by T. Smollett
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
HE OVERLOOKS THE ADVANCES OF HIS FRIENDS, AND SMARTS SEVERELY FOR HISNEGLECT.
Steeled with this cautious maxim, he guarded himself from their unitedendeavours, in sundry subsequent attacks, by which his first conjecturewas confirmed, and still came off conqueror, by virtue of hisunparalleled finesse and discretion; till at length they seemed todespair of making him their prey, and the count began to drop some hints,importing a desire of seeing him more closely united to the views andinterest of their triumvirate. But Ferdinand, who was altogetherselfish, and quite solitary in his prospects, discouraged all thoseadvances, being resolved to trade upon his own bottom only, and to avoidall such connexions with any person or society whatever; much more, witha set of raw adventurers whose talents he despised. With thesesentiments, he still maintained the dignity and reserve of his firstappearance among them, and rather enhanced than diminished that idea ofimportance which he had inspired at the beginning; because, besides hisother qualifications, they gave him credit for the address with which hekept himself superior to their united designs.
While he thus enjoyed his pre-eminence, together with the fruits of hissuccess at play, which he managed so discreetly as never to incur thereputation of an adventurer, he one day chanced to be at the ordinary,when the company was surprised by the entrance of such a figure as hadnever appeared before in that place. This was no other than a personhabited in the exact uniform of an English jockey. His leathern cap, cutbob, fustian frock, flannel waistcoat, buff breeches, hunting-boots andwhip, were sufficient of themselves to furnish out a phenomenon for theadmiration of all Paris. But these peculiarities were rendered stillmore conspicuous by the behaviour of the man who owned them. When hecrossed the threshold of the outward door, he produced such a sound fromthe smack of his whip, as equalled the explosion of an ordinary cohorn;and then broke forth into the halloo of a foxhunter, which he utteredwith all its variations, in a strain of vociferation that seemed toastonish and confound the whole assembly, to whom he introduced himselfand his spaniel, by exclaiming, in a tone something less melodious thanthe cry of mackerel or live cod, "By your leave, gentlevolks, I hopethere's no offence, in an honest plain Englishman's coming with money inhis pocket, to taste a bit of your Vrench frigasee and ragooze."
This declaration was made in such a wild, fantastical manner, that thegreatest part of the company mistook him for some savage monster ormaniac, and consulted their safety by starting up from table, and drawingtheir swords. The Englishman, seeing such a martial apparatus producedagainst him, recoiled two or three steps, saying, "Waunds! a believe thepeople are all bewitched. What, do they take me for a beast of prey? isthere nobody here that knows Sir Stentor Stile, or can speak to me in myown lingo?" He had no sooner pronounced these words, than the baronet,with marks of infinite surprise, ran towards him, crying, "Good Heaven!Sir Stentor, who expected to meet with you in Paris?" Upon which, theother eyeing him very earnestly, "Odds heartlikins!" cried he, "myneighbour, Sir Giles Squirrel, as I am a living soul!" With these wordshe flew upon him like a tiger, kissed him from ear to ear, demolished hisperiwig, and disordered the whole economy of his dress, to the no smallentertainment of the company.
Having well-nigh stifled his countryman with embraces, and besmearedhimself with pulville from head to foot, he proceeded in this manner,"Mercy upon thee, knight, thou art so transmographied, and bedaubed, andbedizened, that thou mought rob thy own mother without fear ofinformation. Look ye here now, I will be trussed, if the very bitch thatwas brought up in thy own bosom knows thee again. Hey, Sweetlips, herehussy, d--n the tuoad, dos't n't know thy old measter? Ey, ey, thoumay'st smell till Christmas, I'll be bound to be hanged, knight, if thecreature's nose an't foundered by the d----d stinking perfumes you havegot among you."
These compliments being passed, the two knights sat down by one another,and Sir Stentor being asked by his neighbour, upon what errand he hadcrossed the sea, gave him to understand, that he had come to France, inconsequence of a wager with Squire Snaffle, who had laid a thousandpounds, that he, Sir Stentor, would not travel to Paris by himself, andfor a whole month appear every day at a certain hour in the public walks,without wearing any other dress than that in which he saw him. "Thefellor has got no more stuff in his pate," continued this politestranger, "than a jackass, to think I could not find my way hither thof Icould not jabber your French lingo. Ecod! the people of this country aresharp enough to find out your meaning, when you want to spend anythingamong them; and, as for the matter of dress, bodikins! for a thousandpound, I would engage to live in the midst of them, and show myselfwithout any clothes at all. Odds heart! a true-born Englishman needs notbe ashamed to show his face, nor his backside neither, with the bestFrenchman that ever trod the ground. Thof we Englishmen don't beplaisterour doublets with gold and silver, I believe as how we have our pocketsbetter lined than most of our neighbours; and for all my bit of a fustianfrock, that cost me in all but forty shillings, I believe, between youand me, knight, I have more dust in my fob, than all those powderedsparks put together. But the worst of the matter is this; here is nosolid belly-timber in this country. One can't have a slice of delicatesirloin, or nice buttock of beef, for love nor money. A pize upon them!I could get no eatables upon the ruoad, but what they called bully, whichlooks like the flesh of Pharaoh's lean kine stewed into rags and tatters;and then their peajohn, peajohn, rabbet them! One would think every oldwoman of this kingdom hatched pigeons from her own body."
