by K. Sterling
“Parker.” Ross’ eyes were pleading as they met his. “You’re pushing for a conversation you really don’t want to have.” He insisted as he reached for Parker but he held Ross off.
“Not knowing isn’t going to change reality. There’s a reason those women felt the need to pull me into their protective cocoon of trust.” He argued and Ross cringed as he pushed his hand through his hair.
“Maybe they just wanted to cop a feel?” He tried to joke and Parker snorted.
“Don’t.” He warned and Ross squeezed his temples as he wished for some way out of this conversation. Parker had a hard time dealing with what he already knew, this might be too much. “Ross, hiding this from me or lying to me isn’t going to make it better.” Parker said firmly and Ross sighed as he let his head hang in defeat.
“Explosives.” Ross stared at the carpet, he didn’t want to look at Parker.
“What does that mean?” Parker’s voice was low and hoarse and Ross shut his eyes and prayed that Parker wouldn’t take it badly.
“I disarm explosive devices and I’m really good at blowing things up with whatever’s on hand or with a small, well stocked tool kit.” Ross tried to sound nonchalant when he finally looked up at Parker. There was a long silence as Parker stared and blinked at Ross before he took a deep breath.
“Oh. That’s all?” Parker asked flatly as he turned and walked toward the window and Ross bit his lip as he waited. Parker’s hands slid over his head and he made a strangled sound and Ross grimaced and stretched his neck then braced himself. “Are you fucking serious?” Parker roared before he turned back to Ross. “I thought that you were some sort of commando that kicked down doors and killed terrorists but it turns out you’re more The Hurt Locker.” He clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle a scream and Ross held his hands up, trying to calm him down.
“I do that, too.” Ross offered a sheepish grin and Parker glared.
“Don’t you dare make jokes right now.” Parker warned before he squatted and wrapped his hands around his head. He mumbled something and Ross’ head tilted forward as he tried to come up with some way to minimize the damage.
“Parker, it’s not that bad.” Ross soothed and Parker jumped up and his arms pumped wildly in the air.
“Yes!” He yelled. “Yes, it’s that bad!” Parker insisted and Ross grabbed Parker’s arms and tried to pull him close but Parker pushed him off and backed away. “I don’t think I can do this.” Parker whispered loudly and Ross shook his head.
“Don’t say that.” He begged and Parker’s eyes were wild as he stared at Ross.
“You don’t get it!” Parker insisted and he ran up the stairs. Ross was on his heels as Parker ran into the bedroom and grabbed his duffle bag off the dresser.
“Wait!” Ross caught Parker’s arm and Parker tugged as he stretched for the bathroom door. “Please, just calm down.” Ross urged and Parker shook his head.
“I can’t, Ross.” Parker growled in frustration but Ross refused to let go.
“Talk to me.” Ross reached for Parker’s face but he leaned away.
“You don’t get it.” He repeated as he slapped Ross’ hand away with his free hand. “It was bad before, when you left. I was crazy about you and I was so worried that something might happen. I knew I’d be devastated if you didn’t come back or crushed if you were seriously inured.” Parker’s voice died away as his eyes swept over Ross’ face. “But I’ve realized that you’re probably the one that I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That we were meant to be together but for some reason, you’re in the wrong line of work.” He laughed hysterically and Ross tried to get closer but Parker tilted back and shook his head. “I wish it was one of those situations where you were a garbage man or a gas station attendant and I was just being shallow.” He whispered and stared at Ross’ hand on his arm. “I think I’m in love with you and maybe it’s too late but I have to get out, Ross. If something happens to you, I won’t be able to survive that.” Parker’s voice was shredded and his eyes were flooded with tears. Pain exploded in Ross’ chest and he groaned as he crashed into Parker’s body.
