“I wanted to see your face. You thought you could hurt me, that I would be lost without you, but I’m not. I have Portia now, and she is everything you weren’t,” he spat, his spiteful words spurting out like venom, “and now you have nothing.”
Emma looked at him thoughtfully, suddenly understanding how vulnerable he actually was, driven by his own insecurity. Maybe he always had been.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Andrew. You’re wrong about that. I never thought you would be lost without me. I simply knew that I was lost when I was with you,” she whispered, knowing her words would fall on deaf ears.
He shook his head slowly, allowing a sardonic smile to bloom across his face. His reaction spoke volumes to her. He would never take any ownership for his part in the breakdown of their marriage, that was certain, Emma thought. Not that it mattered anymore, he would always and forever blame her for everything, shame her for leaving. That’s why he was there that day.
“I wish you well, Andrew,” she offered kindly, and she truly meant it, “best wishes to you and Portia.”
She stood up and walked around her desk, signaling him to take his leave. He sat for a moment longer, looking at her flatly, his expression cold and menacing. Although it totally went against the grain, she forced herself to maintain eye contact with him. Finally, he stood up and took a few steps toward her. Out of habit, she stepped back, out of harm’s way. He snorted at her, then turned and walked to the door.
“We aren’t over, you and I, we have some karma to work through,” he grinned, turning around to look at her. She shook her head slowly back and forth, unclear of his intention or meaning. She didn’t care to press him further.
“Christ, you’ll never make anyone happy,” and as though satisfied with the last word, he laughed cruelly, and walked out the door.
Chapter 16
“Fuck him, Mimi,” Luke exploded, “You can make yourself happy, and that’s good enough. Who the fuck does he think he is?”
Emma watched him pace back and forth in front of her, his anger palpable. She didn’t want to tell him about the confrontation with Andrew but when Luke called her 30 minutes earlier, she had been sitting in her car in the parking lot at work in the throws of a breakdown.
Andrew’s words had stung her, feeding into every insecurity she had. Those when she was married to him, and new ones that she had been cultivating since their divorce. She grieved for the relationship she dreamed of having with him, the fairy-tale marriage promised to her and the children never meant to be. And now Portia was going to be the mother of what should have been her child, the one Andrew said he wasn’t ready for. She had kept it together until the end of her shift but as soon as she buckled her seatbelt, her tears spilled out of her in an ugly, no holds barred cry.
That’s when Luke called. She blurted it all out, sobbing stupidly into the phone, snot and tears soaking her blouse. It was not a pretty sight but it was the first time she had really let herself cry since the divorce. He just listened patiently, chiming in every now with “It’s ok, it’s ok”. Once her wails turned into breathy sobs, he told her to go home, that he would be waiting. True to his word, he was there when she arrived.
“Don’t take it personally. That little shit has been indulged his whole life, handed everything he ever wanted on a silver fucking platter. He’s incapable of processing disappointment. It’s a foreign concept that turns him into a petulant man-child,” Luke explained, waving his hands in the air to punctuate his opinion.
Emma considered his words and had to admit they made sense. She knew all that really, but it was always good to hear it from someone else. She wiped away her tears, wondering just how awful she looked at that moment.
“Don’t let him shake you, Mimi, that’s what he wanted,” he continued. “You divorced him for good reasons. Portia can have him. As far as I’m concerned, that bitch deserves him. I never trusted her. I know she was your friend but her loyalty was never with you.”
“It was with Andrew,” Emma whispered, nodding her head.
“Nope, it was with herself. She always was the opportunist, out for number one,” Luke observed, sitting down beside her. Emma took his hand and smiled, grateful he was with her, saying the things she would never say. He squeezed her fingers gently and smiled.
“Christ, you’re a mess. You’ve got mascara all over your face,” he chuckled, using his free thumb to wipe off her cheek. Unsuccessful, he brought his thumb to his mouth to moisten it and raised it to her face again.
