by Jan Drexler
He gripped his cup, not looking at her. “I don’t know. She hasn’t had a fever since the day after we arrived, but she is so weak.”
“Should we call a doctor?” Daed looked around the table. “He might be able to tell us what she has and help us treat her the correct way.”
Gideon sighed. “I don’t have money for a doctor.”
“I do.” All three of them looked at Ruby. “Remember when I went to help the Hostetler family when their baby was born? They insisted on paying me, but I’ve never spent any of it.”
“I can’t take your money,” Gideon said, frowning. “I’ll have to think of another way.”
“Why can’t you use my money for a doctor?”
“She’s my wife. My responsibility.”
“She’s my friend, and we’re a community. We help each other. I’m not using the money for anything else, and I’m not likely to. So I’ll give it to you for the doctor.” As Gideon’s frown deepened, she stood up. “Don’t argue with me. You know I’m right.”
Gideon slumped in his chair. “All right. Where do I go to find the doctor?”
“There is one in Berlin,” Daed said. He stood too, ready to stop talking and act. “I’ll hitch up the wagon and go with you.”
Ruby got a cloth to clean up Daniel’s messy hands and face. “Stop by Elizabeth’s on your way. She knows where I keep the money.”
Suddenly, she was anxious to see Lovinia. Surely, she couldn’t be as ill as the others thought. Yesterday she had been fine.
Ruby picked Daniel up in her arms, giving him a noisy kiss on the cheek. She caught Gideon watching her, his frown gone. Mamm was at the sink, starting to wash the dishes, and Daed had already gone out the door toward the barn. The sound of the children’s voices greeting him drifted in through the open window, but Gideon didn’t move to follow him. He reached to take Daniel from her arms, but the baby buried his face in Ruby’s shoulder, teasing him, and Gideon patted his back instead.
“He likes you.”
Ruby kissed the top of the baby’s head. “Only because I’ve spent so much time with him and Lovinia.”
“All the children like you.”
Gideon’s face held a sad expression Ruby couldn’t interpret. Perhaps it was resignation.
“And I like them.” She smiled, wanting to pull him out of his mood. “Things will get better, I’m sure of it. The doctor will prescribe a treatment and Lovinia will get well.”
He gave her a small smile. “Lovinia says you’re her sunshine, and I can see why. You’re a good friend for her, and I thank you for that.”
As Gideon followed Daed to the barn, Ruby climbed the stairs with Daniel. She peered in the bedroom door and found Lovinia lying in bed waiting for her.
“How are you this morning?” Ruby set Daniel on the floor where he could play with the toys she had put in a basket for him.
Lovinia’s face was pale, but she looked peaceful. “I’m all right, but I know Gideon is worried. What were you all talking about downstairs?”
“Daed and Gideon are going to Berlin to fetch the doctor. They are afraid you aren’t getting better.”
“The coughing has come back, and I had a bad spell last night.”
“Then I should take Daniel downstairs and let you sleep. You need your rest so you can get better.”
“I’m only tired, but not sleepy. I’d like for you to read to me, but I have something to ask you first.” Lovinia opened her eyes again. They shone bright blue in her pale face. “You might be right, that I will recover from this illness, but if I don’t—” Her words broke off as she started coughing.
Ruby helped her turn over and gave her the towel to hold to her mouth. When the coughing fit finally ended, Lovinia lay back down on the pillow, exhausted and even more pale than before, and the flecks of blood on the towel were larger than they had been last week. She breathed slowly, then looked at Ruby again.
“If I don’t survive, I want to make sure my children have a loving mother to raise them.” The corners of her mouth trembled. “And Gideon . . . he’s a good man. A man of God. Kind, hardworking, and loving. He needs a wife that can help him learn to laugh again.”
A tear trickled from the corner of her eye to the pillow, and she wiped it away. Ruby’s own eyes filled with tears as Lovinia reached for Daniel, resting one hand on his head as he played on the floor.
