by Hantz, Sara
It’s easy for him to say that when he doesn’t know the whole story.
“What’s happiness got to do with it?”
Ryan reaches for my hands and holds them in his. A lump rises in my throat and my body starts to shake. He puts his arm around my shoulder and I lean into him welcoming his warmth and support.
I couldn’t bear for him to hate me. I’ll do anything not to lose his friendship.
“Suzy. What are you doing?” Guy’s voice shatters the moment.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Guy,” I say, trying to sound totally unfazed by his presence. “I didn’t realize you were here.”
I glance up at Ryan. His face is emotionless. What’s he thinking? Will he forgive me? Or does he just think of me as Suzy the selfish bitch?
“Ryan and I were just talking.”
“Talking? It looks more than talking to me.” He diverts his attention from me to Ryan. “Do you always talk to people with your arm around them?” Sparks positively fly from his eyes.
“Listen bud—”
“I’m not your bud,” Guy growls. He’s clearly losing it. I’ve never seen him act like this before. “Suzy’s my girlfriend. So hands off. I don’t want to see you near her again. Understand? Now get back to work before I get you fired.
What the hell? Would he seriously try and get Ryan the sack? That’s so unfair. You don’t do that to your friends. Okay, I know they’re not friends but Ryan is my friend, whatever he might think. And I’ll prove it to him. I don’t know how but I will.
“Excuse me,” I say. “I am not your property. You don’t say who I can and cannot talk to.”
Guy’s jaw drops. Well that told him. Now perhaps we can act like adults.
“Keep out of this,” Guy says. “This is between me and him.”
Forget the adult comment, clearly that’s not going to happen. Funny, isn’t it, how people don’t show their true colors until they’re in a confrontation?
“Oh no it isn’t. This is between you and me.” I’m so angry I wave my finger at him just like my dad does when he tells me off. “I’m sorry, Guy, I can’t go out with someone who thinks of me as one of his possessions. I’m a person in my own right. Which means I choose what I do and who I speak to.” I desist with the wagging finger and plant both hands on my hips.
“Even if it upsets the other person?” His anger lapses and a bewildered look clouds his face.
“I wouldn’t intentionally upset anyone,” I soften my voice. “I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea about me and Ryan. We’re friends and I was upset and he comforted me. That’s all.”
“Okay, I believe you,” Guy says, the bewildered look now gone. “Come on back inside and we’ll forget all about it.” Let’s not be too patronizing.
It hits me that something isn’t right. I don’t know whether it’s me or Guy or what. But things can’t continue.
“You know, Guy. I don’t belong here.” I make a rather grand gesture with my hand. I sure pick my moments for making a stand. What on earth is Lori going to say if suddenly I disappear? Actually maybe I won’t go down this road. “What I mean is, um—is—um. Oh shit. What the hell do I mean?”
“Suzy I’d rather you didn’t swear when we’re here. Someone might hear you.”
“Ah. That’s what I mean. Sorry Guy I can’t hack all this goody-goody stuff. I thought I could be like you and the others but I can’t. It’s not in my nature. I’m a rebel. Always have been. Always will be. You don’t want to go out with someone like me. If you spent time with the real me you’d be out the door faster than a speeding bullet.”
Yikes. I think I’m having one of those epiphany weird moment things. You know, when suddenly everything falls into place. What a laugh. I thought they were reserved for religious people. Mind you, the number of times I utter God I probably qualify by default.
“So, you don’t want to go out with me any more?”
“That’s about the size of it. Look I don’t want to spoil anyone’s evening. Go back inside and I’ll be in soon. We needn’t say anything to others. We can wait until school. You can say you finished with me.”
Guy glares at me then Ryan, then back at me again. “Whatever.” He turns and walks away.
Shit, I feel guilty.
Ryan and I stand in silence for what seems like ages but is probably only a couple of minutes.
“Well,” I finally say. “I’ve done it now. No turning back. I’m toast once Guy tells everyone I’m not who they think I am. Still, I suppose you’re pleased about that. I guess you think it serves me right.”
