The Last Gift
A Novel
Abdulrazak Gurnah
Contents
One Day
Moving
Flight
The Return
Rites
A Note on the Author
By the Same Author
One Day
1
One day, long before the troubles, he slipped away without saying a word to anyone and never went back. And then another day, forty-three years later, he collapsed just inside the front door of his house in a small English town. It was late in the day when it happened, returning home after work, but it was also late in the day altogether. He had left things for too long and there was no one to blame but himself.
He felt it coming, the collapse. Not with the dread of ruin that had idled by him for as long as he could remember, but with a feeling that something deliberate and muscular was steadily bearing down on him. It was not a strike out of nowhere, more like the beast had slowly turned its head towards him, recognised him and then reached out to smother him. His thoughts were clear as the weakness drained his body, and in that clarity he thought, absurdly, that this must be what it felt like to starve or freeze to death or to have a stone crush the breath out of your body. The comparison made him wince despite his anxiety: see what melodrama tiredness can induce?
He was weary when he left work, with that kind of weariness that sometimes descended on him inexplicably at the end of the day, more so in recent years than before, and which made him wish he could sit down and do nothing until the exhaustion had passed away, or until strong arms came to pick him up and take him home. He was old now, getting old, to say the least. The wish was like a memory, as if he remembered someone doing just that a long time ago – picking him up and taking him home. But he did not think it was a memory. The older he became, the more childlike his wishes at times. The longer he lived, the nearer his childhood drew to him, and it seemed less and less like a distant fantasy of someone else’s life.
On the bus, he tried to work out the cause of his fatigue. He still did that after all these years, tried to make sense of things, looked for explanations that would diminish the fear of what life allowed to happen. At the end of each day he retraced his steps until he found the right combination of mishaps that had left him so feeble at the close of it, as if such knowing (if it was knowing) really alleviated his distress. Ageing, that was what it could be for a start, wear and tear, irreplaceable worn-out parts. Or hurrying to work in the morning when no one cared or was troubled if he was a few minutes late, and when sometimes the effort and the anxiety left him breathless and aching with heartburn for the rest of the day. Or a bad cup of tea he had made himself in the staff kitchen that had made his gut bubble with incipient diarrhoea. They left the milk out in a jug all day, uncovered, gathering dust and breathing in the corruption they brought to it in their comings and goings. He should know better than to touch that milk but he cannot resist the lure of a sip of tea. Or simply he had expended too much inexpert exertion, lifting and shoving things he should have left well alone. Or it could be heartache. He could never tell when that would come, or where from or for how long.
But as he sat on the bus, he knew that something unusual was happening to him, a gathering helplessness that made him whimper involuntarily, the flesh on his body heating and shrinking and an unfamiliar emptiness taking its place. It happened unhurriedly: his breathing changed, he trembled, sweated, and saw himself curled up into that familiar slump of human abandonment, the body expecting pain, dissolving. He watched himself beside himself, a little panicked by the sly, irresistible dissolution of his rib cage and his hip joints and his spine, as if body and mind were separating themselves from each other. He felt a sharp stab in his bladder and became aware that his breathing was rapid, panicky. What are you doing? Having a seizure? Enough hysterics, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, he told himself.
He stepped off the bus into the February air, a day of sudden cold, shivering and weak, breathing deeply as he had instructed himself. He was not dressed for it. Other people around him were wearing heavy woollen coats and gloves and scarves, as if they knew from practice and familiarity how cold it really was, which he, despite many years of living here, did not. Or maybe, unlike him, they listened to weather reports on the TV and radio, and then were only too happy to fetch the heavy garments they kept in their wardrobes for just such purposes. He was wearing the coat he wore for most months of the year, enough to keep off the rain and the chill, but not too warm when the weather was mild. He had never been able to make himself pile up clothes and shoes in a cupboard for different occasions and seasons. It was a habit of frugality he no longer needed to practise but had never been able to break. He liked wearing out the clothes he was comfortable in, and liked to think that if he saw himself approaching he would recognise himself from the clothes he wore. On that cold February evening he was paying for his abstemiousness, or tight-fistedness, or asceticism, whichever it was. It was his restlessness perhaps, the habit of mind of a stranger unreconciled to his surroundings, dressing light so he could throw the coat off quickly when the time came to move on. That was what he thought it was, the cold. He was improperly dressed, for his own stupid reasons, and the cold was making him tremble out of control, with an inner trembling that made him feel that the timbers of his body were about to give way. Standing at the bus stop, at a loss about what to do, he heard himself groan, and understood that he was beginning to lose track of events, as if he had dozed for a moment and woken up again. When he forced himself to move, his arms and legs were boneless, and he breathed in short, heavy sighs. His feet were leaden and numb, opening up into stinging cracks of frozen flesh. Perhaps he should sit down and wait for the spasm to pass. But no, he would have to sit on the pavement and would be taken for a derelict, and he may never be able to get up again. He forced himself to move on, taking one laborious step after another. It was now important to get home before he ran out of strength, before he fell down in this wilderness where his body would be torn to pieces and scattered. The walk from the bus stop to his home usually took him seven minutes, five hundred steps or thereabouts. He counted sometimes, to drown out the racket in his head. But on that evening it must have taken longer. It felt as if it was taking longer. He was not even sure if his strength would last. He thought he passed people, and at times he staggered and had to lean against a wall for a few minutes or seconds. It was no longer possible to tell. His teeth were chattering and he was sweating heavily by the time he reached the door and, after opening it, he sat down in the hallway, allowing the heat and the nausea to overwhelm him. He could not remember anything for a while.
