by Janine Marsh
When a grandad came into the bar with his young grandson, the waiter bent down to the four-year-old to take the order for his juice and Grandad’s beer as if he was the most important customer in the place. The old man and the young child sat on the long retro banquette and had an animated conversation, separated by seventy years but not noticing.
In came a perfectly coiffed and manicured woman of a certain age. The waiter kissed her on both cheeks, saying, ‘Ah, Anita … ma cherie’; the barman prepared a Kir royale without a word passing between him, the waiter and the elegant Anita. I couldn’t help thinking how much I longed to be French in that effortless, sophisticated, elegant way that French women have.
I wandered up to the bar and one of the waiters said, ‘Ah, I know you: The Good Life France. I know your website.’ It was one of the most surreal moments. ‘I am Franck,’ he said, ‘from the tourist office. I am just helping my friend Grégoire who owns Le Fireman as he’s so busy today.’ We kissed on the cheek, and just like that, I felt as though my dream had come true.
Life’s not always about great monuments, it’s about great moments – and feeling accepted by the place you’ve adopted as your new home. It was as if France had wrapped her arms around me and given me a hug of welcome.
CHAPTER 24
The end or, rather, the beginning
THERE IS A saying in this part of France that goes: Les gens du nord ont le soleil dans le coeur. The people in the north have the sun in their hearts. They need to, as it actually does rain rather often here. But it’s true: they are a very friendly lot, generous in spirit and welcoming. In fact, of all the places I’ve been to, I have never met a more hospitable or affable bunch of people, and the weather doesn’t get them down.
I’ve stood at the top of beautiful hilltop villages in Provence and dreamed of living there, knowing that the sun would come out to play most days. I’ve fallen in love with Burgundy and Champagne, with the Loire Valley and Honfleur, with Paris and Marseille. I’ve never seen so many awesome restaurants as there are in Lyon; Bordeaux left me sighing when I departed.
But, wherever I go, I’m always happy to return to the north of France despite the lack of predictable sunshine.
I’ve been made welcome by the people who live here and it feels like home. When the elderly brother of a neighbour was introduced to me he narrowed his eyes. ‘Are you from the south?’ he said. ‘You don’t sound local.’
‘No,’ I replied, thrilled to bits that he thought my French that good. ‘I’m English.’
‘English,’ he said, ‘not French.’ He paused and concluded philosophically, ‘Ah well, nobody is perfect.’
Whenever I come back from my travels, I push open the gate that squeaks like a frightened mouse and sets the dogs in the village off barking. My cats come bounding into the garden from sheds and outbuildings, from hedges and barns. My dogs woof a noisy welcome; Ella Fitzgerald wags her tail so much it’s like the rotors of a helicopter. The geese start honking, the chickens cluck and the ducks quack. Without fail, that last sound takes me right back to that very first day when, pulling up outside this old house on a cold, wet, grey and depressingly dismal day in February about ten years ago, the sun came out and I heard the sound of fate … and the start of a new life beckoned.
How to be a successful expat in France
THIRTY TIPS TO living the good life in France based on real life, and a tongue-in-cheek list to help would-be expats settle and fit in quickly.
1. Absinthe makes the mind go wander
Beware the friend who offers a glass of absinthe – water it down, drink it slow or you will wake up not knowing who you are or where you are. The French call absinthe la fée verte, which literally means ‘the green fairy’ – drink too much of it and you are likely to see green fairies in the bottom of the toilet bowl.
2. There’s something about Mairie
Always make friends with the mayor and his or her staff. The mayor can be helpful or not, but it is best to make sure. Some expats swear by giving the mayor a bottle of whisky when they move to their new home, but some French people view such currying favour as potentially suspicious and think you will want something from them. A French friend tells me you should never smile too much at the mayor (or at someone in an interview or meeting) because it’s almost certain they will suspect you have something to hide behind that grin.
3. A kiss is just a kiss
Kiss, don’t hug. On the whole, the French are not huggers and will be horrified if you throw your arms around them and pull them close against you – kissing them on the face up to four times is fine, though. It’s a mystery to foreigners how many times to kiss, and on what side to start. Actually, even French people get confused because in some regions you kiss once, others twice, three times, even four times. It also depends on who you’re kissing. For instance, you shouldn’t kiss your boss – unless he or she initiates the process. Elderly relatives generally get more kisses; men kiss if they are good friends or related. If you’re not sure, follow the lead of the French person you’re with. Two kisses is a safe bet, starting on the right!
4. Being late is fashionable
Never turn up to a party or dinner on time. You will find your host half dressed and irritated. Be at least fifteen minutes late and don’t apologize. Quite why French people don’t make the invite for the time they actually want you to arrive is not yet known.
5. Don’t wine
Never take a bottle of wine to a dinner party. Take flowers or chocolates. Some French people think if you take wine you are indicating that they don’t know how to choose the right wine for their guests.
