by Alexis Bass
“For what it’s worth—please, Collins,” Theo says. “You only want Anastasia to date Stewart because you need an excuse to talk to Jasper.”
I do nothing but let my mouth hang open at this very accurate accusation. I hate that I’m transparent to Theo—to all of them.
“Really, Collins,” Theo continues, “no matter how much you inch your way closer to him using Anastasia and Stewart, he’s simply not the guy for you—and it has nothing to do with you, like I’ve told you before and you’ve probably noticed by now. And I know you know about him and Rob—the last person he was with—so you get that Jasper’s not really that into dating. He’s into his Dartmouth acceptance and keeping up his grade point average and playing lacrosse in the spring and not much else. Stick to Sebastian.”
This last sentiment about Sebastian feels like he’s saying, stick to shallow waters. Theo’s so convinced he’s right. He usually gives me the benefit of the doubt, and it’s not lost on me that he’d be giving me one now, with Jasper, if there were one to offer.
“I want Anastasia to date whomever will make her happy, and I happen to know that Stewart isn’t up to the job,” Theo says.
Lon Davies, a fourth year on the water polo team, calls to Theo from across the courtyard, motioning for him. Theo leaves to see what he wants.
“Sometimes you let him boss you around,” Ariel says to Anastasia.
“But he’s right.” Anastasia shrugs. “Stewart isn’t a good match for me. Theo gets it because he knows me better than anyone. And because of Jasper, he knows Stewart.”
We sit quietly until Ariel bites into her pita chip and emits a loud crunch.
“It’s true what he said about Jasper, too, you know,” Anastasia says to me. “You want to be with someone more fun anyway, don’t you? Like Sebastian.”
I nod, fake smile. Right.
There’s a noticeable tension in the air now as we eat lunch without our usual chatter, glancing occasionally a few tables away to see if Theo might be coming back to join us. In a way, I feel closer to them than ever, that they’re comfortable enough to bicker with me the way they do with each other. Especially Theo.
As I make my way to my next class, I pass Jasper in the hallway, but he doesn’t even register me. Like I’m still no one to him, and soon I’ll be less than that now that Anastasia has decided she’s not going to pursue Stewart.
I can’t count on either of them, not Jasper, not Anastasia. All I can do is use what access I’ve already been granted.
That evening, I skip out early for dinner and visit the business center. I print out the photo I have a scan of on cardstock. On the back of it, I print a copy of the nondisclosure agreement with Theo’s signature.
And that night, when it’s my turn to enter the storage room to make a drop, I put what I made inside the box along with another pair of white gold earrings shaped like rosebuds. Earrings recognizable as mine, as I’ve worn them many, many times.
We play Spades, and I lose. I keep losing. Distracted, I guess—even though I know I’ve done the right thing. The quickest way to find out about a secret is to shine a light on it in front of those who might understand its worth. A spark of fear can go a long way, and what I’ve done has the potential to release a quiet inferno.
Sixteen
As I’m changing after field hockey practice the next day, I get a notification that my test score in calculus has been posted. Per usual, I feel a thrill of excitement. My first big test score. Up until now, it’s been only quizzes. Typically, I never do as badly as I think I did on a test, and seeing the grade comes with a wave of relief. And if I’m being honest, I’m often Jasper levels of pleased with myself and my ability to rock tests even when I feel unsure about the material.
When I open the results, they’re not good. Not good at all. Oh no. There is no relief. My breathing picks up—not in the good way. All I feel is dread.
C-.
The minus especially stings.
I try giving myself all the pep talks I know. It’s only one test. It’s the beginning of the year. You’ll have plenty of time to turn your grade around. It’s going to be fine.
But then I see the rest of my grades.
Oh NO.
I haven’t been stalking them like some of the other students do because not all teachers stay up to date anyway. Here they are, all up to date.
