by Laura Kaye
“Feeling better?” her dad asked. She nodded. He wiped his hands on a tea towel and took her bags. “Let me help with these,” he said, carrying them into the living room for her. She followed him in and was just about to comment on how pretty the Christmas tree looked when he turned with his arms wide open.
Swallowing the words, Makenna fell into his embrace, needing it like she hadn’t needed a hug from her father in years. Needing the support and the protection and the unconditional love she’d always found in this man, who’d managed to give her and her brothers everything they needed in a family, even though they’d all lost their mother.
“Merry Christmas, Daddy,” she said.
“It is now that all my kids are home.” He put his arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen. “Hungry?’
“Famished, actually,” and she was. Being here was good. Being here helped. It beat back the loneliness she’d been battling. It proved she wasn’t alone, no matter what. It distracted her from her troubles. And it reminded her that, as much as she’d lost, she had so very much to be grateful for, too.
“Where are Collin and Ian?” she asked, bumping her shoulder against Patrick’s. He pulled her into a one-armed hug.
“They were getting cleaned up. Should be down any minute,” her dad said as he poured a few circles of batter onto the griddle.
“How’s Caden? What’s he doing today?” Patrick asked.
Makenna was prepared for this one. “Since he had Thanksgiving off, he had to work Christmas.” At least that’s what he’d said back at Thanksgiving. She wasn’t sure if he was back to work or not. She hadn’t let herself call Bear again, and he hadn’t called her.
Patrick nodded. “I hear that. I’m on tonight, but at least I have the day.”
Footsteps on the stairs sounded out, and then Collin and Ian joined them in the kitchen. Another round of hugs and greetings and Christmas wishes ensued.
“How are you feeling?” Makenna asked Collin. His hair had grown in enough to begin to cover the scar on the side of his forehead.
“Doing okay. Still having some headaches, but it’s better than it was,” he said. “I wish Caden had come. I would’ve liked to thank him for everything he did while I was actually with it.”
Makenna hugged herself and forced a smile. “You did thank him. Anyway, he’d tell you he was just doing his job.”
“Still,” her father said, pointing with his spatula, “he made a bad night better. Him and Patrick both. I’ll never forget that.”
A knot of emotion lodged in Makenna’s throat. “Can I have blueberries in my pancakes, Dad?”
“Heck, yeah. Blueberries, chocolate chips, M&Ms, whatever you kids want,” her dad said with a laugh.
That set off a flurry of conversation about the pancakes that thankfully got them off of talking about Caden. Makenna ducked her head into the fridge as she looked for the blueberries and the strawberries Collin wanted.
Christmas breakfast was its usual fun and rowdy affair. They talked, joked, laughed. Her dad told stories from when they were kids, including a few about their mom. That was part of their tradition. Their mother might not be with them anymore, but she was still a part of them. Her dad made sure of it.
And that was the moment it really hit Makenna that her baby was going to grow up without a parent just like she had.
She made a quick excuse and slipped away from the table, hoping her exit hadn’t appeared as hurried as it felt. She made a beeline for the hall bathroom and locked herself inside. And damn if her first thought wasn’t about the time she’d locked her and Caden inside the very same room so she could talk to him about Cameron.
She sagged back against the door, silent tears rolling down her face. She fought against them, knowing if she let the flood gates open she might not be able to close them again. Her quiet sniffles and shuddered breaths filled the room.
Maybe the baby wouldn’t grow up without one of his parents. Maybe once she told Caden about the baby, he’d at least want to be involved in the kid’s life.
Because she absolutely had to tell Caden. She knew that. And she planned to do it. The question was when. She hadn’t told him yet because she’d been hoping he’d realize he made a mistake and come back to her—and if he did, she wanted it to be for them. Makenna and Caden. Not because she was pregnant with his baby.
So, at some point, she was going to have to talk to him again. To see him. At the very least, she wanted to give Caden the opportunity to see the baby during her next ultrasound. He deserved that. He deserved to be involved, to know his child.
That appointment wasn’t for another six weeks, but Makenna was already excited because it was the one where she could learn the baby’s sex. She’d already decided that she wanted to know. For some reason, when she thought about the baby, she always thought of him as a boy. Maternal instinct or pure randomness? She’d find out soon.
Pull it together, Makenna.
Right.
She cleaned up her face and took a deep breath, then walked out the door.
And nearly walked into Patrick, standing in the hallway. Arms crossed. Clearly waiting. “Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” he asked.
Leave it to Patrick to realize something was wrong. “Nothing,” she said, giving him a smile.
He arched an eyebrow, his frown deepening.
Makenna sighed. “Later.”
“Promise?” he asked. She nodded, and he pulled her into his arms. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
A quick nod against his chest, and then she pulled away. “Come on. It’s time for presents.”
Later came faster than Makenna hoped. Certainly faster than she was prepared for. Though, honestly, there was really no way to prepare for what she had to tell her family.
They’d exchanged presents. Watched A Christmas Story—because it really wasn’t Christmas without Ralphie wanting a BB gun and shooting his eye out. Helped their dad make their traditional beef tenderloin dinner. And now that they’d eaten and dinner was all cleaned up, Patrick kept giving her that eyebrow.
