by Hope Conrad
“What in the hell am I going to do with a stuffed bear?” I stand on the tip of my toes so I can whisper in his ear.
“I don’t know.” He cranes his head to whisper back in my ear. “Toss him into the corner of your room? Surely, it could use some decoration.”
“Remind me to kick your ass later,” I whisper back before stepping up to the booth beside him.
He turns to me with a panty-melting smirk. “Someday you’re going to have to carry through with that threat.”
The odds of me kicking his ass are certainly higher than the odds he wins the damn teddy bear anyways.
The carnival worker shoves the ten-dollar bill into his holster and digs into a bowl of balls.
“I get three throws right?” Axel questions.
“Right.” The carnie tips his hat at him and rolls three balls onto the counter. “Good luck, buddy.”
Axel angles his eyes at the young man, and scoffs. “I’m not going to be needing any luck, kid.”
He picks up the first ball and shifts his weight to his right foot. He steadies himself and takes a short inhale before he launches the first ball. It crashes against the cups, knocking all three over and onto the floor behind the stand on which they were stacked.
“Wow.” The carnie’s eyes go wide as he looks to the stand, and then back at Axel. “Which bear do you want?”
“Funny kid.” He looks back to me and smirks. “I’m not finished yet.”
I drop my mouth open in shock that he actually won the damn bear, and realize that I’m going to have to figure out where I’m going to stuff it; my solitary closet is already filled to the brim.
He launches the second ball at another tower of three cups, and the same thing happens. They all tumble to the ground. At this point, both carnie boy and myself are stunned. Axel doesn’t give us time to catch our collective breaths before he’s launching the third and final ball.
And fucking score.
How in the hell did this just happen?
“That’s three teddy bears,” Axel shouts and begins to point to his desired choices. “A pink one, a blue one, and a green one. Please.” He’s proud of himself. Too proud of himself.
I can’t think of a more embarrassing display for two late twentysomethings than strutting through a crowded street carrying three oversized teddy bears. Axel carries one in each arm, while I struggle to carry one.
“It’s a good thing we didn’t take your bike,” I say as we exit through an opening in the roadblock. “Otherwise, these poor guys might have been abandoned.”
“Nah.” He shakes his head. “I could have taken them home one at a time, and then come back for you.”
“Really?” I glare at him, but the stuffed toy in front of me blocks his view. “There’s no way in hell you’d get a second date in that scenario.”
“Please,” he chuckles to himself. “We’ve already established what I can accomplish when I set my mind to it. A second date is the least of your worries.”
* * *
The funniest thing happened after we loaded the three bears into my car. Axel said he was too tired to drive back to my place, and asked me to drive instead. Then, when we arrived, he yawned and told me he was tired and would I mind if we could save my “reward” for going on a date with him and get some shut eye first. Baffled, I said sure, no problem.
I mean, what else was I going to say?
I’d already established I was desperate for his cock, but I didn’t want the poor guy to feel like he had to be at my beck and call even when he was exhausted.
Now I lie here in bed beside him, listening to his breathing as he snoozes. There’s a certain thrill when we’re lost in the throes of ecstasy, but here in the silence, there’s a different sort of thrill. One I can’t quite put my finger on.
Restless, I shift in bed and roll against his body with my head angled against his chest. It’s here that I find the most comfort, which startles me into a deep trance where I’m left alone with my imagination.
There’s an unfamiliar beating of my heart, wild and ragged against my chest. It’s a beat I’ve long forgotten was there, and it brings a certain warmth to my soul. It terrifies me almost to the point of tears. At the same time, it soothes me until I’m left dizzy and reeling, pleading for the release that sleep will bring. Once my eyes are shut, and I shift into the land of dreams, maybe then I can fully understand the predicament I’ve found myself in.
Chapter Twenty-One
Axel
She thinks I’m sleeping, but I’m not. Once again, I’m being the manipulative bastard she’s accused me of being, but it’s only because I want to know how she acts when I’m asleep. I want to know if she looks at me the same way I look at her when she’s dreaming.
I think our date went exceptionally well, and I had a lot of fun with her. It was a nice treat, to get away from this bedroom and from the club, to see her outside the same damn surroundings.
Yeah, I think our first date went as well as it could. I mean, once we left the carnival, she didn’t mention sex. Up until tonight, that had been the extent of our relationship on her end. The fact that she’s not trying to cash in on her reward for me taking her on the date tells me everything I need to know.
She feels the same way I feel about her. I’m not saying it makes sense. It doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things, we hardly know each other, but I don’t think you need to know everything there is to know about someone to love them.
I think you can love someone from the moment you set your eyes on them, and the more you learn about someone, the more you grow to love them.
I feel her shift against my body and cradle her head on my bare chest. Maybe she’s finally ready to go to sleep. Cautiously, I open my eyes and the sight of her takes my breath away. She looks serene in the glow of the streetlights that pour into the bedroom. Her hair so soft, her skin so smooth.
