by Sam Mariano
He nodded his understanding so I didn't have to say it.
"Anyway, you know how you were talking about college? And how you brought up that you thought it was really silly for me not to go? Well, I've had a lot of spare time on my hands lately, so I've been thinking about it, and I realized you're right. I love to learn, and I want to be able to get a good job someday. There's nothing wrong with Wendy's, but I certainly don't want to work there forever. I want a job that I'll make pretty good money doing and that I'll enjoy doing. I want books to be involved, and I want to be able to buy myself a house and a nice car."
He smiled at me, his eyes twinkling. "You're going to college?"
I nodded, smiling right back. "Yeah, and I was thinking we could go together. I mean, I don't really know how your plans are looking right now, because we haven't been talking about it, but if you decide to do the community college and then transfer thing, I definitely want to do it, too. I don't know what we'll do about living arrangements, but we still have some time to figure it out. I've been doing some research, and I think we can do this."
Derek offered me a smile. "That's great, Nikki. I'm glad you're going to college, it seemed like such a waste for you to skip it."
"Yeah. But you're still going, right?" I asked tentatively.
"I'm... yeah, at least part-time."
I nodded, although I wasn't completely satisfied with that. If he had to go part-time though, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. The whole baby thing was going to require sacrifices, so I decided I should just be glad that he was at least going to try to go part-time.
It was still frustrating though. I hated to see anything holding him back, even if only temporarily.
Speak of the devil, his biggest obstacle came walking over to the table at that very moment, her unsmiling gaze sliding past me as if I didn't exist and landing on Derek.
"I need to talk to you for a minute," she said.
"Okay," he said, turning so that he could look at her.
Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Alone," she clarified.
Derek looked at me apologetically and told me he'd be back, standing up and leaving the cafeteria with Kayla.
I watched sullenly, thinking about how much I despised Kayla. That feeling wasn't made any better when one of Derek's dumber friends said, "She's hot."
I shot him a disgusted look, but held my tongue, looking up at the large clock and waiting for Derek to return.
It seemed like hours later when Derek finally came back into the cafeteria. He didn't look very happy, but Kayla had a smile on her face, which worried me just a bit. Obviously she won whatever she had set out to win.
"What was that all about?" I asked as he sat down beside me.
"Nothing," he said vaguely.
I frowned slightly, feeling a little unhappy that he didn't want to share with me, but I didn't push the issue.
Of course Derek and I both worked that night, but he worked later, so when Stephanie and I were at work I asked her if she wanted to hang out for a little while after.
"Oh, I would," she said apologetically. "But I kind of already promised Erika I would go to dinner with her."
"I like Erika," I remarked, thinking maybe we could all three go.
She hesitated for a moment. "Kayla's going to be there."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," she said.
I shrugged, grabbing a cup and filling it with ice, sticking it under the pop machine. "No big deal."
She waited exactly two seconds before deciding, "You're mad at me."
I forced a smile. "I'm not mad at you."
"I hate this whole thing between you and Kayla. I hate being in the middle of it. You're my friend and I love you, but Kayla's also my friend, she's... I mean, we've been best friends since we were five, we're planning to be best friends until we die."
"Well, I hope you are," I told her. "I'm not mad, Stephanie. I don't like her, I never will, but I don't care if you do. I just thought maybe we could hang out tonight, but if you have other plans it's okay, we will some other time."
Luckily I was getting off work just a few minutes after that, because I didn't like feeling like I was on bad terms with Stephanie.
Kayla seemed to be seeping into every aspect of my life. She was causing problems between me and my boyfriend, having his child, hogging my only friend—before long she would probably be coming onto Alex and applying at Wendy's so she could invade the only parts of my life she hadn't yet.
But I couldn't let it get to me, I kept telling myself. I couldn't let her get to me. So what if Derek still hadn't told me what their talk was about? So what if he still hadn't let me see the ultrasound picture? So what if he changed the subject when I asked about baby names? Who was I to care if he avoided my father, but went out to dinner with her grandparents?
I was so not jealous.
Irritated, but never jealous.
I had to keep my focus. I couldn't let Kayla get inside my head—that was exactly what she wanted.
However, I decided that I could temporarily sulk about my situation, just to get it out my system. I curled up on the couch by myself with some popcorn and watched some lame 80's horror movie. There was a dark-haired girl about as tiny as Kayla in it, and of course she kept "almost" getting killed, so that kind of made me happy. Unfortunately, she was also the main character, so she ended up living.
Alex came in unexpectedly before the movie was over, and I wasn't completely sure what to do. I hadn't been overly friendly toward Alex since his talk about Derek cheating on me and my mother's feelings for Mike. Of course it was my fault I let him get to me, but still, if he wouldn't have put the thought in my head I wouldn't have gone up to Burger King.
Apparently Alex was a bit oblivious to my coolness though, because after discarding his coat and cigarettes on the table, he just flopped down on the couch next to me and grabbed some popcorn from my bowl.
"What are you watching?" he asked.
"A movie," I replied.
"I had gathered that much. What movie is it?"
"I don't know," I murmured.
