“Who the hell do you think it is?” demanded Jake. “I ain’t got no twin brother.” Suddenly apprehensive, he looked over his shoulder to see if Katie was anywhere within hearing distance then donned a satisfied smile when he saw she was nowhere around.
“You just don’t look right.”
“You’d look peculiar too if you had two females fussing over you all the time, trying to change everything about you until your mother couldn’t recognize her own son. I damned near ruined my britches when I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger staring back at me. Felt like I was shaving somebody else’s face.”
“You better watch that cussing,” Bap warned. “Mrs. Simpson don’t like it.”
“It makes that Irish gal powerful mad, too” Jake said with a wink as he jerked his head toward the station to indicate Katie. “Does my soul good every time I get out a good one.” Bap grinned in sympathy.
“You just watch it. Mrs. Simpson is a nice lady, but she don’t put up with any stuff from nobody.”
The evening air was rapidly turning cool as Carrie and Lucas wandered out to a bench under a tree in the station yard after dinner. The dark velvet of the night sky was illuminated by thousands of glittering stars suspended by invisible threads. A brilliant full moon bathed the landscape in a silvery sheen, making everything as clear as day, but an eerie quiet and an unnatural stillness made it all seem remote and unreal. More light poured from the station windows and filtered from the barn, but the dark shadows under the tree enveloped the two in its cloak.
“I think you may be right about them,” Lucas said as he settled down beside Carrie. “She can’t seem to leave him alone for a minute.”
“And he’s sure to respond with something guaranteed to keep her at it. If Katie’s not careful, she’s going to find herself in love with that worthless scamp. That’s not my idea of love.”
“What is?”
“Do you really want to know? I don’t think you’ll like it.”
“Yes, I want to know, and why won’t I like it?”
“You’ll see.” Carrie settled herself on the bench and looked up at the stars. She couldn’t get over how clear the sky was, and how close the stars seemed. She wondered if her dreams were as deceptive as those stars.
“I want a husband who will love me for myself—hell have to, I won’t bring him an inheritance—and who will put me before anything else in his life. I’ve seen how men usually treat their wives, I was treated that way without even being married, and I’d rather be single for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be left home every time he goes anywhere, and I don’t want to be left out of what he does. I want him to be interested in the house and the children, and I expect him to listen to my ideas on all those things women aren’t supposed to know anything about.”
“Where do you expect to find someone like that?” Lucas asked, unable to hide his consternation.
“I don’t know, but I’m not going to get married if I don’t.”
“Was your husband like that?”
Not Robert again! When was she going to tell him that she’d never been married so she could drop this pretense? It had seemed harmless enough in the beginning, but now it was beginning to intrude into nearly every conversation, making her original deception, no matter how innocently entered into, seem like some kind of monstrous lie. There never seemed to be a time when something wasn’t hinging on her answer, a time when it didn’t seem as if she had used Robert to manipulate the conversation, or Lucas. And that made it even worse, that it would seem that she used Robert against Lucas. If he saw it that way, it would be very difficult to change his mind.
“I was only married to Robert for a few weeks,” Carrie began, yielding to the necessity of keeping up the pretense, “but he really wasn’t very different from my father and brothers. He was not a strong man, and I admit that’s part of the reason I agreed to marry him"—at least that part was true—"but I could see him deciding things that affected me without even telling me about them or shunting me off to a corner with the other women while the men talked over the important things.”
“I can tell you feel strongly about this.”
Lucas couldn’t keep the dismay out of his voice, and Carrie couldn’t miss hearing it. She experienced a sinking feeling in her heart, a sense of cold traveling from her extremities in the direction of her heart, but she would not stop. No matter how great the pain or disappointment, no matter how much she wanted to hang on to her slender hopes, she was determined that she could tell no new lies. She had come to Colorado expecting to be alone. If he left, she would have no less than she had expected.
“Yes, I’m afraid I do. You see, all my life everybody just assumed that I would cook and clean and care for them without ever asking if I wanted to, if there was anything else I wanted to do with my life. I was a prisoner and I wasn’t even married. That’s why I agreed to marry Robert, why I insisted we leave Virginia, and why I took the job at this station after he died. I won’t ever go back to being the nonspeaking, nonthinking partner ever again. I’d rather live and the an old maid than sell myself into that kind of bondage.”
Carrie realized she had allowed herself to get rather excited and her voice had scaled upward during her speech. She stopped, partially ashamed of voicing her views so stridently and partially surprised by her own words. She had always known she would fight before she would allow herself to be thrust back into the role her father and brothers expected of her, but she had never fully understood what it was she wanted for herself. Well, she still didn’t fully understand it, but she was a lot closer to achieving it than she’d been before.
“Is there room in that scenario for someone who falls a little short of the ideal?” Lucas asked. He wondered why his voice sounded so forlorn. He had been rather startled by Carrie’s views and, yes, disapproving, but he wasn’t giving up.
