‘Some people think so,’ Romy finally said.
‘Santa Claus!’
‘No.’
‘Give me a hint.’
‘Some people believe you’ve performed miracles,’ Lesley said.
‘Harry Potter!’
‘You’re not fictional, remember?’ Romy reminded him. That had been one of his first questions.
‘I’m not fictional and I’ve performed miracles.’ He thought. ‘Saint … Somebody,’ he said, clearly racking his brain to come up with the name of a saint. ‘Oh, I know – the pope!’
‘Um … no. I don’t think he’s done any miracles, has he?’
Lesley said.
‘Saint Jude!’
‘No.’
‘Saint Joseph!’
‘No.’
‘Saint … Peter!’
‘No, but you’re getting warmer,’ Danny said.
‘Give me another hint.’
‘Okay,’ Danny said, scanning the ceiling as he thought. ‘You were at the Last Supper.’
‘Moses!’
Everyone laughed.
‘Moses wasn’t at the Last Supper,’ Ethan said, chuckling.
‘He wasn’t?’ Kit frowned. ‘Why not?’
Ethan shrugged. ‘Who knows? Maybe he was washing his hair that night.’
‘He did have a lot of hair,’ Lesley said. ‘And it was in rag order if those paintings of him are anything to go by. Frizz city.’
‘Well, in fairness, it can’t have been easy keeping your hair in good condition when you lived in the desert all the time,’ Romy said to her.
‘True. And in Olden Times too. They didn’t have any of the advanced technology shampoos and conditioners that we take for granted.’
‘Or any shampoo at all – not even Sunsilk.’
‘God, yeah – total nightmare! I suppose unmanageable hair would have been a given.’
‘Okay, so I was at the Last Supper, but I’m not Moses,’ Kit recapped, bringing them back to the game. ‘Abraham!’
Romy collapsed back on the floor in a fit of giggles. ‘Abraham wasn’t at the Last Supper either.’
‘Well, how am I supposed to know who was there? I wasn’t the bloody sommelier.’
‘Yeah,’ Danny said, laughing. ‘Obviously we only know who was there because we were involved in the catering.’
‘There were only thirteen people at the Last Supper,’ Lesley told Kit gently. ‘Jesus and the apostles.’
‘I know that! I’m not a complete ignoramus.’
‘Well … why did you say Moses, then?’ she asked tentatively. ‘You mean … Moses wasn’t in the apostles?’ Kit asked, frowning.
‘You make it sound like a band.’ Romy laughed. ‘And now, The Apostles with their number one hit single!’
‘Yeah,’ Lesley giggled, ‘maybe he was in the original line-up but got kicked out.’
‘Because no one liked his hair,’ Romy said, giggling with her. She felt woozy and giddy, on a natural high from the pizza and wine and the relief of being warm.
‘Not with the hair again!’ Kit huffed. ‘Jesus Christ, can you—’
‘Yes!’ Lesley pounced.
‘Huh?’
‘Yes – Jesus Christ! That’s the answer.’
The following morning, Romy woke to the delicious smell of bacon frying. Still in her sleeping bag, she shuffled into the kitchen to find Ethan and Kit presiding over a couple of frying pans, making an enormous breakfast. Lesley and Danny were sitting at the table expectantly, also still cocooned in their sleeping bags.
‘Ah, just in time,’ Kit said, smiling at her. ‘How do you like your eggs?’
‘Sunny side up.’
‘Same for everyone, then,’ he said. ‘That’s easy.’
‘There’s tea and toast,’ Ethan said, waving her to the table. ‘This’ll be ready in a minute.’
She pulled out the chair beside Lesley and sat down. ‘I can’t believe how well I slept,’ she said, rubbing her eyes.
‘Well, I’d say you had a lot to catch up on,’ Lesley said, pouring her a mug of tea. ‘And that cleaning was knackering. I ache all over.’
‘Me too!’ everyone chorused, comparing notes about sore muscles and stiff backs.
