by Katy Kaylee
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I quickly retrieved it. I hoped that it was Liv, but as soon as I glanced at the screen, my hope completely evaporated.
It wasn’t her.
I was being summoned, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be someone else right now, despite not wanting to be myself either.
I threw my phone on the passenger seat beside me and carried on driving. When the phone buzzed again, with the same number flashing across the front screen, I sighed miserably. I pulled over onto the side of the road and answered. “Hey.”
“Hey, it’s me. Can you talk?”
“Sure.”
“Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
“Do want to come over”
I sighed and rubbed my temple. “Not tonight. I have a few things I need to take care of.”
“Okay. Is there anything I can do?”
“Not this time.”
I disconnected the call and pursed my lips for a few seconds while staring out in front of me. Cars passed me by in a whirl and everything became blurry again. I had to pull myself together, and fast, or I would be going back over the rails again.
I wasn't going to allow that to happen though. I just needed to calm down, because driving in the state I was in was both dangerous and irresponsible, and I wasn't going to be that person again. I promised myself, and Alice, that I wouldn't be ever again.
There was however one person who could talk to about all this, so I stepped on the gas pedal, and headed to Beverly Hills.
Olivia
A drum sounded in the distance, a faint sound which grew increasingly louder and more urgent with every passing moment, but instead of acting on it, I wrapped myself in my warm blanket, hoping I would fall back into the deep slumber I had been pulled out of. I refused to wake up early this morning, as I haven’t had the chance to sleep in for a few weeks now. Plus, I was wallowing in self-pity because of what happened with Zac. Although I was sure that he wouldn't lay a finger on me in a malevolent manner, I was still terrified of the possibility.
But now he was hurt because of it.
I wanted to know what the whole story was, but I couldn't just ask Alice about it. It would be a strange thing for me to ask her, and how would I possibly explain to her why I wanted to know. It frustrated me to no end that I couldn't talk to her about it, and judging by the angered expression on Zac’s face when he stormed out of my apartment last night, he wouldn't be back any time soon. It was disheartening to think that he wouldn't want to ever see me again, and I didn't blame him. I had no right to talk about him behind his back, although it was Alice who did most of the talking. I should have never mentioned it to him, but I was just curious. I wasn't my intention to provoke or upset him, but clearly it did. I knew that his father wasn't a topic that he would talk about willingly to anyone, but I didn't expect it to be such a big issue for him. Clearly what happened before he grabbed his father by the throat was more important and of way more significance than I had ever imagined.
What happened? What did his dad do that provoked Zac so much? Did he punch him, belittle him?
I guess that I would never truly know without coming clean about the whole thing to Alice.
The drum pounded louder and louder until I opened my eyes. It was bright in the room and I rolled over onto my back. I then realized that it wasn't a drum, it was someone at my door.
Pounding frantically.
I threw the covers off me, since I knew the person on the other side of the door was either Alice – who was known for her persistence – or it was my parents coming for a surprise visit.
On a Saturday morning, I silently scoffed.
I plodded out of my room, and down the hallway. The pounding against the door grew louder and I called out, “Alright, I’m coming.”
My voice was drowned out by the pounding, and when I eventually reached the door, I realized I was wearing the shortest pair of sleeping shorts in the entire world, and only a vest with pink bunny on the front. My hair was messy, and the term ‘I woke up like this’ wasn't exactly positive.
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I muttered as I unlocked the door and yanked it open.
Zac stood in the hallway, his hand still raised from knocking on the door, but as soon as he saw me, his hand dropped to his side. “Hey, Liv.”
“Hey,” I said simply.
“Can I come in,” he asked. “Please?”
I stepped aside without saying a word and he stepped into the apartment, holding a small gift bag in his one hand. I scowled slightly as I hoped it wasn't some kind of way to soften me up or something. Although he had been an ass for leaving, but I didn't want him to buy me anything. I wasn't his girlfriend or anything like that.
I had nothing to say, partly because I was still upset that he just walked out, and partly because I was shocked that he was standing a few feet away from me.
I closed the door and noticed he placed the gift bag on the kitchen counter. He didn't say anything about it either; he just turned around and faced me.
I raised an expectant eyebrow at him and crossed my arms. It was too early for shit like this, and I needed a cup of coffee to wake up properly. Maybe he didn't want to be alone, or maybe he felt bad for leaving me. Whichever one it was, I wouldn't know, because he didn't say a word. He just glanced at me.
I sighed, ran my fingers through my messy hair and walked into the kitchen to the kettle. “I need coffee. Would you like a cup too?” I asked.
“No, I’m okay,” he answered, and his low baritone velvet voice stroke my insides in the most seductive way.
Of course it was crucial that I kept my composure, because if he was there to apologize, or explain himself, I didn't want my hormones to get in the way of that. Quietly made my cup of coffee and took a sip right away. People always wondered how I could drink scalding hot coffee, but it was just the way I liked it.
