by Amanda
There were at least thirty items on the list, most of them she expected: shirts, pants, shoes, coats, hair and toothbrushes, but some of the things he thought to add to the list surprised her. He had thought of everything from deodorant to underwear. He was so thoughtful, she looked back down at the list and smiled at how hard he tried. Though he clearly didn’t know what to call some of them, he had written things like "fancy body scrubbers women use" and "lotions and other smelly things" but the one that touched her the most was, "makeup, if you like to wear it, you certainly don’t need it." His kindness seemed to be never ending, but experience told her that it would end, at some point. The reminder brought her back to reality and her anger started anew.
"I do not need all of that! A coat, a couple of pairs of jeans, a few shirts, the underwear, and some of the personal care items you listed, and that’s it." She crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her chin indignantly. He found a parking spot, shut the car off, and turned to face her.
Her blood heated as he studied her face, she was not going down without a fight on this. What was it about this man that made her so comfortable expressing herself? Three days ago she never would have allowed her anger to show like that toward a man. For some reason, with Brian everything was different, easier somehow.
She didn’t know what to think or feel when he just smiled and shrugged. He turned to open his door and over his shoulder said; "That’s fine, I’ll just pick up everything you refuse to."
Before she could form a retort he was out of the car on his way to her door. She was fuming. Why couldn’t he just put a roof over her head and leave it at that? She hated being so indebted to him knowing she could never repay him, or live up to his wants and needs in a wife. He opened the door and stood back, giving her space, as he always did.
"Why do you have to be so stubborn? I don’t want to have to owe you any more than I already do!" She was on the verge of tears, she knew she should stop arguing and pushing him, but she just couldn’t.
"You owe me nothing! You are my wife! Everything that’s mine is yours, I just want to take care of you; I know you don’t trust me, but at least allow me to try to prove myself. I’m not out to get anything, I’m not keeping a tally, I just want to buy you some clothes and make you comfortable, that’s all." She kept waiting for his generosity to run out, she was sure it would soon, but he kept insisting that he wanted to do all of these things because they were married.
But, they weren’t really, legally, maybe, but they had never consummated the marriage and she had no intention to. She knew as soon as he finally realized that she wasn’t going to be the wife he needed he’d drop her like a hot potato. All men only wanted one thing from her, and she was sure Brian Harris was no different, even if he seemed to be. She wanted him to be different, but she just couldn’t let herself go there. No man would accept what she had to offer; a platonic, loveless, charade of a marriage. Friendship at most.
"You’re impossible. And you have the worst handwriting I’ve ever seen, are you sure you’re a lawyer and not a doctor?" She cringed, she shouldn’t have said that, she needed to work on keeping her tongue under control.
"My mom says the same thing!" She raised an eyebrow, "That you’re impossible, or that you write like a doctor?" He smiled widely and held open the door for her.
"Both."
"Oh, and what exactly are ‘hair things’ and ‘other smelly things’?" He laughed, and raised his hand in the direction of the Bath & Body Works they were passing.
"Well, that entire store. I don’t really understand it, but I know my mom and sister always had copious amounts of lotions, gels, and sprays from there. Hair things- you know, pony tail holders, clips, headbands, all those little do-dads that Julia had boxes full of."
"Julia?" She could have sworn the ex-fiancée was Kara.
"My little sister." He nodded emphatically and steered them into a large department store.
"Do I need to baby sit you to make sure you get everything on the list, or do you think you can handle it?" Did he suddenly think she was rich and could just afford everything on his ridiculous list? Was she wrong to assume he’d be taking care of it? She didn’t have a penny to her name, she wouldn’t be able to live up to his expectations, what if this was a test, what if… "Hello, earth to Aria. Are you okay?" She had been so lost in worry that she hadn’t even noticed Brian trying to get her attention. She nodded.
"Do you want me to shop with you for a bit, or do you want to split up and get everything we both need, so we can be on our way quicker?" He was studying her intently; he must have seen the worry in her face because he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. "If you want to split up, you’ll need this." He handed her a debit card with his name stamped on it. Relief flooded through her, she didn’t expect him to do all of these things, or even want him to, but she couldn’t have lived up to his expectations alone. She swallowed hard and tried to smile.
"Thanks, I think I can handle shopping. How long do you think you’ll need? Do you want to meet at the food court?"
"I shouldn’t be more than two hours, food court’s fine; you have my number if you need me. You shouldn’t have any issues using the card, but if you do, just call. Don’t worry if you don’t get everything before we meet, we can finish after we meet. I just need to pick up a couple of things." He was just going to trust her, an almost stranger, with his bankcard? Was he insane? Well, probably, he did marry a stranger after all…well, so did she.
"Two hours. Food court. Got it. I’ll spend as little as possible." And she meant it, she was already uncomfortable using his money, and his little list could add up quickly if she let it.
He shook his head; "We aren’t made of money by any means, but we can afford a little shopping spree today. Don’t worry about price for today, okay? I’ll see you in two hours, call if you need me, even if you just need a shopping buddy, I’m great at carrying shopping bags." He winked, and they parted ways.