His name was Abbas and, although he was not aware of it, his entrance had been noisy. His wife Maryam heard him fumbling with the keys and then heard him bang the door shut, when usually he slipped in quietly. Sometimes Maryam was not even aware that he was home until he stood before her, smiling because he had caught her out again. It was one of his jokes, making her jump, as she always did, because she had not heard him come in. That evening, Maryam started from the noise of the keys in the door and felt a moment of quite ordinary pleasure at his arrival, and then the door banged and she heard him groan. When she went out to the hallway, she saw him sitting on the floor just inside the door, his legs open in front of him. His face was wet with sweat, he was panting for breath and his eyes were opening and shutting in confusion.
Maryam knelt beside him, saying his name, ‘Oh no, Abbas, Abbas, what is it? Oh no.’ She took his hot wet hand in hers. His eyes closed as soon as she touched him. His mouth was open as he struggled for breath, and she saw that the insides of his trousers legs were wet. ‘I’ll call an ambulance,’ she said. She felt his hand
tighten slightly on hers, and then after a moment he said, groaning, No. Then in a whisper he said, Let me rest. She sat back on her heels and waited beside him, alarmed by his helplessness and unsure what to do. His body heaved in a spasm of pain or nausea, and she said his name again, tightening her hold on his hand. Then after a short while she began to feel his agitation subsiding. ‘What have you done?’ she asked softly, murmuring to herself, murmuring to him. ‘What have you done to yourself?’
When she sensed that he was trying to rise to his feet, she put his arm over her shoulder and helped him struggle up the stairs. Before they reached the bedroom he was trembling again, and Maryam took his weight and forced him over the remaining few steps to the bed. She undressed him hurriedly, wiped him where he had soiled himself, and covered him. She did not think why it was necessary to undress him and clean him first before covering him. Perhaps it was just an instinct about the dignity of the body, a superfluous courtesy she had not reflected upon. Then she lay beside him on top of the covers while he shook and groaned, sobbing loudly and saying, No, No over and over again. When the trembling stopped, and Abbas was no longer sobbing, and even seemed to be falling asleep, Maryam went back downstairs and called the surgery’s emergency number. The doctor appeared within minutes of her call, which she did not expect at all. The doctor was a young woman Maryam had not seen at the surgery before. She hurried in, smiling and friendly, as if nothing exceptionally frightening was happening. She followed Maryam upstairs, glanced towards Abbas and then looked around for a place to put down her bag. Her every movement was considered and seemed to be telling Maryam not to panic, and she did feel herself growing calmer now that the doctor was here. The doctor examined Abbas, took his pulse, listened to his breathing with her stethoscope, checked his blood pressure, shone a light in his eyes, took a urine sample and put a litmus paper in it. Then she asked him questions about what had happened, repeating her questions several times until he gave satisfactory replies. Her voice and manner were courteous and solicitous rather than concerned, and she even found time to share a smile with Maryam as they discussed what needed to be done next, her teeth dazzling white and her dark-blonde hair glowing in the bedroom light. How do they teach them to do that? Maryam wondered. How do they teach them to handle wounded bodies with such calm assurance? As if she was dealing with a broken radio.
The doctor called an ambulance, and at the hospital they told Maryam that Abbas had suffered a diabetic crisis, short of a coma but serious enough. They told him it was late-onset diabetes, which happens to people as they grow older. Normally it was treatable, but because he did not know he had it and had not received any treatment, he had developed a crisis. It was too early yet to tell in full what damage that might have caused. Was there diabetes in his family? His parents, his uncles or aunts? Abbas said he did not know. When the specialist physician examined him the next day, he said that the diabetes was not life-threatening but that, judging from his motor responses, he had probably suffered some brain damage. There was no need for alarm. He might regain some of the lost functions or he might not. Time would tell. He had also suffered a mild stroke. Regular checks would clarify his condition and treatment, but in the meantime he would remain under observation in hospital for another day and if there were no further events, he could go home. He was issued a long list of prohibitions, was put on medication and instructed to take sick leave from work. He was then sixty-three years old, although that was not all there was to it.
Maryam rang their children Hanna and Jamal. She told them about what had happened, going round and round with her reassurances to keep them from hurrying home. If there are no further events he will be home tomorrow, she told them. ‘What do you mean events?’ Hanna asked. ‘That’s what the doctor said, if there are no further events,’ Maryam replied. She was taking her cue from the hospital staff, who seemed to want to keep everything calm, so perhaps that was best for Abbas, and having Hanna and Jamal rushing home would only excite him unnecessarily. She worked in a hospital herself, and knew that people sometimes made too much fuss about their sick relatives. ‘They are treating him now. They say he is stable. No, there’s no need to rush down. He’s not going anywhere. Of course you can come and see him any time, but there’s no need to rush. Come when you want. He’s all right now. They’re treating him. No, he will not need to inject every day, Jamal. He does so at the moment, but not for much longer. He will take medicine and follow a diet and there will be various things I have to check regularly. Like what? Oh, cuts and grazes on his feet, blood sugar, and other things. They’ll teach me all about it. He’ll be all right. It’ll take him a little while to be strong again. Don’t worry, he’ll be all right. Yes yes, come and see him soon.’
