He put down the paper and leaned back on his cot. The more he thought about it, the more La Follette’s words ate at him. America had begun the war truly neutral, continuing to trade with both the Allies and the Central Powers. As Germany gained an advantage in the land war, England took the advantage at sea. As a result of the British blockade, American ships could no longer reach German ports but continued to supply England. The U-boats had changed everything. By the time they appeared, America had staked a huge commercial interest in Germany losing the war.
Despite the economic gain, however, Glenn reminded himself that there were humanitarian reasons. The English blockade hadn’t sunk civilian ships. The German U-boats now did this regularly. Furthermore, there was no denying the atrocities of the German army throughout Europe.
Convinced again, Glenn felt better about the cause to which he had devoted his life.
In the days immediately following President Wilson’s declaration of war, it became clear that the troops at Fort Hamilton would be the first to sail for Europe. The war was now a gripping reality for Glenn.
His mind gathered up all the memories of the people and places he was leaving behind. Although this brought back memories with Dafne, in these honest moments, he realized he missed Elsa just as much.
Finally, he knew he was over Dafne. He had been hanging onto the pain; now he wanted to let it go. If Elsa could hold just as precious a place in his memory, then Dafne didn’t deserve the pedestal he had put her on. He missed the times they had shared, but it had been necessary to move past a comfortable life that couldn’t be sustained. It readied him for this.
He knew who he was now. Once his military commission was over, he would have learned how to work and how to be strong. This would give him the confidence to enter civilian life in a new capacity. Would Dafne have wanted to be with the man he was becoming? Even if his enlistment had caused their break, he could finally admit that it was worth the price. He was a better man for it.
But what about Elsa? Would he ever see her again? Her life was with Dafne—as it should be. But he knew she was the one person who might understand this transformation occurring in him.
He missed his conversations with her and their simple understandings. But most of all he missed her. He missed her voice, her mannerisms, even her scent just as he had missed those things in Dafne.
Before this, there had been no practical way to imagine keeping her in his life. But the war changed everything. The prospect of death shattered all norms. He desperately wanted to see Elsa again before he sailed.
* * * * *
“Who’s there?” Dafne shouted from upstairs.
“Just the postman” Elsa knew her voice quavered as she looked at the two envelopes in her hands.
One was from Dafne’s parents. The other was addressed to her.
She recognized the handwriting without needing to glance at the return address. It was from Glenn. She quickly tore it open and read.
Ever since reading about the war declaration in the papers her heart had reached out across the East River toward Glenn. She knew soon it would reach much farther, for her heart would travel with him to the war. She had dared to see him once. Much as she wanted to, she hadn’t expected to go again. Now, in this letter, he was asking her to come.
“Anything good?” Dafne asked, bounding down the stairs in a light summer dress and bonnet.
Elsa quickly stuffed Glenn’s note in her skirt pocket.
“A letter from your father, there on the side table.” Elsa could never tell a straight lie, but she had gotten more skilled with lies of omission than she liked.
“I’ll read it later,” Dafne said. “Probably a tedious reminder about finances. Are you ready?”
They left the apartment together and took a cab to midtown. Elsa’s fingers kept returning to her pocket and resting on the secret note she had received.
She had always assumed that if she were lucky—or unlucky—enough to fall in love, she wouldn’t know how to recognize the feeling. In all the plans she had made for her life, love wasn’t a circumstance she expected to have to worry about.
She was wrong.
Glenn’s note sent her heart into a whirlwind of emotion that she immediately understood. She was in love. Nobody had to teach her how it felt or explain this new sensation that sent tingles through every inch of her body.
She followed Dafne into one shop after another, her mind far away.
“How’s this one?” Dafne held up a pink blouse as the store attendant stood by. Elsa thought Dafne looked better in dresses than separates but didn’t feel like explaining her opinion.
“It looks lovely.”
How long had she been falling? She had never allowed herself to think of Glenn this way before. His note had unleashed a flood of feeling that she’d held back for a long time. Now that it was released, her passion was immediate and irrevocable.
In a little over a week he would be on a ship bound for France—through the terrible graveyard the German U-boats promised to turn the Atlantic into. Early to enlist, he would be among the first fleets to sail, even as most American boys were still waiting to hear whether their numbers were called in the draft.
“Come over here, Elsa,” Dafne called from behind a wall of dresses. Then to the attendant, “It’s a bit dreary for summer, don’t you think?”
He must have known she always checked the mail for Dafne. Still it was risky to send her a note at the apartment. What would Dafne have thought if she’d seen it? What if there had been no second letter today?
How would she manage to get away again to go see him? The first time had been difficult enough. If she told Dafne, what would she say? It didn’t matter what Dafne thought because she had to go. More than that, Elsa wanted to go.
