Connor looked like he’d been slapped. I opened my mouth to argue, to tell him I’d never said those things, well, not all of them, but he beat me to it.
“You’re right. I was an asshole in high school. And I don’t deserve the chance. Riley is an amazing woman, probably way too smart and good for someone like me. You’re a lucky guy.”
Connor extended his hand to Xander. Xander looked from Connor’s hand to me and back again. Reluctantly he shook Connor’s hand and gave him that single nod guy thing. Connor nodded back and glanced at me. “I’m sorry I was a jerk to you Riley. You’re a very pretty woman and I wish you the best.”
He looked like he was going to kiss my cheek but thought better of it when Xander cleared his throat and stepped closer to me. I rolled my eyes, wondering if they were going to drop their pants and measure. Connor looked like he really regretted not getting more of a chance to talk to me. I was enjoying talking to him, even though it was only for a few minutes. I looked up at Xander and saw him fighting a grin.
Before either of us could say anything to Connor, Mandy walked over. “There you are. I thought you went to get me a drink. Hey Riles, hot dress. Who’s the stud?”
Mandy stood up on her tiptoes and kissed Xander, wrapping her arms around his neck. He responded to her instantly, his hands sliding low on her hips as he deepened their kiss. I glanced up at Connor and he was gawking at them, shock and terror on his face.
Then he reached for Xander’s arm and spun him away from Mandy. Anger replaced the other emotions as his fist clenched at his side. “What the fuck, dude? You’re lecturing me on not being worthy of Riley and you’re making out with some other woman right in front of her. You’re an even bigger asshole than I am.”
Xander opened his mouth to speak, but I stepped between them, placing a hand on each man’s chest. Xander had Mandy tucked behind him protectively, his hand holding hers. Connor’s eyes were blazing and his nostrils flared. I would have laughed if I didn’t think he was going to beat the shit out of Xander.
“Xander is not my boyfriend. He’s married to Mandy, the woman behind him. We’re all good friends and he was just protecting me, making sure you weren’t some jerk who was going to try to take advantage of me.”
Connor’s eyes passed back and forth from me to Xander to Mandy. The fury he portrayed a few moments ago slipped to disbelief and then to amusement. “I guess I deserved that. Riley’s lucky to have friends that care so much.”
Xander reached his hand out to Connor’s again with a grin. “Sorry to trick you, man. We’re pretty protective of our ladies. We saw you watching Riles at the wedding and she said you didn’t know each other but went to high school together. There were plenty of jerks in my high school that would love to humiliate someone years later, just to be shitty. I wasn’t going to let that happen to Riles. If you’re a good guy though, we’re cool.”
Connor took his hand with a shake of his head, and a smile. “No desire to humiliate, just want to get to know Riley. If she’ll let me.”
All eyes swung to me. My heart rate kicked up. For the three years we were in high school together I dreamed of getting to know Connor Lee. But I wasn’t that girl anymore. I was a grown woman.
So why did I still want to jump on board and see where Connor Lee would take me?
“It’s fine. We’re just talking. You guys go have fun.”
Mandy winked at me and pulled Xander toward the bar. They paused halfway there and kissed, making my heart clench just a bit, then continued walking with their arms still wrapped around each other. I smiled at them, even though they weren’t looking at me, and wondered if I’d ever find that kind of love.
Connor cleared his throat, and my attention snapped back to him. He smiled sheepishly at me and ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry I was a jerk in high school. I didn’t mean to treat you so poorly. And I’m sorry I cornered you tonight. I’ll let you get back to your date if you want.”
He said the last part almost as a question, like he was fishing for more information. I took the bait. “No date. I’m here with my girlfriend.”
“Oh,” he said sadly. “I didn’t realize you were…”
I narrowed my eyebrows, struggling to understand where he was leading, what he was saying. Then it kicked in.
“Oh, shit. No, I’m not a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I meant girlfriend, like best friend. Sam, the bride, is one of our close friends. There’s eight of us women that hang out together. Four were in the wedding and the other four of us were sitting together, along with all the men.”
