by Kim Oclon
I nodded, trying to figure out where to go from here so I could ask Allie what I really wanted to. “And there were teachers like Ms. Larson there? And SAFE?”
“And more.” The way she said it, I could tell she really missed it.
“It seems like everyone was nicer at your old school.” Senora Fannin was looking over the shoulder of someone and pointing to something on their computer screen.
“I’d say considering how many people went there, the ratio of nice people to complete assholes is more lopsided here.”
“Hmm.” Tyler and I never really talked about this or what it was like for him to walk the halls of Lincoln. Maybe because there was no need to say that it was really hard sometimes. Or maybe because we had each other. “Do you ever wish you weren’t gay?” It was something I thought about when I was first trying to figure stuff out. But it hadn’t crossed my mind in a while.
A thunderstorm rolled in on Allie’s eyes. “What? Like it’s a choice? Like why did I choose to be gay?” She slumped in her chair and crossed her arms, glaring at me.
“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” I stammered. “It’s just…”
“Or, why don’t I just stop acting like such a lesbo,” Allie cut me off. “Maybe wear a cute little skirt and tie a ribbon in my hair?” She somehow raised her voice without yelling.
“Allie, stop,” I said, my eyes darting to each corner of the library to see if anyone noticed what was going on at the desk by the entrance.
“Because I like the way I am. Fuck anyone who says anything otherwise.” Allie hopped off the chair and became interested in a rack of returned books that suddenly needed to be rearranged.
I wished I had a baseball hat on so I could lower the brim over my eyes. “Yeah, fuck ‘em. Saying that will make everything better, right?” I pushed myself off the counter.
“What?” Allie said, turning back to me.
Apparently I said that out loud.
I gripped the edge of the counter, taking a deep breath as I traced the grain in the fake wood veneer with my eyes. I followed it for about a foot before looking up at Allie. “Fuck ‘em,” I said. “Is it that easy?”
Allie shrugged. “I think so.” There was still an edge in her voice.
I wanted to say, “fuck you” to Kevin, his dad, and probably even my coach. I felt an energy rise in me, like it was opening day and I was stepping onto the field for first time in my uniform. “It’s okay, I can do this,” I said to the counter top. My voice shook a little, not quite matching the way I felt on the inside.
Allie walked back to the counter. “Do what?”
“I’m gay.” I was ready and wanted to say it. It was my choice. This was how it was supposed to work.
Allie smiled. “Good for you.” She reached over the counter and patted me on the shoulder.
“Huh?”
“Feels good to say it, doesn’t it? Two words. Five letters. Why is it so hard, huh?”
My hands went to my head to adjust a baseball cap that wasn’t there. I put them in the pocket of my sweatshirt instead. “Because people suck. Really suck.”
“Yup,” Allie nodded. “Some people really do.”
“And because it’s me. Like it shouldn’t have anything to do with anyone else but it’s a big deal for some reason. Why does it have to be a big deal?”
“It’s not a big deal,” Allie assured me. “But you might see it on the news. You see it all the time when a celebrity comes out. Are you a celebrity?”
“I don’t want it to be a big deal.” And it wasn’t a big deal until last week. I twisted my sweatshirt from inside the pocket. “I just want to play baseball and finish this year.”
“Then do that.” Allie’s eyes glanced around me at something. “I think your teacher’s on to you.”
I turned to see Señora Fannin coming towards us. “Señora, hola. I was just getting back to work. I requested a book last week from another library and Allie was checking to see if they had it.” It sounded believable.
Allie stepped behind a computer and began quickly typing. Her attempt to “check” on my book was admirable but unnecessary given how much time I’d already been standing at the counter.
Señora Fannin raised an eyebrow. “Really? Here I thought she might have been an expert on Valencia and helping you with your travelogue.” She said the name of the city in a thick Spanish accent.
