by S. J. Rozan
for
Grace Edwards and Phil Martin
two of the finest
1
Shifting colors on a monster billboard bled through the April evening mist, showed me a shadow in the alley.
My heart sped up but I didn’t, just walked past, to my door. Maybe I had time to unlock the door and slip inside, but if I did that, whatever this was might happen again sometime when I wasn’t ready.
I unzipped my jacket, reached inside, just a guy looking for his keys. Uneven footsteps came up the block, pseudo-soft like a stage whisper. If he went on past, that would be that. But I didn’t think he would and he didn’t. He stopped behind me.
I spun around, arm out, gun level. “Hold it there.”
“Whoa! Whoa, man, put that down.” The shadow stumbled back, reaching for the sky like a desperado in a bad western. In his right hand was a silver automatic, small but enough to do damage. “I just need to talk to you.”
“Then what’s the gun for?”
“To make you listen.”
The words were slurred but the voice was familiar. I said, “Step into the light.”
“It’s Sam.” The shadow lurched forward. “Sam Tabor.”
And it was. Skinny and pale; jittery hands; eyes that looked everywhere but into yours. Six years since I’d seen him, and I couldn’t say he’d changed.
My adrenaline blast faded. “Give me the gun.”
“The…” He peered at the automatic as though it were news to him. “It’s not mine.”
“I won’t hurt it.”
With a shrug he gave it over. He grinned crookedly and asked, “Surprised to see me?”
“At my door with a gun, yes. In general, no. I knew you were out.”
“Everybody does, huh? Everybody knows all about Sam Tabor. I need to talk to you. Let’s get a drink.” He ticked his head at the Budweiser sign in Shorty’s window.
“I don’t drink with ex-cons waving guns at me.”
“Shit.” He slumped against the wall, wiped a hand down his face. “I fucked this up, didn’t I?”
“Depends what you were trying to accomplish.”
“I need your help.”
“Then yeah, you did. The gun…?”
“Because you’d say no. If you knew what I wanted.”
“And then you were going to shoot me?”
He shook his head, back and forth, back and forth, the exaggeration of alcohol. “I said. To make you listen. So you’d see I’m serious.”
I had to concede he’d made that point. Pocketing his gun, holstering mine, I said, “No drink.” I unlocked my door and held it open for him. “Coffee.”
Upstairs, I pointed Sam to an armchair, boiled water, and put coffee through while he sank against the cushions. He didn’t move at all, except for his hands, fingers drumming in ever-changing rhythms, and his eyes. His gaze wandered the room randomly, the way you drive when you’re so lost all ways are equally likely, and equally unpromising.
I wondered how long this bender had been going on and when he’d last eaten. A few nights ago Lydia had brought over a box of Chinese almond cookies; I put them on a plate.
“You take anything in your coffee?” I asked.
“Scotch.”
I gave him the cookies, and his coffee black. I took mine to the couch the same way. He held the mug in both hands and sipped slowly, resigned to this medicine he’d been taking most of his life for his chronic condition—drinking. Between sips, he said, “At least you’re not telling me how good I look.”
“You look like hell.”
“But my public loves it! The tortured artist.”
“I saw the Art Now cover.”
“You weren’t impressed? Come on, that was a Tony Oakhurst photo. You didn’t think I looked like a mad genius?”
“You looked like twelve miles of bad road. But better than you do now.”
He nodded earnestly, got into the rhythm of it, shook his head to stop himself. “You see? You see? That’s why I’m here. You never lied to me. And you’re not afraid of me.”
“Why would I be? Now that I have your gun in my pocket.”
“Not the gun, I don’t mean the gun. It’s not even loaded. Because of how I am. But you always treated me like a regular person. I liked it when you came to meetings.”
“I don’t recall any of those meetings did much good, in the end.”
Abruptly, Sam met my eyes. As always on the rare occasions when he did that, his were unnervingly clear and sharp. “Yeah, well, you see,” he said, “the trouble with the insanity defense you guys were pushing is, it makes people think you’re insane. Then they send you to the bin. You forget I’ve been to the bin before, all on my own. I didn’t need anyone to slip anything into my drink and I didn’t need to kill anyone to get there the first time.”
“I didn’t forget. But that was twenty-five years ago. You were young, you’d had a breakdown, you were drinking.”
“I’m still drinking.”
“The point is, before you killed Amy Evans, you’d never been violent. Never, until the night those girls gave you PCP.”
“No, the point is, I stabbed Amy seven billion times!”
“When you were high on a drug you didn’t know you’d taken.”
“Eleven other people drank that punch. None of them killed anyone.”
“Two were hospitalized with hallucinations.”
“For fuck’s sake! They didn’t kill anyone. A jury might have bought the idea I was temporarily out of my mind, but the point, like you say, the point is, I really am out of my mind. The thing about temporary insanity is, it’s temporary. They let you out when you get sane. Which I will never be, never, never, Smith, never!”