She’s a goddamn angel.
She’s mine, and I think she’s finally starting to realize it.
* * *
I drag both knuckles against my eyes as I awake from a deep sleep. My face and body are drenched in sweat, so I push the covers off before reaching for Alyssa.
Only she’s not there.
I force my eyes open to find an empty room. The bathroom door is open, and she’s not in there either.
“Alyssa,” I call out as I swing my feet off the bed and jump into the same pair of jeans as last night. I throw my arms over my head and let out a loud yawn as I exit the bedroom.
She’s not in the kitchen or living room either.
I check the door, and she’d taken the time to lock it behind her. I reach into the pocket of my jeans and retrieve my cell phone, dial her number, and put the phone to my ear. It rings once, and then twice. I soon realize her phone is on the kitchen counter, vibrating against the laminate countertop.
“Shit,” I sigh as I hang up the phone.
I step to the window of the living room and peel a blue curtain back. My eyes scan over the parking lot. Her car is missing.
Should I wait for her to come back? Or should I go look for her?
I drop down onto the old, but comfortable, sofa and decide to wait. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to do so, but I’m hoping she’ll come back soon with a cup of coffee.
Deep inside myself, though, I don’t think she will.
I think she felt what I’d felt last night—that she was becoming mine.
And I think that scared her so much she ran.
From her own home.
From me.
And if that’s the case, I have to accept facts.
As much as it hurts. As much as I’m not one to throw in the towel.
I have to accept it.
She’s never going to let me in.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alyssa
When I enter Sugar Bare and see Axel, I feel a sense of relief go through me. I’d gotten a call in the middle of the night from my father and had to rush ou
t to go to him. I’d planned to call Axel from the road at a more decent time, then cursed when I’d realized I must have left my phone at home.
By the time I’d gotten to the hospital, my dad had been feeling better. It turned out his friend Beth had snuck in some Mexican food the night before and he’d gotten a horrible case of food poisoning. Food poisoning! Okay, so my dad had looked horrible and I’d felt bad for him, but I’d read him the riot act for scaring me. Then I’d hugged him, kissed him, chatted with him, and finally left him to rest. Without my phone, which had Axel’s number, I didn’t know how to reach him. But by then, I’d figured I’d see Axel at the club anyway and I’d headed back in plenty of time to get there for my shift. Only I got caught in traffic. I’d pulled into the parking lot forty minutes late. And I’d been freaking out a little, imagining how worried Axel must have been. And how angry.
I’m right. He doesn’t look happy. Not one little bit. And my relief at seeing him quickly turns into panic and fear.
He ignores me completely, turning on his heel and heading into the back. I go after him. By the time I get to the hallway, however, it’s only in enough time to see his back heading out the door.
I rush after him. “Axel!”
He freezes, then starts walking again. He calls over his shoulder, “I left your phone in the dressing room.”
“Axel, wait.”
I run up to him but he won’t stop walking, so I grab his arm, but he shakes me off.
I do it again and this time hang on tighter.
He whirls to face me, his face suffused with anger.
“I’m sorry. I know I worried you. I didn’t mean to! I got an emergency phone call. I had to leave, but I didn’t want to wake you because you’d been so tired. I was going to call you from the road, only I forgot my phone, and—”
His expression had cleared slightly, but then his eyes narrowed. “Who called?”
I hesitate, then say, “My father.”
“Why?”
I hesitate again.
He closes his eyes, rips his arm away from me and then starts heading to his bike again.
“Stop! Where are you going?”
“Even now? Even now, Alyssa, you’re hesitating to tell me why your father called you with such an emergency that you rushed out of your own home without waking me? Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I—I—You were sleeping. You needed your rest.”
He shakes his head. “No. You didn’t want to depend on me. You didn’t want to share that part of your life with me. Well, I’m done trying to get you to.”
“What does that mean?”
“I can’t do this anymore, Alyssa. I can’t get close to you, thinking you’re finally going to let me in, only to have you constantly pulling back. Take care of yourself, baby.”
Baby. Not Angel.
I watch him get on his bike. Listen to him start the engine. But before he drives off, I run up to him.
“I’m sorry,” I say, trying to stop myself from shaking, but I can’t stop the tears from overflowing. “Please don’t leave. I want to let you in. I do. I just don’t know how.”
He hesitates now. Turns off the engine. Says, “Begin with why you left this morning.” He crosses his arms and stares at me with a frown on his face. I feel the heat of his anger and disappointment burning a hole into me. What was once passion has now disintegrated into contempt and mistrust.
I need to figure out where to begin, where to kick off this story so that it makes sense, and so that he’ll understand. Instead, I settle on the worst possible jumping off point. “I’m going to start stripping tomorrow,” I say.
“We’ll get to that issue in a minute, but that has nothing to do with why you left, so stop delaying.”
I take a deep breath then say, “It has everything to do with everything. I wish I could make you understand.”
