“It gets much better than that, baby. And I’ll show you anytime you’re interested. If you let me in again I’ll use my fingers though because it’s a lot more gentle. God, baby, I really am so fucking sorry.”
“Stop, Aidan. Just stop. I wanted you to do it. I needed you. Stop beating yourself up over this. Please.”
He pressed a kiss into my hair and murmured, “Okay. On one condition.”
Uh oh. Here it was. His demand. He’d given me an orgasm, the first one of my life, and now I had to return the favor. I tensed in his arms and tried not to let him feel it. He was holding me tight enough that he did. “Hey, no. Nothing like that. I was just going to ask if we could watch another movie and if I could hold you. Even just holding your hand. I just want to be able to touch you.”
My fear evaporated and I relaxed into his arms again, knowing eventually the other shoe would drop.
We settled onto the couch and this time I didn’t hesitate to cuddle under his arm, resting my head on his chest, watching a movie through closed eyelids.
Eleven
I woke up the next day with an unsettled feeling. Aidan left the night before after the movie was over, but he never asked for anything. He didn’t press for sex or even a blow job. He kissed me again, but his hands didn’t wander and when I felt his erection building against my stomach, he left.
It confused the shit out of me.
After I walked Brownie and pulled on something other than my pajamas, I headed over to Bite Me! hoping to lose myself in sweetness. Lexi was sitting at the counter talking to Charlie and they both smiled when I walked in.
“You’re right on time. I just finished a new recipe and Lexi was going to try it out for me. Do you want to try also?” Charlie’s bright smile told me she was excited about this one. I couldn’t resist one of her creations. Even the flavors I didn’t like were good.
“Of course. What is it today?”
Charlie clapped her hands and set another cupcake onto a plate then slid it in front of me. “I’ll tell you what’s in it after you taste it. I don’t want to mess with your taste buds just in case.”
I smiled, knowing I should have expected that answer. Charlie thought if you knew what flavor it was supposed to be you would end up deciding ahead of time what it should taste like. If it wasn’t ‘right’ then it wouldn’t be good, even if it really was.
Lexi and I lifted our cupcakes and toasted each other with a giggle. Charlie watched us with wide eyes, anxiously waiting for our reaction.
As I brought the cupcake close to my mouth I inhaled, trying to place some of the scents. All I smelled was fruit so I went for a bite.
The softness of the cake hit me first but was quickly followed by a kick, something fruity and warm, although I’d never known anything to taste warm. The next thing to hit me was the liquid center. It tasted like wine, but more fruity. The icing on top was a fruity blend I couldn’t figure out no matter how hard I tried.
It didn’t really matter what it was, it was amazing. I sat back and wondered how in the world she came up with these ideas, and how she made it work. Lexi and I exchanged a knowing, fruity grin and nodded enthusiastically toward Charlie.
She clapped her hands and jumped up and down, her chocolate and peanut butter curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Ooh, I was hoping it would be good. Any guesses to what I was going for?”
“Strawberry shortcake?” Lexi guessed. Charlie shook her head and looked at me.
“I tasted more than strawberry. I got a lot of the wine flavor. It was like a fruity wine.”
“Good. That’s what I was going for. It’s supposed to be Sangria. Would you go for it?”
I took another bite and nodded, smiling when Lexi did the same. “It’s really good,” Lexi mumbled around the cupcake filling her mouth. “This is a great idea, especially for summer.”
Charlie nodded, clearly ecstatic that we loved her new cupcake. “That’s what I was going for. Something light and fruity but still tasty for summer. All the alcohol is baked off in the oven but you still get the flavor of it. The filling isn’t actually wine, but it tastes like it is because of how much was in the cupcakes.”
I polished off the last of my cupcake and Charlie set bottles of water in front of us. “When are you going to start selling them? That was delicious. I think I might have a new favorite.”
“Ooh, I’m so excited to hear that. I think I’ll add a few each day and see how they sell. I’m getting tight on space and I don’t want to kill myself. I’m already here too many hours each day.”
Lexi agreed with her about the long days and I realized I didn’t know much about either woman. For the first time in my life I was the one going elsewhere for advice instead of the one doling it out.
I wasn’t sure if I liked having the tables turned and feeling like I needed advice from others. Normally I would turn to Mandy if I needed something. She’d been there for me my entire life. I couldn’t really explain why I didn’t want to talk to her. Mandy was my best friend. We shared everything and I’d never kept anything from her.
Until now.
I should have woken up and called her, going to her first for advice about what had happened with Aidan and how to proceed. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“What’s going on with you today?” Lexi asked. “You look like something’s on your mind.”
The corner of my mouth turned up as I wondered how she could read me so easily. I’d never had someone pick up on my moods or emotions, let alone a need to talk.
“I guess I do. I just don’t know how to say it.”
Lexi rubbed her hands together and scooted her chair closer. “This is going to be good. I’m guessing it’s about that yummy guy you brought here for the grand opening. Is the sex bad?”
Heat rose up my neck to my cheeks. I felt like I was on fire. My water helped, but once I gulped down the rest of it I had no choice but to look back to them and face the truth.