All unacceptable. In fact, I’m barely maintaining the average I need to keep my place at Rutherford. I launch into a full-on panic. I walk around the room shaking out my hands, trying to calm myself. I try breathing in for four counts and out for four counts.
If I get kicked out, that will screw everything up.
I have to shift focus. I can’t be as carefree as Anastasia and Theo and Ariel. I can’t be so free with my time, so social. I can’t be flirting with Sebastian on the side. I’m not used to it here yet and I’m falling behind. Now I need to catch up. It’s the most important thing.
This dark cloud of horrible possibility follows me around through the weekend. It haunts my dreams and intrudes on my days. A steady beating of you’re not good enough. A swirl of questions asking why I ever thought I would be.
To make matters worse, I’m called into Dr. Libby’s office, where he tells me I’ll need to really apply myself if I want to stay. I say, “Yes, I understand” as he reiterates how I’m not keeping up.
On Wednesday, I skip breakfast to catch up on homework and spend lunch doing my assignment for contemporary writing before it’s due in fourth period, and then I don’t allow myself time to get a snack between school letting out and field hockey practice because I spend an inordinate amount of time in Ms. Simmons’s office hours listening to her re explain the latest number theory lesson—something I still don’t fully grasp in relation to how she wants us to complete the assigned project. And I can’t rely on my usual I think I’ve got this mentality anymore. No more skimming, no more guessing, no more last-minute, this is probably fine essays.
During field hockey practice, I feel my energy running low. My head is dizzy, and my stomach is gurgling from being full of water and not much else. We’re finishing up the second set of drills when I pull away to the sidelines and vomit the gallons of water I’d downed trying to stave off my wooziness onto the perfectly trimmed grass. I expect Coach Steger will want me to shake it off and finish practice. But she says, “That’s enough for you, Pruitt. Hit the showers.”
I pretend to be disappointed. Really—now that the initial embarrassment is over—I’m elated with relief. I could use the extra time to read the chapter on Cold War fallout in Austria.
As I round the corner to the girls’ locker room, I feel it again, that intense nausea that indicates I’m going to be sick. I approach the garbage can at the side of the building, knowing I won’t make it inside to the bathroom like a civilized person in time, but it’s got a slot opening and would require me to stick my head in the trash to successfully get my vomit water into the can. The idea alone has me puking into the grass.
“Oh—shit,” says a familiar voice behind me.
Great. Thankfully this vomit is the least offensive kind of vomit. But still. Not something I want anyone to witness. Especially not the person standing before me with perfectly messy curls and holding his shin guards and a bottle of water. He’s sweating in a way that makes him glisten, and why does sweat make me look like a wet rat but make him look like he’s about to do a shoot for Calvin Klein?
“Hello, Jasper.” I wipe off my chin.
“Are you … okay?”
“Of course.”
He stands there with that incredulous expression, like either I’m such a wreck that he can’t look away or he’s waiting for the real answer.
“I pushed myself a little too hard during practice,” I say. “That’s all.”
“You look pretty pale. Like, not a normal pale.”
“It’s nothing. It will all be fool.” Fool. The word that came out when I accidentally combined fine and c
ool. This normally only happens when Daiki is around, so something must be very wrong. I’m feeling light-headed now. A little woozy.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Jasper doesn’t like weak girls. He likes strong girls. The kind of girls that could lead him in an overview and revolutionize the field of medicine. Not the kind that are caught barfing because they were irresponsible and missed meals.
He hands me his water bottle. “You need this.” Then he disappears into the locker room. I sit on the ground and sip the water. It tastes amazing. You wouldn’t think I’d be so keen on water given all the water-vomiting, but vomiting also dehydrates a person, so it’s a vicious cycle. Jasper appears again, this time carrying a protein bar. I frown when he holds it out for me. Chewy faux peanut-buttery chocolate is the last thing I want to eat. But I can’t let him see that I’m too sick for even a protein bar, the kind intended to replenish. As soon as I take the first bite, I realize it was exactly what I needed—maybe the best thing I’ve ever tasted.
