by Ravenna Tate
Meghan snorted. “Right. I wish.”
“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I tried to do that once, remember? I made an ass of myself.”
“It was also two years ago, and after Margie had emasculated him. Try again.”
“When did any woman in an MC ever do that?”
“Well, Rai, for one.”
“Yeah, but she’s different. She came here not really knowing how it is. She also didn’t try once and get shot down. And Tannin is, well, Tannin.”
“All right then. Don’t tell him with words. Treat him differently. Make him stand out. Show him you prefer him over all the others.”
“Sure. So I can get my heart broken again when he notices, and tells me he’s not interested in me that way? No thanks. It was bad enough the first time. I don’t want to go through it again.”
“Like I said, that was two years ago. He found Margie in bed with two prospects. After she’d agreed to be exclusive with him. It was right before you came here to work. You don’t know how horrible it was for him.”
“I realize that, Chloe, but he made it pretty clear he wasn’t interested in me that way.”
“His pride was hurt. His feelings might have changed by now. You two are very close.”
“Yeah. Close friends. Nothing more. Don’t you think if his feelings toward me had, changed, I’d know by now? He’s not subtle. None of them are.”
Chloe began making the next breakfast order. “You’re right about that. When they want something or someone, we all know it. But they’re also proud men. He might be waiting for you to say something first.”
“Not going to happen. I won’t screw up what we do have by going there again. Anyway, I’ve let too much time go by.”
“Meghan, that’s crazy. I was here a year before Gorgon and I got together.”
“Yeah, but that was different. You had a damn good reason to be gun-shy.”
“So do you.”
The story Meghan had told the officers and Chloe was that she’d been emotionally abused by her ex-boyfriend and that’s why she had stomach trouble. It was so generic compared to the actual truth, that even if she told everyone the whole story now, they might not believe her.
“It’s not even close to what you went through, Chloe.” Actually, it was worse, but that wasn’t the real reason why telling Phenex how she felt would backfire. “But can you imagine me saying something like to any of them now, after all this time?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m Wonder Tongue. The sweetbutt who would drop to her knees in the middle of the club and suck any of them off, even on the busiest night, if they asked me to. I love to fuck. I love to give them blowjobs. That’s who I am to them. No one would ever seriously want me as their old lady.”
Meghan plopped down on the nearest stool. “Hell, Chloe. I’ve fucked every one of them, in front of the others or privately, so many times that I might as well be the club porn star. How many men do you know who want to be unofficially married to a fucking porn star that their best friends have fucked multiple times, and in every hole?”
“Hey, I was no different before I agreed to be Gorgon’s old lady. You know that.” Chloe stopped working and sat down next to Meghan. “These guys don’t see it that way. What’s really going on? I heard those men said some horrible things to you. Is that what has you so rattled?”
“No. I mean, yeah. They said terrible things, but I’ve heard worse.”
“So what’s bothering you?”
What was bothering her? Holding in a huge secret this long. Her all-consuming love for Phenex that wasn’t fading with time. Loneliness for a man of her own that wanted more than sex from her. Take your pick. “I don’t know. I guess everything that’s going on lately.”
“The stuff with the Outlaw Dogs, you mean?”
“That and all the rest of it. Having to fence in the property, all the lights they’re installing, the beefed-up security we never had to bother with before.”
“Yeah. That sucks. But welcome to the shitty world we live in.”
The others returned, so that signaled the end of private conversation between her and Chloe, at least for now. But as she helped the four get breakfast ready for the men in the building, Meghan thought about everything Chloe had said.
Why wouldn’t she try again? It was a legitimate question. She’d been obsessed with Phenex from day one. Sure, he turned her down once, but Chloe was right. That was two years ago, and after a traumatic event in his life. He might feel differently now, but was reluctant to say anything. She’d never brought it up again, so he might assume she had changed her mind. How would she ever know if she never tried?
And while she was running down difficult but legit questions in her mind, why didn’t she ever want any of them to spend the night? Why did she keep them all, even Phenex, at such a distance?
Was it really only about sex? Or, was she absolutely terrified of the past coming back to repeat itself? Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that none one of the patched members would treat her the way she’d been treated before she came here?
All legitimate questions, indeed. And she had no answers for any of them.
Chapter Four
The weather was finally turning colder, but Phenex preferred to ride when it was cooler outside. This brisk, clear October day was perfect for a trip to St. Mary’s Cemetery, just outside of Elyria. He hadn’t been on his Harley in too long, with all the shit going on at the club. And, on a Monday morning, he wouldn’t have to deal with a lot of other people around.
No one inside the building was around as he went out the back door, got on his bike, and waved to the two prospects guarding the back gate, before pulling out onto the road that lined the back of the property. They’d never had to worry about this entrance before two men cut a hole in their new fence two weeks earlier.
The hole in the fence had been repaired, and there was now a gate across the back road, the same as there were across the driveways in front. All three gates were now guarded around the clock, and the guards were armed. Having their men guarding the front and back gates while carrying weapons was new to the MC, too, and most of them weren’t happy about having to resort to it.