“Since I’m not getting a straight answer, I’m going to come out and ask. Are you single?”
I huffed a laugh as if it were obvious and said, “Yeah, I’m single.”
“Lucky me,” Connor mumbled, glancing away. “Will you dance with me?”
I cocked my head to the side, wondering why he was being so nice and devoting so much time to me. There were plenty of attractive women at the wedding. He didn’t need to be talking to me, and he certainly didn’t need to be dancing with me.
“You don’t have to do that. There are plenty of beautiful women you could be dancing with.”
“I don’t want to dance with a beautiful woman. I want to dance with you.”
I raised my eyebrows, both hurt and surprised he would say something like that. I ducked my head, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. It was like finding out your childhood hero was really a total douchebag that lied about all the cool stuff he’d done.
Tears burned the backs of my eyes, but I refused to cry in front of him. I knew what I was, but it hurt to hear it. To know Connor Lee didn’t think I was beautiful. Not that I ever imagined he would think it, but ouch.
His hand cupped my jaw and tried to lift my chin to look at him. I kept my eyes cast to the side so I didn’t look at him. He whispered, “Please look at me, Riley. Please.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and fought for control. Please, don’t let me cry, I repeated over and over in my head. When I felt like I could keep the pain inside I opened my eyes and looked at him.
His eyes were sad. His lips were turned down in a frown. And he was close. Close enough that I could feel his breath on my face. His hand was holding my jaw still, with tenderness I never expected from a former football player. “I didn’t mean that how it sounded. I only meant I wanted to spend time with you. I’m not here looking for someone to take home tonight. I just want to get to know you. Besides, you’re the most beautiful woman here.”
I rolled my eyes at him, knowing he was laying it on thick.
“I’m serious Riley. I can tell you don’t believe me, but it’s true. To me at least, I’m sure your friend, Xander, would argue his wife is the prettiest one. You have no reason to trust me, Riley, but all I’m asking for is a dance. If you don’t want to I’ll leave you alone. I’m not trying to harass you.”
I would be crazy to pass up the chance, right? I mean, it was Connor Lee. He’d fueled the first of my fantasies. One dance was harmless. But it was Connor Lee.
“Okay,” I said quietly.
Connor stepped back with a tentative smile on his face. He reached out to me and I slipped my hand into his, allowing him to lead me into the other room and onto the dance floor. He brought our joined hands up and wrapped his other hand around me, resting low on my back. The music drifted around us as we danced slowly, not speaking, just swaying together. His fingers caressed my lower back, sending bolts of lightning through my body. In my heels I was only a couple of inches shorter than him and could feel his breath on my cheek as he held me close.
His breathing became labored, just as mine was. I was heating up, wanting him more with each second that his hand rested against me. I’d always been pretty confident sexually, not shying away from making the first move or going for what I wanted with men. If I knew a man wanted me it gave me the confidence to kiss him or touch him.
But with Connor Lee my brain short circuite
d. He wanted me. I could feel it against my belly and hear it in his hitched breathing. His hand tightened on my back and drifted lower with each caress. It was Connor Lee. Holding me in his arms, dancing slowly with me at my friend’s wedding. Hard against my stomach.
Connor leaned back and looked down at me. His eyes held the promise of later. A night, maybe breakfast. But I wasn’t a one night stand sort of woman. If I was going to have later I was going to have more than one night, more than one chance.
I wasn’t the woman for Connor Lee.
When his eyes caught mine I didn’t care. For the briefest of moments I wanted to be like Carrie. I wanted to be okay with a one night stand. I wanted to go home with him. I wanted to fulfill my teenage fantasy of being with Connor Lee.
But I knew I couldn’t.
We stopped dancing, the moment holding us both captive. He appeared as affected as I was. His hand at my back tightened, nudging me slightly closer, pressing his erection into my pillow soft belly even further. His head dipped down as my chin lifted up. My eyes fluttered closed and that last teasing second before our lips met tortured me.
