In My Bed

  I stand and turn, his gaze sweeping up my body as my damp clothes stick to my skin. I run my hand back through my wet hair, pushing the short strands away from my face. His gaze finally meets mine and I smile, flicking my eyes down to the zipper of his jeans. “You know, Nate, I don’t think your pants are fine. They actually look kinda tight.”

  He chuckles, deep and throaty, as he reaches down to adjust himself. “I’ve been dealing with that problem all night. You seem to have that effect on me.”

  “I like that I have that effect on you, Nate,” I say, taking a few steps closer and running my hand along the hard ridge in his jeans.

  He closes his eyes and groans, tilting his head back, his face toward the sky. “We have to talk first, Jenna.”

  Now it’s my turn to groan. “I want to talk, really I do, but right now more than anything I want you. And anyway, you said there would be touching before, during, and after the talking. This is the before portion,” I tell him, pressing my body closer, the heat of his skin warming my body through my wet clothes.

  He takes a big breath, his body pushing into mine even though I know he’s not doing it on purpose. “I want you too, Jenna, but maybe I was overestimating my resolve when I said there would be touching before. We need to talk about this first before we let it go too far. Last time we assumed what the other wanted we were both wrong. I don’t want that to happen again.”

  My body is screaming at me to keep going, but he’s right—we should talk. In fact, before I hook-up with a guy, I always make it a point to talk to him first and make my expectations clear. This is no different, in theory, even if the conversation will be more about feelings than fucking. I sigh and nod my head, reluctantly moving away from him. I reach back into my drawer and pull out a T-shirt and a pair of shorts to change into.

  I toss him my shirt before I strip. His eyes are on me, glazed over as he watches me change. My skin tingles with the attention and I nearly throw my clothes down and pounce on him. But as much as I want to skip the conversation and move right into touching, I do think we should talk. Something has changed between us and I want to know what it means. We’ve been dancing this line between friendship and relationship and today we’ve both made it clear we’re ready for that elusive more.

  We should be sure that his idea of it and mine are the same.

  Chapter 15

  “Are you gonna put that on?” I ask Nate, tipping my chin toward the shirt he’s still holding in his hand.

  I’m fully dressed now, but I can tell by the way he’s looking at me that he doesn’t see my clothes. Clearing his throat, he lifts the shirt and shakes out the folds before pulling it on. Even though it’s the biggest shirt I have, it’s still kind of tight on him, but it fits. He sits on the edge of my bed, pushing his hair back from his face before he leans back on his hands, the muscles in his forearms flexing as they support his weight.

  I think he expects me to take a seat in my desk chair since I’m standing near it, but instead I move across the room and straddle his lap. I wait for him to say something, but we don’t talk—we just look at each other as I hover above him.

  He sits up slowly and places his hands on my hips, his fingers digging into my skin and sending bolts of lust shooting through my body as I inhale a sharp breath. His face is level with my chest and he moves in, his chin grazing my breasts as he places a kiss on the exposed skin, his lips just barely touching my cleavage. My hands come up and slide into his hair, wanting to pull him closer but resisting.

  He moans as I tug on the roots, his head tilting up so his lips rest on my neck. “This is just another thing I like about you, Jenna,” he whispers against my skin.

  “What’s that?” I ask, my voice filled with lust.

  “You’re completely irresistible.”

  His hands travel around my back, up between my shoulders, and into my hair before he pulls me down for a kiss. It’s slow and deep, his tongue sliding into my mouth to caress mine. I settle into his lap, his hard length pressing on my center as I start to rock against him. The slight movement causes him to groan, the kiss turning frenzied as he moves his hands down to my breasts and palms them through the material of my shirt. My nipples rub against him, sending waves of pleasure through my body as I grind down on his erection.