If she didn’t say something, he would.
“Can we all sit in the living room for a minute? I need to tell you guys something,” Makenna finally said, her belly flipping.
“Is everything okay?” her dad asked, coming around the kitchen island to her.
“Yeah, but, can we just go sit down?” she asked.
The guys all gave her strange looks, but everyone followed her in and took seats around the room, Dad and Patrick on either side of her on the couch. The Christmas tree stood in front of the big window and threw off a multi-colored glow from the hundreds of lights strung through its branches. She’d missed decorating it yesterday, the day the James family had decorated its tree for as long as she could remember.
“What is it, Makenna?” her dad asked.
Makenna’s heart thundered against her breastbone and a tingly nervousness fluttered through her. “So, I have some news.”
Beside her, Patrick heaved a deep breath.
She met his gaze, and then her dad’s, and then Collin’s and Ian’s. “I’m pregnant.” Makenna nearly held her breath waiting for their reaction.
For a moment, no one said a thing, and then her father moved closer. “Um.” A series of emotions flickered over his face. “A baby is, uh, pretty amazing news, Makenna. But why do I feel like there’s more?”
She hugged herself and nodded. “Because—”
“What does Caden have to say about this?” Patrick asked, his expression as serious as a heart attack. His narrowed eyes had her feeling like he’d already pieced this story together. It was the damn police officer in him.
“He doesn’t know,” she said, giving him a look that pleaded for his support.
“What?” Ian said.
“Why not?” Collin asked.
Everyone started talking at once, and her father hushed them all. “Tell us what’s going on,” he said, taking her hand.
“Um.” She swallo
wed around the lump in her throat and fought back the emotion threatening to overwhelm her. “So, we broke up a few weeks ago. I’m not really sure what happened, to be honest. Caden had been really sick and stayed at his house. And then when I saw him after he was better, he just seemed off. He said we were moving too fast for him, and that was it. I’d just found out that I was pregnant and in the midst of everything, I didn’t have a chance to tell him. And then I didn’t want to tell him if that was the thing that would make him come back.”
His expression full of concern, her father nodded. “How far along are you?”
“Almost twelve weeks,” she said. “I’m seeing a doctor and everything looks good.”
“Are you going to tell him?” Collin asked. All three of her brothers wore the same look on their faces—part concerned, part angry, but trying to rein the latter in.
“Yeah,” she said. “I’m going to invite him to my next ultrasound, which isn’t for over a month.”
“So, you’re keeping it?” Ian asked. Only the gentleness of his tone kept her from flipping out on him.
“Of course, I’m keeping it. This is my baby, too.” The one bright spot of certainty in all of this was knowing without question or reservation that she wanted this baby. No matter what, he’d been conceived in love. And she already loved him. And if this was the only part of Caden she got to have, she was holding on tight with both hands. “So, that’s…that’s my news,” she managed.
“Aw, you’re going to be an amazing mother,” her dad said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “And we’ll be here for you every step of the way.”
The unconditional support beckoned the tears she’d been holding back. Finally sharing this news with her family took such a weight off her shoulders. “Thanks,” she whispered.
“And I’m sorry about Caden,” her dad said as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I know this isn’t easy.”
She gave a quick nod, sniffling. “I’m sorry, too.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?” Patrick asked, sitting forward next to her.
“About?” she asked, studying her brother’s face.
He braced his elbows on his knees. “Just feels like something doesn’t add up, Makenna. The guy I met on Thanksgiving was way into you. Then two weeks later, he’s just up and done?” Patrick shook his head. “Something doesn’t add up. And I’d kind of like to know what it is since Caden’s presumably going to be in your life whether you’re together or not.”
Makenna was torn, especially since his instincts were on the money. There was more to it. And it had to do with Caden’s history. In saying she deserved more than him, he’d all but laid that out. But his pain felt too private to share with them, even if it would help explain hers. “Let me think about it,” she said, scrubbing at her cheeks. “But I appreciate it.”
“Okay,” Patrick said, clearly unhappy not to get the go-ahead. “Just say the word.”
“Dad’s right,” Ian said. “You’re gonna be great, Makenna.”
“Yeah,” Collin said. “And we’re gonna be the most awesome uncles ever.”
That set off a round of jokes and plans for the baby that had Makenna crying again, this time with happy tears. “Thank you,” she said, her cheeks hurting from smiling. “Thank you for being here for me.”
“That’s what family’s for,” her dad said. “No matter what.”
“No matter what,” Patrick said, nodding.
“Absolutely,” Ian said.
“No matter what, Sis,” Collin said. “Except for changing poopy diapers. That’s all Patrick.”
Of course, her brothers couldn’t pass up a good opportunity to make jokes about poop, which had them all laughing again. The tension bled out of Makenna’s shoulders as she shook her head at them and laughed along. She was going to be okay, because she had these four amazing men standing at her side.
But who did Caden have?