She looked around the enormous store he’d left her in, she didn’t have the slightest clue where to start, she hadn’t been into a store in over a decade, and had never been left to shop on her own. She looked down at the piece of plastic in her hand, she wasn’t even sure she knew how to use it, she shoved it in her pocket and decided she’d start with jeans. She looked down at the grubby ones she had on, they were almost too large for her, and hadn’t been washed in over a week, they were stained and fading, but they were all she had.
Looking at the piles off new, clean clothes in front of her was overwhelming, the last time she had something brand new to herself was when she was twelve. She wasn’t even sure what size she was, she sighed and picked up four pairs all in different sizes and trudged off to the dressing room.
Zero. She was a size zero, the thought depressed her, she was sure most women would be elated to be so thin, but seeing the number…or rather lack of number, just reminded her of years of hunger pains, mistreatment, and of being nothing. There was a reason she was so small and it wasn’t due to a healthy lifestyle and good genes, it was due to too much work and not enough food. All of the meals she’d shared with Brian so far came to mind, he allowed her to eat whatever she wanted and however much she wanted, she hadn’t felt so satisfied in years.
She smiled and picked out a couple pairs in a size larger as well, with any luck, she’d continue to eat until she was satisfied, and she’d become an actual size again. She had always been naturally thin, but never like this. She examined herself in the mirror, she didn’t have any curves, and she could see every bone clearly. She shuddered, she was a pile of bones covered in skin, she hoped to change that by living with Brian and being allowed to eat her fill. That is, until he’d had enough of her.
She shook her head, quickly put on her old clothes, gathered the jeans she’d selected and made her way back to the clothing department. She wasn’t even sure what was "in" right now, she looked around studying the other women shopping around her when a friendly looki
ng sales clerk bounced over and offered her assistance. Aria was relieved that the young girl, Mandy, would be helping her, and Mandy seemed more than happy to help her shop for an entire new wardrobe.
Mandy made quick work of the list and before she knew it she had almost everything checked off of her list. She had watched a few other people pay using the card machine before it was her turn, so that wasn’t much of a problem after all. What was a problem, however, was how she was going to carry all of her bags…and she still had one more store to stop at.
After a quick stop at Target for the rest of her items, she made her way to the food court. She felt like a pack mule with all the shopping bags she had draped over her arms, she was pretty proud of herself, she had gotten everything on his list in just under two hours, and with much less money than she had thought she would spend. He said he wasn’t worried about cost, but she was. She didn’t want to spend any more than necessary, not knowing his financial situation very well.
He spotted her coming near his table and jumped up to relieve her of some of her cargo. As he slid a group of bags from her arm, his fingers gently brushed the exposed skin of her wrist, it wasn’t intentional or sexual, she knew that, but it still made every hair follicle come to attention. She quickly withdrew her arm and several of the bags dropped from her arm to the floor, and Brian immediately bent to pick them up and added them to the group he had already taken from her.
"Sorry."
His eyebrows furrowed. "No, don’t be. I need to be more careful. Do you want to grab a snack to tide us over for the ride home, or do you have more shopping to do?" He needed to be more careful? He was walking on eggshells for her, she was the one with the problem.
"Nope, I got it all. How far is home that we need something to ‘tide us over’?" His face split with a wide smile, "It’s about a two hour drive from here. Are you sure you got it all? Do I need to check?" She could tell by the glint in his eye that he was only teasing about checking her bags, which were now spewed across the table and two unoccupied chairs.
"No, I promise I got it all. Here’s your card back. I look like a glutton compared to your three bags!" He took the card and stuffed it back into his wallet.
"I didn’t need a whole new wardrobe, and an arsenal of beauty products." Neither did I, she thought. "We’ll go to the bank first thing Monday morning and get you added to the account so you can have your own card. We’ll also have to go to the DMV and Social Security office to get your name and address changed. I was thinking that we would make the Durango yours, since I have the truck."
She had to choke back tears again at his kindness, she hadn’t had to fight back tears this much since….no, she couldn’t let herself go down that path. If she did she would be inconsolable for hours and she wouldn’t be able to hide the truth of who she was from Brian, if he knew about all of her past that would be a deal breaker, she was sure of it. She focused on Brian and how incredibly generous he was, too generous. Someone like her didn’t deserve him.
"Well, unless you don’t like it, we can always look around for something more—" He must have noticed the look on her face, she tried to make it more relaxed and open when she cut him off.
"Oh, no, it’s not that, it’s just that…I…um, I can’t drive. I was never taught, I don’t have a license."
"Right, taxis and public transit, that didn’t even occur to me. I’ll teach you. You’ll need to know how to drive; the nearest taxi is about thirty miles away, no busses, and no subways. I suppose you could just ride Thunder everywhere." He smirked. "Thunder?"
"My horse, you’ll love him. Let’s grab something to eat before we hit the road."
