Kaine
Somewhere deep inside, I knew I was dreaming again. I always seemed to know, just as I also knew that as much as I might want to wake up, I couldn’t. Not until I saw his face. I had to stay asleep long enough, just to see his face one more time.
We’re boys again, back in the old house on Rance Street. Danny is about seven. I feel a tightening in my chest, remembering what happened, knowing I’m going to have to watch it happen all over again. Danny’s smiling at me and laughing. This part of the dream is so familiar. I love to see him smile, But I can’t smile back. My face is frozen. Unlike my little brother, I know what’s going to happen next…
We’ve been playing together, and the ball has rolled out into the street. I run out to get it. Danny’s not allowed, and it’s my job to protect him. I’m three years older and it’s always been my job.
Dad’s inside with the game on. Last time I went in for water, he’d finished a six pack and was pulling a second out of the fridge. I stood back, well out of his way, waiting for him to finish, giving him space. Yesterday had been bad. The day before even worse. My shirt was sticking to the places that hadn’t scabbed over yet. Once in a while, it pulled loose and I could feel the little cuts start to bleed again.
“Get the fuck outside, Gabe,” he said, slurring the words. I relaxed a little. When I was really in trouble he called me by my whole name, Gabriel. Gabriel Arkaine.
“I told you to keep an eye on Danny, you little shit. I’m not missing the end of this.”
He dropped back into his armchair and I ran back out into the sunshine. Danny was resting under the old apple tree. He was on his side, knees bent, and I knew why. His back was sore too. Not the same as mine, but still sore. Dad would use his belt on Danny. He used his pocketknife on me…
The red rubber ball was resting by Danny’s feet. As he rolled over and started to stand up, one foot caught the ball hard and it shot back out toward the street, flying high and fast. Danny was already up, and moved faster than I did.
Laughing, he took off after it. “Catch me, Gabe!” he cried out, turning to look back at me over his shoulder. “I bet you’ll never catch me…”
I woke up, sucking for air. Danny…! Oh… god, Danny…
I was already sitting upright, my chest heaving as all the old familiar feelings washed through me. Anger… sadness… Guilt. Why the fuck didn’t I catch you…?
I pulled the cotton robe back in place and tied the belt tight. I ran my hands through my hair, and gripped the back of my neck in my hands. Twenty years later and that fucking dream could still bring it all back. It was the only thing in my life that still had power over me…
I lost my brother that sunny afternoon. I lost my father too, when they took me away from him. You could say it was the day that Gabriel died too, and I became Kaine instead. Only my father had ever called me by that name. And I’d never wanted to hear it again.
“You killed my boy, Gabriel,” he’d said, the last time I saw him. “You ungrateful little bastard. You killed my goddamn son…”
They’d found the bruises on Danny, of course. And could distinguish the old marks from the fresh ones made by the pickup truck that hit him. The police had called in a lady holding a clipboard, with a quiet voice and a tired face, who’d asked me to unbutton my shirt. There’d been questions… and photographs of my back. Dad had gone to jail for what he’d done. My punishment for Danny’s death had been a long series of foster homes. And the memories that never left me…
They’d be over for good, once Rance Street was gone. Once the house I’d grown up in was nothing but dust and rubble. My brother was gone. Gone back to dust. And so was my father. The only thing left to remind me of them had to be destroyed too. So that I could finally be free. So that the pain would finally be gone for good…
I stood, pulling in a deep breath and pushing the past back to the past. The day outside was clear and I could feel its warmth through the window glass. I remembered the night before, holding Grace in my arms as her mind and body were lost in the pleasure I’d given her. We had six more days together and there was so much more for her to feel. I needed to watch her experience everything I was going to deny myself…
I stretched, suddenly restless, wanting to take Grace out into the sunshine. I had brought a few sweaters, some jeans. Mrs. S had supplied Grace with everything she could possibly need. I headed down the hall, wondering what she’d say to a long walk, maybe a picnic in the park. In the past, at La Laisse, I’d never left the room until my week was over. Then it had been back to work, back to a life that didn’t include indulgence in anything but hard work.
