‘Yesterday? Why should I be thinking about yesterday?’
Mary nodded. ‘That means you are. Put him out of your mind, Elaine.’
‘Chris, you mean? I already have.’
‘Well, I hope you mean it.’ She picked up the diary. ‘We’ve got a busy month ahead. Maybe it’s time we arranged a holiday rota.’
I thought of Chris’s invitation to go to Italy with him and felt my heart miss a beat. ‘Mine will have to coincide with the school holidays as usual,’ I said.
‘That’s what I thought. It’s good that we have Janet to help now.’ She looked up. ‘She’s coming in later with some new recipes she’s found. Honey glazed pork loin and some rather super sounding dressings – some yummy vegetarian dishes too.’
‘We’re lucky to have her. Did I tell you she’s offered to have Amanda for a while?’
‘No. That’s good. Is she going – Amanda, I mean?’
I sighed. ‘I doubt it. The latest is that she wants us to install an ensuite for her – at our expense of course.’
‘She’s got one hell of a cheek. What does Ian say?’
‘I haven’t had time to discuss it with him yet. He was out all last evening rehearsing for this inter-schools end-of-year concert. Amanda was waiting for me when I got in yesterday afternoon. I hardly had time to take my coat off before she started.’
Mary was immediately sympathetic. ‘Oh, poor love. And here I was accusing you of day dreaming over you-know-who.’
‘I hardly slept last night,’ I added. ‘Sorry if I’ve been a bit preoccupied.’
‘Who could blame you?’
The back door opened and Janet looked in. ‘Only me. I’ve brought those recipes. Is this a good time?’
‘Couldn’t be better,’ Mary said. ‘We’re just about ready for a coffee break, aren’t we, Elaine?’
I nodded and went through to fill the kettle at the sink. As I plugged it in my phone rang. I fished it out of my pocket and looked at the display. I froze and quickly switched it off. How did Chris get my number? Then I remembered. When I rang him last night it would have come up on his phone. How could I have been so stupid?
Driving home at lunchtime Chris’s attempt to call me niggled at the back of my mind. There was only one thing to do – ring him back. If I didn’t he’d ring again, most likely at an even more inopportune moment. I pulled off the road and took out my phone, feeling part annoyed, part guilty. How dare he put me in this impossible position?
He answered the call almost immediately. ‘Elaine! You rang back. Thanks.’
‘I was at work when you rang,’ I said, a little breathlessly. ‘What is it, Chris – what do you want?’
‘To apologize for – last night.’
‘Apologize?’
‘Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, Elaine. Look, seeing you again affected me far more than I expected it to. It shook me but it answered a lot of questions for me too.’
‘What questions?’
‘I’d really like to explain.’
‘So – I’m listening.’ Although I was trying hard to sound cool my voice was shaking. I swallowed hard, telling myself I was being stupid and ridiculous. Chris and I had a student affair at college – years ago. It was ancient history, except that my – our – son would always be there to remind me.
‘I can’t, not on the phone. Please meet me again, Elaine. I promise not to let my feelings run away with me next time.’
‘I don’t know. I’m really busy. Mary and I are booked solid – every evening this week,’ I added untruthfully.
‘What about lunch.’
‘Lunch – when?’
‘Now. I could meet you any place you like.’
‘Oh!’ I was momentarily taken aback. I had nothing to go home for. Ian and Jamie both ate lunch at school. I’d left a casserole in the slow cooker for this evening. What excuse could I make? Sensing my hesitation Chris broke in.
‘Please, Elaine. Spend an hour with me – for old times’ sake. And to let me make up to you for my unforgivable behaviour.’
‘Oh – all right then.’ You’re going to regret this, a small inner voice warned. ‘I’m in the car,’ I said. ‘I could come to the Meadwell again if you like.’
‘Great! See you in the bar in – what – fifteen minutes?’
He was waiting in the bar again. This time he wore expensively cut chinos and a black silk shirt. Manicured and well groomed, he looked every inch the best-selling author. The moment I walked in he rose to greet me and asked what I’d like to drink. I shook my head.