Intellectually, she thought she should be sad to be in love. Even if Glenn’s note seemed to imply that he had been thinking about her too, there was no hope for such a love. But she didn’t feel sad. It was a grand sensation. She savored it. The joy of love didn’t necessarily require hope. The hopes of her life had been for other things, and all those had been rewarded. She wouldn’t risk her present situation—for which she had worked so hard—only because she loved a man beyond her station. Still, she enjoyed her love. She repeatedly remembered the two times she had been in physical contact with him—dancing on their last night in Lindenhurst, and in February when he gallantly offered her his arm. Beyond those times, she would content herself with being held by Glenn in her dreams.
“Do you think Hal will like this?”
“I’m sure he will adore you in it.”
This morning’s note was the spark that allowed Elsa to admit something that had been happening in her heart for a long time. Had Glenn not been constantly on her mind since the night of Dafne’s affair, when she feared she would never see him again? Was that the first sign, or had it started even earlier? Perhaps that was the time when she failed to understand the sensation of love. All those years she thought she was in love with the togetherness of Glenn and Dafne, and the happy life that relationship created for her. Maybe she had been falling in love with Glenn himself all that time.
Her mother had warned her many times against feelings like these. Just because he wanted to see her didn’t mean he loved her. She wasn’t a woman like Dafne—who drew men’s passions. She was a plain and simple girl. A man in Glenn’s position could easily get another beauty once he returned from the war.
Dafne made her purchases. Usually Elsa would have given better advice. As the box crossed the counter she worried that Dafne had bought something awful. She hadn’t been paying attention and had no idea what was in the box. Elsa didn’t know much about fashion, but she knew what looked good on Dafne. Her mistress had grown to rely on her eye.
They left the shop into the summer heat. Many of Dafne’s friends had already left the sweltering city for the summer, but Dafne was afraid if she locked up her apartment for the summer her father wouldn’t renew
the lease. Everyone was cutting back in anticipation of the war.
As they walked, Elsa wondered whether Dafne once felt this way about Glenn. Did she now feel this way about Mr. Halifax? Elsa doubted it. Both times Dafne had leaped into the relationship with little thought. She knew Dafne well enough to understand that she dated for the way it made her feel more than for the particular man.
Elsa had long felt that Dafne showed her more affection than the men in her life. It was one of the things that kept Elsa so loyal to Dafne, though it also confused her. She hadn’t been out in the world enough to comprehend the levels of affection some women had for each other. She knew no better than to wonder at that strange night when Dafne made her undress her with a look of invitation in her eyes.
“Do you feel okay, dear?” Dafne asked, slowing her stride.
“Yes. Quite.”
“You seem distracted. You sure you’re all right?”
Elsa panicked. Could Dafne already know how she felt about Glenn? She had never been able to hide anything from Dafne. How could she possibly hide this?
“You’re right,” she said. “I’m not quite myself today. It must be the heat.”
“Do try to get some rest this evening. I’m going to a dance with Hal. You shouldn’t stay up late cleaning a clean apartment like you always do.”
Elsa laughed. She was indeed a compulsive cleaner.
“Hal can be tedious to dance with, but he always wants to go. Glenn was a much better dancer.”
Elsa was afraid to comment.
“I wonder if anybody will even be there. Everybody’s left town. Thelma left this week.”
She clutched Elsa’s arm and smiled. “Well, once he gets a couple of drinks in me I’ll enjoy myself. Let’s get a block of ice and go home to rest.”
A few days were enough to solidify Elsa’s courage. She told Dafne of her intention to see Glenn before he sailed. Dafne wasn’t surprised, nor did she begrudge Elsa for going. Her attitude made Elsa wonder whether her mistress had known her feelings even longer than she’d known them herself.
She was more afraid that Glenn would see the feelings she had for him. How could she hide it—especially now, as he walked toward the jaws of death? Yet even if he did see, it wouldn’t be so bad now. Perhaps it would comfort him in the gruesome battles ahead.
Glenn wasn’t in the barracks when she arrived at Fort Hamilton. She sat in the gate-chamber for two hours while he finished his drills.
Finally, he entered the room, freshly showered, in his light-green shirtsleeves and dark fatigues. Was it her love, or had he really become more handsome over the last year? His frame had grown strong and lean. His face looked older in the best ways possible. Most of all he looked alive to her. He seemed healed from the pain she’d seen in him in February. She hoped it wasn’t only in preparation for a new kind of pain.
She stood and smiled at him. Her heart was aflutter.
He led her outside to a bench in the courtyard. It had been oppressively hot when she boarded the train in Manhattan, but here, closer to the beach, there was a pleasant breeze.
She sat and turned her shoulders toward him. “Are you ready?”
“I feel ready. But how could I possibly be ready for this?” His eyes dropped. “Why does my resolve betray me now just when I need it most?”
She tried to see his eyes in his lowered face, not understanding what he meant.
“The closer it gets, the more confused I grow,” he said. “When I joined the army, I was happy because I needed work and purpose. But now that I’m about to enter a real and terrible war, I want to understand it and believe in it, yet I can’t.” He looked back at her. “Can you see me killing men?”
She shook her head. She didn’t want to think of him killing.