He sat there for a few minutes, watching the brunette "run for her life" a few times. "This is a really bad movie," he stated.
"Definitely," I agreed.
"I feel dumber for having sat here for ten minutes actually watching it."
"It's mind-numbing; that was its appeal."
He glanced over at me. "More drama?"
Intentionally misunderstanding I said, "It's not a drama, it's a lame attempt at horror."
"Your love life? Wow, you really do take after your mother."
I scoffed, feeling a little disgruntled. "No kidding. I was talking about the movie, but of course you knew that."
"And I was asking about your love life, not the movie—but of course you knew that."
I shrugged. "The drama's nothing new."
"Maybe not to you, but your old man's still pretty clueless about the whole situation."
I shot him a jaunty smile. "That's how I like you."
"Regardless, I think I have a right to know what's going on in my daughter's life. It's my duty as a parent to take an interest and... whatnot."
I shook my head. "I really don't want to talk about it. You'll just think I'm stupid anyway, so what's the point?"
He laughed. "Me? Are you serious? What could you possibly do that I haven't done already?"
I hesitated, thinking maybe it would be better to let him know sooner rather than later. "I...No, I—it's too... you'll think..."
He eyed me up. "You're not pregnant, right?"
I let out a loud sigh. "No, I'm not pregnant."
"Good," he said, inclining his head.
"Derek's ex-girlfriend is," I finished.
His jaw actually fell open a bit. "Not good."
I shook my head and put the popcorn down, no longer hungry.
"So... you broke up again?" he guessed.
"No."
"No?" he questioned, one
black eyebrow shooting up.
"That's why we broke up in the first place," I explained. "But we're back together."
He didn't say anything for a few seconds, then he finally said, "Not to point out the obvious here, Nicole, but considering your family history with this particular topic... do you really think that's wise?"
"I can see how it wouldn't look very wise to you, but Derek and I have thought about this and we want to make it work. We both realize it may be a little harder because of this—"
"A little harder?" he interrupted. "No, finding out he wants to go to school in Rhode Island and you want to go to California would make it a little harder. Finding out you're an atheist and he's a devout Christian might make it a little harder. Finding out you hate kids and he wants ten—"
"I get it," I said a bit irritably.
"Finding out he's having a baby with someone else, on the other hand, makes it damn near impossible. You’re too young to take on that kind of baggage."
"That isn't true," I stated.
"He's Mike's kid, Nicole. If anybody in the world should know what a bad situation this is, you should. You study your mother's journals like most people study the Bible."
"This is different," I told him.
"No, I assure you, it isn't. Women always think it's different, Nicole, but it never is."
"Not this time!" I said. "When he first found out...yes, he went back to her, but that was because he was confused. He didn't know what to do, he had to take responsibility. He doesn't care about her," I insisted.
"Déjà fucking vu," he said, rolling his eyes.
That irritated the hell out of me, because I knew what he had to be thinking. "Alex, it isn't like that. He isn't Mike. You don't understand. He came back to me, not the other way around."
"I can't believe this," he said, shaking his head. "I can't believe you're doing this."
I felt indescribably desperate to get him to understand, to prove that our situation was different. "He cares about me. I know he does. I can feel it. And we've both acknowledged that this is going to be harder, but we're both determined to make this work. He isn't going to go back to her, now—"
"Yeah, sure he isn't," he said sarcastically. "He's never going to hurt you again, right? Now that he's screwed up big time, he's going to be the perfect boyfriend and you two will live happily ever after in a little cottage with singing birds to help you do the household chores. While you're at it, you and the ex-girlfriend will overcome your differences, she’ll see this was for the best, that Derek belongs with you, she'll happily find someone else and you two can be pals. You'll all live happily ever after."
I glared. "I don't appreciate your sarcasm."
"Well, I don't appreciate your stupidity," he returned.
"I'm not stupid," I told him. "I've thought this through—"
"No, Nicole, you haven't. You cannot possibly grasp what it's going to be like. Right now that baby isn't real to him, but when it's born..." He shook his head. "I cannot believe that after everything your mother went through—I thought you were smarter and stronger than Jamie was."
"I am!"
"Obviously not," he said tiredly, "since now I have to watch you do to yourself exactly what she did to herself."
I shook my head, feeling a little angry, a little sad, but mostly tired. "You're wrong."
He gave a sarcastic guffaw and nodded, smirking at the wall. "Yeah, clearly. It's not like I was there or anything, so clearly you know what you're talking about."
"You weren't here when it was all happening, Alex," I said a bit resentfully, annoyed that he wanted to pretend he knew everything.
"No, Nicole, I wasn't. However, I was the only person that your mother actually cried to about him. She told me everything. We talked for hours one night, she told me everything he said, everything he did, every reason she held on, when she fell in love with him, why she fell in love with him. And you know what, Nicole? I heard it all then, and you're saying exactly what she said. He's different, is he, Nicole? Then why did he knock up his ex? He's not different. One night he's giving you bedroom eyes and making you think you've got him, but the next he’s fucking her. He's not different, Nicole, he's just a normal guy, just like Mike, just like me... he isn't special. You say he doesn't care about her? 'It's not about Sarah, it's about the baby,'" he said heavily. "Mike said it to her and she said it to me, and you know what, Nicole, it was a load of bullshit. Even if it's true, even if he doesn't care about her, that doesn't matter anymore. If you were smart, you'd walk away right now."