‘Nothing, thanks. I’m driving.’
‘Have a mineral water then – and maybe a glass of wine with your lunch.’
I shrugged. ‘Well, maybe a small one.’
The restaurant was almost empty and when the waiter had taken our orders he reached across the table and touched my hand. ‘Elaine, again, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You were right when you said that I’d spoiled the evening.’
I shook my head. ‘Shall we just forget it?’ I picked up my glass of mineral water. ‘Here’s to your next book.’ I remembered what he’d said about the inspiration drying up and added quickly, ‘When you get a new idea, which I’m sure will be soon.’
He touched his glass to mine and smiled. ‘I hope you’re right.’
The meal was delicious but I felt so uncomfortable that I hardly tasted it. As soon as it was decently permissible I would make my excuses and leave, I promised myself. But even as we ate I was conscious of Chris’s eyes on me, and as we spoke I became painfully aware of familiar gestures and facial expressions – familiar not only because they resurrected memories but because, disturbingly, I had had seen the same mannerisms in Jamie.
I refused a dessert and Chris waved the menu away too, asking for coffee to be served out on the terrace. We moved out to where the half glazed sun terrace looked out onto a golf course and a wonderful rolling Dorset view. Sitting side by side with the tray of coffee on a low table in front of us, I poured the coffee.
‘You mentioned the answers to some questions.’
‘Ah yes.’ He glanced at me. ‘Promise you won’t get upset and leave.’
My heart gave a painful lurch. ‘Okay, I promise to hear you out.’ I lifted my coffee cup and looked at him over the rim. ‘Go on.’
‘Last night – seeing you again made so many things clear to me,’ he said. ‘My restlessness, my failed marriage. I thought I was over you long ago but it’s not true. What we had was something special. I was a fool, giving you up the way I did. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you. It was just that I didn’t want to spoil your life with my selfish ambition; an ambition that was so tenuous. When I came into Gran’s money I knew it was my chance to try to make my dream come true. Maybe the only chance I’d ever get. If I hadn’t seized the opportunity I’d always have wondered if I could have made it work, but I felt at the time that I had to go it alone.’ He emptied his coffee cup in one draught. ‘Believe me, those first months down in Cornwall were hell; the loneliest, most miserable I’ve ever spent. I missed Gran of course, but I missed you far more. Every bone in my body ached for you, Elaine. You’ll never know how much.’
Inwardly I was shaken. He couldn’t know the agony I went through; the months of fear and indecision about the child I was carrying – his child. But I was determined not to let him know. ‘It was all worthwhile for you though, wasn’t it?’ I pointed out, trying hard not to sound cynical. ‘What ever sacrifices you made paid off. Look at you now.’
‘Nothing is worth losing the love of your life.’ His fingers crept towards mine but I drew my hand away and made myself laugh.
‘I do believe I can hear an author talking.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sincere, Elaine. Please believe me.’ He paused then looked at me hesitantly. ‘I suppose it’s a hell of a nerve to ask what you felt when you saw me again.’
‘Yes, it is,’ I said, feeling my colour rise. ‘I’m
married, Chris – happily married.’ How much more of this was he going to put me through?
‘That’s not what I asked you.’
I took a deep breath. ‘You ask what I felt. Right. I felt surprise and later pleasure at your success. It was good to know that the heartache you caused me hadn’t been for nothing.’
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I could take them back. He was on it at once, reaching for my hand and grasping it determinedly.
‘Heartache. Did I really hurt you that badly, Elaine? I’m so sorry. If I could choose to have that time back again I’d—’
‘But you can’t,’ I interrupted. ‘It’s all in the past and that’s where it has to stay.’
He gave me a long, lingering look. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course.’
‘How long did it take you to find this – Ian, did you say his name is?’
‘Not long,’ I said briskly.
He winced. ‘I walked right into that one, didn’t I?’ He leaned in closer. ‘Or dare I ask: could it possibly have been on the rebound?’
