by Hadley Quinn
“That’s not something you have to feel stupid for. People can be ruthless, and heartless, and extremely cruel and selfish. You can’t blame yourself for being kind or giving the benefit of the doubt.”
“But I do. Because I knew better.”
I sighed. “I don’t know all the details or the circumstances around it, but I do know a bit about blaming yourself. I did the same with Chris. First, I was humiliated and upset; then, I was furious and unforgiving. After that—after I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged me to change my mind—I doubted myself. I wondered what had gone wrong and how much of it was my fault. You know, because it’s said that it takes two people for a marriage to fail. Well…I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong, but apparently, I was half the problem?”
“Jo, you didn’t force him to cheat.”
“I know, but something caused him to feel like he needed to. And when you go to a divorce counselor and you’re told marriage is a two-person job and failure only happens if you allow it to…”
He shook his head. “That therapist is a fucking idiot. You shouldn’t have been told that, and you definitely shouldn’t have been made to feel responsible.”
“I don’t know. I did have a choice. I could have forgiven him and moved on, right? I made the decision not to. So essentially, that was my fault in ‘not trying anymore,’” I finished with air quotes.
He cast me a dubious side-glance. “Do you wish you hadn’t left him?”
“No,” I spat out. “Hell no. It was the right decision. For me, at least. I couldn’t be in that type of marriage anymore. Nothing was going to get better. All the lies and promises…it was a never-ending cycle. I never expected perfection, but I also never expected to constantly feel so awful about myself.” I stopped, feeling horrible for cutting into his confession with my own issues. “Tell me more about what happened with that chick.”
Josh turned on the couch, placing his arm on the back of it. “What kinds of lies and promises? Tell me about that first.”
I took a deep breath and slowly released it, and then explained all that was Chris Wilkes. His work habits, his catering to clients more than he did to me. His promises of vacations and babies, and never following through with any of it. All the dinners I ate alone. His discreet ways of making me feel like my wants and needs had to come second because everything else was more important.
I probably could have gone on and on, because really, bashing Chris was fairly easy. But maybe I was wasting my breath, bringing all that crap into my relationship with Josh. The last thing I wanted was to toss expectations in his lap.
When I told him that, he sighed and shook his head. “No, Jolie, I’m glad you shared it. Helps me understand who you are now. The things that have hurt you…it’s a big part of you. I can’t promise I’ll never disappoint you, but now I understand how you’ve been affected by certain things. And knowing the direction your life has gone is a big part of closing that book and starting a new one. That make sense?”
It did. And I was so grateful he felt that way. I never wanted to hide what I’d been through and why I felt the way I did about particular things. I was glad Josh understood that.
And I was thankful to know about his past, as well. It was true; learning what he’d gone through answered a lot of questions. I could see why he never wanted to get close to another female again.
“Jo,” he said, somewhat tentatively. “While we’re opening up, the way you mention kids…”
Oh shit. I didn’t know if I had the heart to hear him admit he didn’t want any. It was an absolute deal breaker, and I didn’t want it to be. But maybe his experience with that girl in college had altered his feelings on the subject. What if he somehow let it hold him back?
“Yes, what about it?” I asked, almost defensively.
He chose another slice of pizza as a distraction. “Is that what you want? A family? Kids?”
“Yes,” I replied immediately. “No question about it. And I will never change my mind about that because I deserve it and won’t negotiate. If I ever get married again, kids are gonna happen within the first year. And if it doesn’t, I’m gonna take my ass somewhere else—sperm bank, adoption center, I don’t care. It’s what I want, and if a guy isn’t on board—”
“Hold up, slow down, Jo.” He smiled uneasily. “It’s important to you. I understand.”
Maybe I’d been on a mini tirade, but no one knew how much I’d longed to have kids. It wasn’t meant to happen with Chris, and I was relieved.
Josh abandoned the pizza again and faced me. “You’re passionate about all the right things, JoJo, and that’s what I love about you.”
I remained silent because I didn’t know how to respond to that. I knew it didn’t mean he was in love with me, but he probably expected me to at least say something.
His phone rang, but he ignored it. Instead, he told me more about Alicia—the lying bitch who’d tried her best to destroy him. She was a cheerleader and had friends who were dating other football players. It all seemed so “logical” that she and Josh became a couple.
“Want to know what haunts me the most about her?” he asked.
I only nodded.
“She insisted on attending my mom’s funeral with me. My poor mother was probably rolling in her grave knowing I was with someone like her.” He shook his head in disgust. “I still feel like it was such an insult to bring her, even though I didn’t know the pregnancy was fake at that point. I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself for being so blind. And just so you know,” he sighed, “she already had a history of deleting my voicemails and texts. I have no doubt yours fell victim to her too. Truth is…I was still hung up on you. And she knew it.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was strange how our perception influenced our conditions. Josh was set for college football and possibly the NFL. Clark had told me I’d cried when Josh left; I hadn’t remembered that. But now I did. It was something I must have blocked from my memory. I thought I was an immature little girl who was just hurt about her boyfriend leaving. It was a personal heartbreak I wanted to forget because, obviously, the quarterback had better things to achieve in life.