Six years ago, Sam’s defense attorney, Susan Tulis; Sam’s younger brother, Peter; and I, tag-teaming, had all lost this argument with Sam. Sam, as he said, might have been out of his mind, but the court declared him sane enough to participate in his own defense. His participation amounted to pushing everyone’s advice aside and taking a plea deal. He got fifteen-to-life and was sent upstate. The image of skinny, confused Sam in Greenhaven never sat well with me, and over the years I dropped him a couple of notes, which he didn’t answer, and I called Peter a couple of times, to be told Sam was doing “as well as could be expected.” I didn’t expect, myself, that that was very well.
Then, about a year ago, I picked up a leaflet at a Chelsea art gallery and learned there was a campaign to get him out. A thrilling genius of an outsider artist, a man with a unique, electrifying vision, had been discovered behind prison walls by a therapist, who, unable to contain his excitement, had sent slides of the man’s work—without the man’s knowledge—to a friend at a gallery. There on the leaflet was the work, and there was the artist. It was the same skinny, confused Sam.
The gallerist friend showed the slides to a critic, the critic wrote a piece in an art magazine, and a whole lot of people got excited as hell. They visited the prison; they wrote about the painter and the paintings. The campaign hit the culture pages soon after I saw the pamphlet, with strategically planted curator interviews, photos of the work, and artists’ and critics’ comments.
I wasn’t part of the Free Sam Tabor crusade; the art world VIPs orchestrating it didn’t need me. Or Susan Tulis, or even, really, Peter Tabor. The Free Sam Tabor Committee hired a hotshot celebrity attorney. They told Peter what letters to write, what petitions to sign, and when to appear at the parole board. Sometimes Peter’s wife and partner, Leslie, went with him; most of the time he showed up without her, but even at those hearings, he was never alone. Peter was an architect with a solid reputation, regularly published and never lacking for work, but he was definitely B-list in the Free Sam Tabor crowd.
“I saw your show,” I said to Sam.
“What?” His focus had drifted.
“Your show. It got good reviews.”
“It got great reviews.” A strange bitterness edged his words. “You really went?”
“I was curious. The whole time I was working on your case I never knew you painted.”
He pointed across the room. “Until now, I never knew you played the piano.”
“It’s nobody’s business.”
“That’s what I used to say. Now it’s everybody’s. Ain’t life grand? You weren’t at the opening.”
“I don’t do openings.”
“I should try that. I’ll just tell them I don’t do openings. You think they’d let me stay home if I said that?” His hopeless tone made it clear he knew the answer. “So, tell me. Did you like my work?”
“Is that why you came here with a gun? For a review?”
“You know good art. I didn’t know that before, but I can see. Those are Santlofers. That’s an Ellen Eagle.”
“You’re not serious.”
“You didn’t answer me.”
I lit a cigarette, shook out the match. “All right. No, I don’t like it. I’m impressed by your skill, your craft, especially someone self-taught. But I can’t separate out the content.”
“Come on, that’s my unique daring, my horrifying genius.” He lifted a lecturing finger. “ ‘Only at first glance does Tabor’s work resemble the nostalgic folk-based traditions of much outsider art. His true and dazzling gift is to subvert and interrogate that maudlin aesthetic, forcing us to acknowledge the ghastly basis of our banal quotidian existence.’ Art Now said so. ‘Quotidian.’ I had to look it up.”
“Well, I’m sure they’re right.” I drank more coffee, waited, but whatever he’d come for, he wasn’t ready yet. “As long as you’re waving guns around,” I said, “I want a free question.”
“Seems fair.”
“What I saw: is that the kind of work you did before you went upstate? Or did the content change in prison?”
“That’s a goddamn indirect question, isn’t it? What you mean is, Did you always paint such pretty violence, Mr. Tabor, or did that only start after you butchered that blond girl?”
I said nothing.
“Christ, Smith, before I went upstate, I was a waiter! I painted in a basement in Queens and no one except my brother ever saw my shit. God, I wish it was still like that!”
“What you painted,” I said evenly, when he was done. “Was it what you paint now?”
“You never give up. I remember that, too. It’s supposed to be one of the good things about you, like not lying. Yes. Yes! All right, yes, it was. It’s all I’ve ever painted. Over and over. Always.” The agitation of his hands and voice began to spread to the rest of him. With an obvious effort he pulled himself back under control. “But you’re not saying all that blood and destruction creeps you out? Big, gun-carrying macho man like you?”
I put my coffee down. “All right, Sam. You got your review. You want more coffee, or are you ready to leave now?”
“That’s not why I came.”
“Oh, no shit?”
He seemed not to hear my sarcasm. “I knew you wouldn’t like my work. I just asked to make sure you still wouldn’t lie to me.” He picked up his mug, wrapped his hands around it, but didn’t drink. “There’s a serial killer in New York. Did you see it on the news?”
“No.”
“Fox had it, and the Post. The rest will pick it up any minute now. A woman last week, and one six months ago.”
“Two? Who says it’s a serial killer?”
“Why, that’s not enough? You want more? Half a dozen? Ten? Would that make you happy?”
Without heat, I said, “They’re careful with that term. Whatever the news says, the cops won’t call it a serial killer at two, even if they’re sure those two were the same guy.”
“There might be three soon. Is that good enough?”
