I ever made that comparison out loud.
Upon my arrival, a few very important things happened. One, I found that my door had been fixed. Jax had purchased an entirely new door – and frame – and had fixed the entire thing. Aside from needing painted, it was perfect. He really was a handy guy to have around. The second thing that I noticed was a worried look on Elizabeth’s face as she finished getting everything put together. There was something different about her, but I couldn’t place it. She just seemed different. I silently hoped that everything between her and Jax were okay as I noticed the third thing: that both of them went out of their way to keep their distance from one another in the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Yeah!” Elizabeth said a bit too quickly.
“Absolutely,” Jax said. “The keys to the new door are on the counter.”
“Thank you,” I said with a smile. I stood, staring. My focus moving from one of them to the other. “Seriously… Something’s going on. What’s up?”
Elizabeth turned and held a bag of croutons up. “Do you want croutons?”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m not eating anything until you tell me why both of you are acting so strangely.”
She sighed. “Okay. Have a seat.”
“It’s bad enough to take a seat for?” I asked, my eyes wide. “Are both of you okay? You’re not splitting up are you? No one is sick, right? No one else died?”
“No, no,” Jax said. “Everything is just fine.”
His smile went a long way to reassure me.
“Okay,” I said, sitting down.
Elizabeth came over and sat a salad plate in front of me before sitting in front of me. She leaned forward and took hold of my hands. There was a brief reassuring smile and then she opened her mouth to speak. I was immediately stunned to silence. I’m sure the room was full of awkward silence as my brain processed the myriad of emotions and thoughts running through. It took a moment, but I finally managed to speak.
“I don’t believe it,” I said, staring at Elizabeth with a cautious smile on my face. Somehow, I found myself worried her statement would be followed up with a ‘just kidding!’ and a loud laugh. I decided to make sure what she said was reality. “Are you serious?”
There was a look of overshadowed excitement on her face, but it was reined in by her will to hold it back. I assumed that she was worried about me, like always.
“Yes,” she said, her voice shaking a bit. “I’m serious.”
My smile broadened as I jumped forward, pulling her into a hug.
“I don’t believe it!” I said again. “I’m so happy for you guys!”
I was so excited for them, but a very small, dark part of me felt a pang of jealousy. I’d seen both of them that morning, but it was painfully obvious to me then that I hadn’t really seen Elizabeth. The slight swell in her belly was undeniable to me, especially at that moment. She’d worn a fashionable loose-fitting shirt, so I hadn’t really noticed the bump, but it was impossible for me not to see it anymore.
“How far along are you?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“At first we were waiting for the first three months to pass. That is the most crucial time and if anything happened, I knew you would be just as devastated. Then, it was so close to the anniversary of… well, you know. I didn’t want to put too much on you. I bought a few shirts that hid my belly. I’m only twenty-two weeks along, so I can still hide it if I try. I wanted to tell you after everything was over.”
“I love you,” I said. “I would never be upset by this. A baby… This is the best news that I could have hoped for! Here I was thinking that you and Jax were going through something terrible. This is the best news ever!”
Elizabeth smiled, her caution leaving and allowing that beautiful motherly glow to shine like a beacon. She was stunning. Motherhood would certainly be good to her. She’s always been rather motherly, even to me. I couldn’t imagine a baby affecting her in any other way.
Somehow, among all the news, I found that my empty heart felt fuller. There was happiness and hope where only loneliness and loss had been before. I suddenly remembered what it was like to have a family, not just a husband. It was true that I never had a child, but I’d always had the hope of one, until Caleb died. Having a woman that I’d gotten so close to sitting in front of me with a new life blossoming inside of her made me yearn to have that chance for myself. It was as though a switch flipped inside of me.
It was time to move forward.
It was time to celebrate the love and happiness of my old life and end my mourning. Most importantly, it was time for me to build a new life. It was strange how a simple bit of news could completely break me free. Sure, that night, when I went to bed alone I would more than likely be sad and would probably lose myself as I missed having my husband next to me. But I knew that I was finally awake and able to see a way to get out of bed in the morning. I wanted to put my life on a road that would one day, whether it be a few months or a few years from then, allow me to have a family again. I knew right where I’d start.
“I think we need to go shopping,” I said, a big smile spreading across my face.
“What?” Elizabeth asked. “Shopping?”
I nodded. “Yes! We're going to eat first, since you went to all the trouble to make all this and then we are going to go shopping. I have some things I’d like to buy my baby niece or nephew.”