“Parker!” He gasped as he fought off Parker’s hands as they pushed him away. Ross buried his face in the corner of Parker’s neck and held on tight. “Please, don’t do this.” Ross begged. “I need you. Just don’t do anything tonight. You can’t drive right now anyway.” He argued and Parker moaned as he stopped fighting and his hands clutched at Ross’ body. Ross sighed as he felt Parker give in. “Don’t decide anything tonight. Stay tomorrow and we’ll talk about it.” He rubbed his hands soothingly over Parker’s back and silently prayed that he’d find some way to reason with Parker. “I don’t want to lose you.” Ross whispered hoarsely and breathed in deep, trying to hang on to as much of Parker’s body and scent as he could. He’d lost so much in his life and he thought that he was beyond feeling helpless, that being an adult had given him a certain measure of control. As he held Parker, Ross felt every bit as helpless as he did when he begged his mom not to let the CPS worker take him or when he begged her to get well and stop leaving him during her visits.
“I don’t want to lose you either but I’m so scared. I don’t think I can live like this.” Parker admitted and Ross sighed as he raised his head.
“Give me tonight and tomorrow. Don’t decide anything now. In the morning, everything will look different and we’ll talk and figure this out.” Ross promised as he gathered Parker’s face in his hands. He was so beautiful and Ross couldn’t stand the idea of a future that didn’t include waking up to see Parker’s face or being able to fall asleep in his arms. “We’ll figure this out.” Ross murmured the words against his lips and swallowed the soft cry that spilled from Parker’s mouth as his tongue brushed tenderly against Parker’s.
Ross didn’t give Parker time to think. He backed him against the bed and tumbled them onto the mattress. He left Parker’s lips only when he had to as he quickly peeled off their clothes. When they were naked and panting, Ross prayed silently as he worshiped every inch of Parker’s body with his hands and mouth.
“I can’t live without this.” Ross breathed as his lips brushed up the length of Parker’s cock reverently. “Your body… it feels like my soul.” He admitted before his tongue slid into the cleft of Parker’s ass. Then, “I’ll never need anything the way I need you, Parker.” as the head of Ross’ erection pushed into Parker’s clenching heat.
They clung and strained as they fought to get closer, to somehow make their bodies merge, to pull one into the other as they gasped and cried. Parker sobbed Ross’ name as he clawed at his skin and Ross was sucked into his release. He screamed as he came, spilling deep into Parker as his arms locked his body against his.
“Please.” The word huffed over and over in Parker’s ear until Ross couldn’t keep his eyes open and everything became still and dark.
The room was a heavy grey as a weak sun tried to fight through an overcast sky as it rose. Ross blinked at the clock until he could read 5:37. He groaned as he rolled over and reached for Parker but his hand pushed across cool, empty sheets. Ross sat up and his hand shook as he reached for the note on the bedside table.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this.
Chapter 23
“Parker… I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and this hurts like hell. You won’t answer and I can’t go after you. Please, tell me what to do. Come back. Or, answer your phone and talk to me.”
“It’s me. I only have a minute. I wish I could hear your voice before I go. I want you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I know you’re thinking about me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that what I do makes you so unhappy. I’ve been thinking and if you’ll just give me a little time… Look. I’ll do whatever I can to keep you. I have to. As soon as I can, I’ll be there. Please, stop shutting me out.”
Parker lost count of the number of times he listened to those two messages. The pain in Ross’ voice was s
o obvious, it stole Parker’s breath and made his chest ache. Ross was right. After almost three weeks, Parker felt emptier and lonelier than he ever had in his life. This was worse than when David left him. On top of missing everything about Ross, Parker was consumed with worry. Unlike Ross’ last few missions, he didn’t call and check in. Parker had no idea where he was or if he was ok.
Seeing Ross sitting on the steps in front of his house filled Parker with relief and incredible frustration. Everything within him screamed that he needed to get away from Ross and get over him but the physical pull, the urge to touch Ross and feel that he was healthy and really there was overwhelming.
“What are you doing here?” Parker asked as he dug in his pocket for his keys. Ross stood and leaned against the wall. His eyes were huge and dark as they washed over Parker. He looked exhausted yet beautiful despite having lost at least ten pounds. Parker dodged the hand that reached for his face as he pushed the door open and went inside.
“I would have come sooner but we went out the day after you left. I just got back a few hours ago.” Ross’ voice was weak and broke as he pushed Parker against the wall and practically fell on top of him. “Please, let me touch you.” He cried as his fingertips slid down Parker’s throat. His forehead pressed against Parker’s and Ross groaned. Ross’ weight, warmth and scent felt so perfect, Parker’s body relaxed and his hands glided up Ross’ back, against Parker’s will.