‘Dig in,’ Ethan said as he put a plate piled high with rashers, sausages, eggs, tomatoes and potato cakes in the middle of the table, and he and Kit sat down.
‘So what’s the plan for today?’ Kit asked as they all helped themselves.
‘Well, we’ve done the groundwork,’ Romy said, ‘so there won’t be much for us to do once the workmen get here, other than stay out of their way and keep them fed and happy. I want to go up and spend some time in the house – take measurements and stuff, so I can make some proper plans.’
‘And I’ll take a look around outside,’ Danny said, ‘and start thinking about a design for the grounds.’
‘And we can start clearing stuff out into the skips.’
‘Well, I’ll take care of the cooking, if you like,’ Kit offered.
‘Really?’
‘Sure. I’m a very good cook, you know.’
‘I know. You both are,’ she said, looking between him and Ethan.
‘Learning to cook was kind of a priority when you grew up in our family,’ Ethan said with a crooked smile. ‘When all our classmates were doing football camps in the summer holidays, Kit and I would beg to go to cooking ones.’
‘And I’m used to catering for the masses,’ Kit said. ‘I told you I was a short order cook for a while in New York, didn’t I?’
‘Yes, you did.’
‘That was probably my favourite job. The pay was shit, of course, but I had a blast.’
‘Well, if this breakfast is anything to go by, I’d say you have a calling,’ Lesley said. ‘It’s amazing.’
‘Fantastic!’ Danny agreed.
‘Okay, then – you’re hired,’ Romy said. ‘I just need you to come up to the house so I can go over my ideas with you, and then you can channel Jamie Oliver to your heart’s content.’
Shortly after they finished breakfast, a vanload of burly Poles descended on the house led by Stefan, Romy’s tenant, who was the biggest and burliest of them all.
‘Wow, this is impressive,’ Kit said as they poured out of the van and swarmed into the house. ‘It’s like one of those barnraisings you see in films.’
Once Romy had briefed them on what needed to be done, they infiltrated every corner of the house like a colony of ants, and soon the cottage was being transformed with impossible speed as they moved through it with methodical diligence. Leaving them to it, Romy and the others trooped up to the big house. On the doorstep, Romy handed out hard hats to everyone.
‘Hats don’t suit me,’ Lesley said, trying to hand hers back.
‘Humour me,’ Romy said firmly, not taking the hat from her.
‘But they make my hair go all funny.’
‘Well, if a piece of ceiling fell on you, it could make your head go all funny.’
Lesley sighed, reluctantly putting the hat on. ‘See?’ she said. ‘I look like an eejit, don’t I?’
‘Well, at least you’ll be a safe eejit,’ Romy said, smiling as she put on her own hat.
‘It’s all right for you,’ Lesley said sulkily. ‘You look good in yours.’
‘Hardly.’
‘You do,’ Ethan nodded. ‘It’s very sexy.’
Romy met his eyes, and the way he was looking at her made her feel hot and prickly. She turned away to hide her blush.
‘And the guys all look great in them,’ Lesley continued. ‘It’s just me – they do nothing for me.’
‘Well, it might save you from getting clocked on the head by falling debris, so that would be more than any other hat has ever done for you. Come on,’ Romy said, leading the way into the house.
‘Wow, this is amazing!’ Ethan said, looking around as they stood in the vast hall. ‘I haven’t been here in so long.’
‘Takes you back, doe
sn’t it?’ Kit said to him.
‘We used to have epic games of hide and seek up here,’ Ethan said. ‘It would take hours to find everyone.’
As they walked through the large, echoingly empty rooms, Romy outlined her ideas for the renovation, all of which Kit enthusiastically approved.
‘It’s a fantastic house,’ Danny said, looking out the window of one of the upstairs rooms. ‘I’m going to go and take a walk around the grounds.’
‘I’ll go with you,’ Kit said.
‘See if the tree swing is still there,’ Ethan called after him.
‘Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that. I’ll have a look. And when we’re done,’ he said to Danny, ‘maybe we could go into the village and get some supplies for dinner.’