I opened the bedroom door with an eagerness that surprised me. The bed was empty, the sheets rumpled and twisted. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to wonder what it would have been like, waking up next to her. All pale, golden perfection. It was just one of the many things I had never allowed myself. To wake up next to a woman. But this was the first time it had struck me as something sad…
“Grace?” I called, and headed for the bathroom. The door was open, I didn’t want to surprise her. “Are you in here?”
Frowning, I doubled back, wondering if I’d find her in the kitchen. I didn’t like the idea of her wandering through the suite as I slept. “Grace?”
She wasn’t here. And for a man who was used to being alone almost everywhere, this room felt curiously empty without her. She had to have gone downstairs, but it didn’t seem likely. I felt a stir of annoyance. I’d told her she’d never leave the room without me, after her ugly encounter with Cole last night.
I dressed quickly and headed for the door, wanting to find her, wanting to touch her again. Then I saw it, on the table in the entryway. A note with round, graceful handwriting. I felt a catch in my chest even before I started to read…
I’m sorry, I can’t. I’ll remember the promise I made, but I have to go home.
I’m sorry.
A thousand pictures flew through my mind as I headed for the elevator. Grace on the stage, Grace as her robe fell back and she stood naked and brave as hell up there alone. For the first time, it occurred to me, the bravery it took for a woman to stand up there like that, to sell herself because she needed money. Not knowing what kind of man she could wind up with. Even in a better place like this one, where Mrs. Sparr kept a watchful eye…
The elevator doors slid shut and I could see her green eyes as I’d touched her skin for the first time. I could feel her, smooth and warm and soft in my arms. She’d looked at me with trust in her eyes, even though she hadn’t known if I was worthy of it. She had done everything I’d asked of her… And I’d woken this morning wanting to take her out of the Citadel, into the sunshine. A picnic… Something I remembered from before my mother had died… before the image of her face had started to fade away with time.
The doors opened and I headed down a corridor lined with doors, branching into more hallways. It was early still and quiet. Quiet enough I recognized the sound of her voice. And his.
“You stupid bitch,” I heard him say, “Of course, I recognized you. I know every goddamn thing about you. You and that drunken bitch.” Cole sounded like he was still drunk from last night.
“Even if she gets twenty years, it’s not enough. Not half enough… for what she did to my wife. I saw Claire afterwards, I saw what was left…”
I flattened myself against the wall, anger building into rage. But still, I listened and it all started to fall into place. There’d been a car accident some months back, and his wife had died. The papers had shown pictures of Bastien and Claire smiling at the governor’s ball, the month before she’d been killed.
“I can’t defend her, Mr. Cole. I’m one of the last people who would even want to. But she’s already in jail, and with the case against her… I don’t think she’ll ever be free again. She can’t ever hurt anyone now…”
“But she isn’t going to get what she deserves either. Three squares and a warm bed for the rest of her life. No, it’s not eno
ugh. It’s not anywhere close.”
I shifted forward until I could see them. Grace was in her cotton robe, her hair streaming loose down her back. Bastien was close, too fucking close, and leaned in as he leered at her, his black eyes glittering.
“Maybe Kaine bought the cherry last night, but that’s all he fucking got. One night, but that’s over now. And you’ll go up on the block again tonight. I don’t mind getting his leftovers, as long as you make it worth my fucking time.” He reached out for her as I coiled, ready to spring.
“I’m gonna tie you so tight your skin breaks when you move. And then I’m gonna fuck you till you can’t move at all. By then, I just might need to really start hurting you, baby… And you’re going to like it, Grace. You’re gonna beg me to keep it up. ‘Cause if I have to stop, I might just talk to the press. I could give them information… and photographs.. and proof.”
“That Evelyn Tolman, the murderer, has a daughter who’s a fucked-up whore.”
