by Kim Oclon
“I don’t think everything is fine. But I did feel like things are better now than they were when I first moved here,” Tyler said calmly and quietly.
“Is that because of fucking SAFE?” My voice actually rose as I thought about the naïve secretary who thought all of my problems would go away if I joined the other gays in their gay club.
“Hey, this is a library.” A voice came from between the encyclopedia shelves.
I felt like I was holding my face over a burner. Anger mixed with embarrassment. I looked in the direction of the voice and saw the student worker with the skinny jeans and short hair organizing the magazine rack. We made eye contact for a split second before I looked away.
“Keep it down, will you? People are trying to talk over there.” She gestured to the tables where a bunch of people sat and walked off. I heard the smile in her voice but that didn’t make the heat subside.
“Just because you call it ‘safe,’ doesn’t mean it is,” I whispered to Tyler as loudly as I could.
Instead of touching my hand, Tyler traced the outline with the tip of a pen. “Where do you feel unsafe?”
A montage of moments flickered in my memory: Kevin’s love for the word “fag” and all its forms. The football meatheads saying “no homo” as they patted each other’s asses, assuring one another the gesture was purely platonic, and miming anal sex to those who didn’t say it fast enough. The two girls who wanted to go to the Homecoming dance together last year and were sold two single tickets instead of a double. Students during the debate in Mr. Ritter’s class insisting that there was something wrong with people who felt the same way as I did.
Mike telling me he’d rather not know.
“Kids at other schools have it way worse,” Tyler pointed out. “I’m not saying that to make you feel better or that what you’re saying isn’t true. Sometimes it just sucks.”
“Here, it’s like this unspoken thing, but it’s there.”
“Sometimes you think you’re safe some place and you find out you’re not the hard way.” Tyler stood and ran a hand across the encyclopedia bindings as if they were piano keys. “A lot of teachers don’t stop the students from saying a homework assignment is gay. Sometimes they say it too.” He wiped dust on his jeans. “But not Ms. Larson. She actually tells kids to find another word to use.”
“I had her for biology my freshmen year. We need more people like her.” The anger in my throat was starting to subside and now I just felt tired. Had I really talked to Coach only a couple hours ago?
While stacking his textbook, notebooks, and binder, Tyler brushed his hand over my clenched fists. “We just need each other.”
Going to the weight room was the last thing I wanted to do after school. Well, going home was also near the bottom of my list. I didn’t want to see my parents yet. But Mike was expecting to see me there and right now, my short-term plan was to pretend that I never had that meeting with Coach, which was probably his strategy as well. Talking to Tyler and just being with him made me feel better but that didn’t mean I knew what was going to happen next or if I even wanted to know.
The door to the weight room felt extra heavy and I needed to give it a hard yank because it got caught on the corner of a mat. The room smelled like the door hadn’t been opened in a year and the stale stench immediately made me feel like I was going to throw up. Mike appeared to be oblivious to the odor as he slid weights on the bar for the bench press. “I was thinking we should add some weight. What do you say?” he asked.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I said, lying back on the bench.
“Give it a try.” Mike gripped the bar, ready to help me guide it out.
I immediately felt the added weight. As I slowly lowered the bar, the heaviness spread from my biceps to my shoulders and chest.
CHAPTER 5
TYLER
I hadn’t felt like every whisper in the hallway was about me in a long time. When I first moved here it was ridiculous. It was like some of these people thought gay people only existed on TV.
“Did you hear?”
“Fag alert.”
“I change in the bathroom during PE now.”
“I would too.”
I knew I wasn’t the first openly gay student to walk the halls of Lincoln High. And there was Adam, SAFE’s president. He came out a little before I did. The worst was when we were walking down the hall together.
“Are they going out?”
“Probably. They’re both gay.”
“Homo squared.”
“If one of them hits on me, I swear…”
The hallway was nearly empty as I scanned the contents of my locker, looking for my copy of The Grapes of Wrath. When I found the book and saw the cover with an old jalopy puttering down a dusty road, the memory of a run at dusk on a limestone path crashed into my head and then hit me between my shoulder blades. It began to throb at the memory of feet slapping on the path in an uneven rhythm and the sound of villainous laughter assailed my ears. I slammed my locker and stood up in one motion.
The noise shook the memory out of my head but must have triggered something inside of me. My feet carried me to room 1335 as if it was something I did every day after school instead of regularly during my sophomore and junior year.
The way I marched right up to the door made me think I would have simply gone right in but instead, I peeked through the narrow vertical window at the side of the door. A smile filled my chest at the familiar sight of a small group of students pulling desks into a lopsided circle. They always added too many so some had to be taken away. Adam, dressed in his uniform of a collared shirt and sweater vest, stood at the board, writing an agenda. Each item was written in a different color, as was tradition. It was business as usual and the group carried on regardless of how many people were present or whatever was going on outside this classroom’s walls.
Ms. Larson stood at the opposite side of the room cleaning up from the day’s science experiment, putting away beakers and Bunsen burners. When she turned to grab a stack of rulers, her eyes meandered to the door and she did a double take before waving me into the room with an excited smile. I took a step back and waved my hands in front of me, hoping to convey, “I’m not sure.” I guess I just wanted to see room 1335 and the people in it, not actually go inside.
