by Jeff Kinney
name to be something ORIGINAL.
We argued back and forth for a while about our
name, and I realized we weren’t gonna agree on
one. So we talked about how our flag should LOOK.
Rowley wanted our symbol to be a WOLF, but
I wanted something even fiercer than THAT, so
we’d scare kids off. I thought a bloody battle-axe
would do the trick, but of course Rowley didn’t
like that idea. So we compromised and put the two
things TOGETHER.
But when you add an axe and a wolf, you just get a
dead wolf, which isn’t gonna scare ANYONE.
We were going to start over and make a new
flag, but when I got another pillowcase, Mom
told us we needed to go back outside. So we got
on our snow gear and went to the empty lot.
The kids who wrecked our igloo had moved on to
other things, so me and Rowley had the empty
lot all to ourselves. We used the snow from the
igloo as a starting point, and made a fort that
could hold up to an attack.
166
After we were finished, we planted our flag on
top of the wall and WAITED.
I figured our fort might attract some attention,
but I didn’t realize just how MUCH. Within a
few minutes we had kids coming at us from every
DIRECTION.
We were COMPLETELY outgunned, and when
the kids rushed our fort, we had to ABANDON it.
167
When we got back to the house, we told Dad
what happened. But after we described our fort
to him, he said we did everything all WRONG.
He said we needed to build our fort on HIGH
ground so we could drive back our enemies.
Then Dad launched into a big history lesson on
castle warfare and all the things that people did
to defend themselves back in medieval times.
168
The stuff they did in the old days was totally
BRUTAL, and here’s just one example. When
invaders tried to climb the walls of a castle, the
people inside would pour boiling OIL on them.
I hope it doesn’t get to that level in our
neighborhood battles. But tonight, I added an
item to Mom’s grocery list just in case it DOES.
169
Sunday
It must’ve snowed another seven inches last
night, and the street was totally COVERED
when I woke up. I couldn’t even see the line
between our YARD and the ROAD.
I was kind of surprised the plow hadn’t come yet,
because when there’s THIS much snow, people
can’t even get their cars out of their driveways.
But when Dad came back from his morning walk,
I found out what was going on.
170
Dad said that when the plow tried to get up
the hill, it got STUCK. And when the snowplow
driver got ambushed by the neighborhood kids, he
ran off and left the truck sitting in the street.
That meant we could sled all DAY if we wanted to.
But sledding is for KIDS, and I had OTHER
plans in mind.
I’d been up all night looking through Dad’s books
to learn everything I could about castle warfare
and battle strategies. And by the morning, I
was READY.
171
I wanted to get started making a fort with
Rowley right away, but I knew that the second
we put up WALLS, we were gonna be under
ATTACK. The only way we could fight back was
if we had AMMUNITION.
I figured we could buy a big supply of premade
snowballs from Mitchell Pickett, so we went down to
his shed, which was open for business. But I guess
things must’ve gone well for Mitchell last winter,
because THIS year he EXPANDED his operations.
I’d borrowed enough money from Manny’s change
jar to pay for three dozen snowballs, but now
that I saw all this OTHER stuff, I had to
make some tough choices.
172
The Sloppy Specials looked like regular snowballs
to me, so I asked Mitchell why they were five
times more expensive. He said that each one was a
regular snowball with SLUSH on the inside, and
don’t even ask me how he pulled THAT off.
We ended up buying two dozen premade snowballs and
one snowball launcher, which I figured we could use
if we needed to nail somebody from long distance.
But I wish I’d brought the whole jar of change,
because Mitchell was selling a snow catapult that
looked like it could REALLY do some damage.
I’d have to get that another time, though. We
loaded up my sled with our purchases and went
back to the empty lot.
173
But when we got closer, we were SHOCKED by
what we saw. There were a BUNCH of snow forts
in the empty lot now, and there were kids inside
each one.
These kids copied our idea, right down to the
FLAGS. The Marlee sisters had a spear on their
flag, and Evelyn Trimble had a bat on hers. The
Garza twins had a two-headed ogre, which actually
looked pretty cool.
174
There were some really LAME flags, too. Marcus
Marconi’s dad owned the sub shop in the center of
town that went out of business, and Marcus used the
flag that used to hang in front of the restaurant.
I wanted to get closer to see who ELSE made
a fort, but when we got near the empty lot,
Ernesto, Gabriel, and a bunch of OTHER kids
opened FIRE on us.
175
The empty lot was totally overcrowded, and I
knew there was no WAY we could build a snow fort
on the lot now. So our only chance was to take
over someone ELSE’S.
I got some old binoculars from my garage so we
could scope things out without having to get too
CLOSE
.
Things had gotten a lot CRAZIER in the
five minutes we were gone, though. Gabriel and
Ernesto were in a battle with the Marlee sisters,
and a bunch of homeschooled kids were going at
it with the Garza twins.
176
Emilia Greenwall and Evelyn Trimble had teamed
up to fight Anthony Denard and Sheldon
Reyes, and Speed Bump and Latricia Hooks were
straight-up going at it with their FISTS.
