by A. M. Wray
“I know,” I said. “If I’d checked my email when I’d gotten them, maybe we could have saved him. I’ve been over that a thousand times.”
“I’ve seen this a lot, you know,” she said. “If he wanted to go, he was going to go. We stood a chance of saving him, but I have realized that there was a damn good chance that no matter what we did, even if you did check your email in time, that he still would have died. I’ve let that go. Though it took an entire YEAR TO DO IT!” She shouted that last part. “Apparently, because I didn’t get the official suicide letter. What did it say, Aiden?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “It wasn’t for me. I never read it. I couldn’t bring myself to, especially after I left town. I couldn’t bear to see it knowing that I’d abandoned you and betrayed him. Had I known I’d have twisted that knife further, today mostly, then I’d have just swallowed the pain and got it over with. I was a coward and I’m sorry.”
“What the hell were you so afraid of?” she asked. “You had nothing to fear. I forgave you for leaving after the funeral. This would have been right along with it. I’d have hated you a bit longer, but I would have gotten over it after I realized that mistake was connected to the first one and you were there to make things better. Instead, you’ve been staying with us for days while I nurse you, feed you, welcome you into our family, even give myself to you, and all while you’re sitting on the Grand Canyon of all key pieces of information. What were you afraid of?”
“I was terrified of losing you!” I shouted. “I love you, Desiree. I felt terrible about it and I still do, but I can’t help it! I’ve never felt what a real family was like. You showed me that and I couldn’t bear to lose that amazing feeling. You showed me a life I never dreamed of having.”
“And now you have,” she said.
It was simple. Straight to the point. Brutal.
“Please,” I said. “Please let me…”
“No,” she said. “There is no making this up. He trusted you. He trusted you with his life, with his wife, with his last requests, and this is what you did with that trust. Hell, look what you did with mine. You are no longer welcome in my life and certainly not in my family. Aiden Walsh, I never want you to darken my doorstep again. I will never forgive you for this.”
I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I simply reached into my pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. On it was written my email address and password. In that email was a folder dedicated to Caleb. I’d always saved all his emails. I figured that one day I could print them, wrap them, and give them to he and Desiree as an anniversary gift or to his kids one day. They were always full of love for his wife and their little life together. I wanted her, and any potential children that they may have together, to know that they were all he ever thought about. I no longer had any need for all those. All that was left in that email was meant for Desi anyway. It was only fair that she have it. Not only the personalized letter that he’d meant for her to see, but all the wonderful things that he never meant for her to see, but that would hopefully bring her a bit more peace.
“Goodbye, Desiree. I will never forget everything you’ve taught me in the very brief time that we’ve spent together. Though we haven’t been around one another very much, I’ve admired you for years. I meant what I said. I will always be there if you need me. I wish you the best and I pray that you find someone that is worthy of you that can give you everything you deserve, including all the beautiful little babies you want.”
With that, I turned and walked away. I wasn’t about to ask for a ride back to the house. I would take a cab or walk. I didn’t care. I’d just lost the only good thing I’d ever truly had in my life aside from a great friendship. I lost my chance at a real life. All I could hope for was that I didn’t just rob her of hers.
Chapter Fourteen
Desiree
When I got home that night I sat at the computer and stared at the small piece of paper in my hand. I had never been so angry. I felt so betrayed. It was hard to say if some of that was due to us having been intimate with one another that morning. In fact, I was pretty sure that a lot of it was. Still… Even though I was the one that started it, and he did try to stop it, he knew what he was hiding and he could have been more forceful. There was also the option of him blurting it out right there in the bathroom. I’d have been pissed, but at least respected the man for putting me and my feelings above sex. It might have taken a few days, but I’d have forgiven him. Instead, he chose the path that he did and betrayed me further.
Opening Aiden’s email was… Well, there wasn’t a word for it. As I sat there looking at the empty inbox, I peered over to see a folder marked “Martin.” It said that there were hundreds in there. Not only one or two. I opened them and was rushed with memories. They talked back and forth and I saw firsthand why Caleb used to joke and say “Walsh probably knows you better than Lizzy at this point.” Even Aiden had said something similar, that he felt like he’d known me for years, not only days. It was obvious why.
Those emails contained intimate details of our marriage and of me. Everything from sweet things that he wanted to do for me, my plans for college or work, the frustration that he felt about not being able to give me what I wanted – meaning a baby… There was so much. Aiden always responded kindly and gave him surprisingly great advice for someone that had no idea what family really was.
Due to the sensitive nature of the emails, it took me nearly three months to get through all of them and I felt terrible for having been so harsh to Aiden. He’d always been a best friend to Caleb, a real one. There was no question about that, but he’d made some pretty bad mistakes. I certainly hadn’t completely forgiven him, but he certainly didn’t deserve the amount of hate that I threw at him that day. There was no way that I could force myself to look at him or talk to him after that. I couldn’t take back the terrible things that I said.