“I’m not sure, but I guess it would depend on how far short he fell. Most men are ready to swear on their mother’s grave they love their wife and children more than life itself. My brothers are like that, but they don’t mean it. Both of them courted my sisters-in-law with traditional Southern charm, giving them presents, hanging on their every word, and swearing they would give their last breath to spare them the slightest suffering. Yet the minute the honeymoon was over, they expected the house and everyone in it to revolve around them. No, I’ve had that, and I gave up my home so I would never have to tolerate it again.” Carrie paused to allow her heart to slow down. “I guess I sound a lot like a hysterical female, but I mean every word I’ve said.”
She wondered what it would be like not to see his silver-gray eyes following her every move, his lean body negligendy lounging nearby just in case she needed him, his lips never touching hers again. Oddly enough, she felt angry rather than sad, angry that her chance to come to know this man should be snatched from her grasp after a tantalizing few days. It was so unfair of life to dangle her ideal before her eyes and then take it away. “But I’ve talked too much about myself,” Carrie said abrupdy. “What are you looking for?”
Chapter 10
Lucas hardly knew where to begin. If Carrie had had too much family, he’d had too little. Whereas her father came home every night, he and his uncle were sometimes away from home for weeks at a time. But he enjoyed the stimulation of traveling to new places and meeting new people, and he also enjoyed the challenge of the West, pitting his intelligence and instincts against those of other men and the harsh conditions of this mountainous country.
He could no more envision himself as a banker who came home regularly every evening than he could see himself as a humble clerk who kept to his books and deferred to his wife in everything. Up to this point he hadn’t felt the need for family obligations, but that was changing, had probably already changed, or he and Carrie wouldn’t be having this discussion. Still, a family could never replace his need to succeed, to leave something behind that he had created out of his own wit, will, and strength. And it wasn�
�t something he was sure he could share. How could you look at some achievement and say half of it was yours? Wouldn’t you always wonder which half belonged to you, the strengths or the weaknesses, or if your half would have existed at all without the help of the other half?
Actually, now that he thought about it, he realized he’d been so busy trying to become everything Uncle Max wanted him to be, he hadn’t had time to think about what he wanted from life. He’d always assumed he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, but now he wasn’t sure.
“After what you’ve said, I’m almost afraid to tell you what I think I want,” Lucas said, turning to face Carrie. “I should have said try to tell you because I’m not sure what is important to me. I thought I did, but listening to you has made me realize I never had a normal family life, and I don’t really know what to expect.
“You see, I can barely remember my parents. My father was gone a lot with the cattle, sometimes for months at a time. The part of Texas I come from is miserably hot in summer and miserably cold in winter, but I find myself thinking increasingly of my mother and the home she made for us. I don’t suppose she was any better at it than any other woman, but I’ve begun to look back on it as something I wish I had had for a longer time. When my uncle took me to live with him, he took me with him everywhere he went, but we never had a home with the care and comfort you speak of, and I think it would be important to me.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I want all the things you say you don’t want. There will be times when I won’t be available to my family even though they need me and I would want to be with them, but I would expect their support for me to be as strong and unwavering as my willingness to work for their future. And I do want a family, preferably a large one. I know the loneliness of being the only child in a world of adults, of having to grow up before your time. But I don’t want to come home after a long absence and be confronted with all the domestic travail any more than I expect to bore my wife with the details of my workday.”
It was impossible for Carrie not to feel moved by Lucas’s poignant memories of his mother, it was touching and heartwarming, but she still equated a home with the bondage she had struggled so hard to escape. When he spoke of the warmth and comfort his mother provided, she thought only of the unending hours of toil; when he spoke of the need to be away from his family, she saw only the fetters that would keep her tied to one place forever. She could not see that what he was talking about could be any different from her own past experience, but she sensed that it might be, and she wavered.
“You sound a lot like my brothers.” But then what did she expect? Had he given her any real reason to think he would be different, or was she just hoping he would be? They think the world was created for men and that women are only the most favored of its workers.” She tried not to sound as disheartened as she felt.
“But that’s not what I said.”
“It’s close enough,” Carrie replied, wondering why she felt so much like crying.
“You know what neither of us has mentioned?”
“Yes, the man or woman we hope to marry. You think that will make a difference, but that’s where I have the advantage over you. I’ve seen new marriages close up, and I know you don’t cut the marriage to fit the wife, rather you cut the wife to fit the marriage, and I’m not willing to be cut up and remade, not for any man.”
“I can’t imagine that any man would want to remake you,” Lucas said, sitting down so close to Carrie their bodies touched. “He’d be a fool to think he could improve on what’s already here.”
“But we’re not talking about my physical makeup,” Carrie replied, trying to keep her mind on their differences and to ignore the tumult caused by his nearness. She could always become excited just by the sight of his body, but she was discovering that his nearness radiated an even more disturbing electricity, and her own body was responding endiusiastically.
“I am,” Lucas replied, his lips close to her ear. “I think you’re perfect just as you are.” He took her ear between his teeth and nibbled ever so gently, distracting her attention and paralyzing her thoughts while his treacherous arms slipped around her.