Ryan runs his fingers through his hair, a sure sign he’s thinking—well it always used to be.
“Of course I don’t. I might not like what you’ve done but that doesn’t mean I want you to suffer. Far from it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. Believe me hurting you is the last thing I’d want to do.”
“Enough.” He holds up his hand to silence me. “We’re cool. And it will work out with your friends. It’s good they get to know the real you. Anyway, whatever Guy says I don’t think they’ll get it. It’s hard for someone to believe you’re really someone else when all they’ve seen is the person you’ve pretended to be. When they see the old you they’ll realize.”
“You mean I’ve got a stay of execution, then?” I laugh. But it’s half-hearted as thoughts of Rosie and my parents flood my mind. “In all this I’d forgotten about Mom and Dad. They’re going to be so disappointed in me. Again.”
“Why?”
“Try because I did this for them. I can’t bring Rosie back. God knows I would if I could. But by being like her, doing well at school, hanging out with the in crowd it was like I could bring some of Rosie back to them and I—”
“Suzy, stop.” The firmness of his voice stops me in my tracks. “Your parents wouldn’t want you living a life like Rosie’s just to make them feel better. Where’s the sense in that? They’ve lost one daughter, would they really want the other daughter to be unhappy and stifled for the rest of her life? Of course not.”
“Not consciously maybe. But deep down they might. Deep down they’re probably thinking the wrong daughter died. Especially with what happened afterwards.”
“What happened afterwards?”
I bow my head and rest it in my hand. “You don’t want to know. You really don’t.” My knees sort of give way and Ryan reaches for my arm. How feeble does that make me?
“Come on,” he says leading me to a wrought iron bench. “Take some slow deep breaths. You’ve got a lot of stuff pent up in there.”
“I think you’ve been watching too much Dr Phil.” A half-smile tugs at my lips. We both sit down on the bench and I do as he says. It does make me feel a bit better.
“Come on. Tell me what happened. It can’t be that bad.”
I take a long slow breath. “Okay. You asked for it.” I swallow hard. “Rosie dying sent me into a tailspin. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk to anyone—even Maddie. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t do anything. It was my fault, you see—”
“It wasn’t. I’ve already told you that—” I hold up my hand to silence him.
“Please, Ryan. Let me finish.”
“Sorry.” He rests his hand on top of mine. But I pull it away.
“Like I said. When Rosie died I couldn’t hack it. I totally lost the plot. Went on bender after bender. Most of it’s a blur until after I got arrested for causing a public nuisance.”
“What were you doing?” His voice isn’t sounding so gentle anymore. I knew this would happen.
“Let’s just say my clothes and I parted company and the people visiting Rydale Fountain might think twice before visiting again for their family vacation.” The thought of it makes me feel sick. Even though I can’t remember much about the whole thing.
“Were you on your own?”
“No. At first a girl called Lucy from school was with me. She took off when the police arrived. Not that I blame her. Who wouldn’t i
n the same situation? I often wonder what happened to her. Anyway, Mom and Dad bailed me out. They said they understood. But I heard them talking. I heard Mom say, ‘why can’t she be more like Rosie?’. So, I’m not making it up about the wrong daughter dying. Am I?” I lean forward and wrap my arms around my knees and wait for Ryan’s rebuff.
“Suzy, you’re wrong. What you heard, it’s just what any parent might say. All parents want their children to be good. They didn’t actually say it to you, though, did they?”
“What difference does that make?” He’s annoying me now. Why won’t he listen to what I’m saying?
“It’s like how you might moan about Maddie sometimes. You just say it. But that doesn’t mean you wish she wasn’t there, or that you think any less of her. You must understand that.”
I stand up from the bench and walk over to the wall. I lean against it and wrap my arms around me. This is too hard. What if Ryan’s right? What if everything I’ve done has just been a waste of time?