There were only two emails left. I’d saved them for last. When I found the others, I wanted to read them all. I wanted to read every incoming email from Caleb and every outgoing email that Aiden responded with. I wanted a timeline of his life, the side of him that I didn’t see. What I got was a wonderful look into what Caleb really thought and said about me. I truly was a lucky woman. Not many women could say the worst thing their husband ever said about them behind their back was that she was being “difficult” about something and that it was pissing him off. That was it. The worst. No complaints about me or our marriage, only a situation that may have arisen.
Toward the end, the emails started to get a bit darker. Nothing extreme. Had I been the recipient, I couldn’t guarantee that I’d have seen his suicide coming from them. He was only having a rough time coping with some things. I was finally able to see some of the details of what he’d seen and had to do over there that caused him so much pain and it allowed me to understand.
I quickly read through the email that he’d addressed for Aiden and Aiden was spot on about what it entailed. Directions about how to take care of me and what he needed to do with the following email. I closed it and saw the final one, dark black lettering where it had never been opened. I clicked it and tears immediately filled my eyes.
My Love,
I have loved you from the moment that I saw you. Everything about you amazes me every day. How I was the one that was lucky enough to wake up to you every day, I’ll never know. You didn’t know it, but I woke up early every morning. It was a habit from being in the military all those years. I’d wake up at 5 AM every morning, even with my alarm set for 5:30. Not too early, but enough to allow me the peace to think.
Sometimes I’d worry, especially later on when my mind became dark and untamable. I’d stare at the ceiling and worry about money or work. Whatever it was, that was when I’d worry most. Did you know that you make the most adorable noises in your sleep? I never told you because I didn’t want you to be self-conscious about them, but you do. Sometimes, you’d adjust yourself in bed during those moments when I was filled w
ith worry and your skin would touch mine. It never failed. Every time we touched, you’d give off the tiniest little moan or sigh. That always made me feel like you loved and trusted me so completely that even in your deepest sleep you could recognize the feel of me against you.
You have no idea how much peace you brought me over the years. I’ve never met anyone like you in all the places I’ve been and there have been quite a few. Stunningly beautiful, sexy, powerful, and so very smart. You have a fire and life in you that I always loved. It has brought me so much joy to see it and watch it grow in our time together.
My only regret is that we never had babies. You would have been such a beautiful mother. I always wondered what it would be like to come home to you feeding or playing with our little boy or girl. You deserve that. You deserve a family. You deserve more than what I can give you.
I’m so sorry, baby. I have tried so hard. These last few months I’ve done everything in my power to get out of this. I prayed to God that it would work, but something is broken in me. Therapy can’t fix it, you can’t fix it, even I can’t fix it. Please read that again. Baby girl, we couldn’t fix it. It’s nothing you’ve done. You have been magic to me. You have done all you can and more! I’m just… shattered.
The last few months I tried my best to force myself to see a better life. I saw it and I loved it. I loved the smile on your face and how much fun you were having. I knew that if I couldn’t chase my own darkness away that I’d at least be able to have a few months to create wonderful memories with you instead of leaving you to remember only the bad ones. It seemed to work. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so happy. I’m so sorry for the sadness that is about to come.
I will never be able to make up to you the pain I’ve caused. I certainly won’t be able to make up to you the pain that I’m about to cause, but it has to end. The darkness won’t fade. It’s only getting worse. I want you to know that I loved you more than anything on this earth and I will continue to love you more than anything in Heaven. I hope God understands and he lets me in. That is my biggest fear now. That you will live a full life and one day, hopefully sixty or more years from now, pass on. That you will go to Heaven and I won’t be there. I won’t ever be able to look into your face again. Pray for me. I don’t deserve your prayers, but if you can forgive me, maybe God can, too.
I want you to listen to me now. Listen closely. You will blame yourself, but you are not at fault. There is nothing you could have done. You were the only light that I had in my life. You will go into darkness of your own. Don’t let it hold you. I made the mistake of doing that. Don’t ever let it grab you and you can get away. Don’t shut people out. That’s the most important one. Don’t let your fear and sadness push others away.
You won’t want to trust people for a while and I understand that, but you can’t let it be a way of life. You can’t let yourself suffer because of me. You have an entire life to live. That life will be full of smiles, fun, parties, and yes, Desiree Martin, another man. I am well aware that you will not stay a single woman forever. You should be aware of it, too. You should know that that is exactly how it’s SUPPOSED TO BE! You will move on and find someone that makes you smile. Makes you feel passion again. Makes you want to go out and do and try new things. You will find someone that helps you heal. When you do, don’t let that go. Don’t push someone away if they come along.
Trust someone. Have a new best friend. Get married. Have babies! Oh, please, please, please have babies. Lots of them. The world would forever be a terrible place without more of you in it.