“Single ladies!” boomed over the speakers, making me jump. My eyes snapped open as the DJ continued his announcement. “Sam is getting ready to throw the bouquet and wants all you single ladies right here in front of me.”
Connor forced a grin and released me. He took a measured step back, whether to remind himself who I was or to give me space, I wasn’t sure, but either way it stung. He was less than a second from kissing me and changed his mind.
“Thank you for the dance,” he said before turning away from the dance floor.
Carrie was by my side, looping her arm through mine and dragging me toward the DJ. She was beaming with bright eyes and pink cheeks. Either she was drunk or she’d found someone to give her that glow. Maybe both. “Come on,” she gushed, “we need to get a good spot. Then I need to get back to Mark. He’s so cute. Who were you dancing with?”
I forced a smile and shook my head. “No one,” I told her, knowing it didn’t matter.
Sam looked out at us all and grinned her devilish smile. Brady stood behind her, his hand resting on her hip. When everyone was ready, Sam turned to face Brady. He gave her a kiss, “For luck,” his lips said, then stepped back. Sam gave two fake throws before she let go of the bouquet. It sailed toward me and panic froze me.
I didn’t want to catch the bouquet. A certain responsibility came with that. Maybe a perceived one, but still. I wasn’t getting married anytime soon. And I wasn’t in the mood for everyone to gush over me being next.
I stepped to the side as one of Sam’s cousins leapt in front of me. The bouquet brushed off the edge of her fingers and tipped toward Carrie. She reached for it, an eagerness in her eyes that told me she bought into the hype as much as I feared it. Carrie’s fingers closed around the stems of the roses just before the bouquet hit the floor and she raised it up, victorious.
Sam clapped and everyone cheered for Carrie. I congratulated her and found myself looking for Connor, even though I knew he was gone. Carrie hugged me a bit too enthusiastically, letting me know she was a little on the drunk side. “I need to show Mark,” she said too excitedly. No guy was going to stick around once he realized how ready Carrie was to actually be the next one down the aisle. Not that Carrie wasn’t worth it, but a wedding didn’t seem the place to meet someone you’d spend forever with.
God knew I struck out again.
I aimlessly followed Carrie, ready to sit down and ready to leave. When Carrie stopped in front of me I nearly ran into her. She threw her arms around a blonde guy with a smile I didn’t trust.
“Hey baby,” the guy said with a saccharine falsity that made me want to puke. Why was Carrie spending time with him?
“Look, Mark, I caught the bouquet!” she told him excitedly.
“Oh, yeah. Here, why don’t we give it to this girl here,” he said, taking it from Carrie’s hand and giving it to me. “She looks like she could use the luck,” Mark said not quietly enough.
Carrie snatched it back from me and stepped away from Mark. “It’s mine, and she doesn’t need luck. Riley is a wonderful, beautiful woman. How dare you insult my friend.”
Mark laughed and looked between us, Carrie with her arms crossed over her chest and me with a dumbfounded look on my face. “Wow. And here I thought you wanted to have some fun tonight.”
He turned and walked away, Carrie gawking after him. “What an asshole!” she said finally. “Oh, well. Let’s go get a drink and a cupcake.”
I didn’t know how she recovered so quickly. I was still on edge from Connor Lee almost kissing me. I shook my head to clear my thoughts of men who weren’t worth the time and looped my arm through Carrie’s, determined to enjoy the rest of the reception.
Four
The entire next day I daydreamed about Connor Lee. The feel of his hands on me, his breath on my face, the desire in his eyes before he leaned forward to kiss me.
And the look in his eyes when he bolted.
It sucked.
If he’d been any other guy I might have gone after him, maybe asked for his number. But with Connor Lee, I knew better. I knew the women he went for. I’d spent years watching him chase the skinny girls, the girls who were half my size, literally in some cases. I wasn’t the woman for Connor Lee, no matter how he looked at me for a minute.
We had nothing in common, so even if, for one fleeting moment, he did think he wanted to kiss me, it wouldn’t last. He was a jock, I was a nerd. He was gorgeous, I was ordinary. He was Connor Lee, I was Riley Williams.
