“I’m ashamed of who I’ve become.” Brad glanced up, his red-rimmed eyes causing Hannah’s throat to tighten. “I think I’ve experienced every emotion under the sun over the past month. I’ve seesawed between shame and this incredible love beyond what I’ve ever experienced. I’m exhausted, yet elated. And the biggest thing is that I’m afraid of not being good enough for my son. That plays over and over in my mind. How much of a failure I am.”
This time, Hannah reached out and grabbed Brad’s hand, unclasped his fist and threaded her fingers through his, hoping to convey what her heart was longing to say.
His chest strained against his black t-shirt as he heaved a sigh. “I guess I’m used to disappointing people in my life, and I didn’t want to disappoint you, which is why I didn’t tell you the truth that day at the park or later at the hospital. I couldn’t. You are the most incredible woman I know, Hannah, and I had a son that I wasn’t even aware of. How reckless is that? I didn’t want to tarnish you. What kind of woman wants to be involved with someone like me?”
“Brad …” She frowned, mulling over his words as her thumb ran back and forth over his dry, rough skin. Worker’s hands. Strong hands. Safe hands that had cradled a newborn. Caring hands that had caressed her face.
Where did she even start to try and ease the pain in his heart? She knew it wasn’t her place to fix him. It wasn’t her place to solve his problems. It was her place to point him to the One who would heal his brokenness and take his pain away. And it was her place to pray that his heart would yield to the truth of how much God loved him.
“Brad, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been dealing with since finding out you’re a father.” Hannah drew a deep breath, praying for the right words to say. Love God, and love people. It was how she’d tried to live her life, and that’s all God asked of her now. Not to offer advice. Not to spout off a professional opinion. Not to issue judgement.
“I forgive you for not telling me about Jarrod. I’ll admit that I was hurt, and I was also mad at myself for having feelings for someone who was involved with someone else.”
“You still have feelings for me?” Brad peered up at her through strands of hair that had fallen across his forehead, and a glimmer of hope sparked in his eyes.
Heat flushed Hannah’s cheeks. “Y – yes,” she stammered. “But that’s not the point. I can see why you didn’t want to tell me, although, you don’t need to fear my judgement.” She offered a soft smile, reassuring him that she understood where he was coming from. “Can I pray for you?”
Brad slowly nodded, and she clasped both of his hands in hers. Closing her eyes, she thanked God for the blessing of Jarrod and asked for protection over his life. She prayed for Brad, that God would heal his heart, and also find a solution for his business. And she asked God to give him peace and comfort. Whispering Amen, she opened her eyes.
“Thank you,” Brad rasped, releasing her hand to wipe over his eyes. “I can’t remember the last time someone prayed with me. Everyone’s always telling me to pray, but I’ve never seen the point. Until now. There’s a feeling in here,” he rubbed the centre of his chest, “that I can’t describe. It’s like heat spreading out through my body.”
“Peace,” Hannah murmured, blinking away her tears. “God’s got you, Brad. Let Him move in your life.”
They stood and he wrapped her in his arms. Pressing a cheek to his chest, she heard the thudding of his heart, a comforting reassurance that this was a turning point for them. For him. She inhaled his woodsy scent and basked in the warmth and comfort of his embrace.
“Thank you,” he murmured, pressing his lips to her hair. She squeezed her arms around his waist, silently acknowledging his gratitude, but more than anything, reassuring him that she was on his side.
Chapter 24
“What’s the special occasion?” Justin asked as Brad led the way to the alfresco area of one of the waterside cafes.
“Sorry I didn’t dress up,” Mitchell remarked, pulling out a chair and sitting down.
“No special occasion and there was no need to dress up.” Brad’s leg jiggled up and down underneath the table as he poured water into their glasses. He set the carafe down and ran his thumb over the condensation on the side of his glass. After meeting with Hannah at the hospital earlier in the week, he’d felt the need to be honest with his employees. His father had been a man of integrity, and he wanted to follow in his footsteps. Needed to, if he was going to be a good father for Jarrod.
