“She has cut me off,” he said with virtually no emotion.
“Judith?”
“No more money.”
“Why would she do such a thing?”
Richard had me sit with him, and he began his weary tale of the lies and betrayals I believe every family must experience.
“I met Judith and her family when I first moved to France. I was a poor aspiring artist, like most are, and I was fortunate enough to have my art noticed in an exhibit. Judith, then thirty, saw my work and invited me to the Van Dorn chateau. She seduced me there, told me she would make me famous if I married her. I would have wealth beyond my dreams, and I could one day be one of the world’s greatest artists if I so wished. I wanted all she had to offer, and married her soon after we met.”
Richard closed his eyes and reflected back to years before. “Rachael was fourteen at the time. Lovely and beautiful, but far too young for me. She adored her older sisters, especially Judith. They were very close at the time. And I knew Rachael had a silly girl’s crush on me. It was sweet and innocent. Then we moved to New York City, Judith showered me with money and introduced me to the editor of the magazine where I was instantly hired as an illustrator. I was elated. I stayed true to Judith for so many years, until one woman crossed my vision and changed my life.”
“And that was Vivienne?”
“She was one of the maids at the estate on the river. I would sketch her when she wasn’t watching me. And when she finally caught me, she was flattered and I was thrilled. Vivienne agreed to let me sketch her at my will, clothed and nude alike. She was amazing, gorgeous, and I quickly fell in love with her. We carried on a torrid affair. I was careful not to have Judith find out.
“So how did she find out?” I asked on the edge of my seat with anticipation.
“Rachael caught us together in bed. She was devastated, and not for Judith but for herself. She had been coming onto me, and she was, I admit, very tempting. I made the mistake of returning a kiss once, and she held onto the belief that I would leave Judith for her someday. And besides telling Judith of my affair with Vivienne, she up and married my brother Sterling, just to spite me. That’s all it was.
“Don’t you see? It’s not the name of the baby - it’s what it represents. It is a slap in the face to the sister who took the first man she loved. And Rachael wants her to divorce me, take everything, and leave me with nothing. That would be her sweet revenge.”
I hadn’t imagined Rachael could ever do such a thing. However, what I recalled her saying when we first met, and the anguish in Richard’s face, claimed it all to be true.
“Shortly after Judith learned of the adultery, Vivienne was killed in a horrible accident. I was forgiven, though Judith still holds it over my head today. I thought nothing or no one would ever pull me out of my depression or give me hope, until I met you in Savannah. You reminded me so much of Vivienne, though you are even more stunning,” he confessed.
Before that evening, I would have given anything to hear Richard’s anguish and relish the longing he had in his eyes for me. However, the memory of Heath remained a burden, and the love I once held for him was heavy on my heart. Seeing him again made me want him all over, even if he was engaged to beautiful Sarah.
“Can’t you make it on your own? You’re the head illustrator!”
“Live like this? Look around. Do you think I can afford all this?”
“I can help. I will ask for more money.”
He laughed cynically, then said, “Thank you Lillian, for being so young.”
We sat in silence as the night grew late, and all the while, my mind filled with thoughts of worry and fret. With Heath’s sudden appearance back into my life, and the arrival of a baby who’s name came with such heavy affliction, Richard and I were left to reflect on events of the past and the uncertain path to the future, where choices were predictably bound to be full of mistakes and endless regret.
* * *
Chapter Nine
Sweet deceit
Judith was as good as her word. She cut off Richard’s allowance immediately. He returned from the bank furious. “I have to go see her. This is unacceptable. For God sake, I have my rights!” he bellowed.
I remembered in the past Richard saying none of his wife’s wealth meant anything to him. But now that he was without it, his attitude changed. I was happy to know he was hurrying up to see Judith. With any luck, Richard would convince her to change her mind, forgive and forget, and then I would be able to monitor Heath, even see him again, I secretly hoped. If Judith stood by her conviction, I feared I would never see him again. So I encouraged Richard.
“She will listen, I am certain of it. She loves you,” I said as he climbed into the coach for the long, bumpy journey upstate.
“I hope so, Lillian, for both our sakes.”
Being alone in the enormous mansion intimidated me, though Randolph and Agnes were always somewhere about. However, neither was a friend. Richard was my only friend, and while he was gone - begging, pleading, and most likely fighting with Judith for his financial share - I was left to question, speculate, and hope the crisis would soon be over.
To keep my mind off of our predicament, I engrossed myself in work, and lingered in the dressing rooms well before it was time to show up for work. When the girls began to arrive for the night’s performance, I was grateful to have the commotion, the chaos, and the whirlwind of activity that came from putting on make-up and dressing in costume. I envied their camaraderie and the intimate secrets they shared with one another. Usually, I stayed back in the shadows while waiting to go onstage, and avoided being noticed until I was on stage in front of a crowd of spectators who adored me. They had paid to see me, and oh, how I clung onto the gratification. And in the midst of such unsettled seas came Ned Griffin once again, trying to win me over, only this time it was to have me join his cast - to be the star of his new production.