It is not to be supposed that such an original sat unobserved. TheFrench and other foreigners, who had never been in England, were struckdumb with amazement at the knight's appearance and deportment; while theEnglish guests were overwhelmed with shame and confusion, and kept a mostwary silence, for fear of being recognised by their countryman. As forour adventurer, he was inwardly transported with joy at sight of thiscuriosity. He considered him as a genuine, rich country booby, of theright English growth, fresh as imported; and his heart throbbed withrapture, when he heard Sir Stentor value himself upon the lining of hispockets. He foresaw, indeed, that the other knight would endeavour toreserve him for his own game; but he was too conscious of his ownaccomplishments to think he should find great difficulty in supersedingthe influence of Sir Giles.
Meanwhile, the new-comer was by his friend helped to some ragout, whichpleased his palate so well, that he declared he should now make a heartymeal, for the first time since he had crossed the water; and, while hisgood-humour prevailed, he drank to every individual around the table.Ferdinand seized this opportunity of insinuating himself into his favour,by saying in English, he was glad to find there was anything in Francethat was agreeable to Sir Stentor. To this compliment the knight repliedwith an air of surprise: "Waunds! I find here's another countryman ofmine in this here company. Sir, I am proud to see you with all myheart." So speaking, he thrust out his right hand across the table, andshook our hero by the fist, with such violence of civility, as provedvery grievous to a French marquis, who, in helping himself to soup, wasjostled in such a manner, as to overturn the dividing-spoon in his ownbosom. The Englishman, seeing the mischief he had produced, cried, "Nooffence, I hope," in a tone of vociferation, which the marquis in allprobability misconstrued; for he began to model his features into a verysublime and peremptory look, when Fathom interpreted the apology, and atthe same time informed Sir Stentor, that although he himself had not thehonour of being an Englishman, he had always entertained a mostparticular veneration for the country, and learned the language inconsequence of that esteem.
"Blood!" answered the knight, "I think myself the more obliged to you foryour kind opinion, than if you was my countryman in good earnest. Forthere be abundance of we English--no offence, Sir Giles--that seem to beashamed of their own nation, and leave their homes to come and spendtheir fortunes abroad, among a parcel of--you understand me, sir--a wordto the wise, as the saying is."--Here he was interrupted by an article ofthe second course, that seemed
to give him great disturbance. This was aroasted leveret, very strong of the fumet, which happened to be placeddirectly under his nose. His sense of smelling was no sooner encounteredby the effluvia of this delicious fare, than he started up from table,exclaiming, "Odd's my liver! here's a piece of carrion, that I would notoffer to e'er a hound in my kennel; 'tis enough to make any Christianvomit both gut and gall"; and indeed by the wry faces he made while heran to the door, his stomach seemed ready to justify this last assertion.
The abbe, who concluded, from these symptoms of disgust, that the leveretwas not sufficiently stale, began to exhibit marks of discontent, anddesired that it might be brought to the other end of the table for hisexamination. He accordingly hung over it with the most greedy appetite,feasting his nostrils with the steams of animal putrefaction; and atlength declared that the morceau was passable, though he owned it wouldhave been highly perfect, had it been kept another week. Nevertheless,mouths were not wanting to discuss it, insipid as it was; for in threeminutes there was not a vestige to be seen of that which had offended theorgans of Sir Stentor, who now resumed his place, and did justice to thedessert. But what he seemed to relish better than any other part of theentertainment, was the conversation of our adventurer, whom, afterdinner, he begged to have the honour of treating with a dish of coffee,to the seeming mortification of his brother knight, over which Fathomexulted in his own heart.
In short, our hero, by his affability and engaging deportment,immediately gained possession of Sir Stentor's good graces, insomuch,that he desired to crack a bottle with him in the evening, and theyrepaired to an auberge, whither his fellow-knight accompanied him, notwithout manifest signs of reluctance. There the stranger gave a loose tojollity; though at first he d---ed the burgundy as a poor thin liquor,that ran through him in a twinkling, and, instead of warming, cooled hisheart and bowels. However, it insensibly seemed to give the lie to hisimputation; for his spirits rose to a more elevated pitch of mirth andgood-fellowship; he sung, or rather roared, the Early Horn, so as toalarm the whole neighbourhood, and began to slabber his companions with amost bear-like affection. Yet whatever haste he made to the goal ofebriety, he was distanced by his brother baronet, who from the beginningof the party had made little other use of his mouth than to receive theglass, and now sunk down upon the floor, in a state of temporaryannihilation.
