Matt nodded stiffly at the hotel. “You’re sure this is what you want?” he said.
Gretchen nodded. Hard as it was, she knew she was doing the right thing in moving out now. This way, Matt could bring Sassy back into the fold and have his family once again. He could still love his brand-new son, and spend as much time with him as he wanted, but he’d be free of the sleepless nights and the daily responsibilities he’d worried about before Zach Devin was born. This way, she thought sadly, he would still be able to find a woman who had also already raised her children, someone who was ready to enjoy her newfound freedom. This way he could still be happy.
And, despite the way things had worked out between them, she wanted Matt to be happy, more than anything in the world.
Matt waited in the car with Zach Devin while Gretchen checked in at the front desk, then escorted her to the unit. “Are you sure you’re going to be all right here?” Matt asked with a frown, looking around at the clean, contemporary furnishings of the two-room suite.
“Yes. I’ll be fine.”
Matt reluctantly set down the diapers, formula and canvas bag of baby clothes and blankets. He glanced around in disgruntled fashion. “It doesn’t have a full kitchen.”
“It has a refrigerator and a microwave,” Gretchen replied, hanging on to her temper because she knew he was picking apart her accommodations as a way of not dealing with the painful issues behind their enforced separation. “And a grocery store down the street that delivers.” Sensing he needed—wanted—reassurance as much as she did, she turned to him with a smile. “Really, Matt, that’s all I’ll need for now.”
He scowled and peered into the bedroom, saw a king-size bed, television, vanity, dresser and bath. “Where’s Zach Devin going to sleep?”
Gretchen set a sleeping Zach Devin down in his combination car seat-carrier and strapped him in securely, trying all the while not to show how truly nervous she was.
She folded her arms in front of her. “The front desk is bringing me a crib.”
“How long do you plan to stay here?”
“I don’t know.” Gretchen shrugged. She felt as if her heart were breaking. “A couple of weeks, just until I find a permanent apartment.”
Matt nodded. “If you need help with that...”
Gretchen knew if she spent much more time with Matt she really would burst into tears. She’d grown far too dependent on him as it was. Because she wanted so badly to hold on, she shook her head, refusing his offer. “Thanks,” she said stiffly, “but I can handle it.” She was out of her depth here, not up to a pretend marriage with very real and heartfelt implications.
“Somehow I knew you were going to say that,” Matt replied with a wry sigh.
Realizing they had to find a new way to be around each other, for Zach Devin’s sake as well as their own, they exchanged cautious smiles. Matt looked as tranquil and careful about things as Gretchen was pretending to be.
“I guess I better bring in the rest of your things,” he said.
“Thanks.”
He carried in her two suitcases and a stack of textbooks. “I’m going to be out of town for a few days,” he advised her matter-of-factly, more in a hurry now.
“I understand,” Gretchen said swiftly, knowing he was running away from the mess they had made of things, just as she was.
“But if you need anything—” He scribbled down the number where he could be reached, cast a last longing look at their baby.
“I’ll call,” Gretchen promised, watching as he set the paper down next to the phone. But even as she spoke, even as she watched him bend to kiss a sleeping Zach Devin goodbye with exquisite tenderness, she knew she wouldn’t. It was going to be a long time, if ever, before she got over Matt. Until that happened, she knew the less time she spent around him, the better.
Chapter Thirteen
“So how long are you going to keep this up?” Luke asked from the door to Matt’s office at the drilling company.
Matt glanced up from his computer just in time to see Sassy, Luke and Angela all troop in his office. This was the first time in months he and all three of his children had been in the same room together. His joy over that was lessened by the fact that Gretchen and Zach Devin were not there to join them, as they should have been. “These reports have to go out first thing in the morning,” Matt told them grimly.
“You have staff to do that for you,” Angela reminded him gently.
His staff had families to go home to, Matt thought irritably. He didn’t.
“I suppose you have a purpose in showing up here jointly at 10 p.m.,” Matt drawled, and followed that with an expectant look, aimed at all three. He hit the save button on the computer, then started to print the document and letter he’d just drawn up.