“Why couldn’t you just let me go? I need to get over you.” Parker breathed against Ross’ lips and Ross shook his head.
“Was it easier?” He asked and Parker searched his eyes.
“What?” He asked as heat seeped through Parker’s shirt where it touched Ross’ chest.
“Not talking to me, letting me go.” Ross’ voice was ragged as his lips tugged at Parker’s.
“No. It was terrible.” Parker admitted. “But it would have gotten easier.” He argued and Ross laughed softly.
“You’re wrong.” He promised as his hands slid beneath Parker’s shirt and pushed it over his head. “You love me. You’re not going to get over me by shutting me out. I know because no matter how far I went, I still needed you, I still loved you. I never stopped thinking about you. I missed you so much, it hurt. I love you, Parker and I’m not going to stop just because you won’t talk to me.” The words were a deep, drugging rumble that Parker felt in his veins.
Parker knew he was helpless. Ross was right, what he felt wasn’t something he could control. Parker had traveled the world and studied every religion known to man but he’d never felt anything close to spiritual, had never believed in the existence of the soul. Locked in the tranquility of Ross’s eyes, Parker felt his soul. It unfurled and sighed, rippling soft and warm through him as Ross guided him through the living room and into the bedroom. Parker’s heart felt like it was too big for his chest and his nerves flickered. Parker realized it was Ross, he was everywhere inside of Parker. Every beat of his heart was Ross’s voice. His name filled Parker’s lungs and Ross’ breath seeped from his pores. Parker’s skin carried the traces of Ross’ lips and fingertips and they’d never leave him.
He couldn’t stop himself from reaching for Ross. Parker pulled Ross into his arms. His hands shook as they clutched at Ross’ body and he felt unsteady on his feet. Ross’ hands closed around his face and their lips fused. Parker’s tongue plunged desperately into Ross’ mouth as he backed him toward the bed. Parker surrendered his lips and his tongue, he had no use for them without Ross. They fell upon the bed and Ross caught him, wrapping his arms and legs around Parker. His eyes met Ross’ and for a moment, Parker was mesmerized as he looked down at Ross. His eyes started to sting as they watered and his chest ached with awe. How did he think he could live without him? Ross’ hands splayed as they glided up Parker’s chest.
“I love you, Parker. Please…let me love you.” His voice broke with need and reverence. Ross moaned as he pulled Parker down. His hands wrapped around Parker’s head and he claimed his lips in a kiss that was so tender and deep, it made Parker tremble. Ross rolled them and his lips slid from Parker’s, across his cheek and pressed against his ear.
“I don’t deserve you, Parker. But I need you. I need you and I’ll do anything if you’ll never stop loving me.” Ross’ words were hot and low and Parker felt as if someone had lit a flame within his chest. Parker was lost.
“Love me, Ross. Love me half as much as I love you and I’ll never need anything else.”
Parker promised as he worked frantically at the fly of Ross’ jeans. Ross groaned as he rose on his hands and knees so Parker could slide them over his hips.
“Always, Parker.” Ross swore as he sat on his heels and swiftly dealt with Parker’s khakis and boxer briefs. Parker fisted his hands in the bedding and hissed when he felt Ross’ hand close around his rigid length. Ross fell forward and caught himself, his hand next to Parker’s shoulder on the bed. He adjusted his hips until his cock was next to Parker’s. Ross took them both in his hand and held them tight. The hard heat of Ross’ cock against Parker’s and Ross’ hand pressing them together made Parker dizzy with lust. He rose on his elbows and panted as he watched Ross’ hand slide along their erections. When Ross’ hand slid back down, Parker begged for more, faster and harder. Ross nodded and his hand gripped them tighter and his strokes came quicker. Parker let his head fall back and he cursed as he thrust into Ross’ hand.
“I swear, my body felt like it was dying, I needed you so bad. I’ve never felt pain or fear like that.” Ross whispered. Then, Ross’ hand was gone and Parker moaned in protest until he saw Ross sliding down his body. Ross settled on his knees between Parker’s thighs and Parker’s head fell.