“I’m sure Gideon will be able to find another woman to marry if it comes to that.” Ruby blinked to chase the tears away. “You don’t need to worry about that now.”
“Ja, I do. Gideon won’t know what to do, and he will think he’s betraying me if he marries again. But he needs to, for his sake and for the children.” Lovinia paused to catch her breath. “I want you to marry him, Ruby. You’re the kind of woman Gideon needs for a wife and the kind of mother I want for my children.”
If Lovinia’s face hadn’t been so pale, Ruby might have laughed. But the woman was serious.
“Not me.” Ruby shook her head. “I’m not the right type of woman to take on a family. You need to look for someone like my mother.”
A smile crept across Lovinia’s face. “You don’t realize how much like Lydia you are.” She took another breath. “Please tell me you’ll consider it. That’s all I ask. I’ll rest easier if I know that you’re thinking about it.”
“All right.” Ruby took the Good Book from its place on the bedside table and opened it. “I’ll consider the idea, but it won’t be necessary. You’ll be well again before you know it.” She turned the pages to the book of Psalms. “Should I read the Shepherd’s Psalm?”
“Ja, I like that one.” Lovinia turned on her side, her face peaceful. “And after that, would you read the Gospel of John? Start at the beginning and keep reading, even if you think I might be asleep. I’ll be listening.” She gave Ruby a smile. “I am so glad the Good Lord brought us here. You are like a sister to me.”
“The Good Lord certainly brought us together.” Ruby patted Lovinia’s hand, then turned to the Twenty-Third Psalm and started reading. “‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.’”
She glanced at Lovinia. Her friend’s expression was peaceful, but her lips and fingernails were tinged with blue. She bit her bottom lip. What if Lovinia was right? After all this suffering, would her illness only lead to death?
Ruby turned back to the book on her lap. Only the Good Lord knew the future, and she could trust it to his hands.
Gideon stood with his hands clasped behind his back as the doctor examined Lovinia. Curling tendrils of gray encircled the man’s bald head, bent in concentration as he moved his listening instrument over Lovinia’s chest. The little man leaned over the sick woman, his short body bent at nearly a right angle.
Glancing up at Gideon, the doctor beckoned him. “Help me turn her onto her side.”
Gideon crouched beside the bed as he turned Lovinia to face him.
“Don’t look so worried,” she whispered.
“We need absolute quiet, please,” the doctor said as he pressed the stethoscope to Lovinia’s back.
Gideon answered his wife with a smile. But why shouldn’t he be worried? Her skin was nearly gray, and her breathing was labored. But her eyes remained the clear blue he remembered from their courting days.
“Take a deep breath, please.”
As Lovinia obeyed the doctor’s request, her breath hitched, then she coughed. Gideon gave her the cloth Lydia kept draped over the headboard. When she finished coughing, he saw the specks of blood that had become normal to him, but the doctor took the cloth and examined it closely.
“Hmm.” He glanced at Gideon again, his bushy eyebrows thrust upward. “You can help her lie on her back.”
The older man perched on the chair at Lovinia’s bedside, hooking his heels on the rungs the way Sophia or Roseanna would.
“Now, my dear,” he said, taking Lovinia’s hand. “How long have you been ill?”
“A long time.” She didn’t look at Gideon.
“Since before the baby was born.”
Gideon ran his hand over his beard. He had been busy with the farm, with the church, studying for his sermons . . . How had he missed that she was ill? Or did she hide it from him?
“You have more than one child?” At Lovinia’s nod, the doctor went on. “Tell me about the times before and after their births. Did you feel ill then, also?”
This time Lovinia gave Gideon an apologetic glance as she nodded. “Each time was harder, but I didn’t want to worry my husband.”
“Shortness of breath? Tiring easily? Feeling dizzy?”
“Ja, ja, ja. All of those things.” When the doctor frowned, she said, “But it always went away after a few months. I thought this would too.”
Gideon leaned forward, taking Lovinia’s hand. “Do you know what it is, Doctor? What can we do to help her get better?”