“Thank you,” I say, practically a moan, my mouth full.
He smiles. Not enough so that I can see his teeth. But there it is. He’s pleased with himself. He waits as I finish, not making it awkward, but staring out at the forest beyond the fields, like he’s enjoying the view or something.
“Don’t you have to get back to practice?”
He shakes his head and shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ll explain what happened.”
I frown. Not exactly great for my personal reputation at this school. “Do you have to?”
The smile gets a little bigger. “I won’t specify it was you.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I take the last swallow of his protein bar and finish off his water, and miraculously, I do feel better. Still a little unsteady, but not like I’m going to fall over or get sick again.
He reaches out his hand when I attempt to stand. I pretend I don’t notice and get up without his help.
“Sorry for drinking all your water.”
“It’s fine, Collins. We all have those days.”
“Really?”
He shrugs. “Maybe at first. It can be hard here when you’re not used to it.”
“So I’ll get used to it and one day it won’t be so bad, is what you’re saying?” Getting a compliment—a simple note of encouragement, even—from this guy is like squeezing water from a stone.
He shrugs again. I wait. “You’ll get used to it, or you won’t and you’ll go home.”
So much for encouragement. He’s nothing but blunt honesty. I think of what he said to me during the overview about the concepts being very basic, the way he seemed put out when I asked questions. “Your faith in me is flattering. It really is.” I cut around the corner on my way to the girls’ locker room.
“Wait—” Jasper says.
But I do not wait. What’s good about Jasper? He helps me but looks down on me for needing said help. He rescues me with water and protein but sees me as not being strong enough—or strong at all. Not cut out for this place. If he knew I was on academic probation and about to fail, would he even be surprised? Would he be able to see that I’m doing what it takes to stay here and doing what I came here to do? Even if getting him vulnerable seems impossible, the way you can’t expect a vampire to fear death. I’ve managed to infiltrate Theo’s inner circle, and that is something. It has to be.
I shower and change quickly in the locker room. I don’t want to face the rest of the girls when they finish practice. I leave out the same entrance I came in, because that’s the one that isn’t visible from the practice fields. Jasper’s still there, waiting for me.
Not knowing what to say, I can only shrug at him. Why did he wait? Is he worried about me? Is he upset that I snapped at him? Is it that important that he clear things up between us even though we are barely close acquaintances?
“You have my water bottle,” he says.
Oh. I pull it out of my bag and give it to him. I do not look at him.
I walk up the hill to the girls’ dormitory. I crawl into bed. I only leave to get dinner, but I don’t eat in the cafeteria. I stay in my room and study. I go to bed at the required eleven o’clock. When my alarm vibrates at five minutes to 1:00 a.m., I’m startled. I’d forgotten. Tonight is the exchange. Tonight, I’ll see how valuable my information is to Theo. To all of them.
Seventeen
When we enter the tunnel room, the chandelier is already lit up. Anastasia, Ariel, and I are the last to arrive. Anastasia is grinning like crazy as we get started. She’s so excited she can hardly stand still. My nerves are rattled, imagining what will happen when people start choosing their prizes and notice the extra item I placed in the box.
Jasper presents the box. Stewart brings up the scores on his phone.
“Anastasia was the winner this time,” Stewart announces proudly. “Très bon.”
She releases some of her sealed excitement and lets out a squeal.
“Beginner’s luck,” Theo says, but he’s smiling like he’s happy for her.
Anastasia wiggles her fingers as she peers into the box. She bites down on her lip. She squints. Her brow furrows as she looks up. Has she noticed it? She looks at Theo.
“There are two keys in here,” she says. She turns to Joyce. “Which set is the one we talked about?”
Kiara shakes her head. “You don’t get to ask questions about the prizes. Just choose.”
