by Lisa Ladew
Not a word from her. He knew exactly where she was. The meadow. With Rhen. More anger and pain moved through Jaggar, until he was scared to hold onto his mate. He needed to put her down. He needed someone to care for her while he…? What could he do? How could he get to her? Was it even possible? It was, he decided. It had to be. He would make it possible. But first, he had to find someone he trusted to watch Leilani, and there was no one he trusted.
Jaggar strode down the path, lost, his mind once again a scary place, and even his mantra was failing him after the things he had seen. He tried again. Take me to church. Take me to church. He called his resources together, trying to imagine what his next move was, his logical mind failing him, his thoughts slipping away every time he grabbed at one.
He headed for cabin six, then changed his mind and turned around on the path, then changed his mind again, knowing he had to take her somewhere. He had a decision to make, and he couldn’t think how to make it. There was one male he had always trusted above any other. They’d had their differences in the past, but they’d made up for it. After Jaggar had left the military, he’d returned to Serenity and accepted his place on the KSRT, no longer a skinny teenager who people bullied and called names. There had been no females left to accidentally agitate the beast, only males who agitated him on purpose, but Jaggar and Harlan had banded together, their friendship, their mutual loss, and their duty to Burton taking up all the room for relationship they had in their lives. Leilani had said she had been in the meadow when Harlan had kissed her, which Jaggar didn’t want to make sense, but it did make sense. It wasn’t any crazier than everything he’d been through that night, so if he believed Leilani, didn’t he have to absolve Harlan of any guilt? Of course he believed her, she was his mate, so of course he could forgive Harlan, who was his best friend.
He made his decision.
Eventine, he called in his mind, opening himself to ruhi.
“I’m here,” she said, stepping onto the path. “Forgive me for staying close.” She motioned behind her. “Forgive us.” Harlan stepped out from between the trees.
“It’s ok,” Jaggar said, heading toward them, his mate in his arms, grief in his heart. He was hurting for Leilani, feeling every bit of her pain. “Eventine, I’m happy to see you,” he said, thinking how inadequate that statement was.
She smiled a little and moved out of his way. “I missed you so much,” she said. “You scared me when you joined the military. I thought…”
She didn’t finish her sentence but Jaggar knew. She’d thought he had a death wish, or that she’d destroyed him in some way. After all these years, he still wasn’t sure if she was right or not, but that part of his life was over. All that mattered now was the female in his arms.
“Hey, Jag,” Harlan said softly. “I ah-I’m sorry. I never meant-”
Jaggar cut him off. “I know, Harlan. Leilani told me.” Eventine and Harlan exchanged a look. “What?” Jaggar said, his eyes narrowed, his tone irritated. He passed them and headed down the path toward the main house, knowing they would follow, also knowing he wasn’t ready to apologize back. Not yet. But he wanted to know what that look meant.
“Can you… tell us what’s been going on?” Eventine said. “Where you two have been?”
Jaggar shook his head. “No time. I’ve got to get to the meadow.”
He knew Harlan and Eventine were looking at each other again behind him. He could feel it in the air.
“Take her to the cabin we’re staying in,” Eventine said. “It’s number one, but, Jaggar, I don’t think you can get to the meadow. I don’t think even I could get to the meadow right now. Leilani’s special, but you know that. She’ll come back. You just have to be patient.”
Jaggar shook his head, heading for the cabin she’d mentioned. “No way, I’m leaving her alone with Rhen. I’m going to find her. There’s got to be a way.”
He carried her up the little porch, in the doorway, then gently laid her on the couch while Harlan and Eventine hovered nearby. “Help me, Eventine, please. I have to get to her now. She needs me,” he said, arranging her arms and legs so they looked comfortable and slipping a pillow under her head.
Eventine only stared at him, her expression stricken. “I can’t help you, at least not right this second. It will take time. Maybe I could contact a Citlali, or maybe…”
No way, no Citlali. He turned to Harlan. Harlan would understand. “I trust you, Harlan, I need you to watch her, I need you to guard her, no matter what happens to me.”