“But I’m not at all what you want,” Carrie said, struggling against the delicious feeling that was making it virtually impossible for her to remember any of their conversation. “You just said so.” He was doing absolutely wonderful things to her neck, and all at once she didn’t care if they were terribly wrong for each odier. Everydung felt marveiously right and she surrendered with a pleasurable sigh. She turned toward Lucas and his lips claimed her mouth with breathless urgency. His tongue plunged into her mouth, ravenous for the sweetness only she could offer.
Carrie felt a shattering surge of response and found herself eagerly returning his embrace, her arms around his neck, her breasts pressed against his rock-ribbed chest, her tongue as voracious as his own. Their bodies writhed and tensed as the surge of heat grew intense, as their need for each other became more feverish. Lucas reached a part of Carrie she had never suspected existed, and she was so overwhelmed by the flowering of this sensation that she was hardly aware when Lucas’s hand found her breast, just mindful that her body was exploding with feelings as new and exciting as they were wondrously enticing. An alarm sounded in the back of her mind when he unbuttoned her dress and slipped his hand inside, but the firming of her nipples, and the involuntary arching of her body against his hand, destroyed any thought of resistance before it was born.
While Lucas continued to scatter passionate kisses over her whole face, her neck, her eyes, while his boldly insistent hand searched for a way past the hindering clothes to the heady warmth of the ruby nipple now clearly noticeable against her gown, Carrie felt herself buoyed and enveloped by a cocoon of bone-melting, tension-dissolving yearning, an ache so strong it made her shudder with pleasure. For a moment she could almost believe nothing else mattered.
The feel of Lucas’s callused hand against the soft, warm flesh of her breast woke her to the reality of what was happening and Carrie felt her body tense. Even though Lucas’s torrid kisses made her feel faint, her arms slid from around his neck and pressed against his chest. His finger found her swollen nipple and gently massaged it, threatening to wash away Carrie’s meager resistance, but she summoned up all her will and pushed herself away from him.
For a moment she was silent, her ragged breath making speech impossible. She felt like a runner who had approached the edge of utter exhaustion, where reason doesn’t work and the senses almost fail, but gradually the feeling of being utterly shattered left her and she looked into Lucas’s passion-shrouded eyes.
“I had to stop you,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t be able to face you tomorrow if you disgraced me right here in the stage yard.”
“I’ll be gone tomorrow” he said, and tried to take her in his arms again, but Carrie pushed him away. There was no hesitation this time. A feeling of betrayal drove all desire for surrender from her mind.
“Where are you going?” She busied herself putting her dress to rights, hoping he wouldn’t see the sudden desolation in her eyes. He had warned her that he would someday drift out of her life, but somehow she had never faced the reality of what it meant until now, and she was nearly immobilized by the fear she would never see him again.
“I’m going after some more horses,” he explained, his voice still hoarse with longing, his hands cupping her face, his fingers tracing the gentle curve of her cheek and jaw.
“How long will you be gone?” She tried to listen for his answer, to ignore the pleading of her body to return to his arms, to the touch of the fingers that were teaching her the meaning of ecstasy, but an awful feeling of rejection, the sickening fear that he would never come back, the humiliating suspicion that she was of no more than passing interest transformed her desire into anger.
“At least four or five days. Maybe a week.”
“You didn’t waste any time, did you? I’m surprised you didn’t l
eave first dung this morning.” She knew her reaction was unfair and unreasonable, but she couldn’t help it.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m glad to know that concern for my safety is no longer getting in the way of your work. If you’d told me it was that much of a problem, I’d have gone into Fort Malone and hired Jake the minute Baca Riggins cleared out.”
“What are you talking about?” Lucas’s passion was being twisted by confusion and the result was painful.
“Merely that you are leaving virtually the instant Jake arrived.”
“He’s been here a whole day, and I told you from the beginning that I couldn’t always be here, that I had work to do.”
“True, you did, and “I’m excessively pleased that you now feel free to do it.” Carrie got to her feet and vigorously shook out her skirts.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Lucas promised, warmth returning to his voice. “It shouldn’t take more than a few days to find some good horses.”
“Please take your time,” Carrie said, her voice as cold as her mortification was hot. “The company needs the very best animals you can find.”
“To hell with the company’s needs!” Lucas exploded, attempting unsuccessfully to take Carrie into his arms again. “I’m more concerned with me and you.”
Then it’s a good thing I’m the one who works for the Overland rather than you. I hardly think they would approve of your attitude.” She didn’t want to say all these things, but they kept erupting from her fevered brain. He was leaving, he was rejecting her, and only anger could hold back the choking sobs that filled her chest.
“Carrie, please,” Lucas virtually pleaded, “I have so much more I want to say to you.”
“I’ll be here when you return,” she replied. “I imagine it can wait until then. Right now I’m extremely tired.”
Lucas started to press his attack, but the light in the station went out and Katie came out, headed back to the cabin.
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