6. I’m not piscine about
In French swimming pools, men are not allowed to wear swimming shorts. Instead, by law they must wear tight-fitting, clinging triangles of material. You had better pack your budgie smugglers if you want to go swimming here.
Apparently, it’s all about hygiene.
Yes, you read that right.
You have to wear teeny weeny body-hugging Speedo-style trunks to the pool in France because it’s more hygienic. ‘Ladies’ knickers’, my neighbour calls them, or, to give them their proper French name, slip de bain or un boxer.
According to the powers that be, you might wear your baggy swim shorts as normal shorts, and if you do they may pick up dust and dirt and suchlike. But, the clever and all powerful ones cunningly surmise, no man is going to wander around the dusty streets wearing his tiny, barely modesty-covering nylon horror pants, is he? So, when he puts them on to enter the pristine waters of a public pool, they will be clean. I can only assume they have not visited the beaches of the south of France where barely there pants are much in evidence both off and on the beaches. I can sort of understand the hygiene aspects but we all know that little kids wee in the pool, so it’s really rather a moot point to worry about a bit of dust on a pair of trunks.
In fact, this is a law harking back to 1903 when longer swimming shorts were banned by the government and, despite this rather tricky subject being raised numerous times in parliament for an update, so far it’s a firm ‘non’.
If you do manage to make it into the pool in your normal non-Speedo swimming attire – beware. Sirens will go off, lights will flash, crack squads of lifeguards will hunt you down and haul you out. Well, maybe not lights and sirens but it will almost certainly result in the swimming attendant blowing a whistle, shouting at you and then, if you ignore it, trying to fish you out with a hook.
If all the men in the pool looked like Daniel Craig in his spray-on trunks, women onlookers wouldn’t mind, but, by and large, this isn’t the case. I love France, I love the people, but some rules are quite strange to me and that is definitely one of them.
7. I’m not telling porkies
You will never find a pig named Napoleon in France; it is against the law.
8. Paul the other one
If you live next door to a Frenchman called Paul, and another neighbour tells you that the villagers have a
pet name for him that sounds like Popaul, never ever say it aloud. It means ‘dick’. Yes. I did. My neighbour Paul now does not speak to me.
9. No name calling
If you give birth in France you won’t be allowed to call your child Fraise (the French word for strawberry) or anything deemed weird that is considered ‘contrary to the child’s interest’ and may encourage excessive teasing. When officially registering a baby’s name, the registrar has the power to question the parents’ choice if he or she is not happy with it. I kid you not. They’re not allowed to just say, ‘Oh you can’t call her Marie, I’ve always hated that name’, but if they think a name might ‘disadvantage’ a child in later life or in the school playground, they can bring it to the attention of the courts and it has to be ruled on. In fact, up until 1993 parents in France had to choose a name for their baby from a long list of acceptable ‘prenoms’ laid out by authorities.
In 2014 French courts backed a registrar who rejected the name Nutella as a suitable name for a girl. In 2010 a couple of fanatical Michael Jackson fans wanted to call their son MJ, but this too was rejected by the courts who didn’t find it a Thriller of a moniker.
The Nutella case was a great source of amusement for the villagers where I live, and there was lots of laughter in the bar as people tried to think of good names to call babies to annoy registrars and officials – some of which are actually real names of celebrity children in the UK and US. It was agreed by unanimous vote that Monsieur Foyard would from now on be known as Monsieur Coin Coin, which means ‘quack quack’, since he waddles home from the bar after a glass or two of pastis.
10. Beat the system
If you want to do something at a council office, for instance pay a tax bill, or request information about planning permits, make an 11.30 a.m. appointment or get there at 11 a.m. and queue. Nothing makes a bureaucrat miss his or her lunch. Noon is sacred – one must have a two-hour lunch break. Nobody knows what happens if they don’t take a full two hours – they’ve never tried it.
11. The customer isn’t always right
Don’t expect shops to be open from midday until 2 p.m. when you are on your lunch break. The shop is not open for your convenience.
12. Get a word in edgeways
There is no such thing as talking too much in France. French people revere the written and spoken word and will never use one when five hundred will do. I recently went to a jazz concert in Le Touquet with an audience of several hundred. The person at the tourist office whose idea it was to book the act made a ten-minute speech about what jazz is before the musicians came on stage. The largely French audience listened politely and applauded with enthusiasm while the British contingent went to sleep.
13. It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it
Never ever tell your French neighbours that you moved to France because it is cheaper than living in your home country. It will be considered deeply insulting. The fact is there is most likely always somewhere else you can buy an even cheaper property, so it’s unlikely to be just about money. If you tell a French person you moved there because you love the way of life, they will be much more accepting of you. I made the mistake of telling my neighbour that I could never have afforded the house and land I have in France if I was still in the UK; he has never forgiven me. These days I talk about how I appreciate the French love of tradition and culture, their patriotism and love of good food and wine, how I can go to a different market every day of the week and buy seasonal goods – and that’s the truth of it.