I walked around the counter and sat down at the kitchen table, placing my cup in front of me. He took a step towards me and stopped abruptly.
“If you want to say something, take your time. I have all day,” I said calmly.
“I’m not good with apologizing, Liv.”
I glanced at him and cocked my head. “At least try.”
He winced slightly and walked up to the table. “You’ve known me for a long time, right?”
I nodded.
“Have you ever felt scared of me, or threatened of me?” he asked, his green eyes filled with self-loathing.
“No, I haven’t, and I wasn't scared of you last night either.”
“It didn't seem that way from where I was standing,” he pointed out.
“That was because you were angry at me, and the way you spoke to me terrified me. I hate myself for upsetting you like that, because you didn't deserve that. You were upset because Alice only told me her version of the story, and not yours. She wants you to be the villain in all this.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Because she wants me to stay away from you.”
“What?”
I stared at my hands for a moment and sighed. “I’m not allowed to get close to you. Her exact words to me were ‘hands off my brother. He’s trouble’ and because she was the only friend I ever had who stuck by me no matter what, I did.”
“I’m sire thats not true,” Zac frowned and shifted his weight.
“You know it is.” I stood from the table and approached him. “But I don't blame her because you were trouble then.”
“I was, yeah.”
“Look, Zac, I don’t blame you for leaving last night. You were upset and angry and...”
“I’m sorry, Liv.”
I glanced up at him as he approached the table and placed his hands on the backrest of the chair. He moved the chair closer to me and sat down, the scent of his cologne making my knees go weak.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I was insensitive and focused on my
own pain and I was wrong to do that,” he said sincerely.
“I’ll forgive you, on one condition,” I whispered.
“Anything.”
I took a deep breath and pouted my lips slightly. “I want you to tell me what happened that night.”
“Why, don’t you believe me?”
“I just want to understand why you would do that. It’s not to judge you, Zac. I just want to know you. I want to know your pain and what you felt, what you’re feeling now.”
“That wasn't part of our arrangement,” he frowned.
“Fuck the arrangement. You’re more important to me than sex,” I said slowly.
Zac smiled slightly, and nodded. “Okay.”
I was a little disappointed that he didn't think that I was important too, but I shifted that aside. This wasn't about be right now. This was about him, his pain, and the things he had gone through which had ultimately led him to this point in his life. I also didn't want him to think that I wanted him to say that I was important to him, because he needed to heal right now, and not reassure me.
I could deal with that at a later stage.
Right now, it was all about him.
“Ever since my mom’s funeral, I would drive down to the cemetery to visit her. I talked to her at times, but mostly I would just sit there, hoping that it was all a bad dream and she’d walk up to me and tell me to come home. I spent hours there at a time, feeling lost and alone, and I even contemplated to join in the ground. I was miserable. Everyone else was moving on with their lives, especially Alice and my father,” he said to me, but never once looked at me, as if he was ashamed of himself.
I reached out my hand to him and weaved my fingers between his.
“It was about a year after she died and I felt more lost than ever. I totaled my dad’s car, and I was on a rebellious streak that was unmatched by anything you’d ever seen. I was out of control, but I was hurting. I couldn't talk to my dad about it, because he was fine, which I couldn't understand. He lost my mom too, she was the love of his life and he carried on as if she never existed. He didn't talk about her, he took down all her photos, got rid of all her stuff. There was this pendant that she used to love, and she gave it to me the day before she died. She told me that she wanted me to have it, and if I ever found someone who I loved as much as she loved me, I should give it to her.”
Tears filled my eyes and I squeezed his hand. “That’s beautiful.”
“Somehow, my dad found it, and he threw it away. He didn't want anything of my mom’s in the house anymore.”
“And you found out that he threw it away and pinned him to the wall,” I said carefully.
Zac pursed his lips and nodded slowly. “He had no right to do that. Just because he wanted to pretend, didn't mean that I wanted to as well.”
I watched as a tear ran down his cheek, and had to fight the urge to wipe it away.
“When he told me that he threw it away, I lost it, and I grabbed him by the throat, pinning him to the wall. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. Then I heard Alice screaming behind me, crying, begging me to let him go. I did and I stormed out. I didn't want to go back. I never wanted to see him again. Alice followed me outside, but I didn't want to talk to her. I told her to go back inside, but she didn't want to. She begged me to come back inside, to make peace with my dad, but I couldn't.”
“You were all hurting, Zac. It was a tough time for all of you. Emotions were high and we all know guys don’t deal very well with emotions,” I whispered and he glanced at me.
“You’re not even upset.”
“Why the hell would I be upset? You’re allowed to feel things, you know. It was a rough time in your life, and people expected you to be stronger than you were, and there’s no shame in that,” I said to him, placing my free hand against his cheek.
“It makes me weak. Men aren't suppose to cry.”
“Your dad told you that?” I asked and he nodded. “You’re dad’s an idiot. Crying is not a sign of weakness, Zac. When a baby is born, the first thing it does to show that it’s alive, is cry. It’s a sign of life and strength, not weakness.”
