Michelle Rene
Danielle’s Inferno
2nd Edition
First published by Michelle Rene 2015
Copyright © 2015 by Michelle Rene
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
Second edition
ISBN: 978-1-64871-493-1
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Contents
1. Schrodinger Capital
2. Limbo
3. Lust
4. Gluttony
5. Greed
6. Anger
7. Heresy
8. Violence
9. Fraud
10. Treachery
11. Poof
About the Author
1
Schrodinger Capital
When I woke up, I was dead. At least, it very much appeared that way.
I looked past my kidney-shaped desk and ergonomic office chair, and there laid a body that could only be described as me. The dark black hair I had just shampooed that morning was strewn over my face. I spotted that trifecta of grey hairs I never could color fully next to my ear. Plus, the blue pencil skirt I bought on sale at the Nordstrom’s Rack outlet was bunched around my knees. Kind of a dead giveaway.
“Oh God, my first after-life pun,” I said aloud.
Of course, no one turned to respond to me. My boss, the oh-so-sweet geeky guy with the desk adjacent to mine, and the first responder paramedics didn’t so much as look my way. My blouse was ripped open as they worked on my body, and one of my breasts had popped out of the miracle bra. My nipple looked around like an unblinking, brown eye on too much coffee.
I winced and regretted that no one had shooed the men away yet. The bobbing areola waggled this way and that. Out of my peripheral vision, I spotted several coworkers snapping pictures. Sighing, I covered my eyes in embarrassment.
“Yeah, this might take a while,” said a small voice next to my feet.
I looked down to find a Siamese cat sitting with its tail wrapped around its feet. Its posture was one aloof elegance. The cat gazed up at me with blue eyes and an expression that seemed a little annoyed. She looked the way all cats looked most of the time, like they were infinitely exacerbated with everyone.
“You can see me?” I asked.
“A talking cat just approached the specter of your dying soul, and you ask if I can see you?”
I paused a moment. It seemed like a legitimate question when no one else noticed my ghostly presence, so I stuck with it.
“Well, yes.”
“I’m looking at you, aren’t I?” the cat asked.
I nodded, confused.
“Then I can see you, moron.”
My face screwed into a frown. Not only did this mystery cat’s voice sound like a female, but she sounded like a real bitch. Everything was getting just a tad too surreal, but I still found room in my mind to be pissed off.
“Okay, then what are you? Some ghost cat because I’m obviously dead,” I said in a tone that matched her own.
“Yeah, okay, not to get too technical, but you’re mostly dead, Danielle,” she said with a lazy flip of her tail.
“Then what are you, and why are you here?”
The cat yawned and stretched in a fluid motion of disregard. She shut her eyes and scratched the back of one ear with a sudden obsessive need. Just as sudden as the need came, it went, and she turned her blue gaze back up to mine.
“I’m here because I’m like your spirit animal or something.”
“You are my spirit animal?” I asked.
“Yeah sure, why not?”
If a cat could shrug, she did. I crossed my arms over my chest, but she didn’t flinch. After pausing to check in to see how the paramedics were doing with my body, I turned back to the cat. This was all too weird, and I didn’t know how to feel.
“Are you here to take me to Heaven? Is there a Heaven?” I asked.
“My Lord, who are you and who are your parents? Were you born in a barn and then raised by Shetland ponies? A talking cat says they are your spirit animal and all manners run out the door? I have a name you know. Care to ask what it is?”
The cat stuck a leg out and started gnawing on her toe. She smacked and chewed on each toe in turn. I winced a little with every chomp. I couldn’t help it. The stench of cat breath wafted up to my nose.
“Sorry. What is your name?” I asked.
“G-g-guddin’,” said the cat with her mouth full of toe.
“Pardon?”
The Siamese spit out a bit of toenail and sneezed. She licked her lips and rubbed her nose with her paw.
“Pudding.”
I stared at her for a moment without knowing what to say. My face must have been a mask of disbelief. Hers remained unchanged from general feline scorn. Why was it that cats always seemed just tad annoyed by everyone else’s existence in the world?
“You are telling me that my afterlife spirit animal is a bitchy Siamese cat named Pudding?”
Pudding appeared unmoved. The sarcasm and insult rolled off her back.
“Hey, don’t blame me. I am merely the physical manifestation of your own psychic energy. Seems to me that makes you the indifferent bitch.”
I sighed and nodded. My whole being was tired of this craziness. I was ready to surrender.
“Okay, psychic manifestation, Pudding the cat, what’s next? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?”
The cat scoffed and rolled her eyes.
“Neither, if it wasn’t obvious. Like I said before, you are only mostly dead. It is up to you to decide what happens afterwards. I am just a guide.”
“We are losing her,” called someone next to us.
The two paramedics began working more feverishly than before. I frowned at the stillness of my mostly dead body. Was I about to be completely dead? Was I really going to die on the cheap carpet of Schrodinger Capital?
