Roger and I decided to fly back to Seattle a week early because my parents, Jack and Janet wanted me to go through my belongings and see if I wanted to keep anything because my cousin Ian was invited to stay with them while he attended the local university and they didn’t think he’d appreciate it if he had to stay in what was both a yoga room and a girl’s room for four years.
The morning after we arrived in town, I drove to my parent’s house in our rental car because Roger needed to stay back at the hotel to make some phone calls and take care of some work that he brought along. I didn’t mind because Roger hated cleaning and he would only just get in the way.
Janet and I spent the next few hours going through my belongings and everything I wanted to keep managed to fit into two boxes which she would ship over. The only thing that remained in the room that I hadn’t gone through yet was the box of Liam’s belongings that Barb gave me a several weeks ago.
I called Barb to see if she wanted to take the box back or if she wanted me to throw it away and she asked if I minded bringing it back to her and also because she wanted to make sure she gave me a proper goodbye before I returned back to California, afraid it would be another six years before I saw her again, if at all.
I wasn’t going to go through the box to see what was in there and just give it back to her but curiosity got to me and I was interested to see what Liam got rid of over the years. I picked up the box and placed it on my bed. I opened the flaps to find what looked like old Peace Corp brochures, some of his t-shirts with cat memes, his old retainer, his old gaming console and a few video games that he used to play for hours on end.
“Nothing too important, I wouldn’t have kept these things either,” I said to myself.
I was about to close the cardboard box when I noticed a large, blue box with the sticker of the British flag on top of it buried underneath everything.. I reached inside and pulled out the blue box and set it on my lap. Underneath the flag sticker, Liam wrote the words “MAGS” in big, block letters.
I opened up the box hesitantly, almost afraid of what I would find. I exhaled deeply as I slowly opened the top. In the blue box, were what looked like hundreds of mementos from our time together including the notes we passed back in forth during the classes we had together, my Woodstock from Charlie Brown pin that I gave him (I loved that thing), the pictures we took in photo booths at state fairs and a dead corsage still inside the box.
Was this the flower he wanted to give me?
At the bottom of the box underneath all of the photos, candy wrappers, notes, movie ticket stubs, were four envelopes stuck to the bottom because of old chewing gum. Yuck. The envelopes were addressed to me at my dorm address in California and had a postage stamp affixed to it but was stamped with “return to sender”. I tore open one of the envelopes and it was a letter written by Liam, dated six years ago on my birthday:
Hey Mags,
Remember me? It’s been a couple of months since you left and since I’ve heard from you. Are you mad at me? I talked to mum and da and they finally agreed to let me sign up for the Peace Corps and just yesterday, I finally got Jack and Janet to agree to let you go too.
Do you still want to go? I know you’ll be starting college in a couple of months but I figured if you knew that both of our parents gave us permission you’d come with me. Can you call me when you get this letter?
I’ve tried calling you but I can’t seem to get through for some reason. Oh, before I forget, I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I got you something really nice, you’ll like it but before I send it I wanted to make sure this was your correct address, I don’t want it to get lost in the mail.
Anyway, write me back, yeah?
- Liam
I didn’t remember getting this letter and I couldn’t imagine why I would even send it back. As much as I was disappointed by Liam’s actions during our senior year, I would have welcomed hearing from him. It wasn’t until I realized that Liam didn’t care that I left, did I decided to change my number. It was the best way to move on, Roger had said.
I picked up another envelope and tore it open, this letter was dated a few months after the last one.
Hey Mags,
You probably didn’t get my last letter because it came back, return to sender and so I thought I’d try again because I think I wrote it wrong and probably the college got confused. So you may just get both letters, sorry about that.
Things are going well with me, I started school at Seattle Pacific University. I’m taking general education courses except one of them is a guitar class. I’ve been meaning to learn.
What classes are you taking? Your number still isn’t working, by the way, I’ve tried it loads of times. Did you change it? When you get these letters, can you call me or if you write back can you include your new number?
- Liam
I opened the remaining two letters, one was dated a year after the others and the last one dated two was dated years ago.
Hey Mags,
It’s me, Liam, hope you haven’t forgotten your best friend in the world. About a year ago, I wrote you a couple of times and they were never returned like the first time I wrote to you so I figured you finally received them. I didn’t expect you to write me back as long as you got them and read them.
Then the other day me mum told me something she was feeling guilty about and you know she’s a saint so I couldn’t imagine what she could have done.
She apologized to me for not showing me sooner but she pulled out two envelopes. One was the first letter I resent you and the other one was the second letter I sent you, both with a return to sender stamp.
For a bit, I figured I had been getting the address wrong but when I looked it up, they usually attach a yellow sticker that indicates you do not live there. They only stamp it when someone returns mail they don’t want to receive.
Did I do something wrong Mags? I’m sorry if I did and I don’t want you to be mad at me, I don’t want to lose my best friend.