But Ms. Larson didn’t appear to understand my message. Her wheat colored ponytail bounced from shoulder to shoulder as she walked toward me. “Hey guys, look who’s here.” Ms. Larson opened the door but I waved at the small group from the hallway.
“Tyler! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Anna, a junior who wore something rainbow inspired every day, leapt off a desk she was sitting on and threw her arms around me as if I was a long-lost sister.
“Hi,” I said, stiffening in Anna’s overzealous embrace.
“Look what I made for everyone.” She held up her arm, proudly displaying a black wristband with a rainbow knitted into it. I noticed her shoes also had rainbow laces. Because of her affinity for all of the colors, many students at Lincoln constantly asked Anna if she was a dyke. Anna usually responded by either saying, “You wish,” if a girl asked or “Sometimes I wish I was,” if a guy did.
“Nice job.” I smiled. It was hard to stay upset around her.
“I would have brought more if I knew you were coming but you haven’t been to a meeting in forever.” Anna walked back to the desk she was sitting on and hopped on it.
I took a tentative step over the classroom’s threshold, like walking through the door was committing to something, and I wasn’t even sure what I was doing there. I didn’t recognize the other students in the room. A small boy with a swoosh of dark hair in his eyes, two girls, one little and blonde, the other tall and dark, and the girl from the library.
Adam turned from the whiteboard, leaving the final agenda item unfinished so that it read “Gay pro.”
Anna laughed. “Are you a professional gay, Adam?”
“I’ve been practicing
for a while now.” Adam scrawled an orange “m.” He turned back to me. “Hey,” he said. His eyes looked welcoming, but I could tell there was a question lingering in them. Adam had asked me a couple times why I stopped coming to SAFE meetings and I just blew him off, saying that I was busy training or something like that when I actually wanted to spend any minute outside of school with David, but I couldn’t tell Adam that. I doubt he would have told anyone if I did, but still.
“Oh, ‘gay prom’.” Anna exaggerated the “m” sound. “Now, I get it. Is Lake Park hosting one again this year? We need to go because my mom wouldn’t let me go last year.” She looked at Mrs. Larson.
“I got an email from their GSA sponsor and I’ll share all the details when we get there.” Ms. Larson wheeled her desk chair into a vacant spot in the circle. “Let’s start with introductions so everyone knows who everyone is.”
“Good idea. Tyler doesn’t know everyone and they might not know him,” Anna said. “I’ll start. I’m Anna and I’m a junior.” She pointed both index fingers to the boy next to her.
“Uh, hi. I’m Will and I’m a freshman.” He paused and tossed his head so that the hair on his forehead revealed his eyes for less than a second. “Do I have to say anything else?”
“If you want to,” Ms. Larson said.
“I’m good.” Will settled back into his chair.
“I’m Stacey and I’m a junior,” said the blonde girl.
“I’m Monika and I’m a junior too,” said the one next to her.
“Allie. Senior.” The girl with short hair waved with a small flick of her wrist. “Library ID scanner.”
“A senior?” I asked. “I’ve never seen you around before this year.”
“Yeah, I moved here at the beginning of the year.”
Anna leaned forward. “At Allie’s old school, the GSA had like twenty members and they held an event once a month during lunch hours to talk to people about LGBT issues. Isn’t that awesome?”
“Pretty awesome,” I nodded, trying to imagine how a LGBT panel would be received at Lincoln. I pictured Anna behind a table with all of her rainbow creations, a smile on her face like a little kid who started her first lemonade stand. And then Kevin Kaminski invaded, leading a pack of students and calling Anna a dyke before ripping down the rainbow SAFE sign that hung in front of the table.
“And you all know me. I’m Adam and I’m a senior.” Adam turned to read the agenda he’d written on the board. “Well, the Day of Silence is coming up in a couple months and we need to plan how we are going to get the word out this year and encourage people to participate. Plus, we need to plan something better for ‘breaking the silence.’ Allie was saying that her old school had a pizza party afterwards.”
“Add Tyler to the agenda so we make sure to have time for him to tell us why he’s here.” Anna smiled at me. “You’ve been gone all year so something major must be going on.”
I knew this was common practice at SAFE meetings and not Anna being nosy, which she was sometimes. If someone had something they wanted to share, their name would be added to the agenda. Sometimes Anna would bring up the hate speech she heard the football coach telling the players. Or, when he first came out to his parents, Adam shared how they kept asking him if he was sure.
With a shrug, Adam wrote my name on the board with a purple marker. “Okay, about the Day of Silence. Do we have the cards from last year that we had students show their teachers?”
Ms. Larson nodded. “I have the files from last year. I’ll make sure to print out copies in time.”
I tuned out the other points of discussion regarding the Day of Silence, remembering how I participated my sophomore year. I was out and everyone knew it, but all I accomplished was giving this idiot from my Geometry class a reason to jump in front of me at any given chance, wave his arms in a bad impersonation of a ghost and howl, “Oooo, look at me. I’m a fag and I can’t talk. Oooo.”