“You’re cousins,” she said. “But it’s a little boy.”
I squealed a little. “Yay! You already know? That’s wonderful! Now I know what to get! And we technically aren’t even related anymore. So, I can call myself whatever I want. Cousin isn’t cutting it with baby boy. I like 'Aunt Desi.'”
Elizabeth laughed. “Okay then. 'Aunt Desi,' it is.”
We chatted a little bit longer as we started picking through our lunch. It took a little longer to eat than I planned, but given our fun new topic, I was perfectly content. Once we'd finished, I loaded the dishwasher while they got their jackets. It was adorable to watch Jax fawn over her. He wouldn’t allow her to lift anything. He even put her jacket on for her. He was a dream. I could never have imagined someone so perfect comi
ng into her life.
For years, I was terrified that she would end up pregnant with Kevin's baby, or that he would ask her to marry him and she'd say, 'yes'. He was terrible for her. Caleb hated him with everything he had. He always said how afraid he was that Kevin, her incredibly abusive ex, would hit her and he’d have to go down there and take care of him. Caleb would have been overjoyed to help her get rid of him, but it had been Jax instead. He’d been a blessing to Elizabeth. It seemed that they’d both been a blessing to me. For the first time in a long time, I was excited to see what the future held for me.
Chapter Five
Desiree
Shopping was far more fun than even I expected it to be. Elizabeth and Jax were cracking me up. We played around in the baby section for quite a while and we had far too much money in the carts. I stress “carts.” There were three. We hadn’t left yet and still needed more things: a few groceries, toiletries for multiple people, and whatever else we could think of on our way. It was a trip that was meant for fun, not for calculating money. Though that kind of trip was completely irresponsible, it’s good to have those occasionally. It’s amazing what it can do for a person’s mood.
There had been a large sum of money sitting in the bank for a long time. I couldn’t touch it because of the reason why it was there. My husband’s life insurance. Shopping for a new baby, however, and just having an overall good time seemed like a wonderful way to spend it. Caleb would have been proud of all of us.
Watching Jax hold little onesies up in hopes that Elizabeth would approve was precious. He threw all kinds of things in the cart and couldn’t seem to stop himself. They said they hadn’t begun shopping yet because they wanted to wait until further in the pregnancy. When I told them that I planned to pay for all of it, they wouldn’t allow it. I wasn’t surprised, so I had other plans.
I’d been taking photos of everything that they said they liked, but didn’t want to get right then. Including the bed, changing table, and paint colors. They were leaning toward an aqua blue and light gray for the colors, which I thought looked great. It wouldn’t take much for ol’ Auntie Desiree to break in and paint a nursery for the new little addition.
We were having so much fun heading up to the front of the store that I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking. Whenever a good conversation is to be had, I lose all track of everything else.
“Do you remember that time when Caleb got drunk and stole that guy’s goat?” Elizabeth asked, cracking up laughing.
I barked out a rather loud laugh, one that echoed down the aisles. I remembered it very well. I couldn’t get him under control. It was a friend’s party and he’d gotten wasted – too wasted. I’d forgotten all about it until then.
“Yes!” I said. “Oh, my God. That was terrible. He drank so much. I still have no idea where he got the leash from.”
“I know!” Elizabeth laughed again. We were both almost in tears. Jax seemed to be enjoying the stories, too.
“He put a leash on a goat?” Jax asked.
“Yes!” I said. I turned around, walking backwards as I spoke. “He dove over the electric fence. He landed flat on his face.”
“The sound he made when he landed, though,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll never forget it.”
I laughed again. “Me neither. He got back up and promptly fell, like, three more times, but he pulled a neon pink and green leash out of his jacket pocket. It was maybe forty degrees outside. He broke into the barn and put a leash on it and walked it back to the fence. The goat was not happy, but he went with it.”
“Did he get the goat over the fence?” Jax asked.
I nodded, still walking backwards, checking over my shoulder ever once in a while.
“He did! He kept calling for me. He was so drunk he could hardly say my name. He handed it to me over the fence and then he dove over again. The sound he made that time was pretty similar to the first time. I remember laughing so hard at him that I fell to my knees, goat and all. It was hilarious! That night Elizabeth and I returned the goat safely back to the barn. Only we used the gate. You know, like a normal person would do.”
About that time my heel hit an empty pallet that I hadn’t spotted while looking over my shoulder. That was all it took for me to fall totally backwards. I’m sure it was hilarious watching me flail about as I stumbled backwards, but lucky for me, I didn’t actually hit the ground.
