by Marata Eros
I get out and shut the door.
His red streak of a car screams away from the curb, and the smell of rubber fills my nostrils as I trudge up the stairs to see my mom.
~ 3 ~
The doctor stops me before I enter her room, and my heart drops like a stone in a lake. The ripples and splash are seen and heard only by me.
“What is it?” I ask.
Dizziness assails me, and I remember that I collapsed with Thorn, that I'm damn lucky Matthews hadn't kept me overnight.
I swallow against what feels like a panic attack, and when I open my eyes, I'm calmer. My mother's primary caregiver comes into sharp focus.
“Are you okay, Miss Mitchell?”
Hell no.
“Yes.” My eyes move around him to my mom's door. “Is… my mom okay?”
His face breaks into a smile, and my life changes that fast.
A rare sunny day in overcast Seattle pierces my mom’s room with late afternoon sunlight.
By habit, my eyes trace over the tubes that have kept my mom's meager existence going.
But they're gone.
Tannin Mitchell is breathing unassisted. Her eyes are shut, the withering look is there, but the bloom is back on the rose.
Soft pink unfolds across her cheekbones as if brushed on.
I move closer to her bed and softly stroke her cheek.
Without warning, her eyes pop open, but they're not hers.
“Hello, Faren,” Ronnie Bunce says, his eyes inside my mother's face, latching onto mine like a bird that catches sight of its prey.
I pinwheel backward, screaming as I fall.
Into blackness.
“No!” I scream, clutching damp sheets as I sit straight up in bed.
I'm in between, that place where a nightmare seems truly real, a dream that still clings to me with tenacious fingers.
My eyes search every surface of my room. I come up with nothing out of place. My personal effects mock me from their benign place in my life.
Inanimate, unreal.
I fall back against the bed as my galloping heart slows to a trot. I try to regain the sense of joy I felt when my mom's doctor told me she's woken up, that she lives.
Not in that vegetative existence where she might thrash on a good day, breaking the surface of the unconscious water she drowns in.
On a bad one, Tannin Mitchell appears as if she has already left this world.
I sit up again and stare vacantly into the dim emptiness of my room. The clock fills the silence with its ticking.
I feel something land on my left hand, oozing wetness into the well of my scar.
My tears.
I dread tomorrow. Not my day job.
But the night.
I turn and see the clock reads three thirty. I slide my cell off the nightstand and scroll through my messages.
Two from Mick. My palm dampens against the hard shell of my phone.
A soft flutter like moth's wings ignites inside my stomach.
Mick: Faren, text me.
Mick: Are you okay?
I smile. No, I'm not okay. I put the cell down next to my body and close my eyes.
It's late and I have no right to respond. I've screwed things up six ways to Sunday.
I grab the cell and text him anyway.
Me: I'm okay.
I wait five minutes. I watch the numbers on my digital clock flip over into my uncertain future.
Me: You awake?
I hold the cell in my good hand.
He'll text.
I roll over and settle into the warm nest of my covers, knowing I have to be at the clinic by eight.
I don't feel my eyes close as my hand wraps my cell.
It sits against my chest like the teddy bear I no longer sleep with.
What seems like seconds later, the alarm sounds. It blares its rhythmic discordance like a tortured duck. I slam my hand down on the button, and blessed silence ensues.
Thank god.
I sit up, wiping my eyes and feeling like shit.
I rummage through my covers, hunting for my cell phone. I find it buried in my pillowcase. I scroll through texts from work, from Kiki.
No texts from Mick.
My stomach falls to my feet, and heat floods my system.
I think of Thorn evading Mick in my alley yesterday and wonder if it was the last time.
Maybe Mick figures I'm too much of a pain in the ass.
He'd be right.
I get up and stretch.
I pad into the kitchen, make my tea, and head for the bathroom. I crank on the shower.
When steam rises, I jerk off my pajama bottoms and cami and sink into the spray in abject relief. I think of Mick as my hands glide over my body, my slippery fingers touching every bit of me. I linger at all the places I want him to touch.
I crank the faucet to cold, and it jerks me out of my reverie, my desire to climax so I can control myself around Mick.
I hold myself back from pleasure. It's a savage torture of my want versus the experience I must have.
If he gives me a chance to redeem myself, I want to be so primed for the pump that nothing can stop us.
No excuse.
No truth.
Just my need to take Mick.
Before he takes me.
*
I bolt my door and turn, instantly stumbling over something.
Another card. Wrapped in elastic and attached to my mask.
The mask I misplaced! I do a mental facepalm and cringe. How does he know it's mine? My brows come together as I rack my brain. Maybe it's an innocent “find.” One that doesn't warrant a total meltdown of my threadbare control of my emotional fabric.
I bend over, retrieve the mask, remove it from the card, unlock my door, and throw the mask inside without a glance.
Closing my door, I lock it again and turn the card over.
My heart thumps harder.
Came by to see you. Out of town for a few days.
Mick
I run my thumb over the deep, hastily scratched cursive. I feel each indent.