“Looks like I don’t have much time,” I said softly.
Pudding sniffed and with the ease and agility of her species, she rubbed herself along the arms of the paramedics while stepping over my body. Everything began to hum. The cat moved throughout the office, unnoticed by the masses. Every being that Pudding touched slowed to a crawl. Vibrations infected our tableau as it all slowed to a stop. Pudding worked her way to the others, and they too froze in time. Nothing stirred but us. Not even the clocks continued to tick. The world as I had known it wobbled in stillness.
“There. Now we have plenty of time,” she said.
“How did you do that?”
“It’s just the way things are. Best not to ask. Your primitive mind won’t get it. Now, come on. We have to get going.”
Pudding walked over to me and nudged me to turn.
“What do you mean? Where are we going?” I asked.
“You have to decide. We have to go now.”
I turned to see a bright, swirling light at my feet. It was blinding and inviting at the same time. I felt like I ought to turn away from it for fear of the damage it might do to my retinas, but there was no looking away. It was just beautiful.
There was a sudden sense of dropping, like when you’re at an amusement park and the roller coasters dips. We were fallin
g in a bright tunnel. Just when I felt my stomach lurched into my throat, the sensation ended, and a floor was again beneath my feet.
2
Limbo
The first thing I noticed was a deep sense of nothing. There were no smells, no real sounds, no wind. Everything was still the way a vacuum would be still. I opened my eyes to the world around me. It was no longer the interior of my office building. No paramedics worked tirelessly on my body nearby. No coworkers were around to ogle my tits. This place was barren, desolate and grey.
Pudding sidled up to me, tail curling around her paws. She nudged my foot with one of her paws.
“Looks fun, huh?”
There were a few rocks, but nothing more in the way of landscape. Possibly a few dismal trees in the distance, but it was hard to tell. Yet, things moved here. They were slow, but they moved soundlessly about us. People drifted about us. At least, these used to be people. They shuffled aimlessly, looking for something they didn’t find.
“Where are we?” I asked.
“Limbo,” she said offhandedly.
I wasn’t afraid exactly, but I didn’t feel safe either. Part of me wanted to bolt and the other just wanted to sleep. How was I supposed to reconcile those two things? A person can’t bum rush a nap.
“Limbo? I thought Limbo would be less…I don’t know…sad.”
“Limbo is where you go when you are undecided. People that were never great or terrible in life. They roam this place, infinitely searching for the love that might send them up. If you never inspired much love or hate, you are here.”
“I thought you said I was undecided,” I said, suddenly terrified the little cat was going to leave me.
“No, I said you were mostly dead. Pay attention, Danny.”
I rolled my eyes. The fear instantly vanished, and I was annoyed with myself for ever allowing it in the first place with such a little jerk of a cat.
“Don’t call me that,” I said.
“What? Danny?” she asked with another flip of the tail.
“Yes, I hate that name.”
Pudding shifted and stretched. She blinked up at me several times.
“Alright Danny, let’s get going.”
I huffed and looked at her angrily. Pudding didn’t seem to care. She walked away from me with an aloof saunter. I followed because…well, what else was I going to do?
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To look for the next portal, duh.”
“Portal?”
Pudding turned and glared at me.
“Look, I get you aren’t used to this afterlife stuff, but please try to keep up. I don’t have time to babysit.”
She started walking across the wasteland of Limbo, and I followed her. It wasn’t a terrible view. It had nice parts in the way a desert could still look pretty. The longer we roamed, the more I saw outcroppings of trees and even some houses. They weren’t mansions, but neither were they shacks. We passed one that appeared to be a small, single story house with grey siting. There was a chimney and a covered carport instead of a garage. A smattering of cheap folding chairs littered the yard.
“It’s so…”
“Mediocre,” Pudding said, finishing the thought for me. “That’s Limbo. Everything is just on this side of okay. Middle of the road. It’s a D-student’s wet dream.”
We passed hopeless looking people who stared at us for mere moments before they wandered further. They all wore grey clothes, torn and desperate looking. Not so ratty they looked homeless. Just enough to where you knew they didn’t buy those jeans pre-distressed.
I spotted a nice-looking woman wandering around aimlessly, just like everyone else. The only difference was she kept making eye contact with me. Her brief, but intense, stare made me pause. She went back to looking among the rocks and plants with her gray blue dress falling limply around her. Something compelled me to her.
“Oh don’t, Danny…seriously. Don’t talk to them.”
“Don’t call me Danny and why not?”
“Limbo people are sooooooo annoying,” she said in the voice of an overly emotional teenager.
I ignored her and approached the woman. I tried a little wave, but the Limbo woman didn’t seem to notice me. It wasn’t until I gently rested my hand on her shoulder that she turned around. Touching her was disconcerting. Her skin was neither cool nor hot. It didn’t feel real.