But there were some who asked why people weren’t talking and when they glanced at the card that explained the cause, they smiled, said, “Cool.” A couple even said they were going to participate next year.
“Okay Tyler, you have the floor.” Anna interrupted my thoughts.
“No, that’s okay.” I waved my hands in front of me like I didn’t want a ball thrown at me. “I just thought I’d come by to see how everyone was doing. I have track late today since the wrestling team had a couple guys advance to State and they need the space to practice.”
“So you’re just killing time with us?” Anna bit her lip and wiped a fake tear from her eye.
“No. I wanted to…uh,” I searched for the right words. “I just wanted to make sure you guys were still here.”
Adam looked confused. “Of course we’re still here.” He began erasing the board in lopsided swipes so little specks of marker remained. “Same time, same place.”
“I know.” I curled my toes inside my shoes, imagining David’s foot touching mine, just like we did in the library. “It’s just that something happened today and I needed to remind myself that SAFE existed. I needed to know that some people in this school are different and not everyone sucks.”
“If you’re looking for different, I’d say you came to the right place,” Ms. Larson laughed.
“What happened today?” Will asked, swooshing his hair off his eyes with a toss of his head.
Monika put a hand on Will’s desk and looked at him like she was his mother. “You know he doesn’t have to tell us if he doesn’t want to, Will.”
Will folded his arms and slouched. “I know.”
Anna leaned as far forward as she could without falling off her desk. “But, you know you can. If you want to. Nothing leaves this room.”
I knew that and other people had shared stuff way more intense than what was on my mind. “I’m just worried about my…” I didn’t know if I should say it. If I did, they’d want to know who I was talking about. And what about David? I started to feel that even being here was some sort of violation of his trust. But he was in this position because we kept everything a secret. “My boyfriend,” I finally said. The feeling surprised me. That cheesy one that fills your chest when you think of your boyfriend after only going out for a couple weeks. I’d never said the word “boyfriend” out loud at school before. I don’t think I’d even whispered it to David in the halls.
“You have a boyfriend?” Stacey asked, twirling her hair around a finger. “How long have you guys been together?”
“Uh, about six months.” No need to give the exact date, time, and location of when we made it official.
“That’s a long time,” Monika commented.
“What’s wrong with him?” Anna got the conversation back on track. Of course.
I could feel Ms. Larson’s concerned eyes on me. Eyes I was very familiar with from my year and a half as a consistent and loyal SAFE member. “He’s worried…” I chose my words carefully. “Someone made him feel like he can’t be some place because he’s gay.” So vague and not even completely true.
“Like church?” Stacey asked.
“Nobody likes going to church,” Will scoffed.
“Some people do,” Allie said.
“What is it?” Anna pressed.
“I…I don’t think I want to say.” More questions meant more details. “He doesn’t know I’m here and he’s not out to that many people.”
“So he goes to Lincoln?” Anna asked.
“Yeah,” I said without thinking.
“This sounds like something that happened at my old school.” Allie unknowingly rescued me. “This guy’s dad made him quit the show choir because he thought the whole group was made up of gay guys.”
“How ignorant,” Anna said.
“What’s a show choir?” Will asked.
“We have one here,” Anna said. “Adam’s in it.”
“That I am.” Adam nodded.
“Cool,” Will said.
“Wait a second.” Monika put down the phone sh
e had been glancing at all meeting. “You said no one knows he’s gay?”
“Some people know,” I clarified. “His family and stuff.”
“No one here?” Monika asked.
My silence was enough of an answer.
“Wow,” Anna said to herself.
“If I couldn’t kiss my boyfriend at lunch everyday, I would die,” Stacey said. “Or dump him.”
That pierced me in a way I didn’t expect. “It’s okay,” I said.
“It’s not as easy as that you guys.” Allie looked at each person in the circle.
“Who is it?” Anna asked.
“Anna.” Adam got his point across with a glare.
“Sorry, really. I’m curious.” Anna meekly ducked her head.
I wanted to say his name. Because I should be able to, especially to this group of people, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to David. I told him it would be fine. I thought I would be fine.
Ms. Larson looked at the clock ticking towards 4:00. “Why don’t we call it there, guys? I have a meeting tonight so I can’t stick around like I usually do.”
“But what about Tyler and his problem?” Anna asked.
“Tyler,” Ms. Larson turned to me, “you know our door is always open. Come back and see us again.”
“I’ll try,” I said, knowing this would be my last SAFE meeting. With the outdoor season starting up, I wouldn’t be able to come even if I wanted to.
Adam swung his messenger bag over his shoulder. “We’ll get the details about the prom at Lake Park next week. The dance isn’t for another couple months anyway.” He turned to me before walking out. “See you around.” He held out his hand and as we shook we clapped each other on the back.
Stacey and Monika waved as they walked out of the room connected to the same phone by sharing earbuds. Will and Anna put the desks back in their rows. They bundled themselves up in puffy jackets before leaving. “Tell the track team to have a late practice again next week,” Anna tugged a knitted hat on her head.