Pyramids

by Terry Pratchett

Page 4

 

  Not any? he said.

  Theres buckets and things, said Teppic vaguely, and lots of servants.

  Bit old fashioned, this kingdom of yours?

  Teppic nodded. Its the pyramids, he said. They take all the money.

  Expensive things, I should imagine.

  Not particularly. Theyre just made of stone. Teppic sighed. Weve got lots of stone, he said, and sand. Stone and sand. Were really big on them. If you ever need any stone and sand, were the people for you. Its fitting out the insides that is really expensive. Were still avoiding paying for grandfathers, and that wasnt very big. Just three chambers. Teppic turned and looked out of the window; they were back in the dormitory at this point.

  The whole kingdoms in debt, he said, quietly. I mean even our debts are in debt. Thats why Im here, really. Someone in our house needs to earn some money. A royal prince cant hang around looking ornamental any more. Hes got to get out and do something useful in the community.

  Chidder leaned on the window sill.

  Couldnt you take some of the stuff out of the pyramids, then? he said.

  Dont be silly.

  Sorry.

  Teppic gloomily watched the figures below.

  Theres a lot of people here, he said, to change the subject. I didnt realise it would be so big. He shivered. Or so cold, he added.

  People drop out all the time, said Chidder. Cant stand the course. The important thing is to know whats what and whos who. See that fellow over there?

  Teppic followed his pointing finger to a group of older students, who were lounging against the pillars by the entrance.

  The big one? Face like the end of your boot?

  Thats Fliemoe. Watch out for him. If he invites you for toast in his study, dont go.

  And whos the little kid with the curls? said Teppic. He pointed to a small lad receiving the attentions of a washed-out looking lady. She was licking her handkerchief and dabbing apparent smudges off his face. When she stopped that, she straightened his tie.

  Chidder craned to see. Oh, just some new kid, he said. Arthur someone. Still hanging on to his mummy, I see. He wont last long.

  Oh, I dont know, said Teppic. We do, too, and weve lasted for thousands of years.

  A disc of glass dropped into the silent building and tinkled on the floor. There was no other sound for several minutes. Then there was the faint clonk-clonk of an oil can. A shadow that had been lying naturally on the window sill, a morgue for blue-bottles, turned out to be an arm which was moving with vegetable slowness towards the windows catch.

  There was a scrape of metal, and then the whole window swung out in tribological silence.

  Teppic dropped over the sill and vanished into the shadow below it.

  For a minute or two the dusty space was filled with the intense absence of noise caused by someone moving with extreme care. Once again there was the squirting of oil, and then a metallic whisper as the bolt of a trapdoor leading on to the roof moved gently aside.

  Teppic waited for his breath to catch up with him, and in that moment heard the sound. It was down among the white noise at the edge of hearing, but there was no doubt about it. Someone was waiting just above the trapdoor, and theyd just put their hand on a piece of paper to stop it rattling in the breeze.

  His own hand dropped from the bolt. He eased his way with exquisite care back across the greasy floor and felt his way along a rough wooden wall until he came to the door. This time he took no chances, but uncorked his oil can and let a silent drop fall on to the hinges.

  A moment later he was through. A rat, idly patrolling the draughty passage beyond, had to stop itself from swallowing its own tongue as he floated past.

  There was another doorway at the end, and a maze of musty storerooms until he found a stairway. He judged himself to be about thirty yards from the trapdoor. There hadnt been any flues that he could see. There ought to be a clear shot across the roof.

  He hunkered down and pulled out his knife roll, its velvet blackness making a darker oblong in the shadows. He selected a Number Five, not everyones throwing knife, but worthwhile if you had the trick of it.

  Shortly afterwards his head rose very carefully over the edge of the roof, one arm bent behind it but ready to uncurl in a complex interplay of forces that would combine to send a few ounces of steel gliding across the night.

  Mericet was sitting by the trapdoor, looking at his clipboard. Teppics eyes swivelled to the oblong of the plank bridge, stored meticulously against the parapet a few feet away.

  He was certain he had made no noise. Hed have to swear that the examiner heard the sound of his gaze falling on him.

  The old man raised his bald head.

  Thank you, Mr Teppic, he said, you may proceed.

  Teppic felt the sweat of his body grow cold. He stared at the plank, and then at the examiner, and then at his knife. Ys, sir, he said. This didnt seem like enough, in the circumstances. He added, Thank you, sir.

  Hed always remember the first night in the dormitory. It was long enough to accommodate all eighteen boys in Viper House, and draughty enough to accommodate the great outdoors. Its designer may have had comfort in mind, but only so that he could avoid it wherever possible: he had contrived a room that could actually be colder than the weather outside.

  I thought we got rooms to ourselves, said Teppic.

  Chidder, who had laid claim to the least exposed bed in the whole refrigerator, nodded at him.

  Later on, he said. He lay back, and winced. Do they sharpen these springs, do you reckon?

  Teppic said nothing. The bed was in fact rather more comfortable than the one hed slept in at home. His parents, being high born, naturally tolerated conditions for their children which would have been rejected out of hand by destitute sandflies.