He was immediately carried to bed by the direction of Ferdinand, who nowsaw himself in a manner possessor of that mine to which he had made sucheager and artful advances. That he might, therefore, carry on theapproaches in the same cautious manner, he gradually shook off thetrammels of sobriety, gave a loose to that spirit of freedom which goodliquor commonly inspires, and, in the familiarity of drunkenness, ownedhimself head of a noble family of Poland, from which he had been obligedto absent himself on account of an affair of honour, not yet compromised.
Having made this confession, and laid strong injunctions of secrecy uponSir Stentor, his countenance seemed to acquire from every succeedingglass a new symptom of intoxication. They renewed their embraces,swore eternal friendship from that day, and swallowed fresh bumpers, tillboth being in all appearance quite overpowered, they began to yawn inconcert, and even nod in their chairs. The knight seemed to resent theattacks of slumber, as so many impertinent attempts to interrupt theirentertainment; he cursed his own propensity to sleep, imputing it to thed---ed French climate, and proposed to engage in some pastime that wouldkeep them awake. "Odd's flesh!" cried the Briton, "when I'm at home, Idefy all the devils in hell to fasten my eyelids together, if so be asI'm otherwise inclined. For there's mother and sister Nan, and brotherNumps and I, continue to divert ourselves at all-fours, brag, cribbage,tetotum, husslecap, and chuck-varthing, and, thof I say it, that shouldn't say it, I won't turn my back to e'er a he in England, at any of thesepastimes. And so, Count, if you are so disposed, I am your man, that is,in the way of friendship, at which of these you shall please to pitchupon."
To this proposal Fathom replied, he was quite ignorant of all the gameshe had mentioned; but, in order to amuse Sir Stentor, he would play withhim at lansquenet, for a trifle, as he had laid it down for a maxim, torisk nothing considerable at play. "Waunds!" answered the knight, "Ihope you don't think I come here in quest of money. Thank God! I have agood landed estate worth five thousand a year, and owe no man ahalfpenny; and I question whether there be many counts in your nation--nooffence, I hope--that can say a bolder word. As for your lambskin net, Iknow nothing of the matter; but I will toss up with you for a guinea,cross or pile, as the saying is; or, if there's such a thing in thiscountry as a box and dice, I love to hear the bones rattle sometimes."
Fathom found some difficulty in concealing his joy at the mention of thislast amusement, which had been one of his chief studies, and in which hehad made such progress, that he could calculate all the chances with theutmost exactness and certainty. However, he made shift to containhimself within due bounds, and, with seeming indifference, consented topass away an hour at hazard, provided the implements could be procured.Accordingly, the landlord was consulted, and their desire gratified; thedice were produced, and the table resounded with the effects of theirmutual eagerness. Fortune, at first, declared for the Englishman, whowas permitted by our adventurer to win twenty broad pieces; and he was soelated with his success, as to accompany every lucky throw with a loudburst of laughter, and other savage and simple manifestations ofexcessive joy, exclaiming, in a tone something less sweet than thebellowing of a bull, "Now for the main, Count,--odd! here they come--hereare the seven black stars, i'faith. Come along, my yellow boys--odd'sheart! I never liked the face of Lewis before."
Fathom drew happy presages from these boyish raptures, and, after havingindulged them for some time, began to avail himself of his arithmetic, inconsequence of which the knight was obliged to refund the greatest partof his winning. Then he altered his note, and became as intemperate inhis chagrin, as he had been before immoderate in his mirth. He cursedhimself and his whole generation, d---ed his bad luck, stamped with hisfeet upon the floor, and challenged Ferdinand to double stakes. This wasa very welcome proposal to our hero, who found Sir Stentor just such asubject as he had long desired to encounter with; the more the Englishmanlaid, the more he lost, and Fathom took care to inflame his passions, bycertain well-timed sarcasms upon his want of judgment, till at length hebecame quite outrageous, swore the dice were false, and threw them out atthe window; pulled off his periwig, and committed it to the flames, spokewith the most rancorous contempt of his adversary's skill, insisted uponhis having stripped many a better man, for all he was a Count, andthreatening that, before they parted, he should not only look like aPole, but also smell like a pole-cat.
This was a spirit which our adventurer industriously kept up, observingthat the English were dupes to all the world; and that, in point ofgenius and address, they were no more than noisy braggadocios. In short,another pair of dice was procured, the stakes were again raised, and,after several vicissitudes, fortune declared so much in favour of theknight, that Fathom lost all the money in his pocket, amounting to apretty considerable sum. By this time he was warmed into uncommoneagerness and impatience; being equally piqued at the success andprovoking exultations of his antagonist, whom he now invited to hislodgings, in order to decide the contest. Sir Stentor complied with thisrequest; the dispute was renewed with various success, till, towardsdaylight, Ferdinand saw this noisy, raw, inexperienced simpleton, carryoff all his ready cash, together with his jewels, and almost everythingthat was valuable about his person; and, to crown the whole, the victorat parting told him with a most intolerable sneer, that as soon as theCount should receive another remittance from Poland, he would give himhis revenge.