by Candis Terry
He still didn’t know what was so different about her from any other woman he’d met or dated. She had something undefinable that reached out and grabbed him—not only by certain body parts, but by the heart. When she’d first set foot on Wilder Ranch, she’d had a tough-chick attitude. But it hadn’t taken him long to see through that façade. She was a marshmallow. A sweet, hot, and sticky marshmallow he was dying to devour.
While the baseball discussion flew, she nibbled at her bottom lip. He could tell she wanted to fit in. He longed to tell her she didn’t have to try so hard. Most everyone gathered had already accepted her. Not just because she was the daughter of the man his mother intended to marry. Acceptance had been granted because she’d stepped outside her boundaries to go above and beyond doing the right thing when no one even asked. The girls had taken her under their wing and included her in whatever it was they were doing, whether it be canning jars of jam or whooping it up at Seven Devils. In a short time, she’d become one of them.
And that made him smile.
The only thing that currently had has hackles up was Nick Brooks’s obvious attraction. It seemed every time Jesse turned around, Nick was there getting her a towel, helping her from the pool, getting her a drink. Worse? Allison didn’t seem to mind Nick’s attention. She smiled, touched his arm, and yeah, leaned into him with a laugh like she was doing right now.
Jesse had never been a jealous kind of guy. He had no reason to be jealous now.
But the hell if he wasn’t.
So what to do? Move in like some overgrown caveman and claim his woman?
Hardly.
Because she wasn’t his woman.
Ignore it like it wasn’t happening? Fat chance. Because it was, and he didn’t like it.
He lifted his beer and took a long, thoughtful drink.
“I’d give you a penny for your thoughts,” Reno said. “But they’re pretty much written all over your face.”
“Not thinking at all. I’m just tired,” Jesse said to throw the dog off his scent. “These beers knocked me back.”
Reno clamped a brotherly hand over his shoulder. “If that’s what you’re telling yourself, then we may need to stage an intervention.”
Jesse didn’t like being read. Even if it was by someone he loved and admired. Especially when they were honing in on what had him hot and ready to explode like a heat-seeking missile. “You need another beer? I was just going to get one for myself.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No need.”
“Try and stop me.” Reno’s dimples flashed, letting Jesse know that he was the bigger brother and couldn’t be shaken.
“Shouldn’t you be spending time with your bride-to-be?”
“Yep. Plan on doing just that as soon as we get home. If she doesn’t pass out first.”
Jesse ignored the tingle at the back of his neck that said his brother was about to pull rank and give him a talking-to. Not that Reno didn’t give out great advice. Jesse just wasn’t always good about being on the receiving end. Of course, invited or not, Reno followed him over to the outdoor kitchen, where they were away from the lively conversation and the tune of Hunter Hayes singing “I Want Crazy,” to which Jesse vehemently disagreed.
“So . . . about that River of Denial you’re rowing.” Reno glanced over his shoulder at the revelers gathered around the fire pit. “I’ve seen you with women before, Jess. I’ve seen you look at women. That look”—he pointed at Jesse’s face—“is different.”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s the same face I wear every day.”
“Yeah.” Reno laughed. “I remember saying that very thing not so long ago. Doesn’t mean the look isn’t there. No matter how loudly you might disagree.”
Jesse reached into the outdoor refrigerator and shoved a fresh bottle of Shiner in Reno’s hand.
“I’m sure you remember the advice you so happily handed out to me just a few months back.” Reno paused only long enough to sip the cold beer.
“I’m sure I can’t recall.”
“Then I’d be only too happy to remind you and toss it right back in your face. Because that’s what big brothers do.” Reno grinned. “Where Allison is concerned, you’ve been throwing out ‘Back the fuck off’ signals all night. Especially to Nick.”
“You’ve got a hell of an imagination on you.” Jesse took the opportunity to step around Reno, only to have a huge hand grab him by the arm and stop him.
“Yeah, that was part of the conversation too,” Reno said. “But here’s the new part. Where the hell did you get this idea that it was up to you to make sure everyone else was happy?”
“Again. Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit.” Reno pointed the bottle of Shiner at him. “Somewhere after Jared was killed, you got it into that pretty-boy head of yours that it was your responsibility to make sure everyone was happy, settled, and on their way to a happily-ever-after.”
“Delusional. That’s you.”
“Accurate. That’s me.” Reno shook his head the way he always had when one or the other of them was too screwed up to notice they were up to their necks in a dilemma they refused to acknowledge. “Look, your efforts are appreciated, but not necessary. There isn’t a single one of us who doesn’t want to see you happy. So take a chance, will you?”
Jesse glanced away from the intensity in his brother’s dark eyes. “It’s not my turn.”
Reno stepped in front of him and grasped his shoulders. Made it impossible to look away. “What did you say?”
“Not. My. Turn.”
“What the fuck, Jess? You think we’re taking turns? At what? Finding happiness?”
