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Oh, Sod, moaned Gern.
Dil struck him across the arm.
Stop that, he said. And come with me.
Oh, master, whatever shall we do?
Dil looked around at the sleeping city. He hadnt the faintest idea.
Well go to the palace, he said firmly. Its probably a trick of the, of the, of the dark. Anyway, the sun will be up presently.
He strode off, wishing he could change places with Gern and show just a hint of gibbering terror. The apprentice followed him at a sort of galloping creep.
I can see shadows against the stars, master! Can you see them, master? Around the edge of the world, master!
Just mists, boy, said Dil, resolutely keeping his eyes fixed in front of him and maintaining a dignified posture as appropriate to the Keeper of the Left Hand Door of the Matron Lodge and holder of several medals for needlework.
There, he said. See, Gern, the sun is coming up!
They stood and watched it.
Then Gern whimpered, very quietly.
Rising up the sky, very slowly, was a great flaming ball. And it was being pushed by a dung beetle bigger than worlds.
BOOK III
The Book of the New Son
The sun rose and, because this wasnt the Old Kingdom out here, it was a mere ball of flaming gas. The purple night of the high desert evaporated under its blowlamp glare. Lizards scuffled into cracks in the rocks. You Bastard settled himself down in the sparse shadow of what was left of the syphacia bushes, peered haughtily at the landscape, and began to chew cud and calculate square roots in base seven.
Teppic and Ptraci eventually found the shade of a limestone overhang, and sat glumly staring out at the waves of heat wobbling off the rocks.
I dont understand, said Ptraci. Have you looked everywhere?
Its a country! It cant just bloody well fall through a hole in the ground!
Where is it, then? said Ptraci evenly.
Teppic growled. The heat struck like a hammer, but he strode out over the rocks as though three hundred square miles could perhaps have been hiding under a pebble or behind a bush.
The fact was that the track dipped between the cliffs, but almost immediately rose again and continued across the dunes into what was quite clearly Tsort. Hed recognised a wind-eroded sphinx that had been set up as a boundary marker; legend said it prowled the borders in times of dire national need, although legend wasnt sure why.
He knew they had galloped into Ephebe. He should be looking across the fertile, pyramid-speckled valley of the Djel that lay between the two countries.
Hed spent an hour looking for it.
It was inexplicable. It was uncanny. It was also extremely embarrassing.
He shaded his eyes and stared around for the thousandth time at the silent, baking landscape. And moved his head. And saw Djelibeybi.
It flashed across his vision in an instant. He jerked his eyes back and saw it again, a brief flash of misty colour that vanished as soon as he concentrated on it.
Some minutes later Ptraci peered out of the shade and saw him get down on his hands and knees. When he started turning over rocks she decided it was time he should come back in out of the sun.
He shook her hand off his shoulder, and gestured impatiently. Ive found it! He pulled a knife from his boot and started poking at the stones.
Where?
Here!
She laid a ringed hand on his forehead.
Oh yes, she said. I see. Yes. Good. Now I think youd better come into the shade.
No, I mean it! Here! Look!
She hunkered down and stared at the rock, to humour him.
Theres a crack, she said, doubtfully.
Look at it, will you? You have to turn your head and sort of look out of the corner of your eye. Teppics dagger smacked into the crack, which was no more than a faint line on the rock.
Well, it goes on a long way, said Ptraci, staring along the burning pavement.
All the way from the Second Cataract to the Delta, said Teppic. Covering your eye with one hand helps. Please give it a try. Please!
She put one hesitant hand over her eye and squinted obediently at the rock.
Eventually she said. Its no good, I cant - seeee- She stayed motionless for a moment and then flung herself sideways on to the rocks. Teppic stopped trying to hammer the knife into the crack and crawled over to her.
I was right on the edge! she wailed.
You saw it? he said hopefully.
She nodded and, with great care, got to her feet and backed away.
Did your eyes feel as though they were being turned inside out? said Teppic.
Yes, said Ptraci coldly. Can I have my bangles, please?
What?
My bangles. You put them in your pocket. I want them, please.
Teppic shrugged, and fished in his pouch. The bangles were mostly copper, with a few bits of chipped enamel. Here and there the craftsman had tried, without much success, to do something interesting with twisted bits of wire and lumps of coloured glass. She took them and slipped them on.
Do they have some occult significance? he said.
Whats occult mean? she said vaguely.
Oh. What do you need them for, then?
I told you. I dont feel properly dressed without them on. Teppic shrugged, and went back to rocking his knife in the crack.
Why are you doing that? she said. He stopped and thought about it.
I dont know, he said. But you did see the valley, didnt you?
Yes.
Well, then?
Well what?
Teppic rolled his eyes. Didnt you think it was a bit, well, odd? A whole country just more or less vanishing? Its something you dont bloody well see every day, for gods sake!
How should I know? Ive never been out of the valley before. I dont know what its supposed to look like from outside. And dont swear.
Teppic shook his head. I think I will go and lie down in the shade, he said. Whats left of it, he added, for the brass light of the sun was burning away the shadows. He staggered over to the rocks and stared at her.