12
Grace
He was a second away from putting his hands on me. The world started to spin and my face had a funny, tingly feel around the edges. The next thing I knew was the feel of Kaine’s arms around me, and sight of Bastien Cole lying unconscious in the hallway, his nose and mouth bleeding onto the pale grey carpet.
I wrapped my arms around Kaine’s powerful neck and held on tight. I was pretty sure he was taking me back to the Citadel, the place I thought I’d just left for good. As I felt his hard chest, warm against me, and felt his strong arms carrying me as easily as a child, I realized that I was glad he was taking me back to the suite. All the way down in the elevator, I’d had the awful feeling that I was making a mistake by leaving. It’s just that I’d suddenly been so afraid. Seeing all those scars.
Not until the door was locked and Kaine had put me down, did he speak. He picked up the house phone and asked for security. After a short, angry sounding conversation, he turned to me.
“You left,” he said, accusingly. He raked a hand through his hair and I could see his knuckles were bruised and bleeding. “You wanted to leave me.”
I stood up from the chair he’d dropped me in and went to him, taking his hand in mine. I reached for a box of tissues and pressed a wad of them against the broken skin. I felt a shudder go through him and looked up into his eyes. It was the first time I’d seen them unguarded. He looked vulnerable suddenly. And something in my chest caught.
“My reasons are personal, Kaine. I didn’t want to leave you. I felt like I had to. And I know that this… well, that things between us aren’t… personal. It seemed better just to leave…”
He took my hands, covering them with his. The bloody tissues fell to the floor. “I heard what Cole said to you,” he said, as he looked unblinking into my eyes. “I heard him threaten you, and I heard what he said about your mother.” Kaine stroked a hand down my face, letting his fingers trail through the ends of my hair. “I think you need to tell me yourself what happened. And why you came to La Laisse.”
I nodded, unable to look away. And unable to tell him less than the entire truth.
“I will, Kaine. I can tell you everything… if you want to hear it. But there’s something more. Something else I have to tell you too.” I shifted awkwardly and bit my lip. His eyes move to my mouth. “You have a right to know.”
“It was part of why I had to leave. You didn’t intend me to see, and now I understand why you didn’t want me to touch you. And why you didn’t sleep with me last night. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… but I saw them, Kaine.” I looked away, suddenly ashamed. “On your back…”
“I saw the scars,” I whispered.
At first, I felt nothing but a sick feeling of dread. I’d done it. I’d ruined everything. He wouldn’t want to hear anything I had to say now. If he’d wanted to help me before, he never would now. I’d ruined it. I’d ruined everything.
My heart sank as he looked away from me, walking over to the huge window. He was quiet in a way he hadn’t been before. It felt like he wasn’t even in the room with me anymore. It felt like he was lost somehow…
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I wanted to break the spell by doing something, but I just couldn’t. I stood as quiet and still as Kaine, needing desperately for him to talk to me. It felt like I waited for hours.
“Tell me why you came here, Grace,” he said softly, still looking outside at the brightening sky.
I took a step forward. He was still several feet away, but I wasn’t brave enough to get closer. His hand with the skinned knuckles was at his side and I ached to hold it. What I was less sure of, was whether I wanted to comfort him, or because I needed the comfort of touching him for myself.
“I’m Evelyn’s daughter,” I said quietly. “And she’s on trial for the death of Mr. Cole’s wife.” I wrapped my arms tightly around myself as Kaine finally turned around to face me. “She came home drunk that night… although there’s nothing so unusual about that. The car was… well, she didn’t remember anything… but she’d clearly run into… something. There was a lot of damage.” I sat back down.
“She’d hit things before. A fire hydrant once. A car even. But she’d never hurt anyone.” I put my face in my hands, shocked by her blindness… and mine. “We never thought she could hit a person, Kaine. We should have, but we never did. It just didn’t seem possible. But I see it now. That it had all only been a matter of time.”