“That’s what I have been trained to do—kill, repeatedly and efficiently. I want to believe I will be fighting against evil. But I’ll just be a weapon in the hands of the men who command me. I have no more will of my own. It’s not my job to understand why. But I cannot stop myself from asking.”
“I am glad the army has not reduced your ability to think for yourself.”
He said nothing for a few minutes. Elsa was content with the silence.
“How do you feel about this war?” he asked at length. “You are German. I imagine that influences your feelings.”
She was glad he asked. There had been times in the buildup to this war when she wondered whether he had forgotten her nationality. She knew Dafne had forgotten.
“I am an American now,” she said. “As much as you or anyone. But I do hurt for my old country. I do not think I could ever believe in a war. Every war flaunts idealism as a way to disguise ambition and distract from the suffering. Those who suffer the most are the ones whose only fault is to be born near the battle line.”
Elsa did feel for her people back in Germany. She only vaguely remembered any of her family there. The newspapers were full of the wrongs done by the Germans, but she knew the German people suffered, too.
Would those anti-German sentiments affect her and other Germans here in America? She had worked hard to forge a good life for herself, but that seemed very precarious now. What persecutions lay in wait for her people here? She was beginning to wish she had taken Mr. Graham’s advice and changed her name. At least her last name was seldom used in her position. Not so her sister’s family—the Steigenhöffers.
“I am sorry,” Elsa wondered how much of her thoughts were visible on her face. “I would not plant doubts in your mind simply because I fail to understand politics. All I really care about in this war now is for you to come home safely.”
“You understand politics better than you think. I do believe in our cause. But I fear how the war may change our own men. I’m determined not to let it change me.”
It horrified Elsa to think of Glenn being a part of this war—fighting against her countrymen. War affected people. Few good men could go to a war like this and come back unchanged. Despite his determination, she feared what might become of Glenn. She would be praying daily for his safety—in mind as much as in body.
They both fell silent. Elsa worked her lower lip between her teeth. Her sweaty fingers wove in and out of one another in her lap.
“I will miss you, Mr. Streppy,” she said. “I have missed you.” She immediately regretted saying it so boldly.
“Really?” he looked eagerly at her.
“I have missed having you around,” she tried to backtrack. “We all used to have so much fun together. It will feel so much more extreme once you are on the other side of the world.” She knew her face was flushed. She hoped Glenn would credit it to the hot afternoon.
“Oh, Elsa!” He turned his face away from her. She saw that he was flushed, too. “I probably wouldn’t say this to you if I weren’t going away . . .”
Elsa’s heartbeat quickened.
“I realized after you visited me in February . . . I have hardly been missing Dafne at all. I have been missing you. The worst thing I lost in losing Dafne was losing my friendship with you.”
What could she say?
He looked back at her and opened his mouth to say something more. She waited eagerly, but no more words came. The moment passed.
“You have been a good friend to me,” she said. “I hope to continue to be a friend to you.” She hated her emphasis on friendship, but it was best . . . for both of them.
A voice called from the bunkers. “Captain Streppy, will you be long?”
“Give me a few minutes, Major.”
He turned back to Elsa.
She smiled. “Captain Streppy now!”
“I was promoted the day after we declared war. They’re desperate for officers to lead all the poor boys who are being drafted now.”
They fell silent. The moment of intimacy had passed and couldn’t be recovered.
“I will write to you from Europe.”
“Really? That will make me glad. Let me know how I can write to you as well
. You will need a reminder that someone is thinking of you back home.”
“Will you really be thinking of me?”
“I will. I will pray for you every day.”
“You don’t know how happy it makes me to know that.”
Tears dripped from Elsa’s eyes. “Please be careful. I cannot bear to think of any harm coming to you.”
They sat turned toward each other on the bench. Both resisted the magnetism that worked to pull their bodies together.
In an instant, his arms were around her and their cheeks were pressed together. Her hands held tightly to the back of his shoulders from under his arms while his strong arms locked behind her back. Elsa closed her eyes, lost in the warmth of his embrace. Neither moved. For those fleeting moments, she was content.
She sighed when he pulled away. They both stood.
“I should go,” said Elsa.
“Thank you for coming.”
“When do you sail?”
“Tomorrow.”
She wiped the tears from her eyes. “God bless you . . . Glenn.” She had never used his first name before. She had wanted to for a long time. “Come home safely. I will be waiting for you.”
“Good-bye, Elsa.”
He took and squeezed her hand. As he started away their fingers stretched and held for a last perilous second. He turned, and hurried away to meet his superior officer.
Part IV
September, 1917
Chapter Nineteen
The Face of Suffering
“Don’t cry, Dafne. Please.”
”Don’t tell me not to cry. I have to.” She scrunched both of Hal’s coat lapels in her hands and buried her wet eyes in his tie.
“I always thought Glenn was silly for joining the army. You weren’t so stupid, but it doesn’t make any difference.” She lifted her eyes. “How can they take you, too?”
Love of Finished Years Page 18