“I will offer you twice as much as Bart pays you,” he said after the show as I walked along the dark streets of the city to get home. Ned followed me, insisting I listen, consider, and appreciate his offer. Little did he know it couldn’t have come at a better time. But I didn’t let on.
“I don’t think Richard would appreciate you harassing me, Mr. Griffin.”
“You must believe me when I tell you that I will make you the star you should be. You will receive the publicity you deserve. Bart Wilco takes you for granted!”
I continued my quick pace and refused to stop and give him the satisfaction of winning me over. Richard had told me that men, especially in this business, were untrustworthy. He showered me with frightening tales of what could happen to vulnerable young girls who wanted to be famous. The stories were far more fear-provoking than anything Daddy had warned me about when I was a little girl. I was fortunate to have such an honest, decent man as Richard Parker to keep me under his wing and protect me from such horrible things. Ned Griffin, I wasn’t so sure.
Although he seemed honest, and he dressed the part of a distinguished gentleman, I was still very suspicious of him and his motives. Nevertheless, the nagging thought of Richard’s dire financial situation weighed on me, so much so that when we reached the mansion, I invited him inside so I could hear more.
“A drink, Mr. Griffin?” I asked as I eagerly poured myself one.
“Yes, thank you.” He took off his coat and handed it to Randolph, who thought nothing of my handsome guest.
“You know I am happy where I am,” I said. There was a twinkle in his eyes the color of Richard’s. He knew better. He had watched me staying in the shadows, away from the others in the show. And, he was well aware of Richard’s allowance.
“It is a pathetic man who lives with a woman who wears the trousers,” he said glancing around the mansion, then poured himself another drink. “Richard Parker is nothing without his wife to carry him.”
“How dare you say that in his house? Richard is a fabulous illustrator, a remarkable artist, and he does
n’t need her money,” I defended. “You have some nerve, Mr. Griffin!”
“So, it’s not true? They are just rumors?” he asked with his brows raised in question. I stood and glared at him defiantly. There was no chance I would betray Richard and reveal his complicated world to Ned or anyone. I was loyal and true to Richard, and I made that very clear.
“I wouldn’t be the star of your show if you gave me ten times what Bart Wilco pays me. You have some nerve waltzing in here and insulting Richard. I want you out! Don’t ever approach me again!” I escorted Ned out the doors.
“I will wait for you, Lillian. This role was meant for you and you alone,” he called just as the door slammed shut in his face.
“Will there be anything else, miss?” Randolph asked.
My chest was heaving so hard from exasperation and annoyance I could barely answer him.
“That will be all. Goodnight, Randolph, and thank you.” He turned to go. “And Randolph . . .”
“Yes, miss?”
“Say none of this to Mr. Parker.”
“Indeed.”
I didn’t dare tell Richard anything about my meeting with Ned. Even though I worried about our predicament up until the time his coach stopped at the front of the house, I knew we couldn’t have anything to do with Ned Griffin.
The expression on Richard’s face revealed nothing to me. I didn’t see anger, despair, or frustration. Nothing. He ascended the front steps and came in without looking at me. Butterflies stirred up in my constantly unsettled stomach, and I just knew something was going to change, and not for the better.
“How was your trip?” I asked when he finally came and sat down. I handed him a drink, then sat beside him, waiting. He took long, slow breaths while keeping his eyes locked straight ahead. With every minute that passed my heartbeat quickened, until finally I couldn’t stand it. “Tell me, Richard, what did Judith say? Did you convince her to continue to provide your income? Is she still angry? Tell me you fixed everything back to the way it was before that baby was born,” I pleaded.
Richard began to shake his head and then reached for my hand. It was then that he finally looked at me.
“Richard?”
“Yes, I fixed the problem, as you call it.” He sighed weakly.
A big smile came to my face and I exhaled with relief. “So why are you acting so strange?” I nervously laughed.
Richard leaned in and held me while stroking my hair. Then he placed his lips next to my ear and whispered something I couldn’t understand. What was he saying?
“It is not without consequences,” he repeated.
“What kind of consequences?” Why did there always have to be consequences?
“Judith gave me an ultimatum.”
“What does that mean?”
“I get my money, live the way I have become accustomed to.”
“Then what is the problem?” I cried.
“The problem is that she demanded you go!” he shouted and shot up.
“What did you tell her?” I uttered through the heavy lump that had formed in my tight throat. “You didn’t agree to it, did you?”
He didn’t reply. I sat stunned, staring at him as he again stared off blankly into the vast expanse of the room.
“But I told you I wanted to stay,” I choked out. “And you said all of these things - the priceless antiques, the mansion, mean nothing to you. All you care for is your art. Was it all a lie, Richard?”
“No,” he said flatly.
“Then why agree to such a thing?”
“It’s not that simple. You don’t understand how complicated life can be!”
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND?” I screamed. My sudden anger took him by surprise. “How dare you say that to me? Have your wife’s money, Richard Parker, and all the happiness it brings you. I want nothing to do with you or her anymore. I have an offer to work for Ned Griffin, and I believe I will take him up on it,” I flared and stormed up to my room where I feverishly pulled out my suitcase and began to pack my belongings.
“What offer?” he asked after urgently following me, standing in the middle of the room.
“Never you mind. It has nothing to do with you.”
“You can’t work for him! Don’t you remember all the things I’ve told you, the horror stories?”
I ignored him as I continued to pack. I couldn’t fear the unknown any longer. I had to make of life what I could. Here I was, unwanted again. I needed to go to the next best thing, and that was with Ned’s show.
“Stop!” Richard grabbed me. “Give me a few hours. I can make something work. Promise me you won’t go.”
I hesitated with tear-blurred vision. Oh, how I wanted to stay, needed him to need me, and not the money.
Richard swept me into his embrace and held me so close, so tight, I could barely breathe, and made me promise to stay put. When he let go, I collapsed onto the bed and bawled. Could I ever find someone who would want me forever?
Sometime very late into the night Richard came in to wake me. I had fallen asleep in my clothes, curled up on my bed, clinging to my pillow.
“Lillian, I have good news,” he said softly.
I sat up sleepily and waited for the good news.
“I found you a place to stay, your own apartment.”
“What are you talking about?”
“An apartment in the city. Then we can still be together, and Judith won’t find out,” he said cheerfully.
“Together? What’s together? And besides,” I said, as the tears began to fall again, “what are we?”
“You are my pride and joy. Your beauty keeps me alive; don’t you know that?” he cried.
“Like Vivienne?” I asked with pain in my heart.
“Yes,” Richard confessed. “Isn’t that all right? What’s so wrong about thinking of her when I see you?”
His words left me feeling empty and heartbroken. No one would love me for who I was, only for the image of another they saw in me. To Warren, I was my mother; to Richard, I was Vivienne. There was not one man who loved me for me!
“I don’t want to be a part of your scheme. I will go with Ned, or maybe just go away to who knows where. It really doesn’t matter,” I sobbed onto his shoulder.
“Please don’t say such things,” he murmured while softly caressing my cheek. “I just want to take care of you. Is that too much to ask?”
“I don’t know.”
“I am here to protect you, look over you and . . .” He stopped talking and tilted my chin up, and slowly lowered his lips onto mine. I gasped and pulled back, but in a moment he did it again, and this time I didn’t resist.
As much as my head told me to not to have him touch me in places where I’d sworn no man ever would be allowed again, my body betrayed my intuition. Womanly urges I overheard the showgirls snickering and giggling about came flooding over me with each caress Richard placed on my body. His kisses were gentle and warm, and as I lay down and allowed him to undress me, I thought of myself as Vivienne. She must have loved him and longed for his kisses and intimate touches. It was nothing like what Warren did to my mother, nothing like that at all.
Richard needed me in a wholesome way. We had a relationship. We were friends. When he entered me, it wasn’t forced and violent as I had remembered, but loving and tender, just as I had fantasized it would be when it came time for a man to love me, as it was when Daddy took Momma on clear starlit nights. My legs reacted by hugging his waist as our bodies became one, when his pleasure came and he moaned out my name and no other. Richard held me all night and whispered how happy I made him, and implored me to stay in the city and be his secret lover. He didn’t see that he was doing the same thing all over again that got him in trouble with Judith in the first place. Richard was reliving his affair with Vivienne with me. As much as it pained me to become a secret, a part of another betrayal, I loved the way Richard needed me, longed for my body, and cared for me in such an unconditional manner. I knew he would always think of he
r when he came to me, but did it really matter? I wondered. As long as I had someone to love me and in a wholesome union, shouldn’t that make me happy?
“You are wonderful . . . amazing. You excite me so!” he told me as we began to drift off into a much needed sleep.
“You do love me, don’t you Richard?” I asked, just before I allowed sleep to win me over.
“More than you’ll ever know.”
Finally, I woke to a new day, singing with the birds and looking forward to what life had to offer. For so long, I had waited for the right man to take me into his bed and love me with desire and passion to warm my lonely nights. It felt wonderful to be wanted and desired; I was elated to feel Richard’s body react to my soft touch and supple kisses. I felt whole for the first time ever.
I practically floated all the way to the theater, thinking and day dreaming of our passionate night together and longing for many more. I couldn’t remember how I got through the show; my mind was elsewhere. Richard didn’t sit in the front row that evening; he was busy with some other business, but I felt his presence with every breath I took.
When I made it home, exhilarated and excited to see Richard, he surprised me with a candlelight dinner and a present. He held my chair, and I sat down as he placed a warm kiss on the back of my exposed neck, then said, “I have missed you.”
“I missed you terribly today,” I replied, gazing through the soft glow of the flickering candle at him - the man of my dreams. Richard was more handsome than I had realized when I first laid eyes on him over a year ago. He was every bit as attractive as Heath, and I felt lucky. Richard behaved nothing like Heath. He was charming and self-assured, not self-righteous and priggish like Heath. I was grateful I didn’t pursue Heath and try to make him see me and want me. I didn’t need him after all. Not when I had Richard to love me.
“Go on, open the present,” Richard encouraged. Inside the small box was a key. “To your new apartment,” he said with a big smile. But it didn’t bring a smile to my face. Instead, I frowned.
I sat sulking, my balloon popped with the thought of being taken and kept away from him.
Box Set: The ArringtonTrilogy Page 67