‘That’s an extremely arrogant question.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ He helped himself to another cup of coffee from the pot and added cream thoughtfully. ‘I wish I could read you, Elaine,’ he said at last. ‘I could be wrong but you seem to me very much on the defensive. It makes me think I must have made you suffer even more than you’re admitting.’
He was getting so close to the truth that it was all I could do not to get up and run. It was on the tip of my tongue to pour out to him exactly what he had done to me; the aching heartbreak when he told me it was over and then the dread and despair I felt when I knew I was pregnant – the fact that he had a son. I leaned forward to refill my own cup and found the pot empty. Somehow it seemed to sum up our whole relationship. He noticed the last of the dregs running into my cup and said quickly.
‘Oh, I’ve taken all the coffee. I’ll order another pot.’
As he raised his hand to summon a waiter I said, ‘No, it doesn’t matter. I have to go anyway.’ I stood up. ‘Thank you for lunch, Chris. I expect you’ll be going back to London any day now. It’s been nice to meet again.’
He was on his feet. ‘Don’t go – not like this.’
‘I have to.’
‘There’s so much more I want to say.’
‘I think you’ve said it all. It’s just nostalgia, Chris. We’d all like to go back and change things we did in the past, but if we really had the chance we’d probably do exactly the same again. What we had was just a youthful crush. It was all over years ago. Let it go.’
He walked out to the car park with me in silence and when we arrived at my car he said. ‘I think you’re in denial. What we had was no youthful crush and you know it.’
‘Nevertheless, it’s been over for a long time.’
‘Has it?’ He held my shoulders lightly and looked deep into my eyes. ‘Prove it.’
‘How?’
‘Come over to Italy and spend a few days at the villa. I won’t pressure you in any way and if you still feel nothing at the end of it I promise I’ll stay out of your life for ever.’
I stared at him. ‘You have to be joking!’
‘Why?’
‘I’ve told you. I’m happily married. I have family commitments, not to mention a business to run.’
‘You have to have holidays – time off.’
‘Yes – to spend with my family.’
His hands tightened on my shoulders. ‘A few days, Elaine. That’s all I ask. Let me try to make up to you for my selfishness in the past. Do it to prove to yourself and me that we’re over one another if you like. Give us both the chance to put what we once had to rest now and for all time.’
‘As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing to prove.’ I took out my keys and began to unlock the car. ‘Anyway, what you suggest is out of the question.’
He grasped my hand. ‘But you want to come – you know you do. I can see it in your eyes.’
I turned to him, my cheeks flaming and my heart thudding with anger. ‘You think you can click your fingers and get anything you want,’ I said. ‘You chose your ambition over me years ago and now that you’re successful you think that even though I’m married I’ll drop everything and run off into the sunset with you like – like something out of one of your books!’
He was smiling. ‘Oh dear, you really haven’t read any of them, have you? I don’t write romances, Elaine – and I don’t do happy endings.’
‘And there’s to be no happy ending for this story either, so just let it go!’ I opened the car door and slid into the driving seat. As I switched on the ignition and put the car into first gear he stood back, but as the car began to move forward he called out.
‘I won’t give up, Elaine. If you don’t come we’ll never know our true feelings or what might have been. I’ll ring or text you.’
‘Please don’t!’ I called through the open widow. But even as I said it I knew he would.
At home I put the car away and went through to the kitchen. Taking the lid off the slow cooker I saw that the casserole was done to a turn. I ladled a portion into a bowl and took it upstairs for Dad. He was out – possibly still in the garden so I put it on his tiny worktop with a scribbled note and went back downstairs to peel potatoes for the evening meal. It wasn’t long before I was joined by Amanda.
‘You will no doubt be happy to know that I’m going to spend a few days with Janet,’ she said.
I looked up. ‘I’m glad you’re going to have a break, Amanda. A change of scene will do you good.’
‘Yes, won’t it?’ She shot me a triumphant smile. ‘And by the time I get back my en-suite will be finished.’