“Valencia?” Allie said the city’s name in the same accent as my teacher. All these years in Spanish and my accent still sucked. “The Bioparc is incredible. It puts every zoo I’ve ever seen to shame. Just putting it in the same category as a zoo feels wrong.”
“The Bioparc?” Señora Fannin somehow raised her eyebrows even higher.
“Yeah,” Allie smiled. “I never liked zoos much anyway because of the cages and the two trees and some rocks that were supposed to double as an animal’s natural habitat. But the Bioparc…wow.”
I had no idea what Allie was talking about but my teacher seemed impressed. “Make sure Señor Lukas does some research on his own and not just ask you to tell him all about your trip to Spain,” Señora Fannin said and then turned to me. “Why don’t you try to get some work done on your own?” She gestured toward the computer where my books sat.
“Good idea.” I nodded in agreement as my teacher went back to the class.
Allie clicked something on the computer screen a few times and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the counter.
“You’ve actually been there?” I asked. “What a crazy coincidence.”
Allie shook her head. “I haven’t made it overseas yet,” she said. “But, you can find anything on the Internet.”
“Good thinking.” I laughed a little, taking a couple steps back. “Maybe I should find out about this Bioparc for myself.”
Allie shrugged. “It seemed kind of interesting.”
I hesitated despite knowing Señora was waiting for me to get back to work. “I didn’t plan on telling you. It just happened. You’re one of like, five people who know.”
“Does anyone else at school know?”
“Only one person up until last week.” I lowered my voice. “And now it’s getting…a little complicated.”
“It’s turning into a big deal?”
“I guess.”
“Well, I won’t tell anyone. I’ll let the media outlets handle it instead,” Allie snickered.
I had to smile. “They might want an exclusive interview with someone in the know.”
“No comment. But I’ll answer your questions if you want. I’ve got some practice at this…whole thing. You’re not alone in this. You shouldn’t feel like you are.”
I believed Allie but the thought of Tyler walking away from his locker on Friday prevented me from fully appreciating what she said. “I’ve heard that before.” I nodded a good-bye. “See you around.” I walked back to the computer and sat down in front of the screen.
I had told Allie. True, she was probably more understanding than some people at Lincoln, but I made the choice to tell someone else and I didn’t expect it to feel so good. I needed to talk to Tyler. But there was someone else I wanted to talk to first.
As I pretended to start my Spanish assignment, I decided that I was going to tell Mike after school today. Before the weight room, after, during our workout. I hadn’t worked out the details yet but the longer I let Kevin hang it over me like it was something bad, something worth cowering about, the bigger deal it became. And if I were going to be on the news for anything, it would be for being the second player from Lincoln High School to be drafted into the pros. It was a long shot and probably not going to happen, but that was what would make the story so newsworthy.
CHAPTER 17
TYLER
I couldn’t decide what hurt more. My face. My head. When David said he had no idea what Will was talking about and let me walk away from him.
A couple band-aids helped my face. Some ice helped my head. I didn’t know what to do about t
hat last one.
CHAPTER 18
DAVID
I found out that dodgball was a lot more fun without feeling like fifty-pound weights were tied to my ankles. My team had a shot at winning the period tournament, which meant there were five points extra credit and a bottle of water for each team member on the line. I caught every ball that came near me, causing my opponents to stare open-mouthed for a second before dragging their feet from the court.
This was how I usually felt before Coach Kelly called me to his office not quite a week ago. This was how I deserved to feel all the time, or at least as much as possible. Since I typically didn’t get such a high from a PE class victory, I had to assume that I was still flying from seventh period when I talked to Allie. It was like the secret was slowly eating at me but I didn’t even know it
I really wanted to tell Tyler about it, even if he didn’t want to talk to me.
When the bell rang and I got caught up in a flood of students leaving the locker room. It carried me through the door and finally broke as I passed Coach Kelly’s office. I glanced through the vertical window at the side of the door and saw Mrs. Carlson standing at the copy machine and Kevin sitting in a chair outside of Coach’s office, hunched over, arms crossed, with a serious scowl on his face. Like a kindergartner who had to sit out of recess as punishment.