I caress his signature twice.
The rasp of my flesh over his penmanship evokes a sharp pang of lust mixed with longing.
I slip my phone out of my smock pocket and look at the texts from Mick.
They're from before Thorn and I almost blew it in the alley.
Just the thought of any kind of collusion with Thorn sets my teeth on edge.
I still can't get a feel for him.
But I have different things to consider with his new information. Mick doesn't know about the laps. It doesn't get him completely off the hook with me though. I mean, he's still okay with making some of his money off pole dancers.
And I'm hypocrite enough to be pissed about it. In a roundabout way, he's providing for my mom's care.
I cringe and put my cell inside my pocket, along with the card.
My fingertips linger on the thick paper.
Can I afford my pride anymore?
What kind of game is Mick playing?
What kind am I?
I move into the freight elevator and slam it shut. It lurches down and lands at the bottom with a teeth-slamming crunch.
I flinch, step out, and high tail it to the door.
I look left and right, letting the building door close behind me. I notice my VW is sandwiched between two cars.
My off-street parking is not-going-anywhere parking today. I can't back out without ramming the yahoos who take parallel parking to a new level.
Shit.
I guess I'm going to get some exercise. I know it's not part of the protocol Doctor Matthews has in mind.
I imagine him saying, “Brain tumor patients shall not run to work.”
Well fuck it.
I run.
*
I grab Trixie’s thigh hard as she does a particularly good hamstring extension. I feel for the proper lift, hardness of muscle, and method.
It's perfec
t.
She grunts, staving off another with five seconds of unapproved respite.
“Come on,” I encourage, “one more.”
“It's killing me!”
I know. “Give me one more real one. Otherwise you're just going through the motions. I'd rather see five real than twenty fakers.”
“Gah!” She bellows like an enraged cow and pushes through the last set. She collapses against the weight bench underneath her, arms dangling like limp noodles.
I pat her leg.
“Don't touch me,” she barks.
“Grumpy,” I answer in a neutral tone, though I can feel the smile in my voice.
Trixie whirls around, her mousy hair and thin body like a whip that doesn't sit still.
“Where am I at, Faren?”
I hate to say, but I know what she's asking. “There's still a good amount of atrophy.”
Trixie's hazel eyes narrow at my evasion. “How. Much.”
I fold my arms. “You're organic, Trixie, not a robot. Each patient is different. I'm not here to defeat you, but to encourage you.”
“With pain?” she asks, disbelieving.
My lips twitch. I've heard that so many times I've lost count.
“Yes. We don't call this ‘the torture chamber’ for nothing.”
She stands and looks up into my face. “What do you estimate?”
Her shoulders droop, her mouth a grim line.
Yet, I deliver news that makes her face fall further. I never lie to my patients.
Only myself.
*
I slide my patient folder through the glass slot and meet Sue's eyes.
“How's Doc Matthews?” she asks, flicking a finger through the sheets page by page, swiping stickies away where they're not needed.
I say nothing at first.
Sue looks up over her eyeglasses. The bottoms of her eyes are magnified, and the tops are sharp.
Focusing on me.
Those two words—brain cancer—stick in my throat like a burr, and I want to spit them out.
Instead, I swallow the lump in my throat and force a smile.
“He's great.”
Sue exhales in obvious relief. “So you're feeling better?”
I nod, also true.
Except for the terrible headache attack yesterday and fainting, I've never felt better. I smile at how easy it is for me to dismiss the horrible incident when the little ones are becoming less frequent.
Of course, it could be the calm before the storm. My smile fades with my pessimism.
I turn to go, hiding my face to shroud my thoughts.
“Oh, Faren!” Sue calls out and I turn back.
She waves a mask at me.
The twilight doesn't fail to catch the refractions the Swarovski crystals fling around the room like tiny diamonds in flight.
I can't speak. I left that stupid thing inside my apartment.
I know it.
The mask that I had misplaced, that Mick found and used as a handy message-holder. My belly does an unwieldy flop.
“Who... what?” I ask.
Sue is obviously pleased she’d remembered to give it to me. She slides it through the slot.
It sparkles as it moves. “He said it was yours.”
“Who?” I ask again, my voice fragile.
Sue's brows draw together, and she shrugs. “Some man. He says you dropped it outside the office.”
I stand there like a zombie, and my bad hand gives a vicious jerk. My good one is softly fisted around the damning mask.
“Is something wrong?” Sue looks as if she's about to dive around the partition and tackle me in full-on mother hen style.
“No!” I say, a little more harshly than I mean to.
“It's mine. Just a little leftover Halloween stuff still running around in my purse.”
Sue nods, but her eyes track me in a way they never have before.
I'm getting more attention than I want from a co-worker. But that's the least of my worries.
My stepfather has been in my house.
~ 4 ~
My body freezes outside my apartment building in fear. Strobes flare at me in greeting, red then blue, pulsing in the descending twilight.