“You can,” he says dryly. “It’s as simple as letting the words—the truth—roll from your lips.”
“It’s my dad. He’s sick.”
He takes a rough, visible gulp. Slowly, he swings himself off his bike to stand in front of me. He doesn’t take me in his arms, though, and I feel his distance like sharp knives, so I wrap my arms around myself in self-protection.
“He’s had cancer twice before, and he’s beaten it both times, but it’s back again, and we’ve tried every doctor his insurance will accept, but it’s not enough.”
Axel raises a hand and places it on my shoulder, sorrow etched into his face, his eyes sunken and his skin pale.
“I was supposed to be a big actress, but I’ve pretty much failed on that front. And this place is the only thing keeping my father alive, because Mr. Prince is paying me a lot more than a waitress should earn. He’s paying enough to pay my father’s bills.” My tears come like a storm now, drenching my cheeks. I drag the backs of my palms against my face to erase the tears. “In exchange, I said I’d take the stage after a couple of months.”
“I understand,” he says. “But I still don’t understand why you didn’t wake me when your father called.”
There’s a light breeze of relief coursing through my veins, but it’s met with a heavy pushback, because now I really want to fucking run. “For so long, it’s just been the two of us. I’m used to it just being the two of us.”
“It’s not just the two of you anymore. Not if you want to be part of my life. I need you to accept that. If you can’t, let me go. Because the way I felt after you left this morning… When I couldn’t find you…”
I raise my eyes to meet his, my vision blurry from tears.
“It ripped me apart from the inside,” he says softly. “I felt like there was a hole in me or something, like you fled because you saw the real me and you didn’t like him.”
“No.” I shake my head adamantly. “That’s not true. I see the real you, Axel. And you’re amazing. Wonderful.” I comb my fingers through my hair and begin to pace nervously across the parking lot with my hands placed at my hips. “The problem is me. I’m the one who flees instead of being the one left behind. I have abandonment issues because of my mom. She left my father and me when I was just a kid. She left us for a man and all for most of my life, I’ve hated her. I know that’s no excuse though. It’s not fair to put all the blame on how fucked I am on her. My actions are my own.”
“Yes, they are, but we all have someone who’s left a mark on us, for better or worse.”
He stops my pacing by putting his arms around me.
“I know you won’t accept my money,” he whispers.
“I can’t.”
There’s a brief moment where all we do is stare into each other’s eyes, and it’s not the worst thing in the world. The tension and the passion flows back and forth between us, and then he lowers his head to plant a smooth kiss against my lips. It’s soft and sweet, but is weighted down with adoration.
“I know you don’t want to strip, but if you’re really going to do it? You’re going to kick ass at it.”
“Oh?” I tilt my head and take a measured step. “You really think that?”
“Absolutely.” He winks at me, and there’s something irresistible in the smile that hitches across his face. I feel absolutely safe here with him. I bared my soul to him, but I’m not overcome with sadness, I’m overcome with a foreign ticking in my heart.
A poet might call that ticking love, and I know it doesn’t make sense, so I’ll keep it to myself because the world isn’t prepared to hear it. Especially because I’m not even sure I’m prepared to recognize it as something that could potentially be real.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Alyssa
It took a lot of courage to work up to this point. I downed a glass of wine first, and then a few shots of Fireball. The bartender tried making me pay for them, so I told him flippantly to put them on Harvey Prince’s tab.
There’s a bit of a fire brewing in my gut, from a combustible combination of nerves and liquor. I stand in the wings of the stag
e, waiting for Axel to show.
After our shift last night, we went home and fucked like the animals we are. After that, I cuddled up next to him and fell asleep within minutes.
When we awoke, we went to get a quick bite to eat and then I was off to the studio. I first noticed something odd when he exclaimed that he didn’t want to go to the studio today, saying something about how he had other plans.
It was even odder when he didn’t pick me up, but I didn’t want to question him. Now, I’m forced to, as I stand here alone. I peek around the curtain of the stage and eye the crowd, looking for him. I don’t spot him. He’s always close, sometimes too close, keeping a watchful eye on me, but in my hour of need, he’s nowhere to be seen.
I could use his pick-me-ups right now.
I head deeper backstage, but when I get to the end of the curtain, I run into Rhett, one of the regular bouncers. He’s a bulky man, with a long red beard.
I try and maneuver around him, but he intentionally blocks my path. I move to the other side; he does it again.
“What are you doing?”
He folds his arms against each other. “I’m supposed to keep my eye on you while you strip.”
“Excuse me?” I clear my throat. “I think you’re mistaken.”
“Not mistaken.” He stands towering above me, his bulky frame blocking my view. When he speaks, he doesn’t look at me, he looks over my head and past me. “I’m under orders.”
“Whose orders?” I question, growing frustrated.
“Axel’s.”
I shake my head and push my tongue against my cheek. “Un-fucking-believable.”
“I don’t know anything about nothing.”