I turned to her. ‘We’ve already discussed this and I thought I’d made it clear that installing an en-suite wasn’t an option.’
‘Maybe you did,’ she said smugly. ‘Luckily Ian thought otherwise.’
Stunned, I dropped the potato peeler. ‘Ian? I’m sure that’s not true. He hasn’t mentioned it to me.’
‘Well he has to me.’ She folded her arms. ‘My son seems to have inherited my understanding nature. He could see how difficult it was for me, climbing those stairs several times a day.’
Inwardly I fumed. Ian hadn’t even mentioned the matter to me, let alone discussed it. Why did he feel he owed Amanda anything? She’d never treated him like a son in the past but now that she was older she expected him to behave like a grateful, adoring son.
‘Clearly the two of you have the whole thing sewn up,’ I said. ‘I can’t think why you’re even bothering to mention it to me.’
She shrugged. ‘I quite thought you’d know about it, Elaine,’ she said. ‘But now that you mention it, has it occurred to you that Ian might keep things from you because of your over-the-top reaction to everything nowadays?’
I spun round, a sharp comment on my lips but she had already gone; mistress of the sharp exit line as always.
Throughout the meal I managed, with great difficulty, to remain quiet about Amanda’s revelation but as soon as Jamie had gone upstairs to do his homework I brought the subject up.
‘There’s something I need to talk to you about, Ian,’ I said as I brought in the coffee.
He looked at his watch. ‘Can it wait till later? I’ve got a pupil arriving in about ten minutes.’
‘No, it can’t wait,’ I snapped. ‘Every time I try to talk to you lately you’re rushing off somewhere.’
‘I can’t help it, Elaine. I can’t turn down lucrative work, can I? The bills here are much higher than they were at Mableton Park.’
‘I know that and I do contribute as much as I can, Ian.’
‘Of course you do. I’m not saying—’
‘Which is why I think you might have paid me the courtesy of discussing it with me before you promised Amanda that we’d install an en-suite for her.’
He sighed and passed a hand across his forehead. �
�Oh God, she’s told you?’
‘Yes – and not before time!’
‘I was going to tell you.’
‘Tell – not ask – not discuss?’
‘She’s been nagging me about it for ages,’ he said. ‘Complaining that it hurts her ankle to have to go upstairs every time she wants to use the bathroom.’
‘I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that staying here was only supposed to be a temporary measure anyway.’
He frowned. ‘I get the feeling that she’s hard up but too proud to admit it.’
‘She’s not too proud to make demands on us though, is she?’ I looked at him. ‘You’ve just mentioned that the bills are higher here so how do you think we’re going to pay for an en-suite?’
‘It would be an investment,’ he said. ‘It would allow us to ask a higher rent if we let the room out.’
‘That’s if Amanda ever leaves it,’ I pointed out. ‘And the more comfortable we make her the less likely that is to happen.’
He sighed. ‘You can be very hard sometimes, Elaine.’
‘Hard?’ I stared at him. ‘When it comes to hard I think Amanda has the monopoly! Have you really forgotten the way she’s treated you over the years? Have you forgotten the bombshell she dropped on you the Christmas before last? I don’t—’
The sound of the doorbell interrupted me. Ian stood up. ‘I’m sorry, Elaine but that’ll be my pupil. We’ll talk about this later.’
I washed up and went through to the living room to switch on the TV; flicking through the listings I searched for some mindless entertainment that would relax me and calm my shredded nerves. I’d just settled myself on the sofa when the door opened and Jamie came in carrying his violin, Toffee at his heels.
‘Mind if I turn the telly off, Mum?’ he said. ‘I need to practice and Ian’s teaching in the studio.’
I stood up. ‘No, that’s fine. I was going up to have a bath anyway. You carry on.’
‘And could you take Toff up to Granddad, please? The violin always makes him howl.’
‘All right.’ I scooped up the little dog and carried him upstairs with me. On the landing the bathroom door was locked. I rattled the handle knowing there was only one person who could be inside. ‘Amanda! Are you going to be long?’
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