With the exception of some very clever jokes during the last workout session, Kevin had been quiet. Even if that scowl on his face wasn’t about me, Kevin was pissed about something and whenever Kevin was angry, or even just a little upset, he quietly fumed until he just exploded. Many guys on the team referred to this mood as PMS and he PMSed most of the time.
“Hey, you’re going the wrong way.” Mike passed me in the hallway as he headed to the locker room.
“I just have to stop at my locker,” I said. “I’ll meet you in there.”
“We’re going to add weight today.”
“I’m ready.” I said, not just talking about the day’s workout. As Mike waved, I couldn’t tell if he was ready.
Out of habit, I walked by Tyler’s locker, hoping I’d see his figure crouched at the floor of it, his head partially inside as he sifted through textbooks and notebooks. But when I reached the locker, all I saw were three sophomore girls dressed exactly the same. The girl in the middle was holding up her phone and giggling while the other two clapped and bounced on their toes.
“He likes you!” They squeezed their friend’s shoulder.
The girl with the phone hugged her phone as much as it was possible to hug a four-inch piece of plastic. “What should I write back?”
I didn’t wait to hear what her friends suggested and was almost to my locker when I ran into Allie. I smiled when I saw her. “Thanks for putting up with me in the library,” I said.
“No problem. I was serious. Let me know if you ever want to talk more or anything. It doesn’t always have to be a secret rendezvous in the library. They do let me out sometimes.” She slipped her arm through the other strap of her backpack so it hung squarely on her back. “You should come to a SAFE meeting. We don’t always get a lot done but you might want to meet some other people who wouldn’t make you feel like a freak.” Allie paused. “Well, they might make you feel like a freak, but it’s only out of love.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I shook my head. I told my dad. I told Allie. I was going to tell Mike. Maybe I worked better one on one.
“You know where the room is if you ever are.” Allie gave me a little salute as she walked off.
“Took you long enough,” Mike said to me when I came into the weight room and sat down on a crate near the leg press machine. “I had to get started on my own and was this close to asking Patrick to be my spotter for squats.” Mike nodded at Patrick, who stood near the free weights, picking up the heaviest ones like he was testing to see if the weight etched on the side was accurate.
“I’m busy,” Patrick said, struggling to pick up one of the largest weights. The weight room was empty otherwise.
“Sorry,” I said. “I ran into someone in the hallway.”
“Who?”
“Just someone I had to talk to.” I shrugged.
Mike smiled slyly. “Your girlfriend? I could tell there was something going on between the two of you at the batting cages.”
I rolled my eyes. “Shut up, idiot.”
“Secret conversations. Meeting in the hallway. Sounds pretty serious to me.”
If Patrick weren’t nearby, I thought it would have been the perfect time to tell Mike that there was no possible way I would have a girlfriend and explain why. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I’d tell you if I did,” I said instead. It was true, even if that conversation was never going to happen.
“Whatever, Romeo. Spot me on this one, will you?”
“Of course.” I lifted the bar from the slots and made sure it was steady in Mike’s hands.
“This seems kind of heavy,” I said as Mike adjusted his grip on the bar. “You got it?”
“Yep,” Mike said quickly, already straining a little. His face was pink by the fourth rep, his left arm shook on the way up by the seventh, and on the last one, his elbow locked into place like it was refusing to do the lift again.
As I eased the bar back into the slots, the pink drained from Mike’s face and his color was returning to his normal complexion. “Why are you standing there like some creeper?” Mike looked startled as he sat up on the bench and looked somewhere behind me.
Despite the fact that I already knew who was standing behind me, instinct made me turn. It was a given whenever anybody said something like, “Hey, what’s that?” You had to look.