  The kiss goes on, Nate’s mouth moving across my skin, his hand traveling down my body until they meet the apex of my thighs. He doesn’t reach under my shorts, but I’m so hot for him he doesn’t need to. With a few circles of his thumb against my clit, I come apart, moaning into the kiss as my body shakes with an orgasm way too intense to have been caused by some heavy petting.

  My breathing starts to return to normal as Nate lightly kisses down my neck. He pulls away and looks at me. “Fucking incredible.”

  I’m beaming, happy to have had my first male induced orgasm in a month. “Damn straight,” I reply, causing him to laugh and move against me, reminding me that it’s only fair I return the favor. My hands start to slide down his chest, reaching the button on his jeans before one of his large hands encircling my wrists.

  I look up and see the smile has dropped from his face. “So we’re doing this?”

  I smile, tilting my head. “What do you mean by this?”

  He sighs and moves my hands to his chest before putting his on my waist. “This, Jenna. You’re ready to stop taking things slow and be together?”

  I smile, about to make a joke, but stop when he shakes his head. “Stop, Jenna. No jokes. No innuendos. What you said to me in that text this morning was real. We like each other and I’m liking you more with every day that passes. You know what I want from a relationship—we talked about it before. So I’m asking,” he clears his throat, his eyes searching mine, “are you ready to be with me?”

  I open my mouth, ready to tell him yes—ready to finally accept what my heart and body have been begging for since the moment I met him …

  And I hesitate.

  It’s just a moment, less than a second, but it’s incredible how such a small measure of time can matter so much.

  In that brief moment of hesitation, I see his face change from hopeful to disappointed, I feel his body tense, and I feel our relationship change—and this time it’s not forward progress. It’s coming to a big screeching stop.

  “Nate, I want to be with you, but I … I’m …”

  My heart is racing, but for the first time in Nate’s presence it’s not because of his effect on me. It’s because I’m terrified and he can see it. I’m normally so confident and sure, but I’ve always known that what Nate and I have is different. It’s something I’m scared to lose, and at the same time it’s something I’m scared to have.

  He nods, closing his eyes and cutting off our connection. “You’re scared,” he says, taking a breath before he opens his eyes and looks at me again. “It’s just … I know what we have and how good it is. Help me understand what you’re scared of.”

  I take a deep breath, searching his eyes. He’s said before that I’m easy to talk to, and I realize I feel the same way about him. Opening up doesn’t seem so hard when he’s the one I’m with. “I thought I had this before, Nate. I was in love and it was amazing. I thought he loved me and I thought I knew him, but then I found out everything I had was a lie. The entire time we were together he was with other people, lying to me about how he felt and what we were. That relationship changed me—he changed me—and now I don’t know how not to be scared of this.”

  “Jenna,” he says, his hands holding me steady while I feel like I’m coming apart. “It can be scary to take the risk, but I think that it’s scarier to miss out on something great because of fear.” He reaches up and wipes a tear from my cheek that I didn’t even know was there.

  “I get that, I do. And I want to let it go and get over it, but I don’t know how. He not only broke my heart, but he completely screwed me out of the life I’ve always wanted.”

  Nate leans his head to the side. “What do you mean?” he
asks, his voice quiet and calm.

  I tilt my head up, my eyes looking at the small cracks on the ceiling before I close them. “I was attending a ballet school in New York and he was one of my instructors. When I caught him cheating, he reported our affair and told the board of the school that I was offering to sleep with him for roles. It was a totally fucked up situation, but because he was a big name they kicked me out, believing his story over mine. I sued the school and won, getting him fired and some of the board members replaced, but he ruined that life I’d always wanted. I found a new dream to work towards, but I’ll never forget how it felt. I loved him and he destroyed everything that I was.”

  I open my eyes and look down at Nate, but he’s looking over my shoulder, staring at the wall his nostrils flaring as he breathes, an unreadable expression on his face. It’s not anger, but it’s something near that.