When they were gone, Romy got out her tape measure and a notepad, and prepared to get down to the nitty-gritty of measuring the rooms and making lists of what work needed to be done.
‘You two don’t have to stay,’ she said to Ethan and Lesley, who were perched together on a window seat, watching her.
‘We can help,’ Lesley said eagerly.
‘These rooms are big,’ Ethan said. ‘You’ll need someone to hold the other end of your tape measure.’
‘And I’ll write everything down,’ Lesley said, picking up Romy’s notepad and pen.
‘Okay then. Let’s get started.’
It was after dark when they got back to the house, and the workers were just knocking off, loading debris into the skips and tidying away tools. Kit had been busy in the kitchen, and they all sat down together to steaming bowls of chilli with pasta, and garlic bread.
‘Is it just the heat from the oven or is it warmer in here?’ Romy asked.
‘No, it’s warmer,’ Kit said, smiling. ‘Stefan got the heat working.’
‘Oh, thank you!’ Romy beamed at him. ‘You’re a godsend. And thank you all for your hard work,’ she said, raising her glass to the table at large. ‘The place looks amazing. I’ll be giving you all a call when work starts.’
All the men raised their glasses to her in a silent toast.
‘Is no problem,’ Stefan said. ‘You are good pirson to work for, Romy. You hev been good to all of us, so vee be good to you,’ he said with an expansive shrug.
‘Oh shit!’ Kit gasped. ‘That reminds me, I told May I’d go back and put up that … thing for her. I completely forgot. I’ll do it as soon as I get back.’
‘No need,’ Stefan said. ‘I put trapeze on ceilink for her.’
‘You did?’ Romy said. ‘Thanks. I hope it’s not too noisy,’ she added apologetically.
‘No, is better for me. Now she swink out of ceilink, is much quieter. I get good sleep.’
‘Oh, that’s good. I’m glad it’s worked out well for everyone.’
‘You have a tenant who does trapeze?’ Ethan asked, wide-eyed.
‘Not exactly,’ Romy said. ‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘She hev sex on trapeze,’ Stefan explained unabashedly. ‘Before it was beng, beng, beng all the time. And the screamink!’ He raised his eyes to heaven. ‘Oy – so much noise! Now is just the screamink – is not so bad.’
‘May is quite eccentric,’ Romy explained to Ethan.
‘I think she’s lovely,’ Kit said.
‘Yeah, she’s a big fan of yours too,’ Romy told him. ‘And your work. She showed me those shelves you put up for her.’
‘Good, weren’t they?’
‘She was very happy with them,’ Romy said obliquely, catching Ethan’s eye. He was smiling at her smugly, knowing damn well he’d been right.
‘Oh, I fix those shelves too,’ Stefan said. ‘They were crep. You are crep hendymen,’ he said bluntly to Kit.
‘Gee, thanks!’
‘Crep hendymen, but good cook!’ Stefan said heartily, pointing to his empty bowl.
Romy and Ethan buried their faces, giggling into their chilli.
Well, Romy thought, at least she was being spared having to break it to Kit that his work wasn’t up to scratch. There was a lot to be said for Stefan’s bluntness.
‘But May was delighted with those shelves,’ Kit protested. ‘You said so yourself.’
‘May was just being nice. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings.’
‘Unlike some,’ Kit said, glowering darkly at Stefan.
‘Hey, you can’t be good at everything,’ Danny said consolingly. ‘And you really are an amazing cook.’
‘Yes, great cook! But crep hendymen,’ Stefan reiterated.
‘Well, I guess our work here is done,’ Danny said as they looked around the cottage after the Poles had piled into their van and driven off.
The transformation in the cottage was amazing, and it was hard to believe it had been achieved in such a short time. Only yesterday it had been dingy and miserable, and now it was bright and cosy. Once she brought down some furniture, Romy decided, it would be quite homely. She had plenty of pieces in storage that she could use to furnish the place.
‘So, anyone fancy going to the pub?’ Kit asked.
‘I think I’ll stay here and play with the hot water,’ Romy said. She was longing to get clean and into her pyjamas.