Harlan nodded once, gravely. “With my life,” he said.
Jaggar knew he meant it. That’s why Harlan was his best friend. “Even if I don’t come back, Harlan, which I may not. I’m done with doing things the old way,” he said. “Me and Rhen are going to have a little talk.”
Eventine grabbed for him, but he was already heading out the door.
***
Leilani arrived in the meadow and immediately collapsed on the Path of the Catamount, burying her face in her arms and crying bitterly. Jaggar could insist it wasn’t her fault all he wanted, but she knew different. She’d always known different, and now she had the proof.
She lay there for too long to think about, staring at the dirt beneath her, her heart breaking. She was back in the meadow with a clear mind and eyes that worked, but she had abandoned her mate.
In the meadow, the clock was still in her mind, and it still called to her, but not in the same way it did elsewhere. It was easier to not look at it there. She gazed at the Path of the Catamount, instead, relishing the return of her sight and the lack of silver in her vision.
The catamount padded up to her softly, making a chuffing noise in the back of her throat, the one word she spoke reinforcing to Leilani how wrong she was. Why? the catamount said in Leilani’s mind.
“I don’t deserve him,” Leilani said, not wanting to believe it, but the thought was so real, the feelings it brought so intense, they couldn’t be ignored.
Why, because you were thrust into something you couldn’t control, and things were done to you? No one is perfect, Lele, no one is untouched by life. You’ve had a big life, a hard life, but so has he. He doesn’t condemn you. Of course you deserve him.
Leilani could only cry. If the catamount was right, then she actually was wrong, because Leilani had run from him at the first opportunity, which meant she was weak and she didn’t deserve him. But if the catamount was wrong, then Leilani was weak and she didn’t deserve him. The thoughts haunted her and even the meadow was no refuge from them.
Who is doing it to you right now, Lele? Who has taken you from your mate?
Leilani didn’t want to admit it had been her. She didn’t answer. She pulled in on herself instead.
The catamount snarled, scaring Leilani. She popped onto her knees and scooted away from the catamount. But a scene from the Ula was playing over the edge of the meadow.
There is your mate, the catamount said. He will do anything to find you. You hurt him by hiding from him.
“I know,” Leilani cried, wanting to explain how it was in her body, how every time she let go of Jaggar, or he let go of her, she spun out of control, unable to control her thoughts and her body and her power. But her attention was drawn by Jaggar. A tall, muscular man with days of growth on his face and the scariest expression she’d ever seen. He ran through the forest, yelling her name. “Leilani,” he cried. He ran faster, faster than he should be able to. The beast rippled over his features like he was partially shifting and didn’t know it, and she was scared for him, for what he might do, for what was at the end of the path he ran on.
The trail divided and Jaggar turned to the left, away from the farm. “Where is he going?” she asked the catamount, afraid she knew, somehow, she knew.
The forest opened up into a train track down the center of it. Jaggar ran easily onto the track, his big strides landing on every fourth or fifth railroad tie. His feet were still bare and he didn’t care at all. He tucked in his elbows and ran, calli
ng her name.
“No,” Leilani said. “He’s not going to jump off.” She grabbed at the catamount and got herself nipped for it. She ignored it, still reaching. “Tell me he’s not going to jump off.”
“Here I come, Leilani, you tell your catamount to catch me,” he yelled as he passed the area where the train track was still over firm earth. Below him, the land plunged steeply, sixty feet straight down, all the way to a river that overflowed in the spring but was currently non-existent.
Leilani faced the catamount, standing, pleading with her. “Save him, you have to save him.”
Never, the catamount said. I will not admit him to the meadow, I cannot. You-
“Fight me for him,” Leilani said frantically, her mind going feral. She would do whatever she had to.
You don’t understand, Lele, call out to the wolf, hurry! The wolf is another guardian, and he may admit Jaggar. Do it! she ordered, her eyes on the edge. Jaggar had veered toward the side of the track. He never slowed, only jumped, calling his mate’s name as he went. “Leilani!”