Nah. He’s wrong. I know my parents don’t want me to be how I was. And they definitely want me to be more like Rosie. Who wouldn’t want their daughter to get top marks and do well? It’s only natural.
“Ryan, you might be right about them not wanting me to die instead of Rosie. But I’m right in knowing they want me to be more like her. And I don’t care what you say, you won’t persuade me otherwise.”
He jumps up from the bench and walks over to where I’m leaning. He stands in front of me with his arms outstretched and his hands on the wall—one either side of me. He’s so close I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face.
“Suzy. What’s going on?” The sound of Lori’s irate voice makes me jump three feet into the air. Ryan’s arms drop to his side and he spins around to face her.
She storms over and positions herself in front of us with her hands on her hips.
“What do you mean?” I ask. Like I couldn’t guess.
“I’ve just been talking to Guy. He’s really upset. Muttering something about you totally losing it and not wanting to go out with him because you’re really a different person or something. Look, it’s nothing to do with me if you want to finish it. But why pick tonight? And
why make up something like that? And what,” she glares at Ryan, “are you doing with him?”
“God, Lori. You sound as bad as Guy. I’m not doing anything with Ryan. We’re just talking. It’s not a crime you know. I wish you’d all just leave me alone.”
“Fine, I will. If that’s what you want. And thanks for totally ruining my evening.”
Shit. What did I say that for? One day I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut?
“Lori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Forget it. I’m going back inside.”
She marches off her arms swinging violently. I just wish this evening would hurry up and end.
“Now look what I’ve done. Things couldn’t get much worse if I tried,” I say to Ryan.
“I’m going home. No point in hanging around here.”
“I’ll take you,” Ryan replies.
“Why? After what I’ve done to you?”
“Suzy. Give it a rest.” He slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out some keys. “Here, go and sit in my car I’ll be out in thirty minutes.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
I stare at my watch for about the hundredth time in the past half hour. Lori’s not coming. I knew she wouldn’t. Not that I blame her. I wouldn’t if the situation was reversed. Actually, I think I would. Everyone’s entitled to screw up occasionally—though I suppose it depends on the severity of the screw-up.
“Not here yet?” Ryan asks as he walks past the table.
It’s sad suggesting we meet in Starbucks, but knowing Ryan is around makes it easier somehow. I still feel guilty about what I did to him but I think he understands. And he knows I value what we had together. We talked for ages last night. About everything.
“No. I guess it was a long shot.” I let out a long sigh. “I might as well go home. No point hanging around here all day.”
“Look, I finish at four. Why don’t we go for a coffee or something. What about the movies? Take your mind off what’s happened. I’ll come and pick you up.”
He’s such a sweetie. I don’t deserve such a good friend.
“Ryan, you don’t have to do this, you know. It’s my problem and I have to face it.”
“And it’s such a hardship. Seriously, I enjoy being with you. So, are we on for later?” I bite on my bottom lip, deliberating. “Hurry up,” he says. “I’m not meant to hang out with the customers. You know that. Are we going or not?” His warm smile totally negates the effect of his harsh sounding words.
“You’re so bossy. How can I refuse.” I giggle and for the briefest of moments forget everything.
I take my purse from the back of the chair, open it and drop in my phone. There’s a bus in ten minutes, which I should make. But first I need to pop to the bathroom.
Pushing the door open I get the shock of my life. Lori is in there washing her hands. I stand open mouthed, while my stomach hits the floor. I hate it when that happens because it takes ages before my insides feel remotely normal.
“Suzy,” Lori says, a lot colder than she’s ever said my name before.
“Um, hi. I thought you weren’t going to come. Not that I blame you. I know that what’s happened is awful and you probably won’t ever want to speak to me again and I don’t blame you because it was so awful and it was just so awful and—”
Suzy, shut the fuck up. Right. Yes. Sorry. Breathe. Be cool.
“Sorry, for gabbling on Lori. Thanks for coming.”