The kids exchanged nervous glances, the kind they used to give each other when they were younger and knew they were in trouble and were wondering just how ticked off he was.
“First of all, we’ve got pictures taken in the hospital to show you,” Luke announced cheerfully, stepping forward. He pulled the photos out of a plastic envelope and spread them out over his desk.
Matt looked down and felt immediately overwhelmed as he viewed photos of a newly bathed and dressed-for-the-first-time Zach Devin in an exhausted Gretchen’s arms. Zach Devin and Gretchen in the delivery room. Zach Devin in Gretchen’s hospital room, surrounded by family and friends. All except Sassy, that is. The poignant feelings the photos conjured were almost more than Matt could bear.
“He’s really cute, Dad,” Sassy said softly, apologetically, finally understanding what all the fuss had been about. Coming closer, she admitted, “After Luke and Angela showed me the pictures of him and made me realize how much I was missing out on, not sharing in the joy of having a new baby in the family, I went to see him a couple of days ago. Gretchen, too. I even took them both a gift. And I told Gretchen how sorry I was.” She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. Her lower lip trembled. “I’ve been acting like a total jerk, being threatened by all this. I know that now. If I hadn’t been so stubborn, I would’ve admitted it a lot earlier.”
Matt had known Sassy would come around eventually, just as he had known that the growth she’d suffered through this past year was both painful and necessary.
“I’m glad you understand you had nothing to fear,” Matt said quietly, opening his arms to her. “Because I’ve missed you,” he said thickly.
He and Sassy hugged. Tears shimmered all around.
“Which brings us to the second reason we’re here,” Angela said.
“And that is?”
“We’re worried about you,” Luke said bluntly.
Matt quirked a brow. This was a switch. “All of you?”
Angela nodded vigorously. “It’s been ten days now since you took Gretchen and Zach Devin from the hospital to that hotel,” she told him gently.
“Yet during that time you’ve hardly seen our baby brother,” Sassy said.
Not because I wanted it that way. “I was in West Texas until the day before yesterday,” Matt said gruffly. “And I saw Zach Devin yesterday, practically the moment I got back, while Angela was baby-sitting him and Gretchen was in class. I’m seeing him again tomorrow, when I take him and Gretchen to Cal’s office, for his two-week checkup.” And every day after that if I can swing it.
“Gretchen agreed to that?”
“Of course she agreed.” Via a message left on his answering machine. “I’m his father. She wants me involved in Zach Devin’s life.” She just doesn’t want me involved in her life. And on that score, Matt was still reeling from the hurt.
“Well, in that case, you need to put a new blade in that razor, Dad,” Luke said.
Matt clapped a hand to his jaw. Feeling the stubble growing in patches on his face, he belatedly realized his razor was probably a little dull; he just had been so unhappy he hadn’t noticed it was no longer doing a good job.
“And a haircut wouldn’t hurt,” Sassy advised.
“Did you iron that shirt?” Angela asked.
“Yes,” Matt said dryly, already knowing he hadn’t done a good job with that.
“What with, a rock?” Luke asked.
Figuring he’d endured enough “makeover tips” for one day, Matt glared at him.
“No offense, Dad, but you look like hell,” Angela said. “Which, by the way, in case you are at all interested, is the way Gretchen looks, too.”
Matt suffered a flash of hope. He quashed it quickly. There was no sense hoping for the impossible. He had already done that, and see where it had gotten him. “Being a new mother is a hard job,” Matt replied calmly. Harder than Gretchen had probably realized, he thought.
“So is dealing with all those postpartum hormones,” Sassy remarked.
Her tone had Matt thinking maybe he should be a little worried.
“Yeah, Dad,” Luke chimed in helpfully. “Has it occurred to you that maybe Gretchen didn’t really mean what she said about wanting to be out on her own? That maybe she was just dealing with some giant surge of estrogen or progesterone or whatever it is women get after they give birth?”