  I want to ask him why he’s so upset, but I don’t get the chance to say anything else as he picks me up off his lap and sits me on the bed next to him. He stands up and puts his hands behind his neck, facing away from me. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. His muscles are tense and his body is rigid as his fingers start to flex against the skin of his neck. He breathes loudly and I realize that I was wrong before because this isn’t something near anger—this is anger.

  “That guy you were talking about last night when you said you were in love once was your teacher?” he asks, his voice sounding pained.

  “Yes,” I say quietly, my voice starting to shake as tears fall down my cheeks. I wanted Nate to be understanding, but he’s not. My own anger starts to flare. “And you can stop being such an asshole about it, Nate. I don’t talk about this with anyone, and I just told you everything. If you have a problem with my past, you can just fuck off and leave,” I tell him, my voice gaining strength with each word that leaves my mouth. I haven’t even told Rachel or Jimmy about everything that happened with Simon. It’s a part of me that I keep to myself, not wanting them to see the weakness in my past.

  When I finish, he turns around, his eyes locking on mine. “I’m not mad at you, Jenna. I’m furious for you. Someone you’re supposed to trust beyond all measure, a teacher, used you and betrayed the trust you gave him. He’s a disgusting human being and I’m enraged beyond anything that you had to deal with this.”

  Tears are running down my face as he speaks, absorbing everything he’s saying to me. I’ve had people on my side about this, but no one has ever been just plain mad for me. My parents were supportive, Claudette was helpful and sympathetic, but Nate is livid and it makes my heart skip a beat. The idea that he’s able to feel empathy for me like this has me wanting to jump in his arms and stay there for the rest of my life. A small smile shines through my tears.

  “Your teacher took advantage of your trust, Jenna. Why are you smiling about this?”

  I take a deep breath and look into his eyes, trying to ground myself. “You’re mad for me and it feels really good to know you care that much about me. And, to be entirely honest, it makes me kinda hot.”

  A smile slowly spreads across his face as he chuckles. “An angry guy makes you hot?”

  I shrug. “An angry you makes me hot. And I don’t think it’s the angry part so much as the part where you’re angry for me.”

  His smile turns sad as he takes a step closer. “You have to know that I’m not like that guy, right?”

  I nod, my smile falling a bit as I start to realize how big my trust issues are. Not only have I avoided serious romantic relationships, but the fact that I haven’t told Rachel or Jimmy about what happened with Simon means I’ve been avoiding building real friendships with them. I’ve always thought I was the type of person who stood up to things, who never backed down, but it turns out I’ve been hiding this whole time.

  “So I guess I have some trust issues to work through.”

  “The thing about trust is that to work through it, you need someone to practice that trust with.”

  “You’re up for the challenge?” I ask, realizing I’m nervous.

  “If you’re willing to give us a real chance.”

  “Are you asking for more, Nate?” I smile again.

  He walks toward me and kneels on the floor between my knees. He takes my hands in his and squeezes them as he quirks a sideways smile, looking so charming I’d probably do anything he asked right now. “I’m definitely asking for more, Jenna.”

  My heart skips at his words, and even though I’m still scared of trusting someone again, I know that if anyone deserves it, it’s Nate. “How did I go for Will instead of you when we first met? That guy was an asshole and you’re … perfect.”

  He gives me a cocky smile, looking like he’s about to make a joke, but it softens before he takes my hands in his and moves them to his face. His hands cover mine as my palms press against his jaw. “You weren’t ready for us yet.”

  I smile sadly, leaning my forehead against his and closing my eyes. “I still don’t know if I am.”

  “You are,” he replies, moving his hands to cup my face.

  We sit there quietly until Nate pulls back and slowly stands up. “Don’t leave,” I whisper as I pull my legs up. “Stay here with me.”

  He smiles. “I wasn’t leaving, Jenna. I just figured I should probably take off my damp jeans before I got into bed with you.”

  “So you’re sleeping in my bed with me?” I ask as I lie down on my side and watch him flick open the button on his jeans.

