by A. M. Wray
“I love my mother,” I said, looking around. “While I was sequestered away at her house, she recruited a couple of my friends and they came in here to clean up. She didn’t tell me what that entailed, but it looks like they did a great job.”
The floor was perfect. It looked like a normal basement. The concrete floor had been painted and the walls had been drywalled and painted. It looked like a great start to what Caleb and I had wanted to do for quite some time. We wanted to finish it out and put a man cave down there. The furniture had all been removed, leaving the area to feel wide open and empty, yet still somehow comfortable.
I took another deep breath. “This isn’t so bad.”
“How are you feeling?” Jax asked.
I nodded. “Good, actually. I’m surprised, but I’m feeling pretty good. I was terrified that it would still look like a horror show down here, though I knew my mom had come through here. I knew she wouldn’t have left any sign of what happened. Still… I couldn’t help but be afraid. I should have done this a long time ago.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. You weren’t ready. Being down here before you were could have forced you to see things you didn’t want to, memories that you couldn’t handle. Now, it’s a different story. You see new flooring and pretty walls. If you want, I bet I’d have time to build you an actual floor in here to finish it out completely before we leave. It wouldn’t take much. I’d probably need some help, but I’ve done it before.”
“I can help.”
I turned to see Aiden staring out into the room. His expression was unreadable as he scanned the room. I’d told him the story of how Caleb died. He knew that was where it happened. He knew the importance of changing the room.
“You have only been out of the hospital for two days,” I said. “You’re not helping anyone with anything like this.”
“Sure I can. I can’t swing a hammer, but I can measure the boards and cut them. I’m ambidextrous. I can easily use my left hand for the circular saw,” he said.
“What he’s wanting to do isn’t all that physically demanding,” Jax said. “I won’t let him lift anything and I’ll make him sit out if he starts hurting. Promise.”
I couldn’t understand Jax’s need to build things and Aiden’s excitement to help me, even at his own expense. I walked over to Aiden and looked up at him. Brief shock ran through me as his eyes met mine. I didn’t expect him make eye contact at all.
“You better not hurt yourself. Do you understand me? If you do, I’ll rat you out to Doctor Anderson.”
His brows furrowed a bit before a small smile spread across his lips. “I promise.”
“Good. I guess have fun, then. It’s not like I’d have been able to stop the two of you anyway. I’m going to go shopping and get some things together. I was going to have breakfast and do laundry first, but both of those can wait. If Elizabeth wakes up, let me know. If I’m still out then I’ll swing by and pick her up.”
The boys agreed and almost immediately ignored my presence as they hashed out a plan to finish the basement flooring. It was going to take far more than two people in the length of time they had to do it. The party was in three days and the following day Jax and Elizabeth would have to return home. Though we wanted to, we all couldn’t hang out together forever. I just hoped they didn’t hurry themselves and Aiden get hurt again in the process. It was far too early for him to be doing anything like that, but I knew there would be no stopping him. He and Jax were quite a bit alike in that way.
Chapter Eleven
Aiden
The next two days were spent in the basement. I honestly couldn’t tell you how badly it hurt to work as hard as I had been, but I managed. I took extra NSAIDs to keep from taking more narcotics. I didn’t like pain meds at all, but the pain was unbearable if I missed one. I kept to my word and didn’t lift anything or even use a drill. I stuck to measuring, cutting, and holding things in place while Jax did all of the drilling. The frame for the floor was finished after day one thanks to Desiree’s mother, Lana. Elizabeth had called her and told her what was going on and she came right over to help.
I was grateful for the work as it kept distance between Desiree and me. Every look she gave me brought new pain. I kept thinking that things would go back to normal once the week was over, but it wouldn’t. She and I would stay in touch and I would still hear her voice. I’d still hear her laugh. She’d probably still gripe at me for something or other if I wasn’t taking good care of myself. I couldn’t get her out of my head.
Distance. Distance was the answer.
That wasn’t the only reason that I volunteered to help with the new floor. I wanted to see her happy. I knew what happened down there. A new coat of paint was great, but I wanted her to be able to walk down there without seeing a single thing that reminded her of his death. A brand-new floor with brand new carpet would feel much homier. I only wanted her happiness. It terrified me, but I cared a lot about her.
While the thought killed me, I hoped that a miracle would happen and some guy would catch her attention. I wanted her to be happy, but I knew that wouldn’t be with me. I’d never had a stable relationship in my life because of the military. More than that, how in the hell could I betray my best friend like that? There I was, standing in the very room he died in and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kiss his wife. His widow. How badly I wanted to tell her that I thought she was amazing and wanted to be with her. It was driving me insane. The push and pull, the guilt of it all, but the pleasure of thinking of her.
“Hey, man,” Jax said, pulling me out of my head. “You okay?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I’m good.”
His eyes narrowed. “Something’s eating at you. What is it?”
Should I? Shouldn’t I? The back and forth of needing to speak, but being afraid to was making my chest hurt even worse.
“Speak,” Jax said. “Say something, anything. You look like you’re about to have a stroke, man. You feeling okay?”