Maybe denial had always been an innate quality I possessed.
“I thought I was just a blip in your life,” I told him. “High school seems so meaningless in ways, just thought our relationship was too when you left.”
“I understand how you thought that. I wasn’t a very forward kid. I’m not that way anymore,” he seemed to warn.
I’d learned that pretty quickly. “I realize that. And…I’m more than okay with it.” I tried to hide a smile but failed.
“Oh yeah?” he ribbed. “And what exactly do you like about my straightforward personality?”
He made me blush. I wasn’t thinking about sexual activity directly, but it was the way his eyes were tantalizing me. It sent a swift jolt to my core.
Josh could tell his sensual charm affected me and took full advantage of it. Apparently recoup time was over. I didn’t need fancy restaurants, thrilling dates, or expensive gifts. I wanted couches, and movies, and pizza. I wanted all the hugs and all the kisses, and I needed to have a man who was well-rounded.
Passionate, protective, and reliable.
Because someone who could take care of my heart was far more valuable to me than anything else.
~27~
Jock and I had been exclusive for six weeks. His birthday was coming up, so I spent a lot of time thinking up something special to do. I didn’t want it to be too extreme, expensive, or overly planned, so I asked a couple of my coworkers for some ideas.
They were no help. Their ideas all ranged from a professional sporting event to a private strip show ending in kinky sex. That was somewhat of a possibility to end the day, but I still wanted something else to plan around.
He liked whiskey. Maybe a unique bottle he would never buy for himself? I think I liked that idea. Better yet, he once mentioned distilleries. I called a f
ew places, narrowed my choice down to one, and made sure Jock could have that Friday off. He was totally surprised, but not only that, ecstatic. And I was pretty damn happy with myself. His smile the entire time we were there was absolutely priceless.
Part of the adventure consisted of a tour guide. As the group ascended the steps for the next and final stop, Jock and I were at the tail end. He pulled me aside at the last second and pushed me against the wall. We were both feeling frisky and carefree because of the alcohol consumption, but I knew Jock would have had dirty intentions just the same…
I paused my typing with a huge smile across my face. That was the most precarious experience of my life. Just thinking about what we did in the barrel room with the potential of being caught caused my skin to flush all over again.
Not sure how much I wanted to share before posting the blog entry, I just went to town with all the details. I knew I’d edit later, taming it down a bit as usual, so there was no restraint in my initial account.
I continued typing another thirty minutes until a knock sounded at my door. Glancing at the clock, I was sure it couldn’t be Harlan. I still had an hour before our shoot.
“Come on, love, open up,” his voice called through the door. “I have someone special who needs to meet you.”
A bit frazzled, I left my laptop on the couch and answered the door. “I still have an hour,” I complained.
He pushed past me, holding the door open for some woman to enter. “An hour before we start the clicking,” Harlan told me. “You need some prep time, Jolie-in-2C.”
“Prep?” For the first time, I noticed the garment bag in the woman’s arm and her other hand holding what I assumed to be a giant makeup case. “Jesus, Harlan, I haven’t even showered yet.”
“Then you’d better get your buns moving. You’ve got five minutes before Tabitha meets you in there. Go, go, go!”
He gripped my shoulders, turned me around, and briskly walked me toward the hallway.
I conceded with a huff and did as instructed. It was probably the quickest shower I’d ever taken because I heard the door open at minute four.
“I have a few options for you to choose from,” Tabitha stated. “They are lying on your bed.”
The door closed. I almost thought she was going to hold open the towel and then dress me. I chuckled to myself as I quickly dried off and stepped into my bedroom, toweling my hair at the same time.
“I suggest the white top first.”
“Gahh!” I shouted, startled to see her standing at the bedside. I threw the towel over my tits and bits, but she didn’t seem to care.
Tabitha motioned to the clothing. “Easiest to change left to right,” she suggested. “Meet me in the kitchen for hair and makeup. I think it has the best light.”
At last she gave me a quick smile, whether it was genuine or not.
Sighing, I was beginning to second-guess my choice to do a shoot. I’d been putting it off as it was, trying to mentally prepare myself. I never got the photo I wanted in time for Josh’s birthday, but if I liked the pictures, I’d still give him one.
When I exited my bedroom for the kitchen, Harlan was in my front room setting up his camera, stand, and lighting. My eyes bulged at my open laptop on the couch, and I rushed over to smack it shut. Thank God the screen had timed out, but Harlan seemed occupied with setup anyway.
He grinned at me. “Well, scoot along, lass. Hair and makeup.”
I didn’t argue. In fact, I was actually thrilled he’d thought ahead for me. I’d been worried about what I even wanted to do with myself for a photoshoot, and even though I’d chosen a couple of outfits to wear, I liked Tabitha’s choices so much better.
When she was done with me and sent me to the bathroom for a peek, I felt like a million dollars. The thing was, she didn’t overdo it with my makeup—or even my hair, for that matter—and the neutrality of her art was simply amazing.