‘Me too,’ Lesley said. ‘I’m dying for a shower.’
Ethan and Danny were both for the pub.
‘Perfect!’ Lesley said. ‘You can all have a boys’ night out, and we’ll have a girls’ night in.’
Later, when they were both showered and in their pyjamas, Romy and Lesley sat in front of the fire in their sleeping bags and shared a bottle of wine. At first their conversation consisted entirely of extolling the virtues of the shower, and groaning with delight over the hot water.
‘You have to dump your fake boyfriend,’ Lesley said, when they had finally exhausted the topic of how amazing it felt to be clean.
‘What? Why?’
‘Because you have to get with the brother. He’s so into you.’
‘He’s just flirty. He’s like that with everyone.’
‘He’s not like that with me.’
‘Well, that’s just because he’s polite and it would be rude
if he was flirting with both of us at the same time. If I wasn’t around, I bet he’d be just the same way with you. It’s a reflex with him.’
‘I don’t think so. Have you not seen the way he looks at you? It’s obvious he has the hots for you.’
‘He’s a total man-whore. He fancies anyone with a fanny and a pulse.’
‘Well, all the more reason. You’ve got a fanny and a pulse, so he’s a sure thing. You need to get back in the game. This is your chance.’
‘But I don’t want to be just another notch on his bedpost. You know I’m not good at casual sex and one-night stands.’
‘I don’t think he just wants a one-stand with you. Honestly,
Romy, you’re there in your Bob the Builder outfit, not a curve in sight or a screed of make-up on, and he’s looking at you like you’re Playmate of the Month. He’s got it bad.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Romy said, though she couldn’t help smiling at the thought of Ethan wanting her like that. She caught the desire in his eyes sometimes when he looked at her, but she tried not to read too much into it. It was just his way, she told herself.
‘I’m telling you, he couldn’t look more enthralled if you were spread-eagled with your chuff in the air, your tits falling out of a bustier and a staple through your stomach.’
‘What a charming image!’
‘I bet Ethan would think so. Seriously, he looks like he wants to eat you – in the good way.’
Romy thought longingly of having a man touch her – having Ethan touch her. ‘A fling would be nice,’ she said wistfully.
‘There you go.’
‘A lovely, uncomplicated fling with a nice, straightforward guy.’ God, it would be wonderful, she thought. It was way too long since she’d had sex – and sometimes, lately, she was overwhelmed with panic that she might never have it again. Ethan was certa
inly uncomplicated.
‘You really like him, don’t you?’ Lesley said.
‘Yeah,’ she admitted, ‘I do. But nothing can happen,’ she said firmly, not sure if she was trying to talk herself or Lesley out of it. ‘I mean, even if I did break up with Kit, what would his family think if I ditched him and took up with his brother straight away? I’d look like a right ho. They probably wouldn’t be too pleased with Ethan either.’
She sipped her wine, gazing into the fire. If only she’d never agreed to be Kit’s fake girlfriend. Still, maybe it was just as well. She really did like Ethan – a lot – and she was rubbish at casual sex. A fling would be nice while it lasted, but she would just end up wanting more.
‘No,’ she said finally, ‘I’m just going to have to be faithful to my fake boyfriend – for better or worse.’
Chapter Twenty
The following morning, they all slept late and after another big breakfast, packed up to go home. As they had hardly left the house in two days, they decided to spend some time checking out the surrounding area and then go to one of the local pubs for lunch before heading back to Dublin. The village was tiny, but quaint, with brightly painted cottages and a pretty stone bridge over a small, rushing river. Despite its size, it boasted three pubs, a couple of cafés and a Chinese restaurant as well as the pizza takeaway they had already made use of. After exploring the village, they went for a walk in the woods that were at one end of it. It was a bright, cold day, bringing the surrounding landscape into the vivid Technicolor of an old movie – the browns, greens and russets of the rolling hills contrasted sharply by the clear blue sky. Their breath hung in clouds before them as they crunched through the crisp leaves underfoot.
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