Jesse could deny it all day long, but Reno had uncanny perception. He’d lived a horrifying life before he’d come into their family that made him far more insightful than anyone Jesse had ever known. Reno had always worked hard to feel like he belonged when he hadn’t needed to work at all. He was one of them. He’d completed them. And now, with Jared gone, he was the one they all looked up to. It was Reno’s turn at being happy. Jackson came next. Their mom. Then Jake.
“Yeah,” he said.
Reno’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”
Jesse shrugged. Tonight was a night of celebration, not a night of sinking into the past and dwelling on what could never be. He needed to end this conversation ASAFP.
“Why?” Reno asked again, unwilling to let it go.
“Because Jared never found his happiness.” Emotion clogged his throat. Threatened to cut off his air. “And I want to make damn sure the rest of you do.”
“Fuck.” Without another word, Reno pulled him into a bear hug. For any other man, that embrace might have been uncomfortably long. Too unmanly. But the Wilders were a demonstrative bunch. Jesse had long ago grown used to the shouting, the arguing, and the passion that dripped thick through their Texan veins. To him the hug simply said, “I care.”
When they finally parted, Reno asked again, “Why?”
Jesse glanced at the crowd, who seemed to be having the time of their lives. As a man about to be happily married to the love of his life, Reno should be smack-dab in the middle of party central, not standing here talking about something so deep and intense.
Gut clenched, he thought back to the conversation with Jared that had started his crusade. Allison had told him Jared would never want him to bear a burden that would make him miserable.
Maybe she was right.
Maybe it was time to share the burden. To let someone who’d understand know the catalyst for his concerns.
“If I tell you this, I’ll ask that you keep it to yourself until the whole thing is thought through.”
Reno shrugged. “Not an issue.”
A long sigh drifted from Jesse’s chest. “The last time Jared and I w
ere together at Camp Leatherneck, we sat outside the tents, looking up into the sky, counting stars, and shooting the shit. For whatever reason, the conversation got serious. Almost like he knew something would happen to him. During our chat he told me . . .”
“He told you what?” Reno folded his arms.
“That he’d fallen in love.” Jesse pulled air into his lungs, not sure if he should or would overstep what Jared had told him in confidence. What followed shortly after that exchange between him and Jared drowned him in pain. He glanced away. “And . . . he told me he was gay.”
Jesse jerked his gaze back to gauge Reno’s silent reaction. To his surprise, his brother’s expression remained blank.
“Jared was gay?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.” Reno ran a hand through his hair. “How did I not know that?”
“You don’t get to be the lone soldier on that. None of us knew.”
“I wonder how long he’d been hiding it.”
“Since as far back as he could remember.” Jesse recalled the relief in Jared’s eyes when he’d finally let go of the secret. “He was finally ready to tell everyone. He wasn’t ashamed. But it troubled him that he’d continued to live a lie for so long.”
“I can’t even imagine.” Reno rubbed his hand over center of his chest. “God, I wished he’d said something.”
“Me too. Then again, I guess he did. He said the last time he was home on leave, he told dad—not only that he was gay, but that he’d fallen in love with another military officer.”
“How did that go?” A worry line creased Reno’s forehead. “Obviously, Dad kept that to himself.”
“You know Dad. He didn’t care what color, religion, or sexual preference a person had. Jared was his firstborn, and he loved him like crazy. But Jared said Dad was worried about the repercussions he and the other officer might face.”
“With good reason.”
“Yeah. Dad asked Jared to keep his silence until they could discuss it further and figure out how Jared could come out with the least amount of fallout to his career and private life.”
Personally, Jesse didn’t understand why a person had to hide who they were anymore. It’s not like they were living in the dark ages. But not everyone was so accepting. Whether his big brother had fallen in love with a man, or a woman, or a damned polka-dotted squirrel didn’t matter. All Jesse had ever wanted was for Jared to be happy.
But Jared’s chance at happiness had been cut short, and their father’s grief had taken him to the grave. His broken heart had extended far beyond the loss of his firstborn child. Guilt had eaten him alive. In asking his son to keep his sexual orientation a secret—even though the request had been intended to be temporary and had come from affection and concern—he felt he’d denied his son the ultimate happiness.
Love.
Jesse shared the guilt that had sucked the life from their father. He remembered the day he’d stood alone on the hilltop at Wilder Ranch looking down at his father’s and brother’s headstones. He’d been overwhelmed with the guilt that he should have done something more to help his father heal. Instead of talking with his dad, he’d kept Jared’s secret to himself. Maybe if there had been someone to talk to, it would have eased his father’s pain and guilt. Maybe the outcome would have been different.
“So how do you feel about all that?” Jesse asked.
Reno released a slow leak of breath. “I don’t give a damn who our brother chose to love. I miss him. And Dad.” Reno glanced away. When his gaze came back around, he asked, “Did Jared tell you who?”
Jesse shook his head. “I asked. He said he wanted to keep it to himself until we met in person.” Jesse absently ran his thumb over the label on the bottle of ale. “But I can tell you when he talked about him, his whole damn face lit up like Christmas morning.”
“Fuck.”
“Amen to that.” Jesse took a long pull from the bottle of beer. “So maybe now you can understand why I feel as I do about everybody’s finding their happy place.”