“Summit Landscaping isn’t doing so great,” he said.
Justin and Mitchell exchanged glances before looking at him in surprise.
“I thought business was booming.” Mitchell toyed with a sugar sachet. “You’ve had a few big jobs on the books.”
Justin echoed his sentiments as he folded his arms on the table.
“It hasn’t been enough.” Brad shook his head, reflecting on the IOUs that still sat on his desk, before explaining that people just weren’t hiring his services. “I need to rethink my business structure, which means that I won’t be able to commit to providing regular work for you guys. I wanted to bring you here to tell you it’s probably best to start looking elsewhere. I’m really sorry, guys.” His stomach sank with the knowledge that he was letting them down. He didn’t like being the bearer of bad news. Mitchell and Justin were hard workers and he had no doubt they’d find work easily, but it didn’t make his decision any easier. If and when he was in a position to hire them permanently, he’d snap them up again without question.
“No worries, boss.” Mitchell leaned and rested his elbow on the back of his seat. “I’m sorry business isn’t so great, but I understand.”
“Yeah. Must be tough,” Justin commented.
More than they knew.
“But if you ever need extra hands, you know who to call.”
“Thanks, guys, I appreciate that. And if you need a reference for another job, I’ll happily give one,” Brad said, nodding his thanks as the waitress placed their drinks on the table. “I appreciate you being so understanding.”
“Hey, what’s with the baby seat in the back of your ute?” Justin tilted his head toward Brad’s ute parked at the kerb.
“That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.” The blast of a car horn distracted him before he turned his attention back to the table. “I have a son.”
“What?” Mitchell and Justin gaped at him in unison.
Brad nodded, trying to ignore the comical appearance of their wide eyes and gaping mouths. “His name’s Jarrod. He’s nine weeks old, and I found out about him several weeks ago.” His breath whooshed out of him. The relief at telling someone else felt good. It was freeing. One less burden to shoulder. If he was going to make changes in his life, he needed to start by owning up to the mess he’d created, and not worry about what other people thought.
“Whoa. That’s huge,” Justin said, running a hand through his mop of dark hair as he flopped against his chair. “How’d you keep that hidden so well?”
“My sister’s been helping.” He hoped he’d be able to manage everything without Sophie there all the time. Somehow, it would work out. It would have to.
“That’s massive,” Mitchell said, shaking his head. “We’ll be thinking of you.”
“Again, I’m sorry.” Brad’s gaze shifted between them. “But don’t be strangers, okay?” He only hoped that things would work out and that it wouldn’t be too long before he would be in a better position to offer them more permanent work. He was glad they’d accepted his news without any heated words.
Hannah had been instrumental in helping him take the first step in figuring his life out. As Sophie said, she was the least judgemental person, and that alone was the greatest gift.
As she’d prayed with him in the hospital chapel, he’d felt something shift inside. As though something around his heart had broken loose. And he’d felt an indescribable warmth flood his veins. He wasn’t free of doubt or insecurity or fear
about his future, but he felt a sense of relief at being able to share his burden with someone else.
Each day since, Hannah had sent him a Bible verse via text message. Blowing the dust of his father’s Bible, he’d made it his morning ritual to look them up while feeding Jarrod. During those quiet moments with only the sound of Jarrod guzzling his milk, he read that he was not alone. God loved him. God made him. God would give him strength.
The words he read were ones of comfort, of reassurance, of peace, piercing through the stony remnants of his heart, yielding truth and promising forgiveness and hope for a brighter future. Armed with words of victory, he’d started praying, if that’s what one could call it. He was glad only Jarrod could hear him, because he bumbled his way through, asking God to forgive him. To help him. To make things new.
The words he’d wanted nothing to do with growing up, that he’d heard a thousand times over and had cast aside as useless, were slowly starting to make sense and piece together the remnants of his heart.