This is what happens when you do it wrong. The person you told will narrow their eyes and nod slowly but say nothing. They will rush to tell everyone else in the village the news that a salop (arsehole) has moved into town.
14. Speedy Gonzalez
If you move to the countryside and need internet as a priority, you might want to check the internet service before you buy. In my village we have no mobile phone signal, and the internet goes on and off like a faulty light bulb and when it does work is so slow that it sometimes takes an hour to download a five-minute video. When I spoke to our internet provider and asked for advice they helpfully suggested I move to a town with a fast internet service.
15. Pay the postie
French postmen and women will offer to sell you a rather unattractive post office calendar at Christmas. It’s up to you how much you offer. When I asked my postwoman she said, ‘As you wish.’ Take my advice and give at least 5 euros or your post might be delayed. If, like me, you offer a 20 euro note and expect change, don’t. Your friendly postie will hot foot it down the path but you will get a great service for the rest of the year.
16. I get by with a little help from my friends
It’s fine to be friends with expats AND French people at the same time! Some expats think it’s bad form to have expat friends – it’s not; a friend is a friend is a friend.
17. Don’t name drop
Don’t expect to be on first-name terms for a while. When you’re introduced it will often be as Monsieur or Madame this or that and you’re expected to call them that until they tell you to call them by their first name.
18. Chez nous
Don’t expect to be offered a look round a French person’s house when you visit. It’s a particularly British thing that we offer visitors the chance to check out where we live, but in France this is definitely not de rigueur.
P. S. Don’t use the term ‘de rigueur’ in conversation with French people the way you do with English speakers – it doesn’t mean quite the same thing. Rather than being trendy it means mandatory.
19. Lend a helping hand
In the countryside be prepared to be a part of the community and live by their rules. We have helped dig potatoes in return for trays of plums and mended a roof in return for firewood. It is never discussed; we never expect anything, helping each other out is normal.
20. The best things in life are free
Volunteering is a great way to make friends and become a part of the community. Whether it’s helping out at an animal refuge or a local school or charity, it will go a long way to helping you fit in.
21. No Blazing Saddles, please
Don’t give your French friends baked beans; they will be forever convinced that you have no taste whatsoever.
22. Bringing the bread home
Don’t hand someone a loaf of bread upside down, or put it on the table upside down. It’s said to invite hunger into the house.
23. Like a bat out of hell
Singing at Halloween will create stormy weather, apparently. According to some French people anyway. If you must sing, do it quietly and not in full view of suspicious locals.
24. Mack the Knife
You must never give a French friend a knife as a gift. They first have to give you a coin so that they ‘buy’ it from you, therefore saving your friendship from being ‘cut’.
25. Water way to carry on
In France it is considered bad luck to cross a stream carrying a cat. If this is something you really feel a need to do, try to do it out of sight of your neighbours, at least.
26. Don’t make a fosse about it
It’s not uncommon in the French countryside to have a septic tank – many homes are not connected to mains sewage. There are legal requirements about emptying the tank, such as who does it (they must be authorized) and since 2009 they must provide you with a certificate that the job has been done. When buying a house, ask the seller for proof that the septic tank has been emptied and push the estate agent to get more information about when the tank was installed and that it complies with regulations. In my experience, some estate agents and notaires (the equivalent of conveyancing lawyers) gloss over what is a bit of a grey area. Try to get them to confirm in writing that whatever property you’re buying complies with current requirements – installing a new septic tank will set you back at least 8,000 euros and will mean a lot of upheaval.
27. Some like it hot
Always think about putting in h
eating at the beginning of the project when you’re renovating a French house. It may seem really romantic when you buy a house with log fires, but this soon wears off when you have to keep cutting and carrying in wood. When it’s snowing or very cold you will soon discover you get through your wood pile at a rate of knots. It’s quite a physical requirement to chop, store and load and then keep replenishing supplies indoors – especially if you’re a bit older. Also, if you’re out for the day in winter, you will return to a cold house. If you still want a wood fire, consider additional heating for those really cold times when you need a booster.
28. It’s all an act
The day you buy a house you need to sign paperwork called the acte authentique – but you can get someone to stand as your proxy if you’re not able to do it. I’d recommend you try to make sure you can do it yourself and go to check the house beforehand on the day of the signing. I’ve heard stories that sellers have removed doors, light switches and all sorts, but once you’ve signed the document, it’s too late to do anything about it. You can stipulate beforehand if you want anything specifically covered. Our house had a rusty old caravan in the back garden and several old freezers were left behind that we had to get rid of, but we could have had a clause to ensure that the vendor disposed of them.
29. You know how to whistle, don’t you?
Don’t be afraid to visit the town hall and ask for advice – it’s what they’re there for and I’ve never ever heard that people went to a town hall and didn’t get advice. In fact, the French hate to say they don’t know something. I’ve had help explaining bills, finding an architect, getting planning permission and sorting out a tax bill I paid but couldn’t get the tax office to admit to. The town hall staff made phone calls, copies of bills and explained how we should handle things.