Leilani spun, her face to the sky with no sun. “Please, wolf, his name is Jaggar, and he’s a good male! Please let him in!”
Leilani could not watch, but she heard her mate hit the ground with a thud. Her mind shattered, but before she could collapse, the catamount snarled once and said, He is allowed, you can meet him at the end of the path.
“Oh!” Leilani said, her heart trying to hold it together. She snuck the tiniest glance at the image that was showing of the Ula. Jaggar had shifted into the beast, healing his injuries, but when he shifted back, he lay still and as if sleeping… or dead.
He is alive.
“What about his… body?”
I will watch over it.
“Ok.” It was good enough. It had to be good enough. Leilani ran down the path to the open meadow of flowers where Eventine’s office was, in her bare feet, one heel bandaged, not completely believing anything that just happened.
She would believe it when she saw her mate.
26 – Jaggar in the Meadow
Jaggar came in swinging, hate in his heart. It was a long-buried hate, a longer-denied hate, but it was there just the same, and it ate at him every day.
His feet touched down on a forest path and he didn’t stop to wonder that he’d actually made it, or if he’d really believed that he would.
“Rhen,” he shouted, before he got a good look at the place. It was a dark forest, the darkest he’d ever been in, with trees as big around as Redwoods shooting skyward on both sides. These weren’t Redwoods, though, these were Illinois-true White Oaks, proud and strong and familiar, just big.
On both sides of him, an animal sprang forward, landing first on front paws, then running past with a fluid motion. A timber wolf on his left, a silver-gray mountain lion on his right. His animals. He searched for their renqua, but could not tell what the mountain lion’s renqua was. The wolf’s looked like an anchor, and that would make perfect sense, but Jaggar had only a blotch, a formless shape that sometimes looked like a tornado viewed from the side, but mostly looked like nothing. He’d always wondered if his renqua was really two renquas mashed together, much like the beast.
As they passed, the lion swiped at the wolf and the wolf growled at the lion, and then they separated, the wolf peeling into the forest, the mountain lion running past on the trail.
Jaggar shook his pain-free head, knowing he would be easily able to convince himself he was dead, or dreaming, but he didn’t try. This was real. It was real, and Rhen had some questions to answer.
“Rhen, show yourself,” he shouted again into the trees, turning once to assess the area behind him, shouting all the louder for his irreverence.
A timber wolf came out of the trees in front of him. He sensed it and turned back. His own wolf drew close to it, falling in step behind it.
His own animal facing him. Opposing him?
Jaggar thought he would be offended for his own wolf to choose this wolf over him, but all he felt was awed. The large gray timber wolf looked much like his wolf, but bigger, and with more presence than Jaggar had ever felt before. If he didn’t know better, he would swear this was Rhen herself.
Do you always yell when you enter someone’s home? The voice came at him from everywhere, from the forest itself, and Jaggar knew at once it came from the majestic wolf.
He didn’t answer, only watched and evaluated, not ready to play his hand just yet, or not able to speak, he wasn’t certain which.
The wolf spoke again. If that’s how you act, then the catamount is wrong about you and you are a beast.
“Who are you?” Jaggar asked slowly, without regret, somehow knowing he was not being challenged, only… played with. The wolf was testing him.
I am Wulf, a guardian of the meadow.
“That is your name?”
Yes, W-U-L-F, Wulf.
“Are you Rhen?” He felt around for his anger. It was still there, but the meadow and this paragon wolf were muting it, making it seem less… important.
No.
“But you defend her?”
Wulf didn’t answer, only stared.
Jaggar raised his chin. “Look what she did to me,” he said simply, knowing he was not divided in the meadow, but also knowing Wulf knew what he was all about.
Everything is useful, Wulf said. There is value in differences. I see nothing wrong with what she did. I see nothing wrong with what you are.
Jaggar only shook his head. “Pain makes the wolf, is that it?”
Wulf did not move. He stood like a statue, and his words reverberated around Jaggar, reflecting in his strong gaze. Something like that. Your pain is not you, Jaggar, and it will not last forever. It has made you strong, and it will give back to you even more over your lifetime. Rhen does not gift pain lightly.