They’d recently installed floodlights throughout the three hundred acres, which Phenex and most of the others hated. Their little paradise, surrounded by farmland and very few neighbors, had become a fortress. Fuck that.
And worse, what had once been thought of as a temporary measure by the officers, just until the bullshit with the Outlaw Dogs was resolved or burned itself out, was now looking like it had become a permanent necessity.
Mad Dog’s insane followers had not only started a rogue MC, they had aligned themselves with a fucking Mob boss from Queens, New York. What the hell was this fucking world coming to when an MC couldn’t keep their business dealings confined to the men who ran things behind the scenes in their own city? Or, at least in their own state?
Sure, Vito Cinquepalmi and Donny Messina would never be friends. But at least they understood each other and had been able to reach a compromise of sorts. They knew the area, and they knew the people here. As long as everyone did what they were supposed to do, the status quo was maintained. Mad Dog and his fucking pack of braindead minions had changed everything.
As he drove past the entrance to the cemetery, his engine echoed in the open space. But Phenex never felt guilty about driving a hog into this quiet sanctuary. The dead people didn’t care, after all. Even so, it was always simpler to visit when there weren’t crowds here. He didn’t get sideways looks from people, and he didn’t have to navigate around traffic. Pulling up to the row in which his mom was buried was never easy, no matter when he came here, what the weather was like, or how many other visitors were around.
After turning off the ignition, he sat on the bike for a few moments, soaking up the sunshine and taking deep breaths of crisp, cool air. He c
ould smell the dried-up leaves on the ground, which was pretty fucking appropriate, considering where he was. It was the scent of death. His mom had been dead for thirty years, but the memories had never faded. Not even a little bit.
So much of his childhood was lost, or existed only in wisps of images that he wasn’t even sure were real. But not that day. Not the day his dad had beat his mom to death, right in the middle of their pretty blue and white kitchen. The bloodstains on the white cabinets had never completely disappeared, no matter how many times Phenex had tried to wash them off.
He climbed off the bike and secured it with the kickstand, then glanced around. No one was in sight. Good. Because today he might cry, and he sure as shit didn’t want anyone to see that.
A squirrel ran up a tree as Phenex approached the grave, chattering away at him while Phenex cleared the headstone of dead leaves and dirt. He sat on the grass next to the stone. “Hey, Mom. Thirty years. Wow. Wherever you are, I hope you can see me. I’m doing fine. Really. The MC is facing some challenges, but that’s to be expected. Fucked-up world we live in. I hope you’re in a better place.”
His breath hitched in his throat. “Sure do miss you.”
As the wind blew across his face, it forced a smile to his lips. That happened nearly every time he came here, and Phenex had always allowed himself to believe the breeze was his mom, comforting him. He indulged that belief one more time today.
“I don’t have anything new to tell you, Mom. Wish I could tell you I found a girl or something, but you know me. I chose the wrong girl. And now that the right one is here, I’m too stupid to say anything to her.”
The unmistakable sound of a hog split the silence, cutting off his words. Phenex stood and glanced around. Several sections away, he spotted a Harley Davidson Softail Deluxe with teal paint. Couldn’t be a coincidence. It had to be Meghan. No one else he knew had voluntarily asked for that godawful color on their bike.
When she stopped the bike and parked it, then removed her dome, Phenex’s guess was confirmed. Her long red hair gave her away. But what was she doing here? Visiting a grave was a private thing, at least to him. He didn’t want to disturb her, but his curiosity, not to mention his obsession with the woman, got the better of him.
After he watched her kneel next to a headstone, he moved behind the nearest tree so she wouldn’t spot him. All they knew about her was that she’d been born and raised in Elyria, and had been emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. Her stomach pains began after she left the scum.
He’d never spotted her here before, but then, he didn’t come very often these days. He really should leave. Walk the bike a good distance away before starting it so she wouldn’t hear it or see him. He didn’t want to invade her privacy, but when it became obvious she was crying, he couldn’t stay away. Not from her. Not from his Meghan. His protective instincts kicked in for her, every fucking time.
“Got to go, Mom,” he whispered. “The right girl needs me.”
After lifting the kickstand, Phenex walked the bike over and parked it next to hers. When she glanced up and saw him, she stood quickly and wiped her face, clearly embarrassed that she’d been spotted by someone she knew.
Fuck. You’re a goddam idiot!
Why the fuck hadn’t he left her alone? What the hell was wrong with him?
“Hey. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
Then what the fuck did you mean to do, genius?
“It’s okay.” She frowned. “What are you doing here?”
He tilted his head in the general direction of where he’d been. “My mom is buried here.”
“Oh. Yeah. You were young when she died, right?”
“Seven.” Everyone knew, but he didn’t talk about it. His Brothers knew the entire truth of course, and as with most gossip in the building, stories got around. She’d been there two years, so he wasn’t going to pretend she’d never heard the full story.
He cut his gaze toward the headstone next to her and swallowed hard. The image of a baby was carved on it.
“Guess my secret is out now,” she whispered.