I sighed. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “No. I’m not.”
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“More than I can keep straight, at the moment. My biggest concern, however, is that I’m the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met.”
Jax laughed. “I think you and I are talking about two completely different people. You’re not a piece of shit. Not in the least. Why do you think that?”
I paused. I couldn’t say it. Not out loud. My brows furrowed as the need to speak became unbearable, but I fought through it. After a few moments, Jax’s face reflected realization.
“Oooh,” he said, his eyes drifting upward. “It’s Desi, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “I don’t know what happened. I’ve heard hundreds of stories about that girl. I’ve always known she was amazing, but I’d only seen her in person a couple of times. You can register that a woman is beautiful and a great wife without thinking anymore about it. That’s what I’d always done. I’d always seen her as nothing more than a friend, but I can’t see her like that anymore. I seriously have no idea what happened. I don’t know how I let myself care about my best friend’s girl.”
“Do you love her?” Jax asked.
Wow. That was a big one.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s the closest thing I’ve ever felt to it. If it isn’t, then I don’t know what is. I’ve never had that bond with anyone before. I’ve cared quite a bit for girls that I was with. I’ve never been an asshole. I’ve never been one to use women to get what I wanted, but that didn’t change the fact that my relationships were always basic at best. All I know is that I can’t stand to look her in the eye. I can’t stand to be around her. I keep wanting to say something, but I know it’s wrong.”
“Do you honestly think that Caleb would have wanted both of you to be miserable?”
“No,” I said. “But I doubt he’d want my screwing his wife, either.”
Jax laughed. “You’re looking at this from all the wrong ang
les. If you wanted to use her, then you are a dick. If you only want to get her in bed, then you don’t deserve her. As far as I’m concerned, you can leave right now. Fuck your oath, fuck all that because you’re only going to hurt her. Is that the case?”
My eyes widened. It stung that he’d thought and said that, but she was family to him. She was his to protect until someone worthy came along. I’d only asked to share the responsibility. I couldn’t blame him for being so blunt. It kinda made me like him even more.
“No. It hurts to even think of doing something like that to her,” I said.
“Then you have more than a crush,” he replied. “I can’t tell you that you’re in love with her because I don’t know. Girls will sit around and be silly about that crap all day, but I’m being realistic. What I can tell you, is that you care about her more than anyone else you’ve been with. If you don’t want to see her hurt, then you have no reason to worry about what Caleb would have thought. I don’t mean any disrespect, but he is gone. His widow has been left behind to deal with that loss for a year now. If you’re the right guy for her, why make her go date a bunch of scumbags only to make her miss her late husband even more when she gets cheated on or worse? You are a good and honorable man. You took a bullet to protect us. You might not have jumped in front of it, but you damn well knew that was the risk of what you were doing. I know you’d protect her. If you love her, then you are the right man for her. You’ll take care of her no matter what. You owe it to yourself to find out how she feels. Just be patient about it.”
“We haven’t even spent that much time together, certainly not alone. We’ve had a few late-night conversations at the kitchen table, but nothing major. I don’t understand what is pulling me so hard in her direction. I highly doubt she feels the same,” I said.
“You feel that way because she is an amazing person. You’ve never had any kind of real family before. It makes sense that you feel comfort with her and don’t want to lose it. Don’t look so much into it. We can’t analyze the way we feel every step of the way. Hell, Elizabeth did that and we nearly let each other go. It took me getting wasted ass drunk and showing up on her doorstep in the cold rain. Don’t sit and think too much, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. Just talk to her.”
His words inspired hope in me. As we talked more about it, I found myself opening up even more. It felt good to get that off my chest and out in the open. I wanted to tell her, but I had to wait. It needed to be after the party and not before. What terrible timing that was.
There was also the matter of telling her the biggest thing I’d kept locked away. If I were her, I had no idea if I’d be able to forgive me. For over a year I’d had an email that Caleb had sent to me. It had been sitting in my inbox, unopened, for that long. It was sent the day that he died, but I didn’t get it until it was too late. It was the biggest reason why I felt the guilt that I did.
Caleb had died in a much different way than what he’d always worried about. He worried that he’d die in combat. In such a case, I was to be the one to tell her. Then, I was to be the one to comfort her and to stay by her side and make sure that everything was okay until she’d moved on. Until she dismissed me.
The day that he died, he sent me an email that explained to me exactly what was happening and that he expected me to live up to the promises that I’d made him. He assured me that she’d need me for what was about to come. He said that I should stay close for as long as I could, but not to lose touch when I couldn’t.
But that wasn’t all…
There was a second email sent. It was directly to her. He sent it to me because he wanted to ensure that I’d go to her. He wanted to make absolutely certain that I’d have to see her. That I’d have to hand it to her myself. What he didn’t take into consideration was my intense fear of everything he’d asked me to do. I hadn’t either until it was upon me, or I’d never have made the promise. I’d have been honest with him and told him that I couldn’t be that man.