“A gift. That’s what this is?” Jaggar would have laughed, if his own wolf were not staring at him from behind Wulf, imploring him to let go of some of that bitterness, just a little, let the meadow steal it from him on a passing breeze.
The guardian only stared at him. When he finally spoke, the subject was closed.
Your female is waiting for you at the end of the path.
27 – Hi. Hi.
Leilani reached the meadow and ran into it in her bare feet, the soft emerald-green plants cushioning her footfalls. Jaggar in the meadow! Her every sense was heightened and alive with anticipation. She would get to see his face and touch him and talk to him with a clear mind. Would he forgive her for leaving?
She didn’t see him in the meadow. She stopped, got real still, and let her eyes roam over the area, first the open meadow itself, then the bordering forest, then Eventine’s office. She saw no sign of him at all. Only tiny pink animals moved through the flowers, rabbits and maybe chipmunks, she wasn’t sure. Butterflies and bees droned lazily over the top of the plants in the light, but no Jaggar.
Leilani ran to the first forest path to the left of “her” path, the Path of the Catamount. This was the Path of the Wolf. She stared down it, listening hard but hearing nothing. This path was different than the meadow itself, and different than her path. The trees were massive and a normal green and brown color, their branches obscuring any clear view she might have. The path itself twisted at its halfway point, and she could see no farther. She didn’t quite dare to step on the path, even if no one had ever told her not to. That was part of the knowing of being there. She knew she was only safe in the meadow itself and on the Path of the Catamount.
A big cat, as big as the catamount, turned the corner of the path she was staring down, running for her. Her first thought was that she should be afraid, but she wasn’t. She knew who this was. The cat leapt for her, grabbing her around the shoulders, and down they went in a heap into the flowers.
Leilani laughed as she fell, all her fear and shame falling away. The mountain lion-she decided to call it a mountain lion and hoped that was right-the mountain lion pulled at her and licked her f
ace incessantly, much like a puppy would, not knowing its own strength, wrenching her around with enthusiasm.
“Shh, shh,” she told him, patting at his face and chest with her hands. “Calm down, handsome guy, I don’t have any fur to handle all this attention.”
The mountain lion shot to his feet and ran in a graceful little circle, then somersaulted, then shot into the air in pure joy, then caught sight of his own tail and grabbed at it, biting it once, hard.
Tabias, to me. The voice of the catamount sounded all around them. Tabias? Leilani watched the big cat carefully. He stopped his play, then padded over to where she still sat in the flowers. She smiled, feeling happy for the first time since Eventine had first brought her to the meadow. Tabias licked her hair a few times from crown to ends, then nuzzled her under her chin, and then he headed off for the path she’d come from. Leilani watched him go. He had a mark on his left shoulder. Two slim, long arrows, set on a narrow cant from each other, anchored in the middle by a circle. They were rather like watch hands set at 12:05. It made her think of the clock in her mind. 12:00 was home. 12:05? Close enough to home to make her heart hurt.
Leilani got to her feet, hearing more movement on the path. Two wolves were approaching, and she could not tell the difference between them. This time, she was afraid, not of Jaggar’s wolf, but of the guardian. Problem was, she did not know which was which, only that they looked exactly the same, except one was bigger. They were both gray wolves with lighter bellies and lush fur fringes around their heads, their ears perked and moving constantly. They held their heads lower than the line of their backs as they loped toward her, and both seemed to have their eyes narrowed, although she knew that was just how they looked.
The smaller of the two, still a massive animal by anyone’s standards, approached her stoically, while the other peeled off and sat a short distance away, watching them. This was Jaggar’s wolf. He was so beautiful she could cry. There was a lot of that going around. She held her breath. The wolf stretched its neck to her and she bent slightly. It licked her face once, twice, then left her and went to the guardian. The two of them entered another path, and just before they turned down it, she saw Jaggar’s wolf had a black anchor marked in the fur of its shoulder.