I’ve missed you every day that you’ve been gone and I don’t think I can go another day without hearing from you.
- Liam
Hey Mags,
I know it’s been a few years since we’ve last spoke but I thought I’d give this one last try and I promise you I’ll stop writing you. Me mum wanted to donate some things to charity and while I was finding old items to donate I came across my old letters and funny thing, I didn’t notice it before but the letters looked like they were opened and resealed before they were returned back to me.
Does that mean you read them and then returned it to make it seem like you didn’t care or that you were trying to punish me somehow? It’s been eating away at me for years trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I could have possibly done to make you hate me that much.
I heard you were engaged, your mum told me. Don’t get mad at her if you didn’t want me to know. It’s okay, I’m happy for you and I won’t tell you how much I miss you because I know you probably are wanting to move on with your life. I won’t bug you anymore.
I also wanted to tell you that I decided to give up on the idea of joining the Peace Corps, somehow helping others doesn’t seem worthwhile anymore. Ever since I took that music class in college, I found a love for music and I wanted to pursue that. I graduated by the way and I heard you did too.
Good luck to you.
- Liam
THIRTEEN
Reading the letters I never received nearly crushed me all over again. Knowing that I never received those letters and that he thought I sent them back because I wanted to punish him for things he didn’t understand. I’m not sure why I never received those letters despite it being the correct address and the only thing I could think of was my dorm roommate sent them back, better yet maybe Roger did.
After the reunion was over, I planned on confronting him about it but right now, the only thing that was important to me was returning Liam’s box of belongings to Barb and maybe talk to Liam again
. I felt bad for him but I was stubborn enough to still be mad.
“Hi, Mrs. Collins, I mean Barb,” I said when she opened the door.
“Hi, dear, why don’t you come inside? Look at you, carrying that heavy box all by yourself.” she teased.
“Thank you, it’s not that heavy really,” I said.
“Why don’t you just set it there on the dining table? I’ll just have Liam take care of it when he returns.”
“Where did he go?” I asked.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“Sure, I’ll just have a glass of water,” I said as I sat down in the dining room.
“He went with Harry to find a suit for your freshman reunion tonight they should be back soon if you want to say hi.”
“Sure, if I run into them,” I said as Barb handed me a cold glass of water before sitting across from me. “Thank you for this.”
“You know when you left town to go to college, he wasn’t the same after that. He tried to act like he was okay, putting on a brave front so that we wouldn’t worry about him but you could tell he missed you a lot.”
“I know he did and I missed him all the time too,” I confessed.
“He’d never admit this but he used to bug us for months, begging us to allow him to take that trip with you to the elephant sanctuary in Thailand that only took applications annually. He was so excited about that, it was all he talked about that summer and then one day he stopped asking. I didn’t know why until I realized he hadn’t heard from you.”
“I’m sorry Mrs. Collins, I’ve never seen those letters until I looked through that box today.”
“I’m not telling you because of some old letters, I’m telling this because I wanted to ask you a favor,” she said.
“Sure, what is it?”
“I want you to let Liam go,” Barb asked.
“Let him go? I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.”
“I want you to do him a favor and let him go. I want you to talk to him after that reunion tonight and tell him to move on.”
“Ms. Collins…I…”
“I know you know what I mean, dear. Liam’s a sweet boy…”
“I know he is…”
“…and he’s like a puppy. Sad when you’re gone but immediately happy whenever you decide to come home and play with him. Well not like that but I’m sure you understand what I mean. Until you tell him to get on with his life, he’s always going to hold onto the hope that you’ll come back home and finally notice him and as long as he holds onto that hope, he will never settle down and pursue his music or helping elephants or whatever it is with him these days. I wanted you to tell him he needs to move on and you, my dear, need to stop running away and settling for what’s the least painful.”
“Barb, I’m not running away from anything.” I stuttered.
“Then please, if not for me then for Liam and let him go. I don’t think he can take getting pulled around like a puppet whenever you need a crutch to hold you up. I’ve loved you like a daughter because I never had one and you can always contact me whenever you need to talk to someone if you can’t get a hold of your mother and that will never change. I hope you take the time and think about what I’ve said and I also hope you consider it.”
FOURTEEN
I couldn’t stop thinking about what Barb told me when I brought back Liam’s belongings earlier that afternoon. I never imagined she would sit me down and tell me to cut ties with Liam so that he could move on with his life. It hurt knowing that she thought as long as we were friends, Liam wouldn’t ever be at peace because he would always have that small glimmer of hope that one day I’d come back.
I must have made it worse when we spent the night together several weeks ago and it certainly didn’t help when I told him that it didn’t mean anything to me other than getting my rocks off. The sad part was I meant what I said and there was a small part of me that still wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me because I spent years crying over men who didn’t love me as much as I loved them and I was done crying.