Matt only wished that were the case, but he knew better. He had forced Gretchen into this marriage, for their baby’s sake. Because she was vulnerable and uncertain, she had agreed. But now that she was no longer pregnant, all bets were off. And as much as he hated to let her go, Matt had to honor his vow. He had promised to let her go without a fight when the time came, and he had. No matter that the gallant move was tearing the hell out of him inside.
“Hormones have nothing to do with what happened between Gretchen and me,” Matt said.
His kids regarded him smugly. “How do you know?”
Because we made a deal long before Zach Devin was born, one Gretchen had apparently decided to stick by after all.
Abruptly realizing his printer had stopped, Matt gathered his papers off the printer tray, straightened them and slid them into an envelope. “Is there a point to this?” he asked, as he switched off the machine.
“Yes,” Sassy said firmly, taking charge in her usual lawyerly fashion. “The three of us have talked it over. We decided we know what is best.”
“And that is?” Matt prodded, curious.
“We want you and Gretchen and Zach Devin back together, pronto,” Sassy said.
I want that, too, Matt thought, even as he wondered if the outspoken Sassy had said as much to Gretchen. Aware his heart was suddenly pounding, Matt asked his youngest daughter, “Did you tell her that when you went over to see Zach Devin?”
“We all have,” the kids replied.
“And?” Matt held his breath.
Angela sighed. “She just says she doesn’t want to talk about it,” she admitted reluctantly.
“Sounds like a good policy,” Matt said. One I should adopt.
“What I don’t get is why she left you,” Luke continued, as curious as ever. “I thought everything was going great between the two of you.”
“It’s complicated,” Matt said.
“Did you fight for her?” Angela asked.
“I think she knows what she wants,” Matt said gruffly. Her freedom.
Once again, his kids regarded him, aghast. “Dad, you have to fight for her,” Angela insisted passionately.
If I thought it would do any good, I would, Matt mused. But even as he considered the possibility he grimly recalled Gretchen’s words to him as she explained why she wanted to leave. I thought I needed you. I thought I couldn’t do this by myself. I was wrong. I can.
He shook his head, unable to contain the bleak disappointment over the way things had worked out. As much as he was loath to admit it, he knew he had to be honest if he didn’t want to hurt Gretchen or himself any more than he already had with his bullheaded, old-fashioned view of what was right or wrong for them. “I’m sorry, kids. As much as I’d like to change things, it’s too late.”
“Is it really?” Sassy replied. “Aren’t you the one who’s always telling us that the only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen?”
“And that we shouldn’t be afraid to go out on a limb, because that’s where the fruit is,” Angela added helpfully.
Luke grinned. “And let’s not forget this old saying—To change everything, simply change your attitude.”
“It’s good advice, Dad,” Sassy said.
“You ought to know. You’ve given it to us often enough,” Angela said.
Sassy nodded. She looked at Matt expectantly. “Maybe you ought to take it.”
* * *
MATT THOUGHT about the unsolicited advice given him, took a good look in the mirror the next morning and reluctantly decided his kids were right. He put a new blade in his razor and shaved with care, ironed his clothes—khaki slacks and an indigo blue dress shirt—then added an eclectic tie he thought Gretchen would like, and some after-shave, too. He hit the barber shop on the way over and had his hair neatly cut. Nevertheless, his heart was pounding as he parked in front of her unit in the efficiency hotel.
He got out and headed for the door. Knocked once. Twice. Three times. He was about to get the manager, when he heard movement on the other side. A chain rattled. The door opened. Gretchen stood there, looking deliciously sexy in a long flannel gown, her hair mussed and her cheeks pink from sleep.
“Matt? What are you doing here?” she asked.
Matt lounged in the portal, enjoying the lush fullness of the curves visible beneath the gown. “Zach Devin has an appointment with Cal, remember? It’s time for his two-week checkup.”
Gretchen pushed the silky length of her hair off her face. “Oh-my-gosh. It can’t be—it’s Thursday already?” she asked, panic setting in.