Chapter Nineteen
The new year hadn’t made Caden a new man, but at least he was eating more and showering regularly and basically fucking functioning. Thanks to Joe. And twice-a-week sessions the past three weeks with Dr. Ward. And the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals.
Most of the time, it felt like he was making a slow climb up a steep mountain carrying a big-ass rock on his back, but at least he was climbing. That was a victory in and of itself. And he was working on giving himself some credit. Baby steps, man, that’s what he was all about these days.
Sitting on the bed in Joe’s guest room, Caden dragged the cardboard box full of unopened mail in front of him. Joe had brought it over from Caden’s house after his shift the evening before. Now that Caden was rocking out all this basic functioning, it was time for him to try to take care of a few other key parts of his life. Like paying his mortgage. And keeping the damn electricity current so his place would have heat. Last thing he needed was to come home from this little sojourn at Chez Flaherty to find his pipes burst and his basement flooded.
He sorted through the box. Bill, bill, bill. Junk, junk, junk. Magazine, magazine. An invitation to the wedding of one of the guys at the station. More bills, some of them stamped Second Notice. Tons of fucking junk. A Christmas card.
He did a double take at the return address.
A Christmas card from Makenna.
He stared at it for a long moment. He’d walked out on her…and she’d sent him a Christmas card?
His gut clenched. He flipped the envelope over. Stared at the sealed flap. And finally ripped through it.
The card actually made him smile—and he couldn’t remember when he’d last done that. It had a picture of a miserable blond-haired boy wearing a pink bunny costume and read, He looks like a deranged Easter bunny!
From The Christmas Story movie. A freaking classic.
Leave it to Makenna.
As fast as he’d managed that smile, it slid back off his face. They could’ve watched that together, sharing stupid humor movies like they always had. More than that, they could’ve celebrated Christmas together. Their first. If Caden hadn’t fallen the fuck apart.
How much more of his present and his future was he going to let his past destroy?
Fuck.
He heaved a deep breath. Eyes on the prize, Grayson. Getting better. Getting whole. Rebuilding his life. And making right all the things he’d done wrong.
Hesitating just one more moment, he opened the card. There was no printed text on the inside, just Makenna’s looping handwriting.
Dear Caden,
I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you. And if you need me, I’m here for you. I can’t say I understand what happened between us, only that I’m willing to listen. I don’t deserve more than you, because there is nothing more than you for me.
I still love…that elevator.
Merry Christmas,
Makenna
Caden read it over and over until he had the words memorized. He could still hear her voice saying I love that elevator that very first night they’d met. After hours of being trapped in the elevator and the most incredible sex of his life, she’d invited him to stay the night with her. When they’d settled into each other’s arms, she’d blurted out, I love… And then she’d covered herself by adding that elevator. Caden had thought it was cute. It had given him hope that maybe she was feeling him with the same crazy intensity that he’d been feeling her. And in the days and weeks that followed, that had seemed to be true.
Until, somewhere along the way, he’d stopped trusting himself, the situation, his happiness, and maybe even her. He knocked his numb-ass skull back against the headboard. In that moment, he wouldn’t have been surprised if a cartoon lightbulb suddenly appeared over his head. He’d stopped trusting her…not to abandon him. And so he’d done the leaving.
He’d made his own worst fears come true.
Brilliant fucking job.
Blowing out a long breath, he rubbed his fingers over what she’d written. There is nothing more than y
ou for me. Could she really believe that? And could he get himself to a place where he did, too?
He picked up the envelope and found the postmark—she’d sent the card on December twentieth. Almost four weeks ago. He knew it was expecting too much to hope she might wait for him, to wait for him to be better. Not just for her, but for both of them. Especially when she had no way of knowing that he was trying to find his way back to himself, so he might earn a chance to come back to her.
He looked at what she’d written again. Once, twice, he swallowed around a lump that had lodged in his throat, and then he whispered, “Aw, Red. I still love that elevator, too.”
The next week, Caden moved home and started back to work. He’d been off for almost six weeks and he was starting to go stir crazy sitting around Joe’s house. It was time to get a life. His.
Truth be told, he was fucking nervous about walking back into the firehouse again. No doubt the rumors were flying about what had happened to him, especially given how bad a shape he’d been in those last few days on the job. And if the guys didn’t have an idea of what might’ve been going on with him before, they’d probably get the gist just by looking at him—while he’d gained twelve pounds back so far, he was still down twenty from where he’d been at the beginning of December.
A shadow of his former self, maybe, but no longer a ghost.
Never again.
But his nerves would have to fucking suck it. Because he needed the work—not just for the money, but because he needed to help people. Right now, he was all about playing to his strengths, and doing his job had always been one. That much he could definitely give himself credit for.
He shouldn’t have been worried.
To a man, they were nothing but happy to have him back. Even better, the day was a marathon of calls, one after the other, but it was smooth sailing all the way. Clocking out at the end of the shift made him feel ten feet tall. It had been just the confidence booster he needed.
And it gave him a little hope, too.
If he could get back on his feet at work, maybe, just maybe, that meant he could make things right in other parts of his life as well. Above all else, he wanted to make things right with Makenna.