The doctor glanced at Gideon, then spoke to Lovinia. “Keep resting and eat well. Let others do the worrying and the work.” He laid both hands on his knees, pushing himself to his feet. “I’ll have a word with your husband and then I’ll be on my way.”
Lovinia closed her eyes, exhausted by the doctor’s visit, while Gideon followed him down the stairs and out to his carriage.
“How long will it take for her to get well, Doctor?”
The little man put his black bag in the carriage, then faced Gideon with a sigh. “She won’t get well, young man. Not without a miracle.”
Gideon’s knees turned to water. “That can’t be. She’s only weak from so many months of hunger and worry. Now that we’re here, away from the war, she’ll get better.”
“It’s her heart, the poor child. It is very weak and has been for many years.” He removed his glasses and polished them with his handkerchief. “Her heart is defective. It doesn’t pump the blood in the correct way, and it never has. It affects her lungs and her ability to breathe well. It also affects how oxygen moves to other parts of her body.”
“But rest will help, won’t it? You told her to rest.”
The doctor gripped Gideon’s arm. “I am so sorry, but the only thing rest will do is to give her more time. Frankly, I am surprised that she has survived this long, especially after giving birth to four children.”
“How much more time do we have?”
“A week, perhaps a month or two. There is no telling.”
Gideon stiffened his legs, his mind searching for a way to understand the doctor’s words.
The man continued. “You need to know what to expect. Her heart may give out suddenly, or it may just slowly stop beating. She may pass away in her sleep, and that would be a blessing.” He wiped his eyes with the handkerchief and put his glasses in his vest pocket. “You need to be prepared for the end, and you need to prepare your family.”
Gideon’s gaze found Roseanna and Sophia playing near the barn with Ezra. Abraham had built a playhouse for his grandchildren, and the three were in the middle of a game, jumping in and out of the little building. Ezra’s carefree giggles reached him from across the barnyard.
“How?” He looked at the doctor. “How do I tell my children that their mother is . . . is going away?”
“I can’t tell you how to do that. But you’re a religious man, aren’t you? The Good Lord will help you when you need him.”
The doctor climbed into his carriage while Gideon untied the horse from the hitching rail. His fingers were numb, and he fumbled with the knot, but then with a wave, the doctor was on his way.
Gideon gripped the hitching rail, his head reeling. He couldn’t lose Lovinia. She had to get better. The children needed her. He needed her. How could someone who enjoyed life so much lose it when she was so young?
Footsteps on the porch reminded him that he was not alone. Ruby stepped to his side, her eyes searching his face.
“What did the doctor say? Lovinia is going to recover, isn’t she?”
Gideon shook his head, not trusting his voice. He swallowed. “He said her heart is weak.”
Ruby pressed her fingers to her lips. “It can’t be. He could be wrong.”
“I would like to believe that, but I know she is suffering—” His voice broke. She had been ill for years, and he hadn’t noticed. He had been too wrapped up in his own work, believing that her tiredness was a passing thing. “I don’t know how to tell the children.”
“You should go to her, first,” Ruby said. “I’ll care for the children, but you need to be with her.”
Ruby wiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth. The corners of her mouth quivered, but she gave him a smile.
“Lovinia needs you now. She needs you to be strong. Let her know that you and the children will be all right after she’s gone. She worries about you.”
Gideon glanced toward the upstairs window. The dark pane reflected the afternoon light. Even now, Lovinia’s heart could be taking its last beat. He couldn’t waste a minute of the time they had left together.
He laid his hand on Ruby’s. “Will you tell the children? About Lovinia? They love you and trust you. I don’t think I can do it.”
She paused, then drew her hand out from under his. “I could give them the news, but they need to hear it from you. You’re their father.”
Ruby was right. He needed to be with his children when they heard this. He squeezed his eyes closed. How could he tell them something so painful? How could he comfort them when he couldn’t find comfort for himself?
“Will you be there with me then, when I tell them?” His throat tightened, and he looked at the woman beside him. “If they ask questions, I won’t have the answers for them.”