He came closer, crouching on the floor in front of me, but not reaching out. I looked into his face, wanting something I couldn’t name.
“I saw the headlines,” he said. “She died instantly. And there were witnesses?”
“One. A city councilman.” I pushed my hair back over my shoulders. “It’s his testimony that’s going to put her in jail, Kaine. I’ve hired the best lawyer who was willing to take her case, and I put everything we had into it. That, and a rehab therapist.”
“And that’s why you came here…,” he said slowly. I saw something, a look, a thought, move fast across his face. Then he pulled my hands into his big warm ones, and I finally felt like he was fully present again. Here with me in the room. I couldn’t explain why, even to myself, but it felt like an enormous weight was lifted.
“You want to help her,” he said, searching my face. “You love her…”
“She’s my mother, Kaine. Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to like her. It was my job growing up, to protect her from herself, to try to keep her safe. To try to keep both of us safe. I’d feel like I was failing her, Kaine. If I didn’t try.”
“And you were willing to trade your body for that… for her?” He took my chin in his hand so I couldn’t look away. “You were just a child. She should have been the one…”
Suddenly his intensity was almost frightening. His eyes searched mine, taking in every feature, watching every breath I took. He let go of me, gripping my hands in his, bringing them to his own face. I held him, feeling the silken bristle along his jaw, the muscles working as he spoke to me. “You can love her,” he breathed. “In spite of what she’s done, who she is. You were willing to give your body to a stranger, to try to protect her…”
I ran my hands gently along the angles of his face, exploring, needing to know the story behind this complicated man. His eyes were warm, velvety grey. The color of the sky on a soft, wet day. Days when I’d stayed home from school, waiting for Evelyn to wake up. It had been just the two of us and I’d curled in bed beside her and pulled her arms around me. Pretending that she was the one keeping me safe. Suddenly I was grateful, almost painfully grateful to still be here with Kaine. That my confrontation with Cole had kept me here, long enough for this man to bring me back upstairs. I swallowed and looked into his eyes.
“Yes, Kaine,” I said. “I loved her.”
13
Kaine
I watched her beautiful green eyes trail down my face. They fixed on my jaw, and I focused on the feeling of her fingers, stroking me gently. She reached a
hand up to push the hair off my forehead and I felt the muscles in my stomach tighten in response. Her hands were taking liberties, straying from where I’d put them. The rules had always been to set the woman straight. To draw the boundary so much deeper… that touching me was not allowed. But all I could do now was to feel…
Her fingers pushed through my hair, tracing the line of my collar, and she bit down on her lip as her fingertips moved to my chest. My body was hard, ready to take her, the feeling of unsatisfied need as familiar to me as breathing. But there was something else too. A feeling I didn’t understand, yet was threatening my self control…
“Grace,” I said, taking her hands in mine, kissing them, holding them still. “You’ll find jeans, sweaters, whatever you might need in the bedroom closet. Other things you might need are in the bathroom. Shower if you like. Dress.” I caught her hair in my hands, twisting it into loose ropes. “Are you hungry? You must be.”
“Starving,” she said, smiling up at me through her lashes. “My stomach is growling.”
I pulled her up with me, into my arms and kissed her lightly. “Go,” I ordered, swatting her ass. “Thirty minutes, and don’t make me wait.”
I watched as she headed down the hall, her slim hips swaying easily, the ends of her hair brushing the small of her back. When she disappeared, I put in a fast call to Mrs. Sparr about a packed lunch and a blanket. Then I turned to look out at the New York streets below.
It might have been a mistake to hit him… hell, it was probably assault and battery. But it had felt damn good. And I make a point of regretting nothing. The asshole had it coming for years.
A hundred thoughts swam through my head, like drowning men trying to climb over each other. Cole, being here. The black and white newspaper photos of him smiling with his now dead wife. But it was what Grace said about the man set to testify against her mother that bothered me most. That he was a councilman. Another politician…
The Baby Contract Page 23