“We haven’t had sex yet. Last night we were kissing and… God, I don’t even know what happened.”
Lexi’s eyes narrowed as she leaned in closer to me. Charlie drifted away to take care of another customer who’d just walked in. “You’re not a virgin, right?” I shook my head. “Okay, but have you had an orgasm?”
I bit my lip and dropped my eyes to my lap. My hands twisted together and I tried to figure out what to say. That I had my first the night before and it scared the shit out of me. That I had no idea anything could feel that good. Or that terrifying. That sex had always been something I thought I should enjoy but never imagined I could. That I figured I was broken.
I didn’t say any of that, but somehow Lexi heard it all. When I finally gathered the courage to look up at her she was smiling at me, looking a bit sad, but definitely determined.
“Okay, so now that you know what it’s like, and you like it. What’s going on?” she asked, cutting through the crap. I appreciated that about her. She didn’t waste words on sympathy or explanations that weren’t needed. She cut to the chase.
No wonder she was so successful.
“I… It was… I don’t know. It was the first time I’ve… you know. I don’t even know what he did. We were just kissing on the couch and it felt like he lit fireworks inside me. It was amazing, terrifying… I don’t even know.”
“That’s all normal. I think we all feel like that, especially when a guy is that good. I have to ask though, how did it happen when you were just kissing?”
“We were laying down. He was on top of me and he was moving, like we were having sex, but we had all our clothes on.”
“Ah, okay. You like him, right?” I nodded and chewed on my lip. “He obviously likes you. What’s going on? There’s something you’re wondering about or worried about that you want to ask. Just ask me. I’ll help. Or… maybe you came to talk to Charlie? Should I go?”
“No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, I like Charlie, but I think I came here hoping you’d be he
re.”
Lexi nodded as though what I’d said made perfect sense, even though it didn’t to me. “So what’s going on?”
I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head. She was right. I wanted to ask her about all of it. I wanted her to tell me what was going on and how I should handle things with Aidan. I wanted to know how to talk to him at work. But I knew none of that was really why I was there.
“I’ve never enjoyed sex before. I had… a bad experience and have always seen sex as anything but fun, not that I’ve had much of it. Sex, I mean, not fun. Anyway, I can see it becoming fun with Aidan, but I don’t know if I should continue with anything or if I should just end it. In my experience, although limited, sex and love are dangerously tied to power and whoever has the most wins.”
Thankfully Lexi didn’t pick up on any of my crazy that slipped out. I thought for sure she was going to balk at my question or pry about what was so bad about my previous experience, but she absorbed it and moved on. She tapped her chin, thinking about my question, and looking way too smart doing it.
I took in her shoulder length blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and large breasts and knew most men would see her as a fantasy come to life. She was heavy like me, but she carried herself well. Even as early as it was, she was pulled together and looked like she was ready to kick ass.
She exuded confidence, something I’d always hoped to develop one day. I found myself sitting there wishing I could be her. Or be like her. Hell, I was just happy to be her friend.
“I think if it’s really love, power doesn’t come into it at all. Love isn’t supposed to calculate or keep score. Love loves. Sex is very different though. Sex can be calculating and about power. Sometimes that makes it fun, but only if you’re both on board with it. Judging by the look on your face you aren’t okay with that.”
I shook my head and wrinkled my nose. Calculating sex was definitely not my thing. And as for sex that’s about power… Been there, done that. Got the emotional scars to prove it.
I was pretty sure the handful of times I’d had sex was for one bad reason or another, but none of it was anything close to what I felt the night before. Nothing felt like it did with Aidan.
“Sex needs to be something you can both enjoy, no matter what sort of sex you have. Did I tell you about Mike?”
I racked my brain trying to figure out who Mike could possibly be. I didn’t remember her mentioning any guy, but I was pretty absorbed with Aidan that night, too. I could barely remember my own name let alone the name of a friend of someone I’d just met. Lexi continued when I shook my head.
“Mike is my no strings attached partner. We get together when one of us needs a release, we go out when one of us is lonely, but we’re not actually together.”
“Oh, yeah, you did mention him, but I didn’t remember his name.”
Lexi nodded. “When Mike and I are together we make sure we’re both happy and fulfilled. He helps me out until I’m thoroughly worn out and I make sure he’s the same. Sex for us is about being mutually satisfying. Mike’s hot, which helps, but we’re both after the same thing. We talked about it ahead of time and know where we stand so there’s no confusion or issues.”
I listened to her with a hundred questions running through my head. My throat clenched as I wondered if that was all Aidan wanted from me. Was I just a fuck buddy for him? Someone to use when he was between girlfriends?
All kinds of people had arrangements like that, I knew it. But Lexi was the first person I’d met that had a bed buddy. I could see the appeal of sex without an emotional attachment, but I didn’t know how she went back to the same guy over and over again without getting attached.
Then again, men did it all the time.
“Aidan and I never talked about anything, it just sort of happened. Now I sort of feel like I owe him. I mean he gave me an orgasm so I have to return the favor, you know?”
Lexi was adamantly shaking her head. The look in her eyes was deadly and more serious that I’d seen her yet. She was a force and all we were talking about was sex. I had flashes of the woman she would be at work and felt a bit of sympathy for the people who challenged her.