A year later, I was determined to right the wrongs that I’d made. In the process of doing so, however, I’d made more. I’d fallen for his girl. Things had grown to be very complicated. I decided that I would tell her how I felt first, so I could make sure to come clean about everything, whether she found that to be a blessing or an act of betrayal, and then I’d tell her the rest. The possibility was very real that she may throw me out of her life completely. If she did, I’d take it as a sign that we truly weren’t meant to be together. I’d hate myself forever, but I’d do anything she asked of me, even if that meant never looking upon that beautiful face again.
Chapter Twelve
Desiree
The day had come. It was time for me to have the party that would both allow me to say goodbye to Caleb and officially start my new life. It was bittersweet, but I was ready. We invited thirty of our closest friends and relatives and Elizabeth and I had stayed up late making snacks and desserts. I sent Elizabeth to bed around midnight, but Aiden had actually come to keep me company.
He said that he wasn’t a great cook, but he certainly did well with directions. If he stuck around, I might just teach him a thing or two. He’d been working very hard with Jax to build the floor in the basement and they’d done such a good job. I couldn’t imagine how much it physically pained him to do so, but he did it anyway.
Aiden was a man of sacrifice. He would do anything to ensure the happiness of the ones that he cared about. I recalled the way he smiled as he mixed the bowl full of sugar, flour, salt, and cocoa. I was telling him stories about the first time that I caught Caleb trying to bake a cake, which had been a disaster, and Aiden loved it. He laughed with me as we shared funny stories about the time each of us spent with Caleb. Every story was brand new, because we’d never truly hung out together as a group.
As the cake sat in the oven, alongside the lemon merengue pie, we sat at the table and talked about the things that we wanted to do with our lives.
“I want to go back to college,” he’d said. “I want to do something with kids. I think it would do me some good to be around innocence and pure hearts after all the shit I’ve seen.”
I laughed. “Well, you’ll have to clean that mouth of yours up first.”
He smiled. “What about you? What does Desiree want to do with her life?”
I thought for a moment. It had been a while since I’d been asked that question. There were more than enough times when I’d thought about it, but I hadn’t really spoken aloud concerning my plans.”
“I have so many ideas,” I said. “I think I’d like to go back into crisis counseling. I got out of it for quite a while, but I think I’m ready to go back. I also think I want to go back to school. Oddly enough, I think that I want to change my career. It probably doesn’t sound like it from my first statement, but I have a lot of passions. I love to learn. I think I’d like to go into teaching. I love kids, too. More than anything, I want a family. It’s taken a whole year to see that, but really, it was only this past week. Elizabeth. The baby. Jax. The baseball field and all that happened there. This entire week has been nothing but my life flashing before my eyes. We don’t have forever and I don’t want to wait any longer than I have to.”
Aiden’s brows furrowed as he studied my face. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking.
“You will be a wonderful mother,” he said. “And any man would be lucky to have you. More than lucky. He’d be blessed.”
My breath caught for a moment. That was incredibly sweet of him to say. We were interrupted by the timer going off.
“Meringue is done,” I said.
We went to the stove and I grabbed the potholders, but I wasn’t paying attention. There had been too much on my mind at that moment. My right index finger wasn’t completely covered by the cloth. I cried out from the pain, but managed to safely remove the pie by lifting that finger from the pan. Though I’d been quick to do so, I hadn’t been fast enough.
When I sat the pie down, I examined my f
inger. It had already started to blister. Aiden gently grabbed hold of my hand, pulling it to him as he looked it over. He brought me to the sink and turned the water on in a steady, but gentle cold flow.
“I’ll be right back. Keep it here,” he said. “It should help with the blistering.”
I nodded and did as I was told. A few moments later he came back and turned the water off and lifted my hand again. He put a cream on it before bandaging it. His hands were surprisingly gentle given what he was capable of. When he was finished, he placed a kiss on the bandaged finger before letting me go.
“Good as new,” he said. “Well, minus the pain. I hope the burn cream helps, though.”
I stood there, staring at him, amazed by him. He was a very attractive man and very sweet. He would make someone very happy one day. As I thought about that again, a twinge of jealousy struck me. Suddenly the thought of him with someone else seemed intolerable to me. His mouth fell slightly open, his lips only barely parted. It was then that I noticed just how closed we were standing.
“I should get to bed,” he’d said at random. “I have to help Jax really early in the morning.”
I shook my head, trying to bring myself back around.
“Yeah!” I said. “Of course! No problem. Thanks for baking with me. Oh, and thanks for the first aid as well.”
His hand reached out, nearly brushing my face, but he stopped, pulling it back before giving an uneasy smile. “Not a problem at all, Desiree.”
“Desi,” I said. “You can call me Desi.”
He nodded once before nearly bolting out of the room. What the hell had even happened? It was going great up until that moment. Maybe I’d overstepped. I couldn’t be certain, but it certainly had me up a lot of the night thinking about it and even at that moment as I lazed about in my bed. I sighed and got up before my alarm could go off. I only had a couple more minutes anyway. I gathered my clothes, towel, and washcloth before heading into the bathroom.