"What do you like to do for fun?" They had gotten gas and drinks for the road, and were finally headed home, which, according to Brian was a small farm in the middle of nowhere. Perfect.
Fun, she didn’t do anything for fun. Everything she did was out of necessity. It was a reasonable question; she just didn’t have a reasonable answer.
"I don’t know." She answered meekly.
"Well, do you have any hobbies? Anything you’re good at and enjoy?" When he worded it that way, she could think of a few things that she enjoyed and always wished she could do.
"I like to sew; I’ve always wanted to try a big quilt. I like cooking, I’m not very good at it, just the basics, but I do like it. I used to read a lot when I was a kid. What about you, what do you do for fun?"
"I love being outside. Whether it’s fishing, hunting, riding Thunder, camping, hiking, working the fields, or even golfing I love being outside with God’s creation. The beauty in the constant changing of the seasons never ceases to amaze me." She was a little surprised to hear that he liked hunting; she didn’t take him for the outdoorsy, manly type. She’d been wrong about him before.
"So, you farm and you’re the town lawyer?"
"Sort of. After my dad’s first heart attack he started cash renting our land, we still own it, but someone else pays us to use it. My dad calls it lazy farming. We still make money from it, but we don’t have to do any of the work. After this last heart attack they decided to move to Maine to be closer to Julia and the grand kids. They were going to sell the farm if I didn’t want it, I couldn’t imagine anyone else owning it, my great grandfather started it. That’s too much history to just throw away. I love the farm, but I also love law, and helping people. I decided I’d keep lazy farming and open an office in town. Things aren’t exactly bustling for a small town lawyer, so a lot of the time I help the Erickson family out in the fields." A little more of her wall was breached when he spoke so lovingly and passionately about his family, his farm, and his job. This man truly loved everything about his life. He was faithful and loyal. That explained a lot about his insistence on working at their marriage. It was very telling of who he was.
"You rent to the Erickson’s then?"
"Yeah, about half of our land, the other half we rent to the Parks, I help them occasionally, but they hire help too. Todd Erickson and his wife, Anna are really good people. Todd has always been like a big brother to me, they’re a great couple, and their kids are amazing, they have ten, and she’s pregnant again." She felt her eyes go wide.
"Eleven kids? Why?" He shrugged,
"Because God gave them eleven kids, I suppose. The oldest six are adopted. They didn’t think they could have children, so they did foster care, and ended up adopting, during their last adoption Anna found out she was pregnant with twins." She couldn’t envisage having eleven kids. Is that what he expected, a whole houseful of kids? At this point, she didn’t know if she would or could ever give him children. He said he’d give her time, and that’s what she needed. Time to think and figure out what she needed, and what she was capable of giving him, if anything.
"They sound like great people."
"They are. We buy our eggs and meat from them."
"You don’t buy your groceries at the store?" She was suddenly filled with images of Little House on The Prairie style living. He wouldn’t expect her to put in a garden and bake bread, would he?
"Some of them, but other things are better straight from the source. We always had chickens and a few hogs and cattle to butcher growing up. When both Julia and I left home my parents stopped raising their own and started buying off of Todd and Anna, they really need the money, and I prefer the taste." He shrugged, so this was her new life. Farm fresh eggs and eating meat from animals that she’d probably get to meet first.
"How does that work? Every time you need more, you call?" He let out a small chuckle at her naivety.
"We let them know when we’re getting low, and how much we want, no less than a quarter of the animal, and when they take one to slaughter they let us know. We have a few deep freezers for storing the meat. We always have plenty."
"That’s interesting….so, tell me more about your family, do you just have one sister, then?" He nodded,
"Yes, they just had the two of us, they wanted a big family, but God had other plans. Julia
is two years younger than I am, she married her husband, Steven right out of high school, and they moved to Maine shortly after. They eloped too, my mom was livid; she’s going to hit the roof when she finds out about us doing the same thing." He laughed and shook his head, "Be warned; she’ll accuse us both, me more heavily, of taking away her only other chance at seeing one of her ‘babies’ get married." She swallowed hard, she hadn’t even thought about how his family and friends would play into this whole mess. She let out a deep breathe.
"Sorry to interrupt, I just thought about, um, well," she swallowed again "how, your, um, family and friends will play into all of this…will they be in on our secret, or will we just act like everything’s okay? See, another thing we didn’t think about!"
He put a hand up to stop her; "Just calm down, Aria, I did think about this. I’m going to leave it up to you, if you want them to know that we’re in a platonic relationship, that’s up to you. If you want to just let them think what they will, that’s your choice, too. I want you to be comfortable with every single step in our relationship, no matter how big or small. For the record, they’re our family now." A family. That’s something she never thought she’d have again, not that they would replace her own, they might not even like her, but she now had people to consider her family. Brian was her family now, at the very least. She was surprised how calm she felt at that realization.
"Um, okay, can I think about that, and get back to you on what I want people to think?" He nodded, and turned a bright smile on her, "of course you can."