“It’s not your job to see that the rest of us find personal satisfaction, little brother. It’s your job to find your own.” Reno glanced over his shoulder again. “Whether you find it today, tomorrow, or next week; with Allison, or John, Paul, George, or Ringo, none of us give a shit. We just want you to find it.”
Jesse turned his head, and his gaze landed smack-dab on the brunette sitting amongst the people he cared about the most. She smiled at something Charli said, then looked up as if she knew he was looking.
Their eyes connected, and he felt the heat and power of it right down into the center of his chest.
The people he cared about.
Like it or not, Allison currently topped that category.
Chapter 12
As a few sleepy yawns began to pass through the crowd, Allison realized she didn’t even know the time.
The party had kicked into gear early that afternoon at Abby’s house, with a fun bridal shower attended by old and young alike. The bride-to-be received everything from crocheted place mats to edible underwear. Because Allison didn’t know Charli well enough to purchase naughty lingerie, she stuck with a traditional crystal vase.
Allison had put together many bridal and baby showers, but she rarely had the privilege to attend as a guest. In fact, in the past she’d thought the events were often hokey or, as in the case of a current Seattle Mariners’ wife, trying too hard to be elegant just to raise their societal clout.
Charli’s shower had proven to be laid-back and entertaining, exactly what Allison would want should she ever fall down the rabbit hole.
Once Fiona’s delicious lemon cupcakes topped with handmade candy Gerber daisies were depleted, the golden-age group went home. The remaining attendees then took the party over the top with Jana’s freshly blended strawberry and peach margaritas. Though Charli warned everyone that Jana had a tendency to hit the drinks hard with tequila, no one flinched. Eventually, the tipsy troupe had made its way to Seven Devils for a little dancing and maybe a smidge of hell-raising.
Had Allison known Jesse would be there, she might have gone straight home. The man affected her in ways she didn’t want to acknowledge. He made her head spin until all her thoughts became a jumbled mess, and she started thinking ridiculous things like “What if” and “Maybe.” But the moment she’d strolled into the bar, and her eyes had landed on him, she couldn’t have torn herself away with the jaws of life.
From where she sat near the fire pit, she glanced across the patio to where he stood talking with Reno. A serious conversation, judging by the frown pulling his brows together. Maybe he was finally telling someone what had been bothering him. She hoped so.
On a personal note, she understood the ramifications of keeping things bottled up.
On a selfish note, she let her eyes skim over that tanned, tall, muscular body. Not for the first time that night, her body hummed with desire.
As she’d told him, he was a dangerous man. Somehow, she needed to escape the inexplicable pull toward him. Unfortunately, she was at the mercy of their designated driver to get home. And as Annie seemed engaged in a lighthearted argument with Jake, who insisted that men were more romantic-minded than women, it didn’t appear getting home soon was likely.
For a few moments, Allison tried to focus on the lively conversation and the attentions of Nick Brooks, a stunning man though far from her type. If she even had a type. But hard as she tried, she could not break her attention away from Sweet’s favorite playboy veterinarian. The only solution she could come up with to get herself back in check was to escape.
“Would you excuse me for a minute?” she said to Nick. “I need to use the little girl’s room.”
“You want me to refresh your drink?” Nick asked.
“No, thank you.” She didn’t need to encourage all thos
e loosey-goosey sensations she had floating through her veins. “I’ve probably had enough.” She headed toward the bathroom adjacent to the pool area, but the door was locked.
Having previously been in the house, she knew where the rest of the bathrooms were located, and she headed indoors. The one facility downstairs was busy too, so she headed upstairs and ended up in the master suite. Though furnished with elegant Spanish Revival furniture and an enormous bed, the bedroom was as sparse as the living room had been before she’d added the accent pieces from Jana’s treasure trove. Still, she could imagine with Jesse lying naked on that big bed, she wouldn’t care if there were pictures on the walls or knickknacks on the dresser.
The door to the massive master bath was closed but unlocked. After she’d taken care of business, she came out to wash her hands. She looked up into the mirror and gasped. No wonder Jesse had been giving her such strange looks all night. Her eyeliner and mascara had not only slipped and smudged, she looked like a rabid raccoon.
Grabbing a tissue, she scrubbed beneath her eyes until she looked less goth and somewhat human. Then, with another quick glance to the mirror, she realized how little the yellow bikini left to the imagination. She’d never been ashamed of her body, but no matter which way she tugged, she couldn’t seem to cover everything to her satisfaction. Thank God for all those hours she’d spent beneath the hair-removal laser.
As she turned to go, something grabbed her leg. A shriek slipped out. She looked down to find Jesse’s cat Rango upside down, both paws wrapped around her ankle, teeth bared. She scooped up the gray-striped feline and received an unhappy yowl in response.
“Listen you. I look bad enough. I don’t need to go back out there with tiny vampire marks on my leg thank you very much.” Rango blinked and looked away as though totally bored. She’d never been much of a cat person, and the animal’s obvious disregard didn’t help matters. Still, she pulled him close and stroked his fluffy head between his pointy ears. “So do you think we can just agree to disagree on this one?”