“You do not owe him. If he says you do, run. As far and as fast as you can. You never keep track of stuff like that. If we did, I would be on my knees for Mike every day for the next year and I’d be so strung out I’d lose my mind. Usually I have a lot more than he does because women can come more often. Men need a rest period but we can usually roll from one to the next. Did Aidan tell you the you owe him?”
I shook my head, “No, he didn’t. I asked him about it and he said I didn’t. He actually felt bad about what happened because I admitted it was the first time for me.”
“If it felt good he had nothing to feel bad about, unless he hurt you or you told him to stop and he didn’t.”
“He would never do that. I wouldn’t be alone with him if I worried he wouldn’t stop when I said no.”
Lexi eyed me carefully, obviously trying to figure something out. I knew it wouldn’t take her long to figure me out. Somehow she could see past the bullshit a person handed her to the truth beneath, even if you didn’t want her to.
“I’m sorry, Claire. I truly am.”
Tears filled my eyes and I nodded. “Thanks.”
“I wish you’d never been through what you’ve been through. That no one had to go through it.”
I nodded again, swiping the tears from my eyelashes before they stained my cheeks. “I wish no one had to go through it either. I’ve actually been thinking about that lately. I feel like I’m not doing much with my life. I want to start something, a foundation or a program or something, to help boys and girls prevent the same thing from happening to anyone else, or help if it does.”
Lexi watched me closely, appraising me as I spoke. Finally she nodded, once, as though she decided something. “I like it. Hopefully it’ll help you heal too. Maybe my company could help with some funding. They’re always looking for local non-profits to support. When you get you ideas put together a bit more, let me know. I’ll put you in touch with the right people.”
I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my face. “That sounds awesome. Wow, this really could happen,” I said, almost to myself.
“If you want it badly enough anything can happen.”
“I seem to be getting a few things I really want lately. Things I never imagined I’d get.”
Lexi watched me thoughtfully. Finally, she said, “Good. He really does seem like a good guy. You’re lucky.”
I smiled and nodded my head, realizing she was right. I was lucky. Not only did it seem I was going to be able to do something meaningful with my life, but somehow, someway, I finally seemed to have found a good man.
And I really didn’t want to let him go.
Twelve
A few days later and I was feeling like I should just move to Bite Me! I headed back through my favorite door for a girls’ night with my best friends, including Lexi and Charlie, as much as she could get away.
I picked up my Sangria and Vanilla Bean cupcakes and a bottle of water from Charlie then headed to the table in the corner where Addi was already sitting. She tucked her phone into her bag as I sat down.
“You look like you’re in a good mood tonight,” she said to my smiling face.
I knew I was becoming one of those people I used to hate. I was smiling for no reason and even wandering around my apartment humming. Aidan worked the last two days so I hadn’t seen him, but we talked and texted each day. He sounded as frustrated as I felt that he was working so much but I wasn’t going to tell him not to. It was pretty admirable that he was saving to buy a house.
I wasn’t near grown up enough for something like that.
“I am in a good mood. It’s been a good few days off. I go back to work tomorrow and I’ll see Aidan, which I’m looking forward to.”
“So things are going well with him?” I grinned my dopey grin and Addi joined me. “I’m so
happy for you, Claire. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited over a guy.”
I breathed out a laugh. “Yeah, it’s not like me. Aidan is just different though. I have so many trust issues with men but Aidan earned my trust a long time ago as my friend. It feels normal to be close to him and even though our relationship is changing, it still feels the same in a lot of ways.”
“Whose relationship is changing?” Sam asked as she and Lexi joined us. Mandy was almost always the last one there, but she’d gotten even worse since she got together with Xander. I honestly wondered how either of them got anything done for how much they appeared to be in bed.
“Claire and Aidan’s. They’re moving deeper into the un-friend zone.”
“Ooh, so exciting,” Sam cooed. “Tell me more.”
I glanced at Lexi and she nodded at the panic in my eyes. I wasn’t ready to share too many details with them. Lexi knew what had happened, but I wasn’t ready for a diagnosis from Addi, Sam, and Mandy, if she ever got there.
Just then Mandy walked up with Charlie right behind her. “What are we talking about?” Mandy jumped in.
“Claire was going to tell us what’s going on with Aidan,” Sam said.
Mandy gave me a look. I knew that look. It meant the last time we’d talked Aidan was on the shit list. He hadn’t called me and I never called Mandy to tell her things had changed between us. She was bracing for another bitch fest, I could sense it.
Without giving her a chance to start trashing him I started, “Things are good. He’s been working a lot, like you said Mandy, so I haven’t seen him much, but we’re talking every day.”
“That’s how you and Xander started out your relationship, Mandy,” Sam told everyone, like we didn’t know. After their first meeting Mandy told Xander she wouldn’t go out with him because she didn’t think a guy who looked like him would actually like a woman who looked like her. Xander finally convinced her to give him a chance on the phone and they talked every day for a week before they went out on another date, at which point they were both pretty much already in love.
Lush & Lovely (Big & Beautiful Book 2) Page 9