But I wasn’t focused on all that. I was searching
for a fort that looked VULNERABLE, and I
FOUND one. The duplex kids had built a pretty
solid-looking fort, but as usual it looked like they
weren’t getting along.
177
I figured they’d wear themselves out fighting,
and when they DID, me and Rowley could
POUNCE. So we moved in a little closer and
waited for the right moment.
That’s when I noticed a fort that didn’t have
anyone IN it. The fort was sitting all alone on
top of a big mound of snow. I remembered what
Dad said about the HIGH ground, and this fort
was in the PERFECT spot.
178
&n
bsp; I couldn’t figure out why someone would build a
fort and ABANDON it, but I knew this was our
big chance. So we snuck around it and climbed over
the back wall.
It turned out the fort WASN’T empty,
though. It belonged to BABY GIBSON, who
was inside with a stockpile of snowballs.
But the second we stepped in the fort, it was
under ATTACK.
179
The homeschooled kids must’ve known about the
high-ground thing, too, and now they wanted
the fort for THEMSELVES. But when they
came charging up the mound, we drove them back.
And even Baby Gibson got in on the act.
Then kids started coming for us from every
direction, and it was getting harder and harder
to defend the fort.
The duplex kids split into two groups, and they
came at us from the left AND the right, while
Ernesto and Gabriel started using snowball
throwers to snipe at us from THEIR fort.
180
And while we were trying to deal with all THAT,
some little kid from Mrs. Jimenez’s playgroup
tunneled up through the bottom of our fort and
TOTALLY took us off guard.
The next thing we knew, our fort was totally
infested with PRESCHOOLERS. And to cap it
all off, the Marlee sisters did a sneak attack from
the rear, which was terrifying, because those girls
go for the EYES.
181
Me and Rowley got driven out of the fort and
onto the open battlefield, where it was just total
MAYHEM. Everyone was fighting everyone ELSE,
and any sense of order was just GONE.
Then something happened that made everyone
STOP. Joe O’Rourke got hit in the mouth with
an ice ball and lost a couple of TEETH.
182
In our neighborhood, ice balls are on the “banned”
list in snowball fights. So when somebody crossed
that line, everybody knew things had gone too far.
Representatives from all the clans had a meeting
in the center of the empty lot to settle on the
RULES
.
Everyone agreed that ice balls were off-limits,
and so was yellow snow. We came up with a bunch of
OTHER rules, too, like how it’s not OKto stuff
snow in someone’s hat and then put it back on
their head.
Once we agreed on everything, we were ready for
the next round of battle.
183
But while we were doing all that TALKING, we
didn’t notice what was happening right BEHIND us.
The Lower Surrey Street kids had snuck up to
the top of the hill with their sleds, and by then,
there was nothing we could do to STOP them.
Now, if there’s ONE thing that unites us hill
kids, it’s when the kids from the BOTTOM of
the hill try to take what’s OURS. We don’t have
much, but we have the HILL, and no one’s gonna
take that from us.
As long as the plow was stuck, we knew those
guys were just gonna keep COMING.
184
So we decided to DO something about it.
The only way to keep the Lower Surrey Street
kids from coming back up the hill was to build a
WALL to block their path. And we didn’t wanna
build some puny wall they could just push over,
either. We wanted something that was SOLID.
But we needed to make it FAST, because those
guys were already marching back up the hill with
their sleds. So we got recycling bins from some
nearby houses and started BUILDING.
We made it a DOUBLE wall, so if anyone broke
through the first layer, they’d still have to deal
with the SECOND one. And we stockpiled a
TON of snowballs.
185
We weren’t gonna be able to get boiling oil, so I
sent Rowley up to his house to fill some thermoses
with hot chocolate.
The homeschooled kids went out and collected icicles
to stick into the wall, and the duplex kids threw
together some snowmen to make it seem like there
were more of us than there actually WERE.
And when the Lower Surrey Street kids came
BACK, we were READY for them.
When those guys saw our WALL, they didn’t
know what to DO.
186
And when they got CLOSER, we hit them with
everything we had.
Those guys didn’t stand a CHANCE. We
sent them running back down the hill, and we
celebrated our victory.
But we celebrated too SOON. Ten minutes later,
the Lower Surrey Street kids were BACK.
187
And this time they were armed to the TEETH.
Most of them were wearing sports gear to protect
themselves from our snowballs. And the moment
I knew this wasn’t gonna be an easy fight was
when one of them threw a HOCKEY STICK.
But still WE were the ones with the WALL, and
we had the higher ground.
188
So we unleashed another round of snowballs.
We held them off for a while, but those guys
had some surprises up their sleeves. They hit us
with a round of Sloppy Specials, which we were
TOTALLY unprepared for.
If the Lower Surrey Street kids had Sloppy
Specials, that meant Mitchell Pickett was playing
both SIDES.
189
But we’d have to deal with him LATER, because
now we had a NEW problem.
It turned out the Sloppy Specials were just a
distraction to draw our attention away from the
NEXT wave of attack, which was coming at us
FAST
.