Something Real

by Allegra Johnson

  “Why do you care? Leave me alone. I’m better off alone. Just go.” She moved farther down the bench, putting space between them.

  “I care, and I think alone is the worst thing for you.”

  What did he know? Nothing. Did he care? Really? Would he still care when he heard the truth? Maybe she should tell him everything, the whole truth. Tell him that she was broken, worthless, not the kind of person he wanted to be involved with. She should tell him now to save herself the heartbreak. Let him walk away from her before she started to believe he was for real. Before she let herself fall again.

  She took a deep, fortifying breath, wishing she had a drink to help her through the words. To help her numb the ache she’d feel when he walked away after finding out her truth.

  “Turns out, all that time when everyone said I was a problem child and acting out, it was actually Borderline Personality Disorder. Hey, at least they were right when they called me crazy.”

  “I don't follow. I never saw you that way. You used to be fun, lively, happy. You changed.”

  “I was drunk or high all the time. It's amazing how happy you can be when you’re too numb to feel the pain.”

  “Taylyn, you’re not making any sense. What is Borderline Personality Disorder? What pain? I want to help you. I want to know you, Tay. Let me in, please.”

  She wouldn’t look at him, only at the scar on her wrist. The constant reminder that she would never be enough. That she could never do anything right, not even killing herself. Oh, she had been close. If Ella hadn’t found her in the tub that night, who knows, maybe she wouldn’t be here, feeling things she tried so hard to push away. Fighting the urge to take one more risk, to let one more person in. Daring to hope that maybe he did mean the things he said.

  She could already feel her eyes growing moist with tears. The lump in her throat would make speaking difficult. She closed her eyes and took a leap of faith.

  “It’s fearing abandonment but pushing everyone away. It’s living with a voice telling you that you’re worthless, stupid, and you should just die. It’s wanting to be happy but not knowing how to be.”

  She paused to organize her thoughts. Her mind was racing. The voice was telling her to shut up. Her heart was telling her to trust Declan, to let him in. To believe in him. She forced herself to continue. Knowing the next part was going to be the most difficult to explain.

  “It’s thinking no one likes you and doing anything to win their affection. It’s pretending everything is fine when you’re really dying inside. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. It’s holding all the hurt inside. It’s wanting to be loved but not feeling you deserve it. It’s all those things and more. It’s me. It’s my life. It’ll be my death.”

  She didn’t dare look at him. She rubbed her thumb along the scar. Everything was silent. She waited to hear the rustling of leaves under his feet as he walked away. The sound never came. Instead, she felt him move closer. He gathered her in his arms and cradled her against his chest. His heartbeat thundered in her ear. The feel of his lips resting against her temple wasn’t a kiss, only a simple touch. He held her tight, and she let herself fall. If only for this moment.

  “You are not worthless. You are more than enough, and you are loved more than I can say. Tay, you’re none of those things. To me, you’re perfect.”

  You’re perfect. His words echoed in her head as the world remained silent and he held her tight, letting her cry. She felt loved. For the first time in maybe ever, she felt loved. But was it real? For now, she didn’t care.

  His thumb joined hers, following the path of the scar. She both felt and heard his intake of breath. His voice was a faint whisper when he spoke. “Why?”

  He didn’t ask what happened. He asked her why. No one had ever asked her why. It was always what happened? Wasn’t it obvious what happened? She’d tried and failed. Now she lived with the constant reminder of that failure. Declan hadn’t asked what, he asked why.

  “It was a few weeks after I turned eighteen and left the Carpenter house. I couldn’t stay there anymore. I was unwanted, and they . . . didn’t like me. I was homeless, living in my car. I was taking showers after practice. I was only eating at school. Somehow Ma found out, Ella probably told her. She had me move in with her and Ella.”

  Taylyn took a deep breath. Should she tell him about the party? About what Greg had her do? That would be the real way to see if Declan really cared. She pushed on, praying he would still be there holding her when she finished the story.

  “There was a house party. The guy I was seeing had asked me to . . .um, he liked to share with his friends. He said if I loved him, I’d let them have some fun.” She heard and felt his growl before a light kiss was placed on her head.

  “Who were they?” He was angry. She could hear it in his voice.

  “It doesn’t matter who they were. I didn’t see any of them again. After it was done, after everyone had had their fun, they left me alone on the bed.” She stopped and braced herself for what she knew would be Declan walking away. When he didn’t make a move to leave, she continued.

  “I was really confused. The voice was so loud, it was telling me I was a whore. I was only good for sex. No one cared about me, only what I could give them. And the pain just wouldn’t stop. Vodka, rum, lines—none of it worked. I wanted to stop hurting.”

  Taylyn gave Declan another chance to leave. He only held her tighter, remaining quiet, but his heartbeat thundered in her ear. She shivered as she thought about what came next.