“Oh, God… Ross.” Parker groaned and his eyes rolled back into his head as Ross’s lips closed around his cock.
The bedding was cool and crisp beneath Parker and a gentle breeze drifted through the window. When Parker shut his eyes, he knew it had to be heaven. This place, the way Parker’s body felt as Ross worshiped him with his mouth, these couldn’t be earthly things. When he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, Parker couldn’t remember anything that happened before Ross. It was if he was born the moment Ross’ lips touched his. Somehow, he’d been taken out of the world and dropped into the bliss of Ross’ arms and his lips on Parker’s body.
Just as his body started to tighten and the first stirrings of pressure started to gather in Parker’s groin, Ross raised his head. He stretched, reaching for the bedside table and grabbed the lube. Parker started to feel giddy with anticipation at the thought of Ross fucking him. Instead, Ross filled his hand with a generous amount of lube wrapped it around Parker’s cock and stroked until it was slick. Then, Ross crawled up Parker’s body and pressed their lips together tenderly before he lowered, guiding Parker’s straining length to his puckered entrance and pushed back. Parker sat up as he slid his arm around Ross and set his lips to Ross’ shoulder. Parker felt Ross’ body clenching brutally tight around the end of his cock before it relaxed and Ross slid lower, taking Parker deep into his body.
“I’ll never feel whole without you, not like I do right now.” Ross whispered. The hairs on the back of Parker’s neck stood as a wave of lust rolled though him.
“Ross.” His name fell from Parker’s lips like a prayer as he let his hands wrap around Ross’ ass. Ross gasped as he rose and Parker bit his neck to keep from crying out as joy and relief overwhelmed him.
“Yessss…” Ross sighed as he slid down. “Please, don’t leave me again. I need you.” He pleaded as he rode Parker faster.
“I will never get enough of this, I will always need you.” Parker promised and there was a breathless gasp as Parker’s hands slid down Ross’ chest and stomach before they wrapped around Ross’ erection. Parker began to stroke and Ross’ lips found his ear.
“I can’t exist if I know that I’ll never feel you touching me again.” He groaned and Parker’s hand stroked more firmly as his body rock
ed in time with Ross’.
“It broke my heart, thinking I’d never feel this again.” Parker whispered as his hands slid along Ross’ thighs, caressing and gripping as he pulled Ross’ hips against his.
“Oh, God… I love you, Parker. I’m going to come soon.” Ross said as he clutched at Parker’s shoulders.
“Come for me, Ross. I need to feel you come.” Parker begged as his hands urged Ross on. “I’m going to come but I want to feel you go first.” He bit down on Ross’ shoulder hard. Ross started hissing frantically and Parker felt Ross’ cock twitch in his hand as he pulled.
“Parker, Parker, Parker…” Ross chanted desperately as a stream of come burst from his cock. He clenched tight around Parker as more come spurted from him in a thick steady stream and he shuddered violently.
“Ross!” Parker gasped as his body went rigid and his lungs locked. His eyes flared and his mouth flew open on a silent scream. Peace and joy saturated Parker before he felt heat and light streak through him as hot pressure burst from the base of his erection and through his cock. Pleasure exploded as come pumped from the head of Parker’s cock with enough force to make Ross shriek and shiver as he writhed upon Parker. For a moment, Parker was afraid he would hurt Ross as his arms locked around him, pulling him hard against his body as he convulsed against Ross.
As soon as he was able, Parker loosened his arms around Ross as he fell back on the bed. Ross went with him, covering Parker’s body with his. Their bodies remained connected as they struggled to breath, their chests heaving violently as their fingers intertwined.
“I’ll do whatever it takes, Parker.” Ross promised. Parker nodded, not trusting his voice. Ross raised his head and his eyes captured Parker’s. “I can retire in six months. I’ll have a choice then. Give me six months and if you can’t be happy, if you don’t want me to stay in, I won’t. Just give this a chance and if this won’t work for you, I’ll find something else.” His eyes were pleading as they searched Parker’s. He nodded again.