“Is that okay?” she asked from the doorway. “Harlan wanted to capture your natural beauty, and I think he was right.”
Okay, that was a huge confidence booster. And after a quick little pep talk by Harlan, I was ready to get to the photography. Even though I was nervous, he made it as comfortable for me as he possibly could. By the fourth and final outfit, I felt like a different person.
“You’re a complete natural now.” He smiled after taking a few shots without even giving me a directive. “I love it. We’ll make a model out of you yet.”
I felt so confident, my inner sex goddess was willing to come out. Thinking about my time with Josh at the distillery incited me with a sensuality I couldn’t explain. I didn’t even feel embarrassed asking Harlan if we could try a couple of shots that were a little…sexier.
“Absolutely,” he nodded, not even breaking his expression. He motioned to Tabitha for assistance, and she instructed me back to the couch.
She handed me a white satin sheet after telling me to lay back and relax, remove my shirt and bra, and cover my breasts with the shimmery fabric. I only hesitated briefly, just for my own finesse, but did as she asked. Once I was positioned, Harlan snapped on a different lens and knelt at the side of the couch.
“Relax and look away from me,” he ordered gently.
I did just that, and he proceeded to take photos at different angles. At one point, Tabitha reached down and slid the sheet lower, so the curves on my chest were at their fullest without showing nipple. Strangely, I didn’t feel uncomfortable in the least bit.
When Harlan asked Tabitha to pull up my hair a certain way, she left for the kitchen to grab what she needed. He flipped his camera around to show me a preview of the last shot he took.
“What do you think?”
Wow. Seeing myself in such a way was…a rush. A sense of pride washed though me, something I hadn’t felt in…maybe never.
“These will turn out amazing,” he told me. “You’ll have quite a selection to choose from when—”
“What the fuck is going on?”
I bolted upright, clutching the fabric to my chest. Josh was in my apartment, scowling at Harlan kneeling next to the couch. And there I’d been, lying with just a satin sheet over my tits.
“It’s—I’m—It’s just a…” I couldn’t even get the words out.
Harlan rose, holding up his camera. “We’re doing a photo shoot, mate.”
Josh stood there, blinking at the both of us. I wasn’t sure if he’d used the key I’d given him or if the door was still unlocked, but goddamn it, what a completely complex moment. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I felt a tad bit mortified.
Tabitha produced herself from the kitchen, her eyes bouncing between the three of us. She ultimately ignored everything and began putting my hair up, but Josh remained where he was, still seeming utterly confused.
I somewhat pushed my way past Tabitha so I could stand. “See, I’m wearing pants.” I kicked my legs out from under the draping sheet, and again, Josh just froze at the scene in front of him.
Finally, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m, uh, gonna be back at five. Like we planned.”
Before I could object, he’d already left.
“Oh, God,” I groaned, smacking my forehead with a hand.
Tabitha was in my face, studying my cheeks, tsking that they were too pink to proceed. Harlan was putting away his equipment but smiled kindly. “We’ve completed quite a bit. She’s finished.”
I didn’t know if I was relieved or upset. Definitely rattled, since clearly my cheeks were so red with humiliation there was no way we could continue.
Tabitha moved for the kitchen to pack up her things. Speechless, I only gawked at Harlan packing his gear.
“Don’t fret. He’ll understand when you give him time. Or, the photos.”
I tried to force a smile but couldn’t. The look on Josh’s face was distressing. I could have been completely naked on the couch with a man on top of me, and his reaction might have been the same.
No, I disagreed wi
th myself. He’d looked pissed as hell at first, but after the information about a photoshoot, he took the time to think it over.
He was processing, I convinced myself as I changed back into my regular clothes. The whole situation was probably alarming, and he was caught off-guard. He said he’d return, so I was optimistic about that, and Josh was completely no-bull, so I didn’t foresee any problems if I had a chance to explain better.
After Harlan and Tabitha left, I made my way downstairs, hoping to find Josh in his truck. It wasn’t anywhere in sight, and my heart fell. It was still an hour before five, but I’d hoped he hadn’t left.
I called him and got his voicemail.
Voicemail? Shit. But I left a message, and in my panic, told him I’d been doing the shoot for him as a surprise. My sentences ran on, and I don’t think I took a breath, but I prayed he’d understand my intent.
When it was after seven, he still hadn’t called me back. I was disappointed in myself but mostly scared. What if he hadn’t understood or appreciated what I’d been trying to accomplish?
Or maybe he didn’t believe me?
I think the only reason I’d even considered that was my own distrust in other people, mainly because of how many lies and excuses Chris had given me over the years. Josh had experienced the same issue, and although it hurt that he couldn’t trust me one hundred percent, I truly couldn’t fault him for that just yet.
I’d sat down with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie when someone knocked on my door. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but I expected it was Josh. He hadn’t called me back and that upset me, but hopefully he had a good explanation.
As I trekked to the door, I also considered it could be Harlan with my photos. He said it wouldn’t take long to go through them and choose the best ones, but could he really be that quick? Just a few hours?
I opened the door, wondering which guess would be correct.
It was the former of the two, and he looked like absolute hell.