The whole valley has just closed up, he managed at last. All those people . .
I saw cooking fires, said Ptraci, slumping down beside him.
Its something to do with the pyramid, he said. It looked very strange just before we left. Its magic, or geometry, or one of those things. How do you think we can get back?
I dont want to go back. Why should I want to go back? Its the crocodiles for me. Im not going back, not just for crocodiles.
Um. Perhaps I could pardon you, or something, said Teppic.
Oh yes, said Ptraci, looking at her nails. You said you were the king, didnt you.
I am the king! Thats my kingdom over- Teppic hesitated, not knowing in which direction to point his finger - somewhere. Im king of it.
You dont look like the king, said Ptraci.
Why not?
He had a golden mask on.
That was me!
So you ordered me thrown to the crocodiles?
Yes! I mean, no. Teppic hesitated. I mean, the king did. I didnt. In a way. Anyway, I was the one who rescued you, he added gallantly.
There you are, then. Anyway, if you were the king, youd be a god, too. You arent acting very god-like at the moment.
Yes? Well. Er. Teppic hesitated again. Ptracis literal mindedness meant that innocent sentences had to be carefully examined before being sent out into the world.
Im basically good at making the sun rise, he said. I dont know how, though. And rivers. You want any rivers flooding, Im your man. God, I mean.
He lapsed into silence as a thought struck him.
I wonder whats happening in there without me? he said.
Ptraci stood up and set off down to the gorge.
Where are you going?
She turned. Well, Mr King or God or assassin, or whatever, can you make water?
What, here?
I mean to drink. There may be a river hidden in that crack or there may not, but we cant get at it, can we? So we have to go somewhere where we can. Its so simple I should think even kings could understand it.
He hurried after her, down the scree to where You Bastard was lying with his head and neck flat on the ground, flicking his ears in the heat and idly applying You Vicious Brutes Theory of Transient Integrals to a succession of promising cissoid numbers. Ptraci kicked him irritably.
Do you know where there is water, then? said Teppic. . . . e/27. Eleven miles . . .
Ptraci glared at him from kohl-ringed eyes. You mean you dont know? You were going to take me into the desert and you dont know where the water is?
Well, I rather expected I was going to be able to take some with me!
You didnt even think about it!
Listen, you cant talk to me like that! Im a king! Teppic stopped.
Youre absolutely right, he said. I never thought about it. Where I come from it rains nearly every day. Im sorry.
Ptracis brows furrowed. Who reigns nearly every day? she said.
No, I mean rain. You know. Very thin water coming out of the sky?
What a silly idea. Where do you come from?
Teppic looked miserable. Where I come from is Ankh-Morpork. Where I started from is here. He stared down the track. From here, if you knew what you were looking for, you could just see a faint crack running across the rocks. It climbed the cliffs on either side, a new vertical fault the thickness of a line that just happened to contain a complete river kingdom and 7,000 years of history.
Hed hated every minute of his time there. And now it had shut him out. And now, because he couldnt, he wanted to go back.
He wandered down to it and put his hand over one eye. If you jerked your head just right . . .
It flashed past his vision briefly, and was gone. He tried a few times more, and couldnt see it again.
If I hacked the rocks away? No, he thought, thats silly. Its a line. You cant get into a line. A line has no thickness. Well known fact of geometry.
He heard Ptraci come up behind him, and the next moment her hands were on his neck. For a second he wondered how she knew the Catharti Death Grip, and then her fingers were gently massaging his muscles, stresses melting under their expert caress like fat under a hot knife. He shivered as the tension relaxed.
Thats nice, he said.
Were trained for it. Your tendons are knotted up like ping-pong balls on a string, said Ptraci.
Teppic gratefully subsided on to one of the boulders that littered the base of the cliff and let the rhythm of her fingers unwind the problems of the night.
I dont know what to do, he murmured. That feels good.
Its not all peeling grapes, being a handmaiden, said Ptraci. The first lesson we learn is, when the master has had a long hard day it is not the best time to suggest the Congress of the Fox and the Persimmon. Who says you have to do anything?
I feel responsible. Teppic shifted position like a cat.
If you know where there is a dulcimer I could play you something soothing, said Ptraci. Ive got as far as “Goblins Picnic” in Book I.
I mean, a king shouldnt let his kingdom just vanish like that.
All the other girls can do chords and everything, said Ptraci wistfully, massaging his shoulders. But the old king always said hed rather hear me. He said it used to cheer him up.
I mean, itll be called the Lost Kingdom, said Teppic drowsily. How will I feel then, I ask you?
He said he liked my singing, too. Everyone else said it sounded like a flock of vultures whove just found a dead donkey.
I mean, king of a Lost Kingdom. Itd be dreadful. Ive got to get it back.
You Bastard slowly turned his massive head to follow the flight of an errant blowfly; deep in his brain little columns of red numbers flickered, detailing vectors and speed and elevation. The conversation of human beings seldom interested him, but it crossed his mind that the males and females always got along best when neither actually listened fully to what the other one was saying. It was much simpler with camels.
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