by T. Smollett
CHAPTER TWO
A SUPERFICIAL VIEW OF OUR HERO'S INFANCY.
Having thus bespoken the indulgence of our guests, let us now produce theparticulars of our entertainment, and speedily conduct our adventurerthrough the stage of infancy, which seldom teems with interestingincidents.
As the occupations of his mother would not conveniently permit her tosuckle this her firstborn at her own breast, and those happy ages werenow no more, in which the charge of nursing a child might be left to thenext goat or she-wolf, she resolved to improve upon the ordinances ofnature, and foster him with a juice much more energetic than the milk ofgoat, wolf, or woman; this was no other than that delicious nectar,which, as we have already hinted, she so cordially distributed from asmall cask that hung before her, depending from her shoulders by aleathern zone. Thus determined, ere he was yet twelve days old, sheenclosed him in a canvas knapsack, which being adjusted to her neck, felldown upon her back, and balanced the cargo that rested on her bosom.
There are not wanting those who affirm, that, while her double charge wascarried about in this situation, her keg was furnished with a long andslender flexible tube, which, when the child began to be clamorous, sheconveyed into his mouth, and straight he stilled himself with sucking;but this we consider as an extravagant assertion of those who mix themarvellous in all their narrations, because we cannot conceive how thetender organs of an infant could digest such a fiery beverage, whichnever fails to discompose the constitutions of the most hardy and robust.We therefore conclude that the use of this potation was more restrained,and that it was with simple element diluted into a composition adapted tohis taste and years. Be this as it will, he certainly was indulged inthe use of it to such a degree as would have effectually obstructed hisfuture fortune, had not he been happily cloyed with the repetition of thesame fare, for which he conceived the utmost detestation and abhorrence,rejecting it with loathing and disgust, like those choice spirits, who,having been crammed with religion in their childhood, renounce it intheir youth, among other absurd prejudices of education.
While he was thus dangled in a state of suspension, a German trooper wastransiently smit with the charms of his mother, who listened to hishonourable addresses, and once more received the silken bonds ofmatrimony; the ceremony having been performed as usual at the drum-head.The lady had no sooner taken possession of her new name, than shebestowed it upon her son, who was thenceforward distinguished by theappellation of Ferdinand de Fadom; nor was the husband offended at thispresumption in his wife, which he not only considered as a proof of heraffection and esteem, but also as a compliment, by which he might in timeacquire the credit of being the real father of such a hopeful child.
Notwithstanding this new engagement with a foreigner, our hero's motherstill exercised the virtues of her calling among the English troops, somuch was she biassed by that laudable partiality, which, as Horaceobserves, the natale solum generally inspires. Indeed this inclinationwas enforced by another reason, that did not fail to influence herconduct in this particular; all her knowledge of the High Dutch languageconsisted in some words of traffic absolutely necessary for the practiceof hex vocation, together with sundry oaths and terms of reproach, thatkept her customers in awe; so that, except among her own countrymen, shecould not indulge that propensity to conversation, for which she had beenremarkable from her earliest years. Nor did this instance of heraffection fail of turning to her account in the sequel. She was promotedto the office of cook to a regimental mess of officers; and, before thepeace of Utrecht, was actually in possession of a suttling-tent, pitchedfor the accommodation of the gentlemen in the army.
Meanwhile, Ferdinand improved apace in the accomplishments of infancy;his beauty was conspicuous, and his vigour so uncommon, that he waswith justice likened unto Hercules in the cradle. The friends of hisfather-in-law dandled him on their knees, while he played with theirwhiskers, and, before he was thirteen months old, taught him to suckbrandy impregnated with gunpowder, through the touch-hole of a pistol.At the same time, he was caressed by divers serjeants of the Britisharmy, who severally and in secret contemplated his qualifications with afather's pride, excited by the artful declaration with which the motherhad flattered each apart.
Soon as the war was (for her unhappily) concluded, she, as in duty bound,followed her husband into Bohemia; and his regiment being sent intogarrison at Prague, she opened a cabaret in that city, which wasfrequented by a good many guests of the Scotch and Irish nations, whowere devoted to the exercise of arms in the service of the Emperor. Itwas by this communication that the English tongue became vernacular toyoung Ferdinand, who, without such opportunity, would have been astranger to the language of his forefathers, in spite of all his mother'sloquacity and elocution; though it must be owned, for the credit of hermaternal care, that she let slip no occasion of making it familiar to hisear and conception; for, even at those intervals in which she could findno person to carry on the altercation, she used to hold forth in earnestsoliloquies upon the subject of her own situation, giving vent to manyopprobrious invectives against her husband's country, between which andOld England she drew many odious comparisons; and prayed, withoutceasing, that Europe might speedily be involved in a general war, so asthat she might have some chance of re-enjoying the pleasures andemoluments of a Flanders campaign.