I love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know. That’s why I’m sending insurance for you. I want to make sure you’re taken care of. I want to make sure that you make it through this. Aiden Walsh will be coming. Give him a chance. You’ve always known he was my best friend, but you’re not going to want to give anyone an honest chance for a while. Let him help you. He can be a pretty good friend. He’s saved me more than a time or two. Talk to him. Just don’t shut anyone out.
I’ll love you forever, Desi. Hopefully you’ll see me again in Heaven one day several decades from now. Until then, I’ll be watching over you.
Goodbye, baby.
Love, Caleb
My entire body was covered in goosebumps and chills were running rampant through me. That was far more than even I expected. I knew he never wanted me to suffer, but to read it firsthand was something else entirely. God, I loved that man. I always would.
I wiped tears away from my face and took a deep breath before closing the email. I’d saved everything and backed it all up. I couldn’t lose those. They were too precious to me. My stomach felt queasy and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Luckily, I’d made it to the toilet in time. I threw up a couple more times before my stomach settled. I felt awful, but I knew it was nerves. That was quite a goodbye. It only further settled my mind. I was starting to think that maybe it actually had been a better thing to wait. Had I read that directly after, I’d have been a bigger mess, but it was possible that I could have healed sooner. It was hard to say exactly what would have happened.
My phone rang and I pulled it from my pocket. It was Jax.
“Hey! What’s up?” I asked.
“You need to get down here as quickly and as safely as you can,” he said.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my nerves still on edge.
“Elizabeth is in the hospital. She’s in labor. They’re still trying to stop it, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to work. She said that she wants you down here.”
I heard a loud “NOW!” yelled in the background. It was definitely Elizabeth.
“Yes!” I said. “I’ll be right there! It’ll take about six hours, but I’ll be there. Tell her to hold on as long as possible.”
I hung up the phone and began rushing around the house to gather my things. She was about thirty-five weeks along at that point, if I’d done my math correctly. She wasn’t quite ready to deliver, but she certainly wasn’t far off.
Just before I left the house, another random wave of nausea hit me. I threw up in my yard that time. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t be sick. Not that day. I got in the car and found an empty bag that I sat in the passenger side in case I needed to get sick again. I started thinking back to everything that I’d eaten over the past few days. There hadn’t been anything suspicious, but I guess that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
I put my seatbelt on and winced as my hand brushed my left breast. I touched it again, massaging it a bit only to find that I had a lot of tenderness. I touched my right breast then and discovered that it was just as sore. My mind began racing at that moment. I thought back and realized that I hadn’t had a period in over two months. I’d been so obsessed with the emails that I didn’t even notice. I’d lost track of it.
My stomach wanted to roll again, but I managed to keep from throwing up. I started the car and drove. There was no question in my mind. It somehow all fit into place and it seemed impossible for it to be anything else. I decided that I needed to make a little pit stop at some point. I needed to get a pregnancy test.
Chapter Fifteen
Desiree
The maternity floor was quite busy when I got there. I stopped at the nurses’ station and they were ready for me.
“You have to hurry!” one of them said. “She’s pushing right now!”
We ran down the hallway to Elizabeth’s room. When I ran in, I saw Jax on her right side holding her leg and a nurse on the left holding that leg. I saw everything else she had as well. Still no baby. I’d made it just in time.
“You made it!” Elizabeth said. “I didn’t think you would!”
I smiled. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world! But, if I’m to be completely honest, I was starting to get a bit worried myself.”
“You can come stand here,” the nurse holding her leg said. “When she has a contraction, hold on to her. It will help her bear down.”
I d
id as I was told. Elizabeth looked beautiful. Sweaty and pale, but beautiful. I could not have been happier for her. She was about to meet her brand new baby.
“Aiden is here,” Elizabeth whispered.
I looked over and saw him sitting in a chair against the wall. I’d been so focused on her that I didn’t even see him. I wanted to ask why he was there, but another contraction started. It was better to wait anyway.
The minutes ticked away and Elizabeth grew more and more fatigued. A hard contraction hit and she pushed with all she had. We heard the sweetest words ever.
“I can see the head!” the doctor said.
I looked down to see a tiny little head full of hair crowning.
“I can see him!” I said. “It looks like he has Daddy’s dark hair.”
“I’m burning up!” Elizabeth said.
Without hesitation Aiden made his way over to the sink and put cold water on a cloth before coming to stand next to me. He placed it on her forehead and gently wiped her face and neck with it. Elizabeth sighed in relief just before another contraction hit. Over and over, she pushed through the pain. After several more minutes, his little shoulders cleared and he was pulled free. Within moments he was screaming and I certainly wanted to. There was so much crying. The baby was crying. Elizabeth was crying. I was crying. And not one, but both of the boys were crying.
Aiden’s jaw had fallen open as he watched the nurses clean the little guy up. Aiden watched them use suction to clear his nose and throat, all while that tiny little thing screamed, and as they wiped him down, removing the fluid and blood from him before wrapping him in a blanket.
“He’s so small,” Aiden said.