by T. Smollett
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
HE BY ACCIDENT ENCOUNTERS HIS OLD FRIEND, WITH WHOM HE HOLDS ACONFERENCE, AND RENEWS A TREATY.
Our hero, having thus provided himself with a proper subject for hishours of dalliance, thought it was now high time to study the groundwhich he had pitched upon for the scene of his exploits, and with thatview made several excursions to different parts of the town, where therewas aught of entertainment or instruction to be found. Yet he always, onthese occasions, appeared in an obscure ordinary dress, in order to avoidsingularity, and never went twice to the same coffee-house, that hisperson might not be afterwards known, in case he should shine forth tothe public in a superior sphere. On his return from one of thoseexpeditions, while he was passing through Ludgate, his eyes were suddenlyencountered by the apparition of his old friend the Tyrolese, who,perceiving himself fairly caught in the toil, made a virtue of necessity,and, running up to our adventurer with an aspect of eagerness and joy,clasped him in his arms, as some dear friend, whom he had casually foundafter a most tedious and disagreeable separation.
Fathom, whose genius never failed him in such emergencies, far fromreceiving these advances with the threats and reproaches which the otherhad deserved at his hands, returned the salute with equal warmth, and wasreally overjoyed at meeting with a person who might one way or other makeamends for the perfidy of his former conduct. The Tyrolese, whose namewas Ratchcali, pleased with his reception, proposed they should adjournto the next tavern, in which they had no sooner taken possession of anapartment, than he addressed himself to his old companion in thesewords:--
"Mr. Fathom, by your frank and obliging manner of treating a man who hathdone you wrong, I am more and more confirmed in my opinion of yoursagacity, which I have often considered with admiration; I will nottherefore attempt to make an apology for my conduct at our last parting;but only assure you that this meeting may turn out to our mutualadvantage, if we now re-enter into an unreserved union, the ties of whichwe will soon find it our interest and inclination to preserve. For myown part, as my judgment is ripened by experience, so are my sentimentschanged since our last association. I have seen many a rich harvestlost, for want of a fellow-labourer in the vineyard; and I have more thanonce fallen a sacrifice to a combination, which I could have resistedwith the help of one able auxiliary. Indeed, I might prove what I allegeby mathematical demonstration; and I believe nobody will pretend to deny,that two heads are better than one, in all cases that require discernmentand deliberation."
Ferdinand could not help owning the sanity of his observations, andforthwith acquiesced in his proposal of the new alliance; desiring toknow the character in which he acted on the English stage, and the schemehe would offer for their mutual emolument. At the same time he resolvedwithin himself to keep such a strict eye over his future actions, aswould frustrate any design he might hereafter harbour, of repeating theprank he had so successfully played upon him, in their journey from thebanks of the Rhine.
"Having quitted you at Bar-le-duc," resumed the Tyrolese, "I travelledwithout ceasing, until I arrived at Frankfort upon the Maine, where Iassumed the character of a French chevalier, and struck some masterlystrokes, which you yourself would not have deemed unworthy of yourinvention; and my success was the more agreeable, as my operations werechiefly carried on against the enemies of our religion. But myprosperity was not of long duration. Seeing they could not foil me at myown weapons, they formed a damned conspiracy, by which I not only lostall the fruits of my industry, but likewise ran the most imminent hazardof my life. I had ordered some of those jewels which I had borrowed ofmy good friend Fathom to be new set in a fashionable taste, and soonafter had an opportunity to sell one of these, at a great advantage, toone of the fraternity, who offered an extraordinary price for the stone,on purpose to effect my ruin. In less than four-and-twenty hours afterthis bargain, I was arrested by the officers of justice upon the oath ofthe purchaser, who undertook to prove me guilty of a fraud, in selling aSaxon pebble for a real diamond; and this accusation was actually true;for the change had been artfully put upon me by the jeweller, who washimself engaged in the conspiracy.
"Had my conscience been clear of any other impeachment, perhaps I shouldhave rested my cause upon the equity and protection of the law; but Iforesaw that the trial would introduce an inquiry, to which I was not atall ambitious of submitting, and therefore was fain to compromise theaffair, at the price of almost my whole fortune. Yet this accommodationwas not made so secretly, but that my character was blasted, and mycredit overthrown; so that I was fain to relinquish my occasionalequipage, and hire myself as journeyman to a lapidary, an employmentwhich I had exercised in my youth. In this obscure station, I labouredwith great assiduity, until I made myself perfect in the knowledge ofstones, as well as in the different methods of setting them off to thebest advantage; and having, by dint of industry and address, gotpossession of a small parcel, set out for this kingdom, in which Ihappily arrived about four months ago; and surely England is the paradiseof artists of our profession.