“Whoa. That floor probably won’t feel very good on your behind.”
Strong arms were wrapped around me, helping me stand. I turned to thank him, only I was very quickly stunned to silence. It was Staff Sergeant Aiden Walsh. I’d only met him a couple of times during my marriage, but the one that I remembered most was the last time that I saw him. He’d made an incredible speech at Caleb’s funeral, but I hadn’t seen him since. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him, so many things that I wanted to know, but he had vanished.
He stared at me a moment, his eyes locked on mine and his jaw slightly open.
“Hi,” he said finally. “Are you okay?”
“Uh, yeah,” I replied, straightening myself and my clothes. “Thanks for the rescue.”
I was both happy and sad to see him. With everything that I wanted to know, I had hope that I could talk to him about it now, but there was quite a bit of irritation that he could just disappear like that after the funeral. Caleb loved him like a brother. I kind of expected him to behave the way Elizabeth had done. She lingered for days in an attempt to try to help me get things back together. Instead, he just left. I remember wondering to myself just how good of friends they actually were, though I still find it noble the way he stood guard at the head of Caleb’s casket for hours before it was carried out for him to be finally laid to rest.
“No problem,” he said. “Funny running into you.”
“It’s not that funny. I live here,” I said, my voice coming off a bit harsher than what I’d meant for it to. “Well… not here… at the store. In town, though. I live in town.”
I sounded like an idiot.
“Anyway,” I continued. “I’m from here. You aren’t. So, if anything, it’s funny seeing you here.” I paused for a moment, watching him fight back a small smile. “What are you doing here?”
“Actually, I came to see you,” he said. “It’s been a year and I wanted to see how you’d been. I’d planned this completely different, but I suppose fate had another plan.”
“Yeah. I guess so,” I said flatly. “I’m actually not sure how I feel about this right now. What exactly did you have planned?”
“I wanted to get some things and get settled into my hotel before coming to see you in the morning. I figured that we could catch up. Maybe I could take you to lunch.”
“Okay,” I said. “I don’t know about the lunch bit, but you can come by in the morning. This is a bit of a surprise. I’m not sure if I want to be excited to see you or if I want to yell at you for leaving like you did after the funeral.”
He sighed, lowering his head a bit.
“I know. I completely deserve that. I promise that I will explain everything in the morning when you’ve had time to adjust and feel a bit more comfortable. I have a lot of explaining to do. More than you know, actually,” he said.
“Give me your number,” Elizabeth said, stepping forward to do what she’d always done: save me. “We are staying with her this week. I’ll let you know when you can come by. If you don’t have the address, I’ll text it to you.”
He looked at me once more before giving a small smile to Elizabeth.
“Thank you,” he said. “I’d appreciate that.”
They exchanged numbers and I walked away. I wasn’t exactly sure what was said, but I just couldn’t be near him anymore at that moment. I refused to allow myself to sink back to the pit I’d been happily free from for most of the day. I decided that I would sort this out by morning and put it to rest. I would meet with him, we would talk, and I would ask my questions. Plus, I wanted to know why h
e was there. Guilt, perhaps. I wasn’t quite certain, but I figured I’d find out in the morning.
Chapter Six
Desiree
By the time we got home, everything had returned to it’s former joy. Once Elizabeth and Jax were inside and happily looking through their things, I started some homemade hot chocolate and put in an order for the new bed and a few larger items that they wanted so badly. I would pick up the paint much later when she started talking about building the nursery. I didn’t want them to worry about anything. They had plenty of money, but so did I and I wanted to spend it on something that made everyone happy. When I returned to the excited couple in the living room fawning over the little books, clothes, and toys they’d picked out together, I saw them share a sweet kiss before carrying on again.
Elizabeth looked up and saw me watching them from the archway between the kitchen and living room. There was a loving smile on my face, but I felt the tug. I wanted that for myself one day. It was so amazing to me. I’d completely forgotten how beautiful life could be. She would never know just how grateful to her that I was for helping me see that again.
“Can we talk?” she asked me.
“Sure,” I said. “I’m making some homemade hot chocolate. You can come and have some. He looks like he’s very happy where he is.”
“Oh, I am,” Jax said. His eyes met mine and a large smile spread across his face.
“Stop being disgusting,” I said with a laugh.
“Hey,” he said. “I can’t help it. I love babies. This one just happens to be extra special. You know… because it’s mine.”
Elizabeth laughed and rolled her eyes. “Let’s go before he says anything else that he thinks is hilarious.”