“Gross,” Emma giggled, turning her head away, “keep your DNA off of me!”
Luke laughed and pulled her towards him, teasing her with his damp digit.
“Stop,” she laughed, gently pushing him back, “I’ll wash it off myself. I don’t know where that thumb has been.”
He shrugged and released his grip, an impish smile forming on his face. “Oh, you don’t want to know where it’s been, trust me,” he laughed, slapping her backside as she stood up. Emma lurched herself away, just out of his reach, enjoying the playful exchange.
“Ew, whatever. You whore.”
“Nah, I never accept payment for my services,” he quipped, sitting back on the couch, obviously pleased with himself.
Emma walked away smiling, forgetting just how heartbroken she had been only minutes earlier. She made her way into the bathroom to look at her reflection in the mirror. She was shocked by how damaged she looked, her eyes raccooned by her mascara, her face heavy with anguish. She turned on the hot water and washed her face, cleansing away all evidence of her grief.
“Get changed, we’re going out!” Luke suddenly yelled from the living room. “And put on something sexy, you need to get laid.”
Emma poked her head out the bathroom door and stared at him, waiting for him to look up and see her. When he finally did, she blurted, “are you serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious. You’ve waited long enough and now is as good a time as any,” he insisted, raising himself from the sofa and walking over to her.
Emma bit her lip, considering exactly how she felt about his suggestion. While she was ready to consummate her divorce, the thought of it terrified her. She had just been through the emotional ringer, and the last thing she wanted was to doll herself up and go out to a bar, hoping to find a man. And what if no one wanted her? She was far too vulnerable for rejection at the moment. Her encounter with Andrew that day had stirred up too many emotional landmines, painful memories of all the times he criticized her lovemaking, chastised her skills, demeaned her. What if he had been right?
“You look terrified, Mimi. What is it?” Luke asked, approaching her cautiously. She shook her head, her teeth biting into her bottom lip, dangerously close to tears again.
“I can’t, Luke. I’m a mess,” she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest.
“So just put on some makeup and change your clothes. You clean up nice, I’ve seen it,” he teased, rubbing her shoulders gently.
“It’s not that. I’m just...I don’t think...I’m just not up to it tonight. Sorry...”
“It’s okay,” he cooed, pulling her into a hug, “we’ll stay in and watch a movie. You pick. It can even be a chick flick if you want.”
She looked up at him with an expression that conveyed both gratitude and surprise. “Really? You’ll watch a chick flick with me? I must be worse than I thought!”
“Shut up before I change my mind,” he quipped, pulling her closer. He kissed her sloppily on the top of her head. “Go throw on some jammies. I’ll make us some hot chocolate.”
“Ooh, with mini marshmallows?” she teased, referencing the naughty conversation they had only a month earlier.
“Easy tiger,” he snickered, gently urging her down the hallway.
Chapter 17
They were about thirty minutes into the movie, Mimi curled up beside him, her head resting on his chest. Like him, Luke could tell that she wasn’t really enjoying the film but it offered a little white noise to dro
wn out her thoughts, and definitely served to relax them both a little more. The moment he sat down on the sofa with her he felt the tension leave his body, as it always did. It was as though his cells knew long before his brain did, that this was his safe place to land.
He knew her confidence had been shaken that day and it pissed him off. She was just starting to feel stronger, take a more commanding role in her own life, and as if Andrew knew it, he slithered his way back in to pull her down a peg or two. He knew exactly which buttons to push too, the little fucker. How dare he threaten her like that. He would never let him hurt her again.
Emma sighed and shifted her body to face him. Her expression was tight, worried even. She looked like she had something to say but shrugged her shoulders instead and looked away.
“What?” Luke prodded gently, encouraging her to face him again. He knew she was struggling with something.
“Nothing,” she lied, her eyes dropping to her lap.
“Bullshit,” he objected, his fingers raising her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. She was never good at hiding her feelings.