By Monday morning I’d put my desire for Connor Lee back in the box it’d been in since high school, locked away tight, deep within my heart. Somewhere I could peek inside when I was at my low, when I needed to feel wanted, even if it was just for a minute.
My sleep was weak at best. As a sworn night owl, I was almost always up until midnight or later and slept until at least nine. Since READ didn’t open until ten, I had plenty of time to shower and get there before I had to open. But that Monday… I couldn’t sleep.
The clock mocked me at 7:03 am. I glared at it, willing myself back to sleep. I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over. I punched my pillow. I kicked the covers off then pulled them back on. I flipped over again.
Then I gave up.
It was 7:07 am.
Annoyed, I got out of bed. With almost three hours until I had to be at work I didn’t know what to do with myself. After a bowl of cereal and an extra long shower it was 7:54 am.
Damn.
Nothing good was on TV that early, just morning talk shows that didn’t interest me. I flipped on the radio then remembered Connor saying he had a radio show.
I chewed my nail as I debated. Hearing his voice might put me over the edge, but trying not to listen might be just as bad. I wanted to let him go. Hell, I did let him go. Bringing him into my house, even just his voice, was a bad idea.
Even as I convinced myself not to do it I ran through the local radio stations until I heard his voice.
“Welcome back, guys. It’s Connor here on No Girls Allowed. We’re talking about the games this weekend. The playoffs are in full swing and the games yesterday did not disappoint.”
Oh, God, why did I do it? One word and I was hooked, and I didn’t even like sports. I sat at my kitchen table and listened, enraptured, while Connor Lee talked about football. At least, I thought it was football. That seemed to be the sport that dominated commercials so it made sense it was the one he devoted his show to.
Before I knew it he was saying, “This is Connor Lee. Thanks for listening today guys. Tomorrow we’ll pick up where we left off here. And of course it’ll be Touchdown Tuesday so we’ll hear from all you armchair quarterbacks, and a few of the pros. Enjoy your day and remember, No Girls Allowed.”
I could hear the smile in his voice, the happiness with what he said and did. He enjoyed his job. And being something of a local celebrity, I knew he
hadn’t missed my presence Saturday night. Chances were he had his pick of someone else to take home.
Argh! I didn’t want to think about it. Connor Lee wasn’t in my life. And I wasn’t in his.
It was only nine when the show ended but I was done. I couldn’t sit around my little cottage any longer. I’d fallen in love with the little house when I found it, but letting Connor Lee in was going to take some cleansing. My galley kitchen spilled into the small dining room, barely big enough for a six person table. Walking around my table and back into the living room that held my insanely comfortable navy corduroy couch and a TV that stayed dark most of the time, I knew before I left I needed to find a way to relax.
And I knew just how to do it.
I trudged up the stairs to where the three bedrooms in my house all sat. My bedroom was nice enough for me with a king sized bed, one of my few indulgences. I only had one bathroom upstairs, but since I lived alone it wasn’t a big deal. My guest room, for my sisters or friends if we decided on a sleepover, filled the second room. But the third… the third room was my sanctuary.
As soon as I walked through the door to my library I felt my pulse begin to slow. The familiar smell of books combined with the sight of the hundreds of copies in my private collection calmed me in ways nothing else ever did. Not even the sound of my mother’s voice relaxed me the way books did.
It made sense that I surrounded myself with them in all aspects of my life.
I picked up my favorite book, The Great Gatsby, and sat in my chair, an overstuffed recliner I stole from my parents’ house when I got my own place. My fingers drifted over the bright yellow words and the lines of her face. The text had faded over the years, but the brilliant blue of the cover shone through. Just looking at it calmed my heart.
I opened the pages to where I left off and read for a few minutes, centering myself again and remembering who I was. And why I loved being me. Connor Lee, or any other man, wouldn’t change me, or make me feel like anything less than the wonderful person I was.
When I set the book down again I smiled. I was ready for work.
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