While I wasn’t entirely comfortable with doing what she asked of me, the one thing I agreed with was the need to talk to Liam to settle things. I didn’t want to go back to California without talking about what happened and I guess after that, I was going to honor her wishes and tell Liam to forget about me.
“Hey babe, does my hair look alright?” Roger said glancing in the visor mirror.
“You look fine.” I laughed. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
“Fine, just tell me again why we’re here?”
“It’s my freshman class reunion,” I explained.
“Isn’t that the same thing as thing as a regular reunion? It’s going to be the same people, isn’t it?”
“Yes but this town does four years of reunions in a row.”
“Huh?” Roger asked.
“This year is my freshman year reunion, next year will be sophomore, in two years would be the junior year and then after that will be the regular one that everyone typically goes to,” I explained.
“Well, that’s kind of stupid. It’s just seeing the same people four years straight.” Roger scratched his head.
“Well, it is a tradition here and I don’t think it’s stupid,” I said picking up our name tags at the check-in table. “Here put your name tag on.”
We walked inside the ballroom and it was decked out from floor to ceiling in silver-colored banners and streamers. The entire class must have already arrived because the room was packed with guests.
“Wow, you weren’t kidding. People do take it seriously around here.”
“I told you tradition was important around here, it’s all we have,” I said as Roger’s phone rang.
“This is Roger. Yeah…I checked out the specs and they’re fine. Jake was supposed to run them up to the printers. What do you mean EMG didn’t like them? Did they hate the ad? When do they want to see a new one by? Tuesday? That’s only a couple of days away. Shit. No, no, no…it’s fine. Just hold on until I get there.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“I’m sorry babe, I’ve got to go fly back, there’s a problem at corporate.”
“You’re going back home now? We’re at my reunion, Roger. You promised you’d be here with me.”
“I know I did Maggie, but I can’t lose this client.”
“Stop calling me Maggie! I told you I hated when you call me that.”
“It’s your fucking name, what do you expect me to call you. What the fuck is wrong with you tonight?”
“Roger, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth, you hear me?”
“Okay?!”
“Were you the reason why I never received any of the letters Liam mailed me? They were opened then taped shut and returned back to him. Not once but four different times. Was that because of you? Don’t lie to me.”
“The guy wouldn’t leave you alone, babe. You were with me and he kept trying to meddle in our lives. So I read them and then sent them back but I only did it for us. You were starting your freshman year of college and you didn’t need any hassles like that.” Roger explained.
“He was my best friend, Roger. I wasn’t going to just drop him just because I moved out of state and had a boyfriend. Is that why you suggested I change my number, for the same reasons?”
“Maggie…” Roger grabbed my hand to calm me down.
“Just go home, Roger.” I snapped, pulling my hand away. “Don’t bother coming back.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, just go home. I can’t believe you.”
“If I go home, don’t expect a warm welcome. This is your last chance.”
“Goodbye, Roger. It was nice knowing you.” I said tossing my ring on the floor in front of him.
“Fine, have it your way. Have a nice life.” Roger said as he picked it up and then muttered as he turned around to leave, “Fucking bitch.”
Saying goodbye for
the last time to Roger felt like a weight had been lifted off me and while I was sad to know that I’d never see any of my belongings again especially what was in my duffle bag, I was actually glad to know that I had nothing left so that I could start my life all over again with a clean slate, no longer carrying any burdens of the past or remnants of the toxic life that I used to have.
I wondered if Liam had already arrived because I was anxious to see him. I wanted to not only apologize but to let him know that I was completely Roger free and he no longer needed to worry about me. He was free to move on like he needed to.
I searched through the crowd, saying hello occasionally to those that I recognized but not really stopping to make any small talk. After searching through the various groups of people, I spotted Liam near the drink station talking to Cherie.
Just like high school all over again.
“What was I thinking coming here hoping that everything would work out,” I said to myself as I turned to leave so I could call a taxi and beg my parents to let me crash on their couch since my cousin Ian was now occupying my old bedroom.
“Mags? Is that you?” Liam’s voice said behind me.
I turned around to face him, “Hey, Liam.”
“Wow, you look beautiful,” he said as he checked out my black, cocktail dress.
“It’s a Vera Wang,” I answered.
“Remind me to thank this Vera.”
“Hey, Liam, can we talk? That’s unless you have to get back to Cherie.”
“Cherie? No, she’s not my date. I came here alone. I just ran into her a few minutes ago and stopped to say hello.” he said.
“Oh, that’s good,” I said.
“Is it?” he eyed me for a second. “Do you want to go outside or go for a drive? My car is just outside.”
“Yes, can we do that please?” I agreed.
“Sure. Come on, let’s go this way.” Liam said, placing a hand on my back guiding me towards the exit.
Every Day I Loved You Page 9