Chapter 25
“Hannah’s coming with me,” Brad informed Sophie as he zipped up his suitcase and wheeled it down the hall. “We’ll get up there this afternoon.”
“Great. I’ll be going up in the morning.”
Hannah didn’t hesitate when he’d asked her to attend Damien’s party and meet the rest of his family. He was worried he’d scare her away by asking such a huge favour. But she had promised to be there for him and had proven time and again she was a woman of her word. Although Sophie would be there, he was looking forward to having the extra support from Hannah as he introduced Jarrod to his family.
“How does Hannah feel about it all?” Sophie asked. The whirring of a blender and clanging of cutlery filled the phone.
Brad glanced across the living room to the playmat where Jarrod was lying on his back, batting at the toys dangling on an arch above his head. Hannah was stretched out on her side, her head propped up by her hand. Stroking Jarrod’s tummy with her other hand, she hummed softly.
“I think she’s looking forward to meeting everyone.”
“It’s a big ask, but I think you’ve picked the right woman. Have a safe trip, and I’ll see you there.”
He ended the call and took a moment to watch Hannah play with Jarrod. He was filled with joy at watching how natural she looked lying next to his son, and he couldn’t help but agree that Sophie was right. He had picked the right woman. Deep down, he knew it. Deep down, he knew she was the one he wanted to be with. But he wondered if she felt the same way. Their relationship hadn’t ventured beyond goodnight kisses on the cheek, holding hands or warm embraces watching the sunset on the beach. It had taken all his self-control to not extend their kisses. To not explore how soft her lips were. He might not have a great track record with women, but Hannah was far too precious to treat with anything less than the respect she deserved.
Kneeling beside her, Brad leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Ready to go?”
Bright eyes shone up at him. Her easy grin tugged at his heart. She pushed to her knees and rested her hands on his shoulders before placing a chaste kiss on his lips. “Sure am.”
With the ute loaded up with their luggage, Jarrod gurgling happily in his restraint, and Hannah humming along with the music, an overwhelming sense of contentment settled over Brad. A few months ago, he would never have imagined being in this moment of perfection. Of happiness. If only he could capture it and remind himself of its simplicity when circumstances dragged him down.
He glanced across the cab and grinned at Hannah. “Thanks for coming.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Placing a hand on his knee, she returned his smile. Her touch was a comfort to the knot of anxiety forming in his chest the further north they drove. He wanted to pinch himself. How did he get to this place? How did he find someone so kind and caring? He didn’t deserve someone like Hannah, and yet she’d chosen to be with him and to help confront his family with his past.
“How come no one’s snapped you up before now?” he asked.
Hannah removed her hand from his knee and turned her head to gaze out the window. Her fingers toyed with the straps of her bag.
“Hannah?”
Brad eased his foot off the accelerator. The ute veered to the left as he briefly took his eyes off the road. What was going on?
Closing her eyes, she blew out a breath. “I was engaged.”
What? His stomach plummeted. Engaged? Before he reacted, he took a second to comprehend. She’d said, she’d been engaged. Which meant she wasn’t currently spoken for, didn’t it? “Go on,” he said softly.
“Remember the family tragedy I mentioned?”
He nodded, recalling the short conversation weeks ago.
“It involved my parents, my brother, and my fiancé. They were killed instantly when a semitrailer crossed the road and hit them head-on.”
Brad’s head jerked around. Tears glistened in her eyes. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line and her hands were clenched together on her lap. She drew in a deep breath and straightened her chin.
“So, yes. I was engaged. But it didn’t end because of a disagreement or infidelity or growing bored.”
“Oh, Han.” He didn’t know what to say. That was huge. Unfathomable. And yet, she was living, breathing proof that life could go on, even after such an immense tragedy. The loss of his father diminished in the shadow of her tragedy. Man, he was a fool for thinking anything less of her. Glancing in the rearview mirror, he pulled off onto the side of the road and killed the engine. Turning to face her, he clasped her hands in his and ran his thumbs over the back of her knuckles. Words failed him. He had nothing to offer, only reassurance that he was there for her like she’d been for him.