“Looks like,” Matt drawled. Now that he was there, he was glad he had come.
“What time is it?” Gretchen asked, still a little disoriented.
“Nine-thirty.”
“Nine-thirty!” Gretchen echoed.
“You overslept.”
Behind her, Zach Devin stirred, then let out a wail. Obviously, Matt thought, Gretchen wasn’t doing quite as well as she’d like him to believe. Maybe she needed him after all. He worked to hide the depth of his elation. “Perhaps I should come in?” Matt suggested affably.
“Uh, right.” Gretchen pivoted on her heel and led the way.
“I’ll get Zach Devin.” Matt scooped his squalling son out of his Port-a-crib. “When did he last have a bottle?”
“Several hours ago.”
Gretchen looked drowsy and confused, Matt thought, as if she were having a hard time waking up.
“There’s formula in the fridge.”
“Great. How long do you think it will take you to get ready?” he asked gently.
“Fifteen, twenty minutes.”
“No problem. We’ll still make it to our appointment in plenty of time.”
Matt had finished feeding Zach Devin when she emerged, fresh and pretty in a loose-fitting madras jumper and long-sleeved white T-shirt. She had drawn her glossy mahogany hair back in a clasp at her nape and applied a touch of makeup. The only signs of her fatigue were the dark circles beneath her eyes.
“I used the last clean diaper in the stack,” Matt felt obliged to tell her. “Is there another box of them?”
“Uh, no, unfortunately.”
He smiled. “No problem. We’ll pick some up. Where do you keep the clean baby clothes?” He still needed to finish dressing Zach Devin, who was clad only in a T-shirt and diaper.
“In the top drawer of the dresser, just inside the bedroom door,” she directed.
Matt emerged with a yellow terry-cloth sleep suit in hand. He held it up for approval.
“Those are pajamas, Matt,” Gretchen said as she rushed around, gathering rattles and receiving blankets and an extra bottle of both formula and water.
Matt shrugged. “That’s the only clean thing left.”
“It can’t be.” She rushed back to the drawer, yanked it open
and stared down, reporting glumly, “It is.”
“No problem.” Matt handed the baby to her. He began stuffing soiled clothing into a drawstring laundry bag. “We can pick up diapers on the way to Cal’s office and do laundry after the appointment, back at my place.”
Gretchen hedged, but only briefly, before agreeing with a reluctant nod. “Thank you,” she said simply. “I would appreciate not having to go to a Laundromat.”
Matt planned to do much more than that for her, if she’d let him. “So how’re the classes coming?” he asked on the drive over, trying to rein in his own interests and keep things casual. He had made a mistake pushing her too hard once, and had almost lost her. He wouldn’t do it again. This time when he courted her, and he was going to court her, he would take it nice and slow.
Slanting her a glance, he continued lightly, “Angela said you’re back in class—what, a week now?”
“Yes.”
“And Marissa approved that?” he asked gently.
Gretchen nodded and kept her eyes trained on the passing scenery. “She said as long as I didn’t overdo the walking or running around campus and got plenty of rest that I’d be okay.”
She didn’t look to be getting enough rest, but figuring he would trust her to make the right decision on this, Matt didn’t push it. “How far do you have to walk from the car to your building?” he asked.
“So far about ten steps.” Gretchen’s lips curved wryly. “I’ve been taking cabs. Horrendously expensive, but it’s a lot easier than driving down to one of the lots and then catching a bus.”
Matt was glad she was trying to take care of herself. Now, if only it wasn’t too late for them.
“Nine pounds six ounces. He’s gaining right on schedule,” Cal announced with satisfaction, after thoroughly examining Zach Devin. “Any questions?”
Gretchen nodded. “Yes. Approximately when can I expect him to sleep through the night?”
Cal grinned. “Hard to say. Could be anywhere from six weeks to six months. Depends largely on the individual—each baby is different in that regard.”
“How much is he getting up at night?” Matt asked, easing closer to her, as he walked Gretchen and the baby back out to his Jeep.
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