Anastasia glances around, waiting to see if anyone will object to this. When no one does, she lets out a whiny moan. She chews on her lower lip as she peers into the box, shifting from one foot to another as she debates what to take.
“There should be a time limit,” Jasper says.
“Seriously,” Ariel says. “Do it already.”
Anastasia reaches in fast, like she risks getting bitten by a snake at the bottom of the box, and comes up with two gold keys.
She faces Joyce. Joyce nods; she looks down. Anastasia lets out a cheer and leaps to hug me since I’m closest to her even though I don’t know what’s got her so excited.
“Keys to the Manhattan penthouse Joyce’s family is selling,” she announces to the group.
“She’s giving you her family’s penthouse?” Rand from the water polo team says, his mouth dropping open.
“No,” Joyce says quickly. “Only for the weekend after Thanksgiving.”
Anastasia spins the keys on her forefinger. “I love New York in the fall.”
“Rand, you’re next,” Stewart says.
Rand doesn’t hesitate. He comes back with the other set of keys. He holds them up. “What do these get me?”
“My family’s house in the Hamptons,” Kiara says. “You can use it anytime before May.”
Rand is ecstatic. He does an embarrassing little dance in celebration.
Kiara smiles at Joyce, who bashfully smiles back. I can feel Anastasia festering next to me, watching them, knowing now that she did not get the best possible deal, even though Joyce’s keys were the ones she was after from the start.
“Is your family being forced to sell off all their property, too, Kiara?” Anastasia says. Retaliation.
Joyce’s eyes fall to the floor. Kiara glares at Anastasia.
“What?” Stewart says to Anastasia, who’s standing next to him. Across the circle, Daiki’s mouth drops open.
“We’re selling a lot of our things,” Joyce says, still not looking at anyone.
“Joyce, you don’t have to explain—” Theo starts.
“No, it’s okay.” Joyce looks up. “It’ll be all over the news soon anyway. There have been some charges against my father. We’re having to sell some of our assets.”
“Charges for embezzlement,” Anastasia says. Her voice is low enough that Stewart and I can hear her, but I’m not sure those across the room can. Theo is only two people away and gives her a look like he doesn’t approve. “And possession of cocaine,” Anastasia whispers. St
ewart rewards her for this information by giving a small gasp.
“A little bird told me,” she continues. “Joyce’s cousin Felicity. I went to camp with her three summers ago.” I remember last month after the exchange, when Anastasia ran to catch up with Joyce. I think of how she convinced me to put in my diamond earrings and wonder what she said to persuade Joyce to include the keys to her family’s home in New York.
“You really are a treasure trove of secrets, aren’t you?” Stewart says to Anastasia.
“Who’s next?” Theo says.
“You are.” Stewart nods toward him.
I watch as Theo gazes into the box. I hold my breath. What will he do when he sees the photo he’s not supposed to talk about? Will he take it before any of the others have the chance to see it? He reaches into the box and comes out with a pair of designer cuff links.
Jasper is next to choose a prize. He’d know about the NDA, wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t he at least recognize the photo of his brother? Jasper pulls out a black stainless-steel watch.
Ariel goes next. Would she know Theo’s secret? She walks away with a sapphire ring.
Stewart takes a signed hardcover of The Rules of Attraction. Kiara choses a vintage Louis Vuitton clutch. Daiki takes a pearl bracelet for his girlfriend, because of course he does. Sebastian chooses my earrings and winks at me. Ariel and Joyce roll their eyes almost in sync.
“Sorry, Collins,” Stewart says.
I realize that I am the only person left.
“What?” Shoot. “Really?” I knew I had a terrible game, but I hoped someone from the other groups had played worse. Jasper approaches me with the box. I look inside as I reach down to retrieve the prescription bottle of illicit drugs. The box is empty aside from that. Jasper. It’s his job to bring the box from the storage room to the exchange. He must know. He must’ve known, and he must’ve removed it.
My hand is trembling as I grasp the pills.