“Come here.” He pulled her into his arms and cupped her head against his chest as she fell into him. Quiet sobs filled the cab and her tears seeped through his shirt, dampening his chest. He pressed his lips to her hair, pulling her tighter in his embrace. He wanted to comfort her. To ease her pain. He wanted to take away the memory of such a searing loss and replace it with new memories of joy and happiness. Closing his eyes, he silently prayed. Again, not knowing what to say, other than asking God to comfort Hannah in her distress.
Moments passed with Jarrod gurgling to himself, oblivious to the goings-on in the front. A car drove by, blasting its horn, drawing them apart. Brad placed a tender kiss on Hannah’s forehead, her eyelids, and her mouth, before wiping away her tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For listening. For holding me. I’ve really missed being held.”
How his heart ached for the beautiful woman beside him. “My arms are always open.” Holding her gaze, he cupped a palm to her cheek and leaned forward. He gently pressed his lips to hers, soft and tender, like her heart, and hoped his actions showed how much his heart yearned for hers.
“Are you ready?” Brad squeezed Hannah’s hand as he pulled to a stop in the driveway of Allawah, the B&B his mother and Damien ran. Jarrod had fallen asleep not long after he pulled back onto the road, and they spent the rest of the journey in comfortable silence.
“You asked me that earlier.” She grinned. “The question is, are you?”
With a sigh, Brad peered out the windscreen at the refurbished Queenslander with its wraparound verandah and bullnose roof. Bunting hung around the verandah, and tiki torches were spread out through the garden, ready for Damien’s party. “No, but I’ll never be ready. Let’s get this over with.”
His legs were lead weights as he walked up the steps with Jarrod in the carrier while clutching Hannah’s hand. This was far worse than being called into the principal’s office in high school for smoking behind the cricket nets and having to face his parents afterwards.
“The gardens look great,” Hannah murmured, distracting him from the impending judgement. “You did a great job.”
“How d
id you know?” He shot her a questioning look.
“I can tell. They’ve got your style all over them.”
Her compliment filled him with pride. The fact that she’d paid attention to the landscape detail at Liberty House and noticed some of the same features here in the short time since they’d arrived filled him with inexplicable joy. He didn’t have time to dwell on it, because the front door swung open, and his mother stepped out onto the deck. Looking as impeccable as ever, with her silvery-white hair swept into a neat chignon and wearing white linen pants with a sea-blue tunic, she held her arms out to welcome them.
“Brad! It’s so good to see you! Damien’s just ducked out, but he’ll be back soon. And who’s this little fellow?” She peered into the carrier.
“I’ll explain when we’re inside.” He moved the carrier aside so he wouldn’t bump her legs as he leaned down and placed a kiss on her cheek. “And, I’d like you to meet Hannah.”
He couldn’t help but smile as his mother pulled Hannah into an embrace. “It’s so lovely to meet you. Sophie’s told me all about you.” She looked pointedly at Brad as though to remind him that he hadn’t mentioned Hannah, before turning and ushering them inside. “How was the trip?”
“Not too bad.” He lowered to the couch and placed Jarrod on the floor between his and Hannah’s feet. “It will be good when they finish the roadworks.”
“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? It adds at least an extra twenty minutes.” His mother carried a tray loaded with refreshments from the kitchen and placed it on the coffee table. “So, who’s this little fellow?” Handing them both a glass of water, she peered into the carrier.
Brad ran a hand over his thigh, wiping what felt like a gallon of sweat from his palm. “This is Jarrod.” He darted a gaze at Hannah who stilled his hand and gave a gentle squeeze along with an encouraging smile.
Remnants of the Heart (Winds of Change Book 3) Page 11