  He stretched out on the thin mattress and analysed the days events. Hed been enrolled as an assassin, all right, a student assassin, for more than seven hours and they hadnt even let him lay a hand on a knife yet. Of course, tomorrow was another day . . .

  Chidder leaned over.

  Wheres Arthur? he said.

  Teppic looked at the bed opposite him. There was a pathetically small sack of clothing positioned neatly in its centre, but no sign of its intended occupant.

  Do you think hes run away? he said, staring around at the shadows.

  Could be, said Chidder. It happens a lot, you know. Mummys boys, away from home for the first time-

  The door at the end of the room swung open slowly and Arthur entered, backwards, tugging a large and very reluctant billy goat. It fought him every step of the way down the aisle between the bedsteads.

  The boys watched in silence for several minutes as he tethered the animal to the end of his bed, upended the sack on the blankets, and took out several black candles, a sprig of herbs, a rope of skulls, and a piece of chalk. Taking the chalk, and adopting the shiny, pink-faced expression of someone who is going to do what they know to be right no matter what, Arthur drew a double circle around his bed and then, getting down on his chubby knees, filled the space between them with as unpleasant a collection of occult symbols as Teppic. had ever seen. When they were completed to his satisfaction he placed the candles at strategic points and lit them; they spluttered and gave off a smell that suggested that you really wouldnt want to know what they were made of. He drew a short, red-handled knife from the jumble on the bed and advanced towards the goat-

  A pillow hit him on the back of the head.

  Garn! Pious little bastard!

  Arthur dropped the knife and burst into tears. Chidder sat up in bed.

  That was you, Cheesewright! he said. I saw you! Cheesewright, a skinny young man with red hair and a face that was one large freckle, glared at him.

  Well, its too much, he said. A fellow cant sleep with all this religion going on. I mean, only little kids say their prayers at bedtime these days, were supposed to be learning to be assassins-r />
  You can jolly well shut up, Cheesewright, shouted Chidder. Itd be a better world if more people said their prayers, you know. I know I dont say mine as often as I should-

  A pillow cut him off in mid-sentence. He bounded out of bed and vaulted at the red-haired boy, fists flailing.

  As the rest of the dormitory gathered around the scuffling pair Teppic slid out of bed and padded over to Arthur, who was sitting on the edge of his bed and sobbing.

  He patted him uncertainly on the shoulder, on the basis that this sort of thing was supposed to reassure people.

  I shouldnt cry about it, youngster, he said, gruffly.

  But - but all the runes have been scuffed, said Arthur. Its all too late now! And that means the Great Om will come in the night and wind out my entrails on a stick!

  Does it?

  And suck out my eyes, my mother said!

  Gosh! said Teppic, fascinated. Really? He was quite glad his bed was opposite Arthurs, and would offer an unrivalled view. What religion would this be?

  Were Strict Authorised Ormits, said Arthur. He blew his nose. I noticed you dont pray, he said. Dont you have a god?

  Oh yes, said Teppic hesitantly, no doubt about that.

  You dont seem to want to talk to him.

  Teppic shook his head. I cant, he said, not here. He wouldnt be able to hear, you see.

  My god can hear me anywhere, said Arthur fervently.

  Well, mine has difficulty if youre on the other side of the room, said Teppic. It can be very embarrassing.

  Youre not an Offlian, are you? said Arthur. Offler was a Crocodile God, and lacked ears.

  No.

  What god do you worship, then?

  Not exactly worship, said Teppic, discomforted. I wouldnt say worship. I mean, hes all right. Hes my father, if you must know.

  Arthurs pink-rimmed eyes widened.

  Youre the son of a god? he whispered.

  Its all part of being a king, where I come from, said Teppic hurriedly. He doesnt have to do very much. That is, the priests do the actual running of the country. He just makes sure that the river floods every year, dyou see, and services the Great Cow of the Arch of the Sky. Well, used to.

  The Great-

  My mother, explained Teppic. Its all very embarrassing.

  Does he smite people?

  I dont think so. Hes never said.

  Arthur reached down to the end of the bed. The goat, in the confusion, had chewed through its rope and trotted out of the door, vowing to give up religion in future.

  Im going to get into awful trouble, he said. I suppose you couldnt ask your father to explain things to the Great OM?

  He might be able to, said Teppic doubtfully. I was going to write home tomorrow anyway.

  The Great Orm is normally to be found in one of the Nether Hells, said Arthur, where he watches everything we do. Everything I do, anyway. Theres only me and mother left now, and she doesnt do much that needs watching.

  Ill be sure and tell him.

  Do you think the Great Orm will come tonight?

  I shouldnt think so. Ill ask my father to be sure and tell him not to.

  At the other end of the dormitory Chidder was kneeling on Cheesewrights back and knocking his head repeatedly against the wall.

  Say it again, he commanded. Come on - “Theres nothing wrong-”

  “Theres nothing wrong with a chap being man enough-” curse you, Chidder, you beastly-

  I cant hear you, Cheesewright, said Chidder.

  “Man enough to say his prayers in front of other chaps”, you rotter.

  Right. And dont you forget it.