“You’re going to think it’s stupid. Forget it...”
“Probably, but tell me anyway,” he grinned, trying to pull the words from her in the only way he knew how, with humor. She offered him a half-hearted smile and shrugged again.
“Mimi, tell me.”
“The reason I didn’t want to go out tonight, the reason I have been so afraid to actually meet someone, to be intimate with someone...” she whispered, her voice trailing off as though she were pushing through her vulnerability. Luke waited patiently, nodding for her to continue. She sighed again. “I don’t think I’m very good in bed,” she admitted sourly, as though ashamed of herself. “I know that Andrew never seemed to enjoy it much, and to be honest, neither did I.”
“Can’t say that surprises me, but I highly doubt it had anything to do with you.”
“I don’t know,” she pouted, breaking eye contact again, “I always felt like I should be doing more, you know, to make him more interested but I just didn’t know what to do.”
“Well in my experience, and we both know that’s extensive,” he teased, happy to see her smile, “a woman needs to feel safe in order to let go of her inhibitions. She needs to feel beautiful and desired. Did Andrew make you feel those things?”
Emma shook her head slowly but her expression didn’t look convinced. “No, but I think there was more to it...,” she sighed.
“He never liked oral sex, I mean offering it. We tried on occasion, early on in our marriage, but he would just make these little comments like he hated the taste or that it was too messy. It just made me feel so insecure, like maybe there was something wrong with me,” she continued.
Luke snorted derisively and shook his head, “I promise there’s nothing wrong with you, Mimi, that was about him and his hang-ups. I’m assuming he didn’t mind receiving blowjobs though, right?”
“Well, no. He seemed to enjoy that. Sometimes that was all he wanted. He said it took the edge off, and for the most part, it did. He would fall asleep right after,” she admitted, her voice thick with sadness. “There were times, in the early years, that he would wake up the next morning and apologize for drifting off, but those last few years he didn’t seem to care anymore whether or not I got any joy from our lovemaking.”
“Jesus,” Luke said, “that’s brutal.”
“I just assumed that he was growing tired of me. Maybe that’s the norm in marriage?”
“God, I hope not. Maybe he was just a lousy lay. Did that ever cross your mind?” Luke asked, his brows raising.
“I thought about that, but the truth is, I had a hard time reaching an orgasm when we had sex. I think it really frustrated him. After a while, he just seemed to give up trying,” Emma offered quietly, as though the admission was painful.
She sat back on the sofa with her eyes looking up at the ceiling. Luke took in her words for a moment, trying to find the right thing to say, anything to make her feel better. She deserved so much more than the shit Andrew gave her. The man was so self-centered and weak, always using Mimi to stroke his own pathetic ego, never once considering her feelings. The stories Mimi shared over the years about their marriage, and the way Andrew treated her made his skin crawl, and yet she had always defended him, holding out hope that things would improve. She wanted it to, he knew that. She wanted to build a good life with that douche-bag and he would throw her little tidbits of hope to string her along, keep her on the hook, before pulling the rug out from under her, again and again.
“You are capable of climaxing, right?” Luke asked, speaking very softly. She looked at him curiously but said nothing. He smiled warmly and continued, “What I mean is, you’ve had orgasms, you know your body is capable of pleasure, right?”
She nodded at him but did not smile. “Yes, of course, but I have never had an orgasm during intercourse, not once. I’m not sure I can. Can I be honest with you about something?”
“Of course,” Luke nodded, waiting for her to continue.
“The only time I’ve ever cum, aside from um...taking care of myself...was last month, with Lorenzo, during that massage.”
“What are you saying? That Andy never brought you to orgasm?” Luke blurted, failing miserably to hide his frustration.
Emma shook her head slowly, “maybe it is me.”
“No, it is not you. It’s variable,” Luke insisted, anxious to ease her mind.
“What do you mean?”