"One would imagine that nature had created the inhabitants for thesupport and enjoyment of adventurers like you and me. Not that theseislanders open the arms of hospitality to all foreigners withoutdistinction. On the contrary, they inherit from their fathers anunreasonable prejudice against all nations under the sun; and when anEnglishman happens to quarrel with a stranger, the first term of reproachhe uses is the name of his antagonist's country, characterised by someopprobrious epithet, such as a chattering Frenchman, an Italian ape, aGerman hog, and a beastly Dutchman; nay, their national prepossession ismaintained even against those people with whom they are united under thesame laws and government; for nothing is more common than to hear themexclaim against their fellow-subjects, in the expressions of a beggarlyScot, and an impudent Irish bog-trotter. Yet this very prejudice willnever fail to turn to the account of every stranger possessed of ordinarytalents; for he will always find opportunities of conversing with them incoffee-houses and places of public resort, in spite of their professedreserve, which, by the bye, is so extraordinary, that I know some peoplewho have lived twenty years in the same house without exchanging one wordwith their next-door neighbours; yet, provided he can talk sensibly, andpreserve the deportment of a sober gentleman, in those occasionalconversations, his behaviour will be the more remarkably pleasing, as itwill agreeably disappoint the expectation of the person who hadentertained notions to his prejudice. When a foreigner has once crossedthis bar, which perpetually occurs, he sails without further difficultyinto the harbour of an Englishman's goodwill; for the pique is neitherpersonal nor rancorous, but rather contemptuous and national; so that,while he despises a people in the lump, an individual of that verycommunity may be one of his chief favourites.
"The English are in general upright and honest, therefore unsuspectingand credulous. They are too much engrossed with their own business topry into the conduct of their neighbours, and too indifferent, in pointof disposition, to interest themselves in what they conceive to beforeign to their own concerns. They are wealthy and mercantile, ofconsequence liberal and adventurous, and so well disposed to take a man'sown word for his importance, that they suffer themselves to be preyedupon by such a bungling set of impostors, as would starve for lack ofaddress in any other country under the sun. This being a true sketch ofthe British character, so far as I have been able to observe and learn,you will easily comprehend the profits that may be extracted from it, byvirtue of those arts by which you so eminently excel;--the great, theunbounded prospect lies before me! Indeed, I look upon this opulentkingdom as a wide and fertile common, on which we adventurers may rangefor prey, without let or molestation. For so jealous are the natives oftheir liberties, that they will not bear the restraint of necessarypolice, and an able artist may enrich himself with their spoils, withoutrunning any risk of attracting the magistrate, or incurring the leastpenalty of the law.
"In a word, this metropolis is a vast masquerade, in which
a man ofstratagem may wear a thousand different disguises, without danger ofdetection. There is a variety of shapes in which we the knights ofindustry make our appearance in London. One glides into a nobleman'shouse in the capacity of a valet-de-chambre, and in a few months leadsthe whole family by the nose. Another exhibits himself to the public, asan empiric or operator for the teeth; and by dint of assurance andaffidavits, bearing testimony to wonderful cures that never wereperformed, whirls himself into his chariot, and lays the town undercontribution. A third professes the composition of music, as well as theperformance, and by means of a few capriciosos on the violin, properlyintroduced, wriggles himself into the management of private and publicconcerts. And a fourth breaks forth at once in all the splendour of agay equipage, under the title and denomination of a foreign count. Notto mention those inferior projectors, who assume the characters ofdancers, fencing-masters, and French ushers, or, by renouncing theirreligion, seek to obtain a provision for life.
"Either of these parts will turn to the account of an able actor; and, asyou are equally qualified for all, you may choose that which is mostsuitable to your own inclination. Though, in my opinion, you wasdesigned by nature to shine in the great world, which, after all, is themost ample field for men of genius; because the game is deeper, andpeople of fashion being, for the most part, more ignorant, indolent,vain, and capricious, than their inferiors, are of consequence moreeasily deceived; besides, their morals sit generally so loose about them,that, when a gentleman of our fraternity is discovered in the exercise ofhis profession, their contempt of his skill is the only disgrace heincurs."
Our hero was so well pleased with this picture, that he longed to perusethe original, and, before these two friends parted, they settled all theoperations of the campaign. Ratchcali, that same evening, hiredmagnificent lodgings for Count Fathom, in the court end of the town, andfurnished his wardrobe and liveries from the spoils of Monmouth Street;he likewise enlisted another footman and valet-de-chambre into hisservice, and sent to the apartments divers large trunks, supposed to befilled with the baggage of this foreign nobleman, though, in reality,they contained little else than common lumber.
Next day, our adventurer took possession of his new habitation, afterhaving left to his friend and associate the task of dismissing theunfortunate Elenor, who was so shocked at the unexpected message, thatshe fainted away; and when she recovered the use of her senses so well asto reflect upon her forlorn condition, she was seized with the mostviolent transports of grief and dismay, by which her brain was disorderedto such a degree, that she grew furious and distracted, and was, by theadvice and assistance of the Tyrolese, conveyed into the hospital ofBethlem; where we shall leave her for the present, happily bereft of herreason.