“What?” Jesus Christ. He sounded like he’d fallen on his head recently.
She sighed out loud. “Come on. Sit down with me. I’ll tell you about her.”
Guilt, horrible and rancid, washed over him. “Meghan, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have come over.”
“It’s all right. I’m surprised no one has found me here yet. We all grew up in the area. It stands to reason some of us have dead relatives and friends buried here.”
“It was a private moment.”
The corners of her mouth lifted. “There’s nothing private in a cemetery, Phenex.” He sat on the ground next to her and read the name on the headstone. Faith Anne Sanders. The birth and death dates were only a week apart, just over two years ago.” Holy fuck.
He wanted to ask, but couldn’t. It was too much of a shock. Did anyone know the truth? Had she held it inside, all this time?
“I was seven months pregnant when she was born. They intended to deliver her by C-section because she was bleeding inside me, but my labor was too advanced already, and there was too much trauma to my abdomen. When they finally got her out of me, they life-flighted her to the NICU at Rainbow, where she survived a week. But I knew she wouldn’t live. Too much trauma. She was bleeding into her brain, you see, before she was born. There was nothing they could do.”
Phenex stayed silent, watching her shoulders rise and fall, wishing he had the magic words to take away her pain.
“The boyfriend I told you all about didn’t only abuse me emotionally. He beat the shit out of me every chance he got. The pregnancy wasn’t something I wanted, and it certainly was bad news to him.” She wiped her tears again. “He accused me of Faith not being his, which was bullshit.”
“I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. The anger building up inside him was all mixed up with the images of his dad killing his mom, thirty years ago.
“Then one day he came home early from drinking with the boys and interrupted me talking to a friend on the phone. A male friend. There was nothing going on. Never had been. He’s gay. My friend, that is. I tried to tell him that. Kevin, I mean. The ex-boyfriend is named Kevin. I even offered to let him meet my friend and talk to him in person.”
The sound of squirrels chattering overhead distracted them both. She watched the pair for a few seconds, frowning. “I hope they’re not arguing.”
“Do you think animals do that?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“I’ve never really thought about it.”
She reached out and brushed a finger over the letters on the headstone. Phenex swallowed hard again. Fucking A. Never in the two years she’d been at the club would he have guessed this was the secret she carried.
“When he started beating on me that day, I knew I’d lose her. Don’t ask me how I knew. It was just different. More brutal. I couldn’t fight him off like I usually could. He was angrier. More determined to really hurt me this time. Once I was on the ground, he kept … kicking me. Right in the gut. I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the ER at Elyria Memorial. I have no clue where he was, who called 911, or how I got to the hospital. There were cops all over the place.”
The anger grew white hot in Phenex’s mind. “Please tell me he’s in jail.”
“He is, but not for what he did to me. He got arrested that same night for armed robbery. You see, he liked guns. A lot. Had a few of them in the apartment. And when his buddies got together and drank, they thought it was fun to drive into Cleveland and hold up convenience stores in out-of-the-way places. Places they thought they were less likely to get caught. Fucking idiots. Only this time, Kevin pulled a job on his own. Probably why he got caught so easily.”
“What about what he did to you?”
“Oh, that got thrown out.”
He must have misunderstood her. “Excuse me?”
“Yeah. His lawyer said because of all the drugs the
y gave me in the ER, my statement to the cops would get tossed out at trial. The DA pushed for the involuntary manslaughter charge, which would have stuck, except that his attorney won his motion to quash the statement I gave in the ER.”
“That is pure fucking bullshit!” His shout disturbed the quiet space around them, but Phenex didn’t care.
“I agree, but sometimes our justice system sucks. They got him on armed robbery, though, and he went away for two to eight.”
“Meghan, I don’t even know what to say. That is not fucking right on any level.”
She brushed a finger along the headstone again. “No. It’s not. But at least I’m free of him. The friend I was talking to that night, Andy Spohn, keeps tabs on Kevin for me, but all I want to know is when he gets out so I can be ready in case he comes looking for me.”
“Does Andy know what happened with Faith?”
“Yes.”
“But you will never get justice for what Kevin did.”
The saddest expression he’d ever seen on anyone’s face covered hers. It tore at his heart. “Sometimes we don’t.”
No shit. His dad had gotten away with killing his mom because he’d run that same night and no one had found him for ten years. Phenex’s aunt and uncle had come to the house to stay with him, but they hadn’t lived there long. Within a year, he was living with them in their home, and his childhood home belonged to someone else.
It had taken another murder to finally bring his father to justice. He was in Trumbull Correctional Institution doing life for beating a different young woman to death in front of her kids.
Only this time, the kids had been older. Ten or eleven. They’d been paying attention and knew his hangouts. They knew where he went to drink and to pay for sex. The cops had picked him up within twenty-four hours, the kids had testified, and that was that.
Thirty years later, and Phenex still had no sense of justice for his mom’s death because he’d never gone to see his father and confront him. He wasn’t sure he ever would. Time to change the subject, because Meghan was giving him curious looks. “Why didn’t you ever tell anyone the truth?”