Rather than pushing the door open with such force that it bounced off the wall and announced his arrival, Kevin somehow materialized right behind me. “What do you think I’m doing here?” Kevin huffed, his mouth in a line and his eyebrows furrowed.
“Standing there like a creeper,” Mike laughed.
“It looks like you’re about to throw David in your van parked outside,” Patrick added from his spot on the leg curl machine.
“Your boyfriend wasn’t in school today, huh?” Kevin muttered as he shoved past me.
The image of Tyler’s empty chair in Art Appreciation flashed in my mind, followed by Tyler’s closed locker door amid the crowd of sophomores standing in front of theirs. “Why do you care?”
“Sorry.” Kevin walked over to the leg press machine. “Coach told me to keep my distance from you. So I will.” He held up his hands in a mock apology and sat down, making a show of not making eye contact with me.
“Are you okay?” Mike asked me.
I ignored Mike, my stare zooming in on Kevin, who was moving the pin down to add more weight. My entire body pulsated. I went from the bench to the leg press in three steps. “Did you do something to him?” Was it possible to lift someone up by their shirt like I had seen in so many movies? I wanted to grab the discolored collar of Kevin’s T-shirt and find out.
Kevin pushed the weight up with a slight grunt. “Who? What? Your boyfriend?”
“Boyfriend?” I didn’t turn around to see what Mike’s face looked like.
“He was the one that ran into me,” Kevin said.
“What. Did. You. Do?” My mind wasn’t on Mike or anything else in the world.
Kevin threw his legs over the side of the leg press chair and stood centimeters from my face. “I did my best to get him to convince you to keep your faggoty ass away from everyone.”
Mike stepped up like he was afraid to be caught sneaking up on me. “David, what the fuck is he talking about?”
I heard Mike but it didn’t register that I should answer the question. All of my focus was on Kevin, that he hurt Tyler, and that Tyler wasn’t in school today. “If I have to ask you again, I am going to kick your ass.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Kevin took a step back as if I had a contagious disease and sneezed on him. “You just want to cop a fe
el on anything with a dick.”
“That excludes you then.” I breathed through my nose like a bull preparing to charge a red flag.
“You’re gay?” I heard Mike spit out.
This time, Mike’s question seemed to snap me out of my trance. I saw Mike’s scrunched up, confused face. “Yeah,” I said, knowing that Mike didn’t need me to say anything. Shit, how many times did I want to tell Mike and now this was the way that he found out? Again. Kevin did it again.
“You…you like guys? Like, like them?”
As I slightly nodded, Kevin’s face broke into a shit-eating grin. “He doesn’t know? Your best friend didn’t know? Oh god, this is awesome.” Kevin looked like he wanted to high-five someone, most likely himself. “All you have to do is follow David’s shitbox as he drives it to Homoville and you’ll see quite a show when the track star gets out of the car.”
“Shit.” Mike took a step back. “Shit,” he said a little louder this time, probably replaying our entire friendship in his mind: T-ball games, video games in his basement, double dates with Carrie’s friends that never led to a second date.
Mike looked back at me. “Fuck you.” He quickly walked to the weight room door, flung it open, and left without picking up the sweatshirt he brought with him.
“Would you like me to poll the whole team to see if they feel the same way as the Captain?” Kevin stared at me with arms crossed, like an umpire who had just kicked a player out of a game and was waiting for him to leave the field.
“I’m gonna go too,” Patrick said to no one in particular as he rolled off the bench and headed for the door.
“Patrick, hey,” Kevin called to his back. “Let’s get your opinion on this. You want to make a “no fags allowed” clause for the team? Anyone who likes dick need not try out?”
Patrick continued to walk towards the door. “Shut up,” he said without turning around.
Kevin’s grin returned to me as I dumbly stared at the door close behind Patrick. “I’ll take that as a yes. He’s not exactly jumping up and down at the thought of having you check him out at every practice and every game.”