“I wasn’t going to. I’ve been in here for twenty minutes deciding what to do. When I got your text earlier asking me to meet you I thought you had a huge cheek after what happened. But then—”
“Yes, I know. I totally agree with you. But I had to see you. To explain. Look come and sit down, we can’t talk in here.”
“Okay.”
She follows me out of the bathroom into the café area. There’s a table near the door so I head over there. Ryan is behind the counter and I catch his eye when we pass. He gives an almost imperceptible wink. I hope Lori didn’t notice.
“Do you want anything to drink?” I ask once we’re sitting down.
“No, thanks.”
“Right.” I take hold of the bottom of my T-shirt and start to wrap it around my finger. “I am soooo sorry,” I blurt out loudly. “About last night. I owe you an explanation.”
Lori’s face is unreadable. I feel awful. And you know what, now I’m faced with losing her as a friend I realize how much I don’t want to. I really like her. And I’m not just friends with her to achieve my goal. I really, really like her. And that makes me feel even more of a bitch than I was feeling before.
“Yes, I think you do.” She folds her arms. I’ve read all about body language in Cosmo. I know exactly what arm folding means. “And it better be good.” Her words chill my insides. She can certainly be a tough nut when she wants to.
“Oh. It’s good alright.” I’m freakin’ here. This sure as hell isn’t going to be easy. “I’ll start at the beginning, but before I do, you need to know that I’m sorry. So very, very sorry. You’ve been great. And I didn’t want to lie to you or anyone else. But I had no choice.” This is sounding so ridiculous.
“You had to lie? Someone twisted your arm and made you tell lies to me.” She shakes her head in disbelief.
“Well, not someone exactly. Just the thought of someone,” I pause for a moment. “Rosie. I wanted desperately to be like her so when I started at school I sort of reinvented myself. Bought some new clothes, worked hard, behaved myself and hung out with the in crowd. And thanks to your help and kindness it turned out better than I could have ever hoped.”
Lori’s facial expression softens a little. “That’s not so bad,” she says. “I can understand you wanting to turn over a new leaf and�
��”
“Wait,” I interrupt. “You haven’t heard the worst thing.” I pause a moment. “I’m-not-a-virgin-I-did-it-with-Ryan-just over-a-year-ago.” The words tumble out of my mouth and I daren’t look at her, instead lean forward and bury my head in my hands.
Lori doesn’t say a thing, and after a few moments I turn my head to the side and peep out through my fingers.
“Say something,” I implore. “Even if it’s that you hate me and will never speak to me again.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she replies very deliberately. “Telling us you are a virgin was one big lie.”
“Well, technically I didn’t lie.” Here I go again. “Because no-one actually asked me if I was a virgin or not. You all assumed I was.”
“And the vow?”
“Ah, yes. But under my breath I did sort of change the vow to be ‘from now on I’ll stay a virgin’. And that would have been it, except Ryan turned up and made everything so complicated. And he made me go out with him on the day of the summer picnic. See, that’s another lie I told. I wasn’t ill then. I was with Ryan.”
“Is he blackmailing you? Because if he is my parents have a good lawyer who—”
“No. no,” I interrupt. “Nothing like that. Ryan is the coolest guy out. He’s helped me see how things really are. Ryan wouldn’t blackmail anyone. No way. You must meet him properly, you’ll love him.”
Lori’s eyes widen. “Ah ha. Now I get it,” she says.
“What?”
“No wonder you don’t want to go out with Guy. You’ve got the hots for Ryan.”
“No it’s not like that. Definitely not.”
“Mmmm. If you say so.” She’s silent for a while, and looks thoughtful. “Tell me what was it like,” she finally says. “Doing it, I mean. Did it—did it hurt?”
“It was awesome. Really special. Yes, the first time it did hurt. I knew it would. But Ryan was so gentle and sweet. No way would I have done it if I didn’t have strong feelings for him.” My insides go all gooey at the thought. I shake my head. I can’t think about what happened in the past. It’s pointless.