The sunset bleeds away as I approach my building and a cop car stands sentinel by the glass doors. My thoughts fill with Ronnie. Cop cars at my apartment, dumped mask like a message... I can think of only one conclusion. Out with pessimism, in with realism. I'm not a fan of coincidence.
My hand only trembles a little when I whip out my cell and text Kiki.
Me: Holy shit, the cops are at my building
Kiki has her phone glued to her ass. Unless she's in the shower, she'll reply.
I wait until my cell pings.
I look down and give a nervous laugh.
Kiki: What in the fuckinstein is happening? Are you ok?
Am I okay? Hell no. Ronnie had my mask; he knows where I live. I'm not safe. Oh god—I'm not safe.
Me: No... Yeah, I'm okay but Kik—can you come over?
I'm finally asking for help.
Kiki: Gah! I can't, I've got poles tonight. I've got to wiggle my ass and play grab the cash... after?
Me: Yeah.
Kiki: You're not lying... are you really okay?
No. Me: Yes... just, come over, k?
Kiki: <3
I walk toward the apartment building and see cops milling around in the small foyer.
A cop walks up to me, his badge reads Tagger.
He's my height, and his watery green eyes meet my gray ones. He does that eye flick most men do when they see me. Though my sexy clinic smock gets in the way of an in-depth perusal, he still lingers for the perfunctory two-second eye rake.
“I'm sorry, miss, I can't let you enter the building.”
His hand hovers over me as if I'm going to sprint for it, slide across the tile, and make a home run as I land inside the elevator.
Right.
“I live in the building,” I say, not quite keeping the bite out of my words.
I'm tired, my feet hurt, and I'm freaked as hell about Ronnie.
Now cops are telling me to get lost?
Don't they effing know I am already? So lost.
Tears of frustration fill my vision, scorching me as I refuse to let them fall. Instead, I level a glare at the cop who's just doing his job.
Anger feels better than tears.
It's not his fault he just stepped into the pile of shit that's my life.
Tagger's brows rise, and he takes out a piece of paper and slides a finger down what I know must be a short list of tenants.
His eyes meet mine, and they have a look. It's not easy to decipher sandwiched between two buildings in a tight, narrow alleyway full of puddled shadows.
“Faren Mitchell?”
My heart pounds harder, and my hand gives a warning tremble. That's one of the “tells” Thorn spoke of. The full-on shakes might happen in a minute or two for extra fun.
“Yes.” Even to me, my voice has the quality of a squished whistle.
He lightly touches my elbow and I don't retreat. “I'm afraid we have some bad news.”
His words hollow me. I don't think I can handle any more of the evils of life.
I follow him through the door. My eyes take in my irate landlord and the splayed guts of the security code box.
“You fuckweasels didn't get here after my tenant called it in- what? Ten minutes ago?! What in the blue fuck do we pay your salary for? To goddamned respond is what!” my landlord yells.
Tagger narrows his vision to a laser beam on Humphrey. His combover stands like a filthy flag on top of his head. I can just imagine him compulsively raking his pudgy fingers through it.
Another cop has a little handheld device, his stylus poised but not touching. Apparently fuckweasel doesn't warrant note taking.
“Faren!” Humphrey stalks over to me, and all I see is the spot of mustard on his rumpled shirt collar.
Tagge
r steers me into the vestibule of my apartment building.
I don't miss the look he gives his partner, a significant eye jerk to Humphrey.
The other cop, Scott, calls, “Mr. Humphrey! My questions are not finished.”
Humphrey stops. He shoots me a scathing look that clearly says later.
His fists bunch, and he pivots and walks back to officer Scott in a jerky trot. His chubby body rocks importantly when he halts in front of Scott again. He’s pissed and not bothering to hide it.
Tagger shakes his head. “If it wasn't his property, we wouldn't be so lenient.”
“He's a jerk,” I say and bite my cheek.
Tagger smiles, and it changes his face, erasing hard years. “Yes, duly noted.”
We climb the stairs, and I slow. His hand takes my elbow.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
Tagger stares at me. So much in his face is left unsaid, and I can feel the blood rush to my feet.
“Where?” I ask again.
He sighs explosively. “It's your apartment.”
I wrench my elbow out of his grip and sprint up the stairs.
“Miss Mitchell!” Tagger bellows.
I outpace him like an antelope on crack.
I've kept in great shape, working to get out of the hole of disability Ronnie Bunce put me in. There's only my hand now.
I can't make everything right.
I throw open the top floor door, slamming it against the wall and making another crack in the plaster for Humphrey to bitch about.
It slaps me in the ass when Tagger crowds behind me.
I groan, clutching the doorjamb, as my eyes take in my doorway.
My solid wood door hangs from its hinges like a busted tooth, and I walk forward as though in a dream.
Or a nightmare.
“Is it... safe?” I whisper. Tears spill, cutting fine pathways in my heart.
“Yeah, but, Miss Mitchell...”
“Faren,” I reply absently.
“Faren, stay with me please. I can't have you running off like that.” He's not out of breath, but his eyes are tired.