“Like I said, most women need nurturing. They aren’t robots you can just switch on and off. They need a lot of fluffing, you know? Romance, stimulation, imagination, security, encouragement, validation, playfulness. These are important things,” he explained, his grin promising that he knew what he was talking about.
“Coming from the one-night-stand king?” Emma teased, poking him in the ribs.
“Well, I’ve had a few relationships, if you recall, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s one night or something else, when I’m with a woman I go to great lengths to make sure that she’s getting just as much out of it as I am,” he retorted.
“I’m sorry, I’m just kidding,” Emma assured, touching his leg lightly.
“I know you are, but I’m serious,” he continued. “It’s true, I’ve hooked up with the occasional woman that just wants a thorough shagging but believe it or not, that’s not my favorite. I like heating a woman up, getting into a groove with her, you know? There’s something carnal about watching her sensuality unfolding in front of you, knowing it’s because of the way you’re touching her, tasting her, and then seeing her eyes glaze over while she writhes under your tongue. Fuck! Bringing a woman to orgasm is half the fun. There’s nothing hotter than listening to a woman cum knowing it’s because of you,” Luke boasted, sitting proudly back on the couch. He was getting aroused just thinking about it.
“Wow,” Emma mumbled, looking at him thoughtfully.
“Yeah. So, you see what I mean? Have you ever been fluffed like that?”
Emma answered way too quickly, “absolutely not.”
“Variables, my friend. Too many of them missing from your life. You need to find someone who considers your pleasure just as important as their own.”
“I guess that’s what worries me. What if I don’t ever find that? What if I put myself out there and meet another guy like Andrew?” Emma considered, her words laced with concern.
“Unlikely.”
“Why is it unlikely?”
“Because I won’t let that happen,” Luke insisted confidently. He took her hand in his and squeezed her fingers, hoping to reassure her.
“Well I appreciate your confidence Luke, but I still feel anxious about it. You can understand why I’m so apprehensive, can’t you?” she asked, cocking her head to the side. She waited for a response, hoping for some sort of validation, he assumed.
He did understand her concerns, of course he did. He would probably feel the same way unde
r the circumstances. Christ, after his little Puerto Rican dropped the bomb that she was married he had trust issues, and that was just a little surge compared to the tsunami of lies and manipulation that Mimi had endured during her marriage.
“I do understand, Mimi. But you can’t worry about that, it will just hold you back and you were held back by Andy for too long. Don’t do that to yourself,” Luke advised, knowing she needed to take a chance but also afraid she wouldn’t if she let her insecurities drive her decisions.
Mimi considered his words for several moments, a small worry line prominent between her pretty eyes. Luke smiled warmly at her, waiting for her to speak, unsure what more he could do to console her.
“You’re right,” she finally replied, sighing heavily.
“Of course, I always I am,” he smirked, pulling a smile out of her.
“You dick,” she giggled, pushing him playfully away.
“What?” he blurted innocently, teasing her with his eyes.
“I guess I just let him into my head today, but I refuse to rent out that space to him anymore. If I do, I’m only sabotaging myself, right?”
“Right.”
“And that’s what he wants?” she said, her words more a question than a statement.
“Yes.”
“Just because we didn’t make each other happy doesn’t mean that I won’t make someone else happy...”
“Or that someone won’t move mountains to make you happy,” Luke concluded, wanting her to finally come to the conclusion that she deserved a loving, balanced partnership. She didn’t have to do all the work, in spite of what Andy made her believe.
“Thanks, Luke,” she offered genuinely, melting into his hug. He pulled her close and inhaled deeply, breathing in her sweet scent, happy he was there to talk her off the ledge. “You’re such a good friend. What the hell would I do without you?”
Luke shook his head, wondering the same thing, “you keep saying that...”
“Because I mean it. I love you,” she smiled, hugging him tightly. He closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head, enjoying the easy intimacy they shared, maybe just a little too much.
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