  Laughing, he slides down the zipper and steps out of his jeans. “I can’t think of a single place I’d rather be right now.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, I look right at him. I want to hide the way I’m feeling with a joke, but instead, I tell him the truth—trusting him enough to be honest about how I’m feeling. “Is it okay if we just sleep tonight? I’m kind of mentally exhausted and I’m not really in the mood for anything more.”

  The look he gives me is warm and comforting—safe. “Of course.” He reaches back over his head and pulls off the shirt I gave him, turning off the light before coming to the bed.

  Climbing over me, he slides between me and the wall and spoons me from behind, his broad chest warming my back as he presses against me. I’ve got a twin bed so the space is small even with just me in it, so when you add Nate, there’s barely any room to move. We shift until both of us are comfortable, his arm sliding around my waist, his fingers spreading across my stomach.

  “I forgot to ask how the open mic night went,” Nate says, his warm breath caressing my neck.

  “Rachel was incredible. Have you ever seen her perform?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Well, you should. That girl has some serious talent. How did your study group go?”

  He groans, his forehead pressing between my shoulder blades. “Don’t remind me. The certification is going to be way more intense than any of us thought it’d be.”

  “So the material is harder than you thought?”

  “It’s way more extensive,” he sighs. “A lot of studying needs to happen over the next few weeks, so we may not get to see each other as often as I’d like. I guess we can just look at it as practice for the fall when I start med school.”

  My heart starts racing at the mention of the future—our future. I smile and press myself closer to him. “This feels like we’re a real couple. Talking about our days and cuddling in bed.”

  “We are a real couple, Jenna,” he says with a little laugh.

  “So you’ll be telling your friends about us? Or would we keep it to ourselves for a while?” I ask, a little nervous.

  “I planned on telling them. Why?”

  I want this with Nate, but I feel like letting people know about us would put more pressure on the relationship. Even though I’m committing to being with Nate, I don’t know that I want others judgments and opinions part of it.

  “Wouldn’t it be fun to just keep it a secret for a little while?” I ask, trying to avoid the real reason
for my hesitation, but unable to even convince myself with the uncertainty in my voice.

  “Are you having second thoughts about this?” he asks, sounding concerned.

  “No, definitely not. I’m just not ready for other people’s opinions. I’ve conducted my relationships a certain way the entire time I’ve been friends with Rachel and Jimmy and I don’t want to hear them say I told you so. They’ve been pushing for me to try something real, and I just don’t want the pressure.”

  “I told you we could move at your pace. If you’re not ready for other people to know yet, then we can hold off,” he says before kissing the back of my head. “But for what it’s worth, I think that Rachel and Jimmy would only have good things to say. They’re your friends and they want you to be happy, and since I make you happy …” he finishes, the smile clear in his voice as I let out a content sigh.

  “I just need a little time to try and work on myself. I thought I knew what I wanted and who I was, but now I’m starting to think I was wrong.” My voice is quiet as I admit this to him. I know my trust issues aren’t going to be magically resolved overnight, but it helps that Nate makes me feel safe.

  “You’ll figure it out, Jenna,” he replies, comforting me as his arm wraps back around me and pulls me close. “Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  I close my eyes and it doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep, my overworked mind shutting off, craving the calm that sleep will bring.

  ***

  When I was thirteen years old, I auditioned for the New York City Premier School of Ballet based on a recommendation from my ballet instructor. I practiced for my audition for months before I actually flew to New York. My feet were sore at the end of every day, but I kept dancing and dancing. It was a lot of work, but it paid off. Less than a week later I got a call letting me know that I was accepted to their school and selected as the recipient for a full scholarship.

  My parents were nervous for me when I went to audition, but I wasn’t—everything about my performance was flawless. There was this one part in particular where everything just felt right—I felt complete. I was up on stage dancing my heart out and doing it better than I’d ever done before. It was a perfect moment for me; a moment I’ll never forget.