“I think that’s the technical threshold, yes. Why are we talking about this?”
“Because it’s me.”
2
I got up, poured myself more coffee, filled Sam’s cup, too. This time I put milk and sugar in his. I handed it to him; he took a sip and said, “Yecch. What is this shit?”
“Ballast.”
I took a cookie from the plate by his elbow; maybe that would encourage him to eat. As I sat, he said, “Aren’t you going to tell me I’m not the serial killer type?”
“I don’t know that.”
“I guess in some weird way that’s a compliment.”
“It’s not. Why did you come here, Sam? Anyone else, I might think he was trying to impress me, but not you.”
“I’m not the type?” A sly smile.
“I hope you didn’t come for help leaving town, laying low, something like that. If you killed those women, you know I’m going to have to turn you in.”
“Good luck.”
“I have the guns,” I reminded him.
“You won’t need them but they won’t help. I already tried it.”
“Tried what?”
“Turning myself in. The detective told me to get lost. She said I wasn’t the type. Actually, what she said was, I’d better get my ass the hell out of her squad room, because she didn’t need another nutcase trying to claim the credit so he could join the serial killer club.”
“What made her think you were a nutcase?”
“First of all, I am a nutcase.”
“Sam.”
“Okay, okay. Because I couldn’t give her any details. I don’t remember either one.” His words were steady, but his hands were trembling.
“So what makes you think you did them?”
“I don’t remember killing Amy, either.”
“That’s your logic? You must have done them because you don’t remember them, just like you don’t remember the one you actually did? What’s your plan, to confess to every crime in New York you don’t remember?”
“Goddamn it!” He jumped up, started pacing. “That wiseass shit from you, I remember that, too. Fuck, Smith, I came here for help!” As he strode the room, his hands made meaningless gestures, waving things away, reaching for things not there.
“Sam? Tell me what you want.”
He stopped all movement, stood completely still. “Prove it,” he said. “Prove it’s me.”
* * *
Another pot of coffee, a lot of theorizing from Sam, a lot of questions from me, and this was as far as we’d gotten: both the women the Post described as victims of a serial killer were blondes, like Amy Evans, and had been stabbed to death, which was how Sam had killed Amy Evans. Sam drank, and his drinking led to blackouts.
“But I’m a high-functioning alcoholic,” he said in the jargon of recovery, a road he’d gone down so many times he’d put ruts in it. “I could’ve been drunk as a skunk and pulled off something like this, easy. Like before.”
I don’t know how high-functioning you can call a wasted waiter painting in a basement, but I didn’t argue that point. “When you killed Amy Evans, you weren’t drunk,” I said. “You were high on PCP you didn’t know you’d taken. And if by ‘pull it off’ you mean do it and not get caught, you didn’t pull it off. You just sat there crying and waiting for the cops.”
“Big scary killer, huh?”
“That’s my point.”
“I guess I must have learned.”
Sam’s logic, because it was never reasonable, was never refutable. He didn’t look at me, or at anything but the floor. His right-hand fingers massaged his left-hand fingers.
“Sam, I don’t buy it.”
“You still think I’m not the type?”
“I don’t know what the type is. I just don’t think it’s you. Everything you know about these murders you read in the paper. You don’t remember anything about either one, and you say there’s no physical evidence, no blood, nothing. What’s to say you were anywhere but in your own
bed all night, either time?”
“Not my bed, the first time. That night I was still at Peter and Leslie’s.”
“Even better. You think you could have snuck out, killed someone, and snuck back in, the day after you got out of prison, and they wouldn’t have noticed?”
“But there it is. The timing. You want facts? That’s a fact.”
The timing was Sam’s strongest, and to me his only, interesting evidence against himself. The first killing had happened the day after he’d gotten out, and the second last week, the day after his one-man show opened.
“You see? Big events,” he insisted. “Times like that, I get stressed, I drink more. All my life.”
“Even in prison?”
“Did you take a stupid pill? We were swimming in moonshine inside. We used to bottle it for the COs so they wouldn’t ‘find’ the still.”
“So you think—”
“I think I get stressed, I get drunk, I kill women. Is that so hard to understand?”
“No, to believe. But say I did believe you. What do you want me to do about it? Babysit you so you don’t do it again?”
“Follow me around for the rest of my life? That’s idiotic.”
“I’m glad you think so, because I wasn’t planning on it.”
“It wouldn’t work anyway. I could give you the slip. I could fire you. I could wait months, until we were both sure I wouldn’t do it again. I read a book that said some serial killers can go for years between murders.”
“I read one that said silver bullets kill vampires.”
“Goddamn it, Smith! Do not laugh at me!”
“Sit down, Sam. I’m sorry. I’m not laughing. But monsters are monsters. Scary stories. If you’d read a different book, you wouldn’t have come to me, you’d have gone to an exorcist.”
“In the monster stories I read when I was a kid, the scary part was the monster getting you. Not being the monster.”
“The scary part is whatever scares you. If you want my two-bit analysis, this all has to do with your guilt about the past and your fear of the future.”
“Thank you, Dr. Fucking Freud! No, I don’t want your two-bit bullshit.”
“Then what do you want?”