The illness left Abbas exhausted. Even small efforts made him shake and sweat, and made him whimper with frustration. He could not even sit up without help. He was always hungry but food made him queasy. His saliva tasted poisonous and his mouth smelled like a drain. When he forced himself to swallow food, he gagged and retched. A nurse from the hospital diabetes team came to visit and explained to him (and to Maryam) how he needed to look after himself. She laid down the law and gave them pamphlets and advice, before grumbling her way out again. He was even more exhausted after she left. After several days he still could not walk the few steps to the bathroom without help, and when she left the house, Maryam had to bring him a plastic bucket and put it beside the bed in case of an emergency. He had to use it once, and he sat on that bucket like a baby, groaning and moaning as his body spluttered and squirted, shaming him after a lifetime of waste and lies. Then when he was finished, he could not clean himself properly, could not wash himself as he usually did. He had never got used to cleaning himself with paper, still felt soiled afterwards, and now he had to get back into bed feeling as if his bum was scaled with dried waste. Sometimes he drifted away, into sleep or away from his moorings, into those deep silent places that he could not help returning to, that he hated returning to. Even in his daze he knew that he had left things for too long, as he had known for so many years. There was so much he should have said, but he had allowed the silence to set until it became immovable. There were times when he thought he was already gone, that he was out of reach, hanging on to a thin rope that was unwinding from a spool while he slowly dissolved. But he was not gone and he came awake again, and he remembered that dream he had had at times when he worked at sea, of hanging on to a piece of rope as his body dissolved in a rush of water.
When he started to get better, he became easily irritable, especially with his own feebleness, but it came out in the ill-tempered words he spoke to Maryam. The words hurt her but he could not help himself. Sometimes he could not bear it when she came into the room, chattering to him, fussing around in the wardrobe or in her bedside table, looking for what, putting her palm on his forehead, lifting him up to swap his pillows, bringing him the radio from the kitchen. Leave me alone. Stop fussing. Sometimes he could not bear for her not to be there, for her to be somewhere else while tears of self-pity and self-loathing slid down his face. I cannot bear this. I cannot bear this any more. He was the sinful traveller fallen ill in a strange land, after a life as useless as a life could be. Talking hurt him, it gave him a pain in the chest, and he was too weary to explain. His words did not make sense, he could see that in the incomprehension in her face. He could not make himself say the words so that they would make sense. He wanted to be left alone, but when he tried to tell Maryam that, he only uttered spluttering abuse and could not stop himself from weeping.
But he was getting stronger. He could go downstairs on his own, and return upstairs when he needed to, although that took him longer. He was able to keep the food down and was getting used to the new diet, which he did not find that arduous, except for the loss of salt and sugar. He would be able to look after himself, he told her. It was time for her to go back to work. He was not an invalid, just a little weak. So long as he took his time, he would be fine. It was a r
elief when she returned to work after three weeks, even though it left him the long silent day to himself. He tried to read but his concentration was poor, and the effort of holding up a book was tiring. He was getting stronger, and when he was well enough, he would speak to Maryam about all the things he had kept from her.
Maryam did work in a hospital but not doing anything glorious or life-saving. She worked in the staff and visitors’ canteen, and she knew that if she stayed away any longer she would lose her job. The canteen manager had told her so on the phone, kindly, when she rang to ask for another two weeks off work. Oh come on, she was not expecting to be paid, just two more weeks to be sure that Abbas could really look after himself, but the manager said no, sorry but they were short-staffed. Maryam had been working there for a long time, as had the canteen manager, but times were hard and jobs were not plentiful. Neither the canteen manager nor she were going anywhere. It was not as if Maryam was qualified to do anything else. She had been working in the hospital for twenty years: first as a cleaner until the children came, when they decided she should stay at home to look after them, then when they were old enough, she found a job in the hospital canteen. She often thought that she should do something else, something more challenging that would make her feel better about herself and very likely pay her better, but she never even got round to looking. When she mentioned the thought to Abbas, he nodded or made agreeing noises but he did not encourage her. She had no idea what that other challenging work might be, and perhaps neither had he. This was the kind of work she had always done, and she knew many people at the hospital. People came and went, but a small group of them had been there for a long time. She did not want to lose her job, not at this time with Abbas as he was. It was not as if she could say to the canteen manager, stuff your miserable job, I hate it anyway, I’ll go find myself another one in a bank. There was nothing else she could do. And also she had become used to the way the job filled her life. That was how she was all her life, always settling for less, always doing what was best, and it was too late now to start being awkward and taking risks. She never had that kind of strength.
The Last Gift Page 1