She nodded, her freckles dark against her pale skin. “We will do it together with the Good Lord giving us strength.”
Gideon turned away and headed toward the house and Lovinia. Mein Herr. Where are you? I feel like you have abandoned me in my hour of need once again.
He took the stairs two at a time, then paused in the doorway of the bedroom. Lydia had come to sit with his wife while he had been outside, and now the older woman rose from the chair.
“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” She drew him out of the room and onto the landing at the top of the stairs. “When she goes to sleep, will you come down and let Abraham and me know what the doctor said?”
“Ja, for sure.”
He slipped into the room and took Lydia’s place in the chair.
Lovinia opened her eyes and smiled when she saw him. “I’m glad you came back.”
“Shh. Don’t talk. Save your strength.”
She ignored him. “I know what the doctor told you. I’m going to die, aren’t I?”
Gideon’s throat squeezed at her words. “You’ve always been stronger than I am. The thought of losing you scares me like nothing else I’ve ever faced.”
“You’ll be fine without me.” She took his hand. “The Good Lord will give you the strength you need.”
Mein Herr, I don’t need your strength. I need my wife.
“I want you to promise me something.”
Gideon tightened his grip on her hand. “Anything. I’ll do anything you want.”
“I want my children to have a stepmother who loves them, and I want you to have a wife who can work alongside you in ways that I’ve never been able to do.”
“Don’t talk about that. We need to spend our energy on making you well.”
Lovinia lay back against her pillows, waiting until her breathing returned to normal. “I’m not going to get well, and I don’t want to spend the time I have left arguing with you and worrying about the children.” She rested again. “I want you to marry Ruby.”
The memory of his first sight of Ruby Weaver flashed through his mind, with her manly stride and curly red hair escaping from the confines of her kapp.
“I can’t marry Ruby.” He shook his head. “I can’t even consider marrying someone else. Lovinia, don’t ask this of me.”
“I didn’t ask you if
you wanted to marry her, I asked you to promise me that you would.” Lovinia’s chest rose and fell as she struggled to catch her breath. “I love her like a sister, and I know you will grow to love her too.” She squeezed his hand in hers, but her grip was weak. “Promise me, Gideon. Promise. Please.”
“Lovinia, I—”
“Promise me. Then I can rest assured that you and the children will be taken care of.”
Gideon watched Lovinia’s face, the dark circles around her eyes and the blue-tinged lips. Her life was so fragile . . .
“Ja, for sure.” At his words, her set mouth relaxed. “I promise. Whatever you want, I’ll do.”
4
The days passed quickly with early summer sunshine. Daed spent his time in the fields with Samuel and his sons, working to get the crop planted and growing well, but Ruby barely noticed anything that happened outside of Lovinia’s sick-room and the time she spent with the children.
A week had passed since the doctor’s visit. A week since Gideon had asked her to help him tell the children about their mother’s health, but they still hadn’t had that conversation. In fact, she hadn’t talked with him at all except for the grunt he gave her as a greeting each morning. He gave no sign of when he planned to speak to the children. Ruby sighed as she finished putting away the breakfast dishes in Mamm’s kitchen. Poor Gideon. The only thing he was thinking about now was his wife and his family. He had even refused Daed’s offer to let him help in the fields, saying he didn’t want to leave Lovinia’s side for more than a few minutes.
Lovinia had told her that Gideon had promised to marry her, if Ruby agreed. She didn’t know what his thoughts were regarding Lovinia’s request, but as the possibility flitted through her mind, Ruby shuddered a bit. She didn’t blame him for not speaking with her about that. She didn’t want to look past this minute into the future without Lovinia, either.
Hearing the children’s footsteps on the stairs, Ruby wiped off the table in preparation for the rest of the day. Each morning after breakfast, Gideon took the children to visit Lovinia, then Ruby kept them busy until dinnertime. Gideon would eat dinner with the children while Ruby sat with Lovinia, then she would take over the child care again while Gideon spent the afternoon at his wife’s bedside.