"I can't!" I blurted.
For the first time, I thought I saw disappointment in his eyes, and I had to look away.
Alex stood up. "I guess I just thought you were stronger than that," he said, walking over to the table and slipping on his coat, feeling the pocket for the keys and picking up his cigarettes, depositing them into his other pocket.
"I didn't mean to fall in love with him," I admitted, my eyes burning a little. "I didn't want to."
"Neither did she. I had to watch her pain. Don't make me watch yours, too," he said, opening the trailer door and preparing to step out.
"This really is different, Alex," I said one last time, although I was out of gusto, so my voice lacked any emotion.
He paused briefly, glancing at me over his shoulder. "I hope you're right."
With that, he walked out and shut the door behind him, leaving me as he had found me, all by myself to watch the world's worst horror movie.
Later that night I tried to call Derek, wanting him to make me feel a little better about everything. Unfortunately I got his voice mail both times, so I gave up and went to bed.
Another dream of my mother might've been nice after my fight with Alex, but instead of my mother I dreamed of the bleachers on the football field, of Derek sitting on the bleachers next to Kayla. They were engaged, as her family had been pressuring him, but he promised me that even though he was marrying Kayla, he cared about me and he wouldn't even kiss her. Of course then Kayla whined and pressured him, and he did kiss her.
I made myself wake up at that point, and even though I realized it was only 4:40 and I didn't need to be up yet, I couldn't go back to sleep.
Alex had not bothered to come home, I realized as I made my way to the computer to work on some more scholarship stuff.
I decided to blow it off, because I didn't want to think about anything he said, and I knew from experience that if I pretended it never happened, he probably would.
I caught up with Derek in our first class, and he came over and sat on my desk like old times.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Hi," I said a bit breathlessly, sitting down and digging my books out of my bag. "We have a test today, don't we?" I asked, yanking my notebook out to review real quick.
"Were you up all night studying?" he asked, lightly tilting my chin up so he could get a better look at my eyes.
"No, actually I barely studied at all. Why?"
"You look tired," he said.
"Couldn't sleep," I said vaguely, opening my notebook.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
I shook my head, but I didn't look up at him. "No."
"Are you lying to me?" he asked, his eyes twinkling a little.
I shook my head. "No, it's nothing. I got in a little bit of a... debate with Alex, then I had bad dreams all night, so... sleeping just didn't happen."
"What are you and Alex fighting about?"
I shook my head. "Just... stupid stuff. I tried to call you last night," I told him, looking up at him.
"Yeah, sorry, I got your voice mail this morning. My phone was off."
"Oh," I said, nodding a little, hoping he would tell me why without prompting.
He didn't. He just said, "So, other than fight with your dad, what did you do last night?"
"Watched a really bad horror movie, ate popcorn... nothing too eventful. And you? What were you doing?" I asked lightly.
"I was just han
ging out with some friends after work. Nothing too eventful."
He was hanging out with friends? That was why he couldn't answer the phone to me? I felt a little bit stingy that hearing that annoyed me, that I felt like he should have spent that time with me. Of course he should still hang out with his friends. After all, I didn't own him; he didn't have to spend every free moment with me.
Still, would it have killed him to answer his phone?
Over the next couple of days, I didn't really see Derek at all. I got to see him in class and at lunch, but that was it. He was working seven days that week, which I only learned when I finally got up the nerve to say something to him Thursday about not seeing him.
Friday night when I was at work Stephanie asked me if I wanted to come to a party afterward. I told her I was going to attempt to call my boyfriend when he got off work, because I was in need of some attention. She gave me a funny look and said, "I thought he had that thing with Kayla today."
My blood froze. "What thing with Kayla?"
"I don't know, maybe I'm wrong," she said apprehensively. "He would have told you. I thought she said it was today."
"What was today?" I asked more sharply than I intended.
Stephanie seemed to be a little nervous. "You should ask him, I don't want to..."
"Steph," I said, giving her a pointed look.
"It was nothing, really," she said. "I just thought... I mean... You know how Kayla's family is. I thought he was going to her grandma's house tonight."
I felt instant relief, and even half smiled. "Oh, no, he met the grandparents last weekend."
"No, I know, but I thought they were having dinner tonight, too. I called Kayla last night and she was helping her grandmother make the pie for dessert."
The relief evaporated. "What?" I asked, confused.
"I could be wrong," she offered apologetically, shrugging a little.
I shook my head. "Derek is not that stupid. I refuse to believe I could be dating somebody that stupid."
So I called him during my break, but I got his voice mail.
"Derek, this is Nikki—you know, your girlfriend. Your real one, anyway. I was just calling to see what you're doing. I know you said you worked tonight, but I couldn't remember if you went in at four or six, and... Well, um, I guess I'm gonna go. Call me as soon as you get off, I need to... Just call me, okay? I need to verify something."