Zac glanced at me and nodded slowly. Two tears spilled over his eyes and the warm emotions ran down, meeting with my hand. I brushed the wetness away with my thumb and looked at him with encouragement.
“You can cry as much as you want here, okay? You know that I will always be here for you.”
“Thanks, Liv,” he whispered and placed his hand over mine. “Will you forgive me for being an ass?”
There was nothing to forgive, but instead of saying that, I smiled slightly and whispered, “I forgive you.”
I knew that was what he wanted to hear most, so I said it. He needed to know that no matter what he did, I wouldn't hold it against him.
He sat back, breaking out of my grasp and stood from the chair. He paced around for a minute and I let him gather his thoughts. He looked as though he needed a minute to himself.
“I’ve never talked to anyone about my mom, or my dad before, or how I felt when she died, and how I still feel without her,” he said and stopped pacing. “You’re the first and only one. Why do you think that is, Liv?”
I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I guess I know what it feels like to be alone in a world while surrounded by people. And it’s hard to find yourself and be yourself when everyone else tries to tell you how you’re supposed to act and live.”
Zac approached me and I glanced up at him.
“When the hell did you get so smart?” he asked me.
I shrugged and he chuckled. His eyes brightened up again and it made me smile as well. He put his arms around me and pulled me close to him in a tight hug. “Thank you, Liv,” he whispered in my ear, as he stroked my back.
It was the best feeling in the world, and I was a second away from melting right there one the spot when he released me.
“I have to get to the shop-”
“On a Saturday?”
“The Camaro’s not going to fix herself, Liv,” he said and touched my chin before walking past me to the door.
“Wait,” I called out and he turned to me. “That’s it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re okay now?”
“Yeah, you made me feel a whole lot better, thanks Liv.”
I frowned and remembered the gift bag on the kitchen counter. “What about the gift bag?”
“Oh, right. I got you a little something.”
“You didn't have to get me anything,” I scoffed.
“I think I did.”
“What is it?” I asked and turned to the counter.
“Open it when I’m not here,” he said with a wink.
“What? Why?”
“Just trust me, okay?” he said and clenched his jaw.
“Okay,” I stuttered.
“Bye, Liv,” he said with a grin and left the apartment.
To say the very least, I was confused as fuck. I stared at the door for a minute after Zac had disappeared behind it before turning back to the gift bag. I walked up to it and peered inside. There was something wrapped in a light pink wrapped, and my inquisitive nature made me investigate even further. I unwrapped the tissue paper and stared down into the bag.
“Oh my god...”
Zac
I had to admit, I felt a lot better after talking to Liv, but I never expected to feel so much better after letting a few tears out. I felt overwhelmed by the feelings that crashed over me, but there was a certain sense of peace inside myself. That peace was way overdue to arrive, and now it was finally here, and it was all thanks to Liv. She saved me from the turmoil inside me.
Who would have known it would be Olivia Donovan, the little girl with the brown pigtails giggling in our backyard all those years ago.
To be honest, I had never considered her to be important in my life – to Alice she was the whole world of course. Sure, I thought she was cute, in a little sister kind of way, but as soon as Liv reach
ed puberty and began to mature into a beautiful teenager, I couldn't help but see the beauty there was to her. She was awkward, of course, but she was happy. She always had a smile on her face, and at times I envied her perfect life.
Only now I knew it wasn't as perfect as I thought it was. I figured that people just hid their problems and crappy lives from others. They weren't so perfect, nor were their lives, because I did the same thing. I used to, until this morning.
Liv made me realize that I didn't need to do that anymore, that it was okay to hurt even after all this time. No-one had really taken the time to listen to what I had to say. They were probably under the impression I was doing okay, and was over the heartache and the pain. Clearly I was doing such a good job of hiding it, that they didn't even notice it was still there, lingering beneath the surface.
But Liv saw it. She knew it was still there, and she managed to break open my walls, clearing my defenses, and leaving me raw and vulnerable. It wasn't as painful and terrible as it sounded. I was glad she did it, because I felt better.
Lighter and happier.
Liv made me happy, and the entire day at the shop I had a goofy smile on my lips. I wondered what she thought about my gift, and that made me smile as well. She was surely freaking out a little once she opened it, and I waited for a frantic text or call to ask me what the hells she was supposed to do with it.
I chuckled to myself and Cole, one of the guys who worked at the shop with me, glanced at me with a frown.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I was just thinking about something,” I fobbed him off.
“It must be something really important, because I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time,” Cole pointed out and I glanced at him from under the Camaro. He was hunched over the hood, tightening the block.
The engine was finally done, but there was so much still to do on the car. At times it felt as though I would never finish it, but the motivation of taking Liv for a ride once it was done, was the flicker of hope inside me.
I had something to look forward too now, a foreign concept for someone like me. I was a live-in-the-moment kind of person, but it felt good to strive and work towards a goal, especially if Liv was at the finish line.