“Hi! How are you?” she asked, whipping around to face me.
“Hi. Um Ma’am? Is there something you’re looking for?” I asked.
“What? Yes, I think so. Maybe…I don’t know,” she said.
“Oh God, here we go,” said Pudding.
“You don’t know if you lost something?” I asked.
“I could have sworn it was right here,” she said with a spaced look on her face.
Her hands started roaming around blindly again. The woman was starting to drift away from me, but I touched her hand, and she returned.
“What was right here? Maybe we can help,” I asked.
“Was something here?” she asked.
“I though you were looking for something here.”
“You were looking for something here?” she asked.
“Who’s on first?” Pudding said snarkily.
“Pudding, you aren’t helping. Ma’am, are you okay?” I asked.
She bent down and moved some twigs away from a nearby rock. With a delicate hand, she lifted the stone and put it back down again. When she stood back up to face me, she looked surprised. A wide, vapid grin spread across her face.
“Oh hi! How are you?”
“We’ve already been over this. Don’t you remember me?” I asked.
“Yes. Maybe? It was right here, I thought.”
“Are we done here yet, Danny? I mean, if you want to keep talking to this hamster, I could cough up something and shape it into a hamster for you. You’d get farther,” Pudding said.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked.
We drifted away from the aimless woman. She didn’t notice we left. Just went right back to looking under rocks. The woman popped to attention when another person drifted near, but there was no conversation.
“All Limbo people are like that. They just kind of float around not really feeling bad or good, not really making any sense. They’re morons. Just barely a notch higher than Burning Man hippies. I tried to tell you. Now, come on,” Pudding said.
We walked past a two people. They reached out for each other and grabbed hands. Then, as soon as they gazed into on another’s eyes, they let go, seemingly confused as to why they held hands in the first place. I watched them repeat the same cycle three times.
“See,” said Pudding. “Hamster people.”
“More like goldfish people,” I said. “Isn’t that what they say? Goldfish only have like an eight second memory, or something like that?”
“How am I supposed to know? I eat them before they can tell me,” she said.
“I’m not really going to end up here, am I?”
“For the love all that’s unholy, Danny, what did I tell you when we first started? This is going to be the longest day if you don’t start pulling your weight. I can’t hold your hand. I mean that literally. No opposable thumbs,” Pudding said.
Just for good measure, she held up both paws to prove her point. Somehow, she managed to extend the two middle claws up higher than the others. I’d never been flipped off by a cat. Maybe regular cats couldn’t pull it off. Pudding, however, gave me both barrels as I starred her down.
“Oh really,” I shouted to her. “What else do you have to do that’s so important?”
Pudding didn’t say anything at first. In a flash, she turned away from me. I followed her as she made for an empty area of dirt with a hurried pace.
“Let’s just say I don’t want to spend any more time in Hell than I have to,” she said as she circled a barren piece of dirt, digging and pawing a dent in it.
“Hell? Who said anything about He
ll? I thought this was Limbo.”
She dug and clawed at the ground until there was a crude, little hole.
“You didn’t think you’d find enlightenment in Limbo, did you? Honestly Danny, I worry about your brain cells.”
The Siamese cat proceeded to squat in the hole in that half-broken looking way cats do. She made direct eye-contact with me while producing a steamy pile of feces right on the spot. I made a disgusted face and turned away.
“Oh God, do you have to do that this second?” I asked.
Then, the smell hit me. The stink was rancid and foul. Putrid was a good word. All cat shit was terrible, but this? Never before had I inhaled spoiled egg salad wrapped in a dirty diaper before. It felt like just the odor alone was burning my nostrils to inhale it. It hit me like a wall. I coughed and gagged.
“That’s disgusting! What did you eat?”
“I’m sure yours doesn’t smell like Belgian chocolate, princess. Besides, how else am I going to get us to Hell?”
I paused for a second and gave her a level look. It took all of my composure to not run screaming from the smell, but I held my ground.
“You’re telling me that the way to get to Hell is through cat shit?”
Pudding kicked a little dirt on her pile and made her way back to me. Her face was full of exacerbation. She huffed out a long sigh through her nostrils.
“Are you really that surprised?” she said.
Before I could answer, the pile in front of us began to glow and the ground around it vibrated. Within seconds we were bathed in blue and white light, and there before us, where the poop had been only seconds ago, was a swirly portal to Hell.
I could feel the heat coming from it. And there were wails too. Human, I thought. Like a million soccer moms stuck inside their hot yoga studio, begging for their coconut water.
With her head, Pudding nudge me toward the portal. I resisted at first, but the cat was stronger than she looked. When we got about foot away, the damned thing sucked us both in. Again, the sense of falling overcame me, but only for an instant. My gut landed back into place as soon as I did.
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