  “I must have found my way to the bathroom. I don’t remember how or when I did. The voice was so loud. It kept saying if I was dead, I couldn’t feel the pain. So, I did it. I cut deep, hoping I’d reach the pain. I don’t know how long I was in there, but Ella found me. She called 911. I was taken to the hospital. The Carpenters wouldn’t come to the hospital; they said I was eighteen and not their problem anymore. Ma was there, though she is always there.”

  Declan was quiet, but his arms tightened around her. She heard him sniffle. He let go of her wrist and cupped her cheek, turning her face to him. He was crying.

  “I’ll always be there, Tay. I’ll help ease the pain. Please, don’t do it again. Stay with me. You’re all I have left.”

  You’re all I have left. What did that mean?

  Taylyn didn’t trust her voice. She nodded, not sure what she was agreeing to.

  ♡

  Declan climbed the backstairs to the rooms above the tavern. James was staying in one. He held the hoodie in his hand, but his thoughts where on Taylyn. They had stayed on the bench until it grew dark. She didn’t talk much more after he had asked her why. Autumn was right, Taylyn’s life was a tragedy. He was going to make it his mission to change that. To give her the love story she deserved. He knocked on James’s door and waited.

  The door swung open, and James stood on the other side. “You good?”

  “No.” Declan crossed the threshold and passed James the hoodie. “Autumn told me to give you this.”

  “Cool, thanks.”

  “Why does she call you Jamie?”

  James’s eyes widened. He went a little pale but recovered quickly with a shrug. “Because she wants to, I guess.”

  “No one calls you Jamie. You make sure everyone calls you James. You barely let me get away with calling you Jay.”

  “You’re not a short little pixie with a killer smile, chameleon eyes, and a laugh that sounds like wind chimes.”

  Wind chimes? The color rose in James’s face, then he brought the hoodie up to his nose and sniffed it.

  Declan blinked. “Dude, did you just smell the hoodie?”

  “Maybe I like her fabric softener.” James answered with another shrug. “I know you didn’t come all the way up here for the hoodie. What’s going on?”

  “Taylyn.”

  James smirked at him. “What has the little minx done now? She sure knows how to keep you guessing, doesn’t she?”

  “She tried to
kill herself.” The words came out without thought. Declan wasn’t planning to tell James about that. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about how close he was to losing her.

  Declan watched as the color drained from James’s face. “Dude, I’m sorry. Why aren’t you with her? Oh God—she didn’t succeed, did she?”

  “No, this was a few years ago.” Declan paused. He battled with the decision of how much to tell James. “I guess I should start at the beginning. Tay has a mental illness; she’s been battling it for years. The night she attempted suicide, she was . . . in a really bad place. Something happened to her.”

  “But she’s okay now, right?” James furrowed his brows. “What do you mean something happened to her?”

  Declan thought about the questions. Was she okay? No. She’d told him herself she wasn’t okay. She told him she was broken. The way she talked about herself nearly killed him. He tried to tell her she wasn’t broken, but she wouldn’t listen. She kept telling him he’d be better off without her and she was better off alone.

  “No, she’s not. Taylyn may never be okay.” Declan closed his eyes swallowed hard. “She says she’s broken and I would be better off without her in my life.”

  “Do you think you’re better off without her?”

  “No. I think I’m the best thing for her. The one to show her she’s not broken. To show her she is loved, that she is somebody special.”

  “Okay, so you need to make her see that. You need to let her know how you feel. Now, what happened that night? What made her take such a drastic measure?”

  Declan met James’s eyes “The guy she was seeing passed her around to his friends. He told her if she loved him, she’d let them all have a turn.” Declan stood up and started pacing, the anger he’d felt when she first told him coming back in full force. He punched the wall, his fist breaking through the thin drywall. “Fun. He called it fun.”

  He heard James’s low whistle “Wow. I’m at a loss for words here.”

  “She wouldn’t tell me who they were. She never reported it. She thinks it’s her fault. I need to find these guys. Someone in this town must know who she was seeing then. You can’t take shit in this town without someone knowing it. I’ll find these guys and—”

  “And what? You’ll fight them? What’s that gonna do? Taylyn will still have the memory of that night. The guys will still walk free. Violence isn’t the answer, Dee. Go to Tay, love her, help her heal. That’s the answer.”

  Declan spent the next hour pouring out his heart to his best friend. He was more determined than ever to be with Taylyn. He had to make sure she knew he loved her. Then he would spend the rest of their lives showing her just how much. There was no maybe about it. He was in love with her, scars and all.

  Chapter 15

  It had been a week since Taylyn last saw Declan. They had texted, and there were a few phone calls, but she had been busy with work, school, the anger management course . . . therapy. She had been at the bar about an hour now, setting up for Carly’s bachelorette party alone. Declan had tried talking to her when she’d come in. Taylyn had said she would talk after she set up, which, like it or not, was now. She glanced over at the bar and saw Declan watching her. He tilted his head in the direction of his office. She nodded, already walking toward it. Butterflies circled around her belly. She cast a quick look around the bar. It was mostly empty, and no one seemed to notice the pair entering the office together.

  No sooner had the door closed behind them than the kiss began. She wasn’t sure who’d started it, but she knew she wanted it. Declan held her by the waist. She ran her fingers through his hair, and their tongues circled each other. Declan moaned when she tore her lips away from his. They were left panting and staring into each other’s eyes.

  “I’ve wanted to do that all week.”

  “I told you to come over.”

  “Those stairs, though.” He laughed. The rough pad of his thumb traced the edges of her lips. “I missed you. Have you thought about renting one of the rooms upstairs?”

  Taylyn shrugged and pulled away from him to sit on the couch. She had thought about it. She had even talked to her therapist about it. There were plenty of pros, but one big con. What if this, whatever this was, didn’t work out? What would happen to her? She wouldn’t be able to keep renting a room at his bar. She sighed, not even noticing that Declan had sat down beside her.

  “So, what about it? Want to rent a room?”

  “Maybe. Give me a few more days.”

  Her phone chimed. She checked it, then stood up. “Got to go. The bride-to-be is five minutes away. Talk to you later?”

  “Yah, sure. Have fun.”

  “Yah, right. Bye.”

  She waited for a second, unsure if she should kiss him or not. He decided for her by standing up and giving her a quick peck on the lips.

  “Save a dance for me.”

  ♡

  Declan had spent the night watching Taylyn from his perch behind the bar. She didn’t look like she had any fun. No one had talked to her, except perhaps to order her around. Carly and the rest of the girls had left about a half hour ago. Taylyn was left to clean up the mess. He picked up his phone and sent a text to the DJ requesting he play a few songs. He alerted his second bartender that he was taking a break, then made his way over to the party area where Taylyn was.

  He walked up behind Taylyn, wrapped his arms around her waist, and pulled her against his chest. Leaning down, he whispered in her ear, “Come dance with me.”

  She turned in his arms, smiling that dazzling smile of hers. “Are you sure you want everyone to see us dancing? You’ll set the rumor mill on fire.”

  “Let them talk. I want to dance with my baby girl.”

  “Your baby girl? Since when?”

  “Since forever. Come on, let’s dance. Listen, they’re playing our song.”

  He took her by the hand and led her out to the middle of the dance floor. He didn’t care who saw. He wanted everyone to see them dancing. He wanted to show her that he was different. He wasn’t going to hide her away. He wasn’t going to push her away. He was going to be there for her for as long as she’d let him.

  “We have a song?”

  She smirked at him, a twinkle in her eye. It was clear she was amused by this. He placed his free hand on her waist, putting them into the standard dance position. The opening notes of “I Can Love You Like That” flowed through the sound system as their first dance began.

  “We have lots of songs.”

  “We do?”

  “I’ll play them for you. It might take all night.”

  He pulled her closer for a quick kiss, then spun her away from him and back into his arms. He released her hand to place his on her waist. She curled her arms around his neck and rested her head against his chest. She felt so right in his arms. He wondered if she felt it too.

  ♡

  Taylyn could feel the eyes on them. She worried what everyone would say in the morning. She wondered who would be the first to warn Declan that she wasn’t good enough for him. She tried to stop that line of thinking. She ignored that voice of doubt in her head. Declan’s fingers slowly caressed her back. She looked up at him, pursed her lips, and met him halfway. They kissed in the middle of the dance floor like no one was watching, but she could feel every eye in the building burning through her.

  Please, just let this be real.

  Their kiss ended rather abruptly when someone bumped into them. Taylyn hadn’t noticed the slow songs had been replaced by a livelier dance mix. She was disappointed their dance would come to an end so soon.

  “You wanna get out of here? Come to my place. I’ll play you those songs,” Declan asked, still holding onto her and dancing them in a slow circle in the middle of the dance floor.

  “I need to finish cleaning up from the party.”

  Why the hell did she say that? Who cared about the mess? He wanted to take her home. She should be running for the door and dragging
him behind her.

  “Leave the mess. I’ll clean it in the morning.”

  “I don’t want to be charged a cleaning fee. It says in the contract—”

  He cut her words off with a kiss. He squeezed her ass and pulled her closer to him. She could feel his hardening cock press into her stomach. The touch of his lips along her jawline caused a shiver